Listening. Pt 1

So, honestly... I’ve spent most of the last 24 hours crying. I went to bed on Wednesday crying and I woke up on Thursday morning feeling tearful and hopeless. I just wanted every difficult thing in my life to end. Truthfully, I wanted my life to end. My mind struggled to compute life past the end of the summer. My thought pattern turned unhealthy very quickly, as I began to make plans and think about who might miss me and who definitely wouldn’t. I stayed in bed crying and watching DVD’s until past lunchtime. 

In the afternoon, I’d promised to give a friend a lift to Dudley, so we went there and then to Costa where we laughed at M. McIntyre videos and truer than life memes. We talked about death, like we often do, and like we always do, we gave each other reasons to stay alive that we ignore for ourselves. 

Then I went back to my flat. And I cried some more. And I spoke to Sam on the phone and bawled down the phone to him, feeling so guilty for the pressure I put on him and how much I rely on him and all the time knowing there is little he can do to change how I feel. 

After that I lay, half-asleep in my bed until a friend text and asked if I fancied going to the shop. So we headed out, and as the sun was setting, I took her up to the back of St Andrews church where we watched the most gorgeous sunset and saw some wild horses. It’s a favourite place of mine to sit, and as we watched the colours sweep across the sky, we sat, and we breathed in the evening air and the soft stillness and the peace that comes from watching nature in all its magnificence. And I realised, what a wonderful moment to be with friends... 

 To be continued...