Faith Pt 2

These last few days have been so hard. Those who know anything about BPD, or me in general, will know that I struggle a lot with feeling left out, abandoned and rejected. So being sent home early from camp, and then seeing post after post on social media about the wonderful time everyone else had, has been utterly heartbreaking. Had it not been for a dear friend of mine needing me to keep it together over the last few days, I’m sure I would have been an absolute mess. And this evening as we sat outside the hospital in the evening drizzle, a rainbow appeared in the sky.

It got me thinking. Yes, this last year my life has changed in ways that I never expected it to. I’ve experienced more inner turmoil than I ever thought I was capable of coping with. But this next year? I have no idea what is going to happen. I spend so much time worrying about whether things will ever get better: Will I ever stop feeling this way? Will I ever be able to cope with day to day life again? I never stop and think: what if it does?

 Noah: surrounded by God’s creatures for 40 days in a big boat while the heavens poured out more water than he’d ever seen in his life: he could have focussed on the season he was in. But I’d imagine, knowing and trusting in God, he waited (mostly patiently) for the season to come to an end. Did it make the 40 days any easier? Probably not. But maybe, just maybe, at some point his perspective changed.

 This season I’m in, it’s hard. And no amount of people quoting ‘For I know the plans...’ at me will change that. You see: (and this is where I think some Christians have a misguided belief about the meaning of Jer 29) sometimes God DOES allow hard stuff to happen in our life. Stuff that harms us and makes us vulnerable and hurts us. Stuff that breaks us down and rips our soul or our body apart. Just like he did with Job, and just like he did with Jesus. But does he leave us? No. No matter how much God hides His face, no matter how much the darkness closes in or how much the rain pours, there is always a God who is working unknown in the background; preparing mountains for us to land on in our future.

And all that hard stuff? The rain and the darkness and the brokenness that lives in our soul? In another season, God will turn that hurt into joy. He will turn darkness into light, brokenness into beautiful healing. Because IN all things, He works for good. So even though right now, life is tough, I cry more than it rains and I spend so, so many nights feeling alone and rejected, I also have faith that maybe one day I won’t. One day, I might stand on mountains again. And that’s okay. A lot can happen in a year.