Box: Prt 2

N.B. continued from Part 1 ...

I sat alone in the chapel for a long time after the evening worship finished, reasoning desperately with God to take away the darkness that I felt inside. We sat in the worshipful silence for a long time together, and finally, I realised that I needed to write the feelings as they came to me. As I started writing, a song started playing that goes like this:

"What a friend I've found, closer than a brother
I have felt your touch, more intimate than lovers
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found, more faithful than a mother
It would break my heart, to ever lose each other
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, friend forever."

And as it played, I began to cry. Not bucket loads, but a gentle flow of tears. And that's when I knew it had begun. It was the first time I had cried in about four and a half months, and I was so relieved. As I let the tears fall, I began to write, and write: all those things that felt as raw and as heartbreaking as on the day they happened. For over an hour, I sat with God and I poured my heart out onto paper. I picked at every memory, and ripped it from my box. And I ended up with about 9 pages worth of feelings and emotions and memories that I hadn't really thought about in a long long time.

Over the next few days, I typed up and added to what I had written, and I found that the more I wrote, the better I felt. It was, one of the hardest things I have probably ever had to write. But it was also completely necessary and useful. There was no way that I could have gone on much longer with those things inside of me, because they held me back so much from being the person that God wants me to be. There was far too much of Ami-then trying to dictate how the Ami-now behaved. And it just wasn't working.

Coming back to Avenue, I shared the stuff I wrote with Phil and Rachel. And for once in my life, for those moments afterwards when they talked to me, I didn't feel like I was holding anything back. I could look them in the eye, and I could smile, without feeling ashamed or guilty or unworthy. It was amazing, and I want more of that. I don't want to have a past that I am ashamed of. Because I've realised that everything that happened back then, it made me who I was today. Not in the bad way, but in the sense that I can be strong, because I have endured. I can be sure, because I have been restored. I can be beautiful, because I am shining with the light of God's glory.

No more boxes.

Box: Prt 1

N.B. (I realised how long this entry was going to be, so I've split it.) I guess sometimes it is necessary to go back for a while before you can move forward. I've been at Training Week. Its been amazing.

On Tuesday evening, Andy Clarke was leading the worship, and towards the end of the response he said about letting things go. Forgetting the things that God wants you to let go of. It was kind of ironic, because I was still struggling with the last thing that God has asked me to do, and it was pretty much the opposite. I shall explain.

Back in August last year, I felt God telling me that it was time that I went back and faced all the things that I had been locking away in that box in the back of my mind that very rarely got opened. He wanted me to clear it out, throw everything away, because He didn't want me clinging to it anymore. He decided that it was time to start the healing process, but He couldn’t do that until I brought it out into the open where it could be seen. (I guess now I realise what that analogy Kat had a year ago was all about.) Knowing the reason why I had originally put all those things into that box in the first place meant that I did not want to open it. The whole point of putting it in a box was so that it could be locked away and never brought out, surely?

If I'm honest, I was terrified that if I really looked into that deep pit of hurt and pain that I knew was inside of me, I would fall in. And as September approached, and with it the thought of returning to Avenue, I really began to feel the pressure of what God had asked me to do. How could I bring into the open things that ran deep within my conscience and unconscience thoughts, the very root of why I am the way I am and why I react to so many things? More scarier than that, was the thought of having to share all those things with people that I love dearly, and that I work with every day. What if they rejected me? What if they didn't understand? I had no idea how I was going to do it, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted them to know the truth about me, because I wanted them to know who I REALLY was, not just the person that hid behind a mask all the time.

I had been struggling all summer with things, and I reached the point where I just needed to get it all out of me. I needed to know that I wasn't alone, and that I had people who could support me and be there for me when the time came for me to face all of those fears. And so when it came to returning to Southend in September, I arranged to talk with Phil and Rachel, so that I could share with them some things that I had only shared with a few people since moving to Southend. When it came to it, I managed to share a small, but honest part of my journey, and I am so glad that I did, because instead of finding rejection like has happened so many times in the past, I found some friends who were willing to walk the road with me.

As the days went on, I began to struggle more and more with what God was asking me to do. I fought to stay as far away from the dark abyss of unknown hurts that I possibly could. I struggled a lot in those few months, not wanting to look too closely at the darkness, and yet needing desperately to clear it out of me. I walked around it for a long time, feeling the darkness closing in around me, and only dared a few times to lean over the edge to look inside. The scariest part was probably not ever knowing how I was really feeling. Good times could come crashing down around me within minutes, and I never knew why. Intense feelings of anxiety and fear would overcome me, and being unable to cry, my stomach would just tie itself into knots, and I would lay awake desperately trying to gather my thoughts.

Chatting to Jo/Emma online throughout September/October, they both helped me to discover more of what God was really asking me to do. They helped me to realise that the fear of falling into my abyss was greater than what would actually happen if I did. That in order to clean it out and move forward, at some point I would probably have to allow myself to fall in, and to explore all the things that were hiding there in the darkness, stirring up emotions that I didn't understand and grabbing at strands of recollective memory in order to bring my world crashing down into the darkness. (I guess it was working.)

But, ever since then I had been falling through the darkness of the world inside my head that no-one ever gets to see and attempting desperately to see those things that lurked in the shadows. It'd been really hard trying to discover the things that lay at the root, and often I felt like I was hitting a brick wall when I tryed to explore deeper the reasons why I did things. So when Andy told us that it was time to forget all those things, I just couldn't, because I knew I needed to remember them and get them out of me first.

continued in Part 2...

Wait

N.B. Still trying to assort the effects of the Philippines and the effects of Training week in my head, if you're confused... so am I.

At Training Week, I finally came to the conclusion, or rather, God finally got to me enough to realise that all the things I said I couldn't do this year, were actually things that I just wouldn't do. And I don't know what it was about training week, but I finally realised that I'd spent so much of this year, and so much of my life thinking that I wasn't good enough to do something, or a wasn't able to do something, when really, God was saying to me, Why not?

God taught me a lot at training week actually. Through Beth's preaching and Wendy's sessions, I finally began to realise that YES, God does love me, YES, He did create me just as He wanted me, YES, He has chosen me and YES, He has called me to be His. To inherit His throne, to be His Heir. Geesh. Thats a lot to take in and finally realise, I can tell you! In fact, its pretty much life changing information. And I wonder how many Christians actually have realised it? Not as many as you would think, probably.

And then through Den's sessions, and Mike's preaching, I realised that God is calling me to even greater things than I have set my sights on. That I need to let go of things in the past, and realise that right now, God is calling me to spread his message. To love people. To stop letting the fear and insecurity get in the way of sharing what is inside of me. God's calling me to preach! (And that came as a shock, I CAN TELL YOU!) I don't know what form that will take, but I'm sure God will show me in time!

So on the last night of training, after a long few hours of worship, teaching and praying for others, I sat alone in the chapel. Just sitting really, trying to have some 'me and God' time. I hadn't received any direct ministry from God during that evening's session, as I had spent it praying for others, and I felt the need to just be alone with God. I just sat there, soaking up the massiveness of what God has taught me during the week, but I was flooded with images from my teenage years, images that I had tried to wipe from my head. Things that I'd said, things that had been said to me, ways that I had suffered and been hurt by people I trusted.

And I started to ask God why. Why did He wait so long to let me know that I was loved? Why I had had to wait so long to finally realise it? Why I had to spend so long wanting desperately to feel loved, when He was right there, loving me. Surely He could have done something? I continued to question God in my head, when Kat came in and sat beside me. I told her everything that I had been thinking.

She prayed with me, and she told me that God made me wait, because he wanted me to have the strength of the testimony I have now. He always loved me, He just knew that I wouldn't fully believe it until now. She said I was worth a million. And for the first time in my life, I actually believed her. Which, as usual, resulted in me crying (God has that effect on me...) But it was a release. God was allowing me to get rid of it all. He was telling me that it was finally time to stand up, and to start running the race HE has set before me. And the wait? It was necessary. Because now I know the extent of God's love, and plan for my life.

Glowing

N.B. I still haven't had pancakes. One bummer for not living with my parents anymore...

So Lent crept up on me quite suddenly this year! I only actually realised it was Lent on Tuesday evening, by which time I didn't have much chance to decide what to give up. I thought about maybe going down the giving up something negative, ie. chocolate/ fast-food/ swearing/ myspace/ facebook/ internet/ TV road... but I've done all those in the past without much success. So I scrapped that idea. And thought that I would take up something positive instead. And what could be more positive than a positive attitude. =)

So it was all going pretty good. Until Wednesday morning. When I rediscovered my hatred for British public transport. (I won't go into that now...) But actually, something that seemed so rubbish and pants on Weds morning actually turned out pretty good once I allowed God a chance to get in on the situation. And Wednesday turned out to be a really good day at Training. I had a really productive personal time, and just chilled out in God's awesome creation. It was such a beautiful day, I couldn't help but smile. And actually, I found that being content with life is really not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Its been getting easier and easier each day! And then I had a most awesome prayer session with some follow Vizzy's. It was great. God can be so subtle, and yet so amazing sometimes!

Thursday was my day off, so I decided to chill out in Southend. But instead of getting the bus the 4/5 miles into town, I walked it. It was awesome. I had two hours to think, to enjoy the sunshine and the lovely weather, and to spend more time alone with God, undisturbed, undistracted. I really enjoyed it. And I found that I could actually be content with being on my own. Because that's something that I normally really struggle with; even more so since I've left Brentwood. Any length of time on my own is normally time spent worrying, upset, anxious. But the last few days I have been on my own the vast majority of the time. And I've been happy. And I've found that I'm actually not that bad to be around - when I'm being positive. =)

So yeah, Smile! Have a good day.

Muchos love and blessings.

Ami =) x

Three

N.B. The analogy and stuff were intended for married couples, but yeah. Bothered. And yeah, this may be a bit cheesy and that, but, I don't care. I mean it, and you'll get over it.

This week at Training, we had a session on 'Men and Marriage'. Being the tender age of 18 and not being in a long term relationship, means that actually, marriage; and men right now to be honest; are the last things on my mind. However, there was something that the person leading the session said right at the end that really meant something to me.

For a while now, one of my favourite bible verses to quote is in Ecclesiastes. It is the verse that talks about the importance of family and friends in our lives, and how having them there is even better than being on your own. Recently, there is one person in my life who I have been most grateful to have. And I have felt that the feeling is mutual.

That person, is my best friend Susie. We've been best friends now for about 3 years, and friends for a lot longer than that. I trust Susie with my life, because over the last three years, she has always been there for me when I needed her, and she has never let me down. Even though we spend a lot more time apart now than we used to, I can always talk to her, and her, to me. I feel completely comfortable in her presence, as I can truly be myself, in whatever mood that might be, and I love that. I don't think there is a single human being that understands me as well as Susie does. I think she's awesome.

Thinking even more deeply about it the other day, I realised why I value Susie in my life so much. It is because both together, we ultimately strive towards God. We share a passion to put the will of God first in our lives. But that doesn't mean that we have never turned away from God, individually, in our own struggles. But when we did, we always had the other person, holding us up, seeking God themselves. Whenever we began to fall from God, we would remain close to the other, and therefore, still having the light of Christ shining upon us.

I said to Susie that between us, we could achieve anything. Because we have both committed our lives deeply to living how God wants us, and although we feel sometimes like we have let go of God, we know that the other has not, and so we remain safe, until we are able to stand tall again. The thing that Wendy said at the end of her talk was about ropes. Apparently, a cord that is woven of three strands is indeed, the strongest type of rope, as all the threads are touching each other. If you take one of them away, it decreases the strength of the cord. However, you will never add any strength to the rope by adding more threads, as they will not all be touching. (And that matters... apparently.) The bit that really got me though, was that - even if two of the threads are under pressure, and weak, as long as the third remains strong, the rope will not break. It will hold out until the pressure is released on the other two threads.

There may come a time in the future where me and Susie are both struggling with our separate issues, and so are unable to fully support the other. However, it is in those times that we can be confident in the strength of Jesus Christ within us, so that we will not be beaten or broken. Even if the world is against us, I know we can make it, cause we've made it this far, through some really crappy times, and we're still standing strong.

I love you Susie, don't you ever forget that. :)

"Two are better than one,

because they get more done by working together:

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

Three is even better.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Money

It is often said that we live in a world where everything is about the here and now, we need immediate gratification for things, if we want something, we want it NOW. And to some degree, that is true. The main reason being because when people want things, they nearly always have the capacity to GET things - the increase in bank loans, credit card usage, and as a result, debt, is a constant reminder of that. You only have to be watching the TV for ten seconds before an advert about 'reducing your credit card payments' or 'one easy loan to pay back other loans' comes on.

I'm pretty easy-going when it comes to money. What I have, I generally share. I very rarely manage to save up for things. My general motto is, if I have the money, I'll use it, if I don't, I won't. That may be due to my upbringing; we never had money to throw around, and if we didn't have the money to buy something, we generally didn't buy it. We made do with what we had. But I don't feel that I was ever deprived of anything. As long as you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on the table, you're richer than about 90% of the world's population.

Saying that, the one thing that initially held me back about doing this year was the worry that I would not be able to afford it. £2950 is more money that I had ever dreamed about. But what I didn't take into account, was the wonderful generosity of the people around me, and the faithful nature of God, who makes things possible. Since deciding to do Optimum, God has provided for me, when I learnt to trust in him. Whilst I was worrying about getting the money, and panicking about whether or not I would get on with the people at the church, I had nothing. As soon as I trusted that God would provide, I got everything. The money, a wonderful host church, a wonderful host family, and people who care and support me in my work. What else could I need?

The one thing I have always wanted to do is work abroad with children, in a country where the people are not rich with money, but instead, rich with love and kindness. It's my dream. If an opportunity arises to do that, I'm going to take it. And I'm going to trust that God will provide the resources for me to do so.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Psalm 28: 7

Brown Paper Packages

N.B. Not the ones tied up with string, just the ones addressed to me! :)

Its been a busy ten days, sorry I haven't blogged. It's been top of my To-Do-List all weekend, so I thought I should do it now, while I have the "time". This week has really been a turning point in my relationships and thoughts. I was thrown into the deep end more than once at Girls Brigade on Tuesday, and I quickly learnt that when people see you as the Youth Worker, you gotta be quick off the mark in terms of coming up with Games and Prayers! I've been given a few challenging tasks this week, like preparing a half hour session for BB on Friday about Sin - more about that later.

At Optimum Wednesday on Wednesday (clue is in the name) we had a fast and prayer session. It basically meant going without food from Tuesday evening till Wednesday evening. It was weird for me, I've often been without food for 24/36 hours and not even thought about it. But it seems so much harder when you are planning to go without food. It was good though. When we arrived, we spent about an hour in prayer thinking about what we wanted to achieve by the end of the day. Last week I was reading Ecclessiastes 4, and I was thinking about the image of Jesus on the cross. He was not crucified on His own, He had two people there with Him. Perhaps not the most useful of people, but still, two people, He was not alone!

Sometimes we seem to think that if God wants us to do something, we must do it alone - without help. But that is not the case! When God asked Moses to lead the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt, He gave him his brother Aaron to help him to speak - when God tells us to do things, we don't have to do it on our own! Instead we should make use of the people God has put in our lives to give us encouragement and friendship! It's an encouraging thought, that we do not have to struggle alone when it is God's will for us to struggle, but instead gain love and comfort from friends who are dear to our heart. I spent the rest of the day I spent asking God to show me the people He has put into my life for me to help and to lead, and I got some interesting perspectives back. I also thanked God for the people He has put into my life that give me love and support, like the aboslute legends that sent me the parcel I received this morning, and the many friends who I have loved and shared my life with, and been loved and comforted in return. For me, that proves that God is awesome!

The second half of last week I spent trying to figure out the best times and settings for the youth club and youth alpha I'm supposed to be starting. It was quite a challenge for me, because at present I only have two free evenings, Thursday and Saturday, (Saturday being my day off) however, after talking to some of the kids, I realised that Saturday is probably going to be the best evening for the Social Group, which obviously, raises a problem - give up my weekend day off? I put the decision off for a few days, and on Sunday we had a church meeting. It was a positive meeting in which the church made a decision that is going to be risky. But nevertheless, they made it and I think it is a positive thing for the church and the wider community as well. I also saw the way the leaders dream, and I was encouraged by that! The church went on to talk about more proposals in regards to local buildings they'd like to do up and manage, including a cafe! (That made me chuckle) I went on to dream myself about the things I could do with the Youth Group and the things I wanted to launch my energy into.

Which led me to the decision to only have Saturday off every other week. I need to advance my start at putting God's will ahead of my own, and part of that is starting a Youth Club on a Saturday and a Youth Bible class on a Thursday. I talked to some of the youth about it, and they seemed really excited. Yesterday at Kids Klub I had a chat with some of the 11+ who were hanging around, and I began to feel like my honeymoon period is now officially over. They know me, they like me (I hope!) and they want me to start doing stuff. And so it begins!

"If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."

Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NLT)

Challenges

Here we are. The start of a new blog, to technically syncopate with a new life in Southend. The first week was good, got really homesick at first, missed all my wonderful friends in Brentwood, and the comfort of my own bedroom, but with a bit of time and prayer, things got a bit better. And then along came the training week.

First day, was challenged to speak out whilst in a group situation. Now, those who don't know me that well will be very suprised to think that I'm quite shy. But I am. Takes me a while to get used to new people, and when I am embarrassed or nervous I will either become very loud and outspoken, or very shy and withdrawn. Not a problem generally, but as a youth worker, you can't really be the one that is shy, as its kind of your job to encourage everyone else to participate in the group discussion or whatever (a hard job if you are being mute.) So yeah, the first day of training was hard, lots of group discussion and getting to know people, (which requires speech.) But I perked up after a bit, and the first night of worship God moved through the group and it definately challenged me to be more assertive, and have faith in the power that is Gods!

Another that I was challenged about was the early morning prayer sessions. Before September, I hardly ever prayed! Let me rephrase that - I never prayed! I never sat down and said, right, now I am going to pray! But each morning we were encouraged to be in the chapel from 7am - 8am to pray and read the Bible. After the worship the previous night I felt really challenged to sacrifice my sleep to pray, so I did! Tuesday morning, at the nice early time of 6.30am, I was in the shower, all clean and prepared for an hours prayer in the chapel. Everyone else took Bible's and cushions with them, but I was so determined to spend the hour in prayer I took nothing, and just sat, staring at the wooden cross on the altar, and PRAYED for an hour! Me and God had a lot to catch up on. It was an excellent time for me spiritually, throughout the hour I gave to God all the things I was worried or scared or nervous about, and He calmed me. :)

The rest of the day, I wasn't nearly as silent during discussions, I spoke up, contributed to the group, and had loads of fun in the process. But the challenges didn't stop there! We had to share our testimonies, and I did, (after much emotional turmoil) and I am so glad I did! I even did the unedited version, (my baptism day one was very very edited) and it was good not only for me, but for the whole group as we learned about each others struggles and victories. The Optimum people are all so cool, and we've all bonded so much through the last week. Training week was excellent in that way, it brought us together as friends and fellow followers of Christ. Having the group there is a major sense of comfort for me, I know that the friendships I build with each of the other volunteers will be strong and beneficial to my spiritual and emotional wellbeing.

The last evening of training a group of us sat in the chapel singing and playing guitar, ukelele (Capon) and drums (Dale) and it was such a great time for me. Just to sit down with 15 other people and having meaningful worship time with people that were as passionate about God as I was, it wasn't really something I've had before. In Brentwood, my friends are all at different stages of their faith, which is great, but it never challenges me to grow more. Training week I was stretched further that I had been in the last 4 years of my Christian faith, and I'm glad I was, cause now I am on a learning thirst that will power me through the next few months of being in Southend. God is SO amazing. Its time people started to realise that. Peace out. xXx

"I can do all things through He who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13