Loneliness/Being Alone

I’ve talked about this before, but on days like this, where the only person I spoke to face-to-face was through a fence, I realise how isolating living alone can be. I’ve lived alone before. (And lived with people that I barely saw day-to-day.) But in Essex, it was different. I was on home-turf. Living in your home town, with those friends you’ve grown up with, whose parents know you and practically treat you like one of their own, where you can drop by their place any time of day and they’d welcome you in and tell you to help yourself to a drink. They understand you and your family. They get the weirdness and uniqueness and the quirkiness of you, and accept it without question. Those streets where even the benches have memories attached to them.

But the world is bigger than that, and as much as I miss it and miss my friends, I’m glad that I listened to God’s quiet whisper and ventured out into the wider world. Nowadays, I eat 90% of my meals sitting in bed watching a DVD. I can go a full 24 hours without seeing or speaking to another human being. Most of my in-depth and meaningful conversations happen via social media and text. And most nights I sneak away to a pretty place to watch the sunset/city lights on my own. When you see it written down, you might think that I lead a pretty lonely life. And in some aspects, that’s true. But in others... I’ve never been more free in all my life. No regrets.

Listening. Pt 2

And then, I spent the next few hours listening. First to a friend whose wonderful family have blessed and supported me in unimaginable ways this last year. Ways I can never repay. He spoke words of love over me. He told me he knew I was struggling, and that the last week had been really hard for me, but he was proud of me. (Yes I cried again!) Just hearing someone acknowledge it, someone who just knew me without me having to explain it, was refreshing. But then I listened as he doubted himself, questioned himself, because of the way some people had treated him.

And I have to say, that hurt me more than the rest of the day had. That he could think for one second that he wasn’t good enough, and that he wasn’t living a life that God would smile over. He’s one of the most phenomenal people I have ever been blessed to meet. He is kind and generous and loving, even when no-one is looking. He goes above and beyond for so many people, and he does it without expecting recognition or reward. And it made me realise, that in all this time I have been struggling, waiting for God to move in my life: and he already has. He’s kept promises in the people He has surrounded me with. He has blessed me with an amazing church family to call home. And he’s given me friends who listen to all the things I don’t say. To all the things I wish I could say. And to all the things I say in my heart. But I realised that maybe I need to say them out loud more often. So this one is for you, dear friend.

Thanks for always listening. 😊

Not Giving Up.

Being totally honest:

Life is hard right now.

Having a mental illness is hard.

Making decisions is hard.

Dealing with difficult situations is hard.

Supporting friends and loving them right is hard.

Not having the time or energy to see my beloved family is hard.

Not having a job or the ability to do a job is hard.

Not having enough money in the bank or food in the cupboards is hard.

Waiting for therapy and dreading it at the same time is hard.

Not getting enough sleep at night and being too tired each day is hard.

Knowing people who were once my friend but now don’t know how to talk to me is hard.

Missing out on events because I just can’t face being there is hard.

Wanting to do things, then freaking out last minute and staying in bed is hard.

Dealing with my emotions and thoughts and feelings and anxieties is hard.

Knowing there are very few people who understand how I feel right now is hard.

That’s the truth. But you know what? This time, I’m not gonna give up. I’m not going to become a statistic of mental illness. Cause you know what? It might be hard but I’m strong. And my God is stronger. So no matter how hard life gets, or how much I struggle, I may not be standing but I will lay face down on the Rock that never breaks or falters. And one day, I will stand.

Forever

Day 1 of Advent.

Today is the start of Advent, when we look forward to the coming of Christ, the newborn baby who would one day grow up to change the world forever. But whenever there is a time of looking forward, I always seem to find myself thinking back, reflecting on what has gone before. The last few weeks I have spent a long time pondering about all the things that have led to me being here, doing this and being this person.

In particular, I keep thinking about one special little boy that I had to say goodbye to nearly five years ago when he was adopted into his forever family. My feelings about him are always so mixed. I will always look back on the time I got to spend with him with a smile, great fondness, love and affection. But when I see updates on him, pictures of him growing and making achievements and enjoying his new life, I can't seem to shake the dull ache in my stomach and the tears in my eye in the knowledge that he will forget about me long long before I ever will him. The truth is he changed my life much more than I did his.

I guess I must be a pessimist, but all relationships hold that element of knowing that one day, at least one of us will have to say goodbye to the other for good. Whether that be through divorce, death, moving away, illness, etc. There is no relationship on earth in which we know that 'forever' is part of the equation. Humans aren't made for forever. We each hold a few people close to our hearts for a while, but most of my friendships fade when circumstances and distances change. It used to upset me but now I just know it's part of life. People who walk into our lives always have the option to walk out again. But the time you got to spend with them doesn't lose it's significance. It changes who you are, where you go, how you see the world.

As we look forward to Christmas, and the coming of the newborn Son of God, who exists forever, reigns for ever, and loves forever, we must reassess our own interpretation of what our relationship with Jesus means for our lives. Is he someone we think of often? Rely on often? Talk to often? Today is the start of a brand new day. It's the only day we're guaranteed right now. Let's use it to treasure what needs to be treasured, let go of what needs to be let go, and focus on what should be focussed on at this time.

Strip back what needs to be stripped back, and remember that the reason for Christmas wasn't to spend thousands of pounds on presents, decorations, Christmas cards, food and drink. It's the start of a relationship. The start of those special memories. Those moments of tears, heartache, and pain. Of forgetting, and remembering, and knowing that spending time with someone, no matter how short, can change your life forever.

Chances (Or Why I Walk Slow, Forgive Quick and Love Loads)

N.B. I have depression. Clinical Depression. I have since I was a teenager, but I only really sought out medical help when I was studying at Uni and everything just got far too much to handle: March 2012. Almost 10 years after I probably first began displaying symptoms of depression, I finally plucked up the courage and the know-how to visit my Doctor and get medical help. I've been to counselling. Several different ones actually. I've never really found it to be very helpful. In fact, I've had late night MSN conversations with friends that have aided me more than counselling ever has. But that's just the way of the world, isn't it? The reason I am telling you this is that I have never really publicly spoken out about it before. And I guess if someone wants to understand me and the way my brain works... it's pretty important that you understand that simple fact first and foremost. I'm not looking or asking or wanting sympathy. I just think that it's time that everyone started being more honest with one another... even if it is from behind their computer screen.

I love to walk. I guess that comes in handy, not being able to drive. But I don't mean walking is my preferred method of travel: I regularly use buses, trains, taxis and other people to get around. What I mean is, I love to just... walk. Wander. Hike. Meander. Dilly-Dally. Wherever and whatever I'm doing, I like to take my sweet time about it. Especially if I have no fixed schedule. There is a art in walking slowly. In observing every aspect of your surroundings. The birds. The trees. The clouds. The sun. The warmth. The breeze. The bugs on the ground. The traffic, or lack thereof. The feel.

There are some days when to wander around outside is like you are walking around in heaven. To be in God's world, but to know that it is only temporary, and yet to appreciate every aspect of that perfect day that God has gifted into your hands. He has placed you exactly where you are, and in whatever difficulty or circumstance you are facing... God has given you a chance to just BE. When I am walking slowly, I am not under pressure. I am not at anyone's beck and call. I am not being summoned, or bothered, or interrupted. It is just me and God, taking a stroll. A chance to chat over those ideas and dreams in my head, or listen to the one's in God's. A time to seek forgiveness, guidance, direction, calling and gifting. A time to rethink. A time to let go. Yes, walking slowly is an art form, but that is why I do it.

Some people find it easy to hold grudges. I don't. In fact, I find it's more effort than it's worth. If you hold someone's mistakes against them, you are basically saying that the relationship you had with them; whatever it was; is not as important as the stupid or horrible thing they did or said. It also comes from an assumption that the person is so perfect that they are not going to do anything that hurts or upsets you. And let me be frank: there is NO-ONE in your life who will never upset and hurt you. In fact, those closest to us are the most likely to hurt us. Why? Because they are whom we place on pedestals, assuming that they are so awesome they are infallible. Who is infallible but God?

I'm not advocating letting people walk all over you because they are imperfect and they are bound to hurt you. But if someone does something that upsets or hurts you: Talk to them about it. And then forgive them. And then move on. Holding on to our grudge and our hurt and our bitterness diseases none but our own heart. You may need help to forgive. You will most definitely need prayer. But the more we practice it in our everyday lives, the easier it becomes. I have had a number of people who have been very close to me do things that have really upset me. But I have learned to forgive each and every one of them, because I am incapable of holding grudges. They sit like an ugliness in my heart and a heaviness in my chest and it causes all normal function and life to cease until I let it go. So I have learned to forgive quickly. It's just something that has to be done.

The longer I work as a youth worker, the more I realise that I am incapable of not loving a child. There is something that happens inside of me, the minute I connect with someone, I feel a loving and caring feeling towards them. (Not in a romantic way....) Sometimes, it's from the minute I see their shining little smile looking up at me. For others, the love hits me the minute I see something of their character, or strength, or passion, or hopes, or dreams, or fears. But there is always something... something of God that I see in each and every child and young person I meet. I love that. I love that I love my job. I love that I love my young people. It doesn't mean that they won't annoy me, or frustrate me, or even make me angry. There are definitely days when I feel like throwing in the towel. But then I think about one smile, one laugh, one sparkling or tearful eye, and I remember. To feel loved and accepted for who you are: Surely it is the single most important and desperate search in every young person's life. And ultimately, the answer to that struggle is found in God. But what chance does a young person have in finding that in God if they don't see it in the ones who tell them about God? So I love all my young people. The ones I see weekly. The ones I see monthly. The ones I've met once. The ones I will pass on my way somewhere. The friends of the ones I meet and work with. I love them all. Because God does. What other reason is there?

Inside

N.B. The following blog is because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It’s a strange Christmas this year: partly because my family are scattered across the country/world, and partly because it is the first Christmas since as long as I can remember where I haven’t been to church at all in the week leading up to Christmas. This year I am far away from church on Christmas eve, Christmas Day, I haven’t even attended a Candlelit Carol Service. I guess that’s why it doesn’t feel so much like Christmas.

But then again – this Christmas has reminded me more of my childhood. Back to the days when Christmas was exciting. When Christmas traditions filled me with joy, and the laughter and lights of the holiday season brought us together as a family. Over the last week I have seen many of my family, aunts, cousins, grandparents and siblings. I have been able to get to know people on a much deeper level than their Facebook profile – get the heart of what makes people tick and the things that are really precious to them.

Amongst all that, I have taken some time off, and not felt the need to answer every call for my attention. I am a human who needs to recharge, needs to accept my own weakness and my own downfalls, and remember that family is important. I spend a lot of time putting my family second to the demands of youth work/church. But at Christmas, as ‘churchy’ a celebration as we like to make it, I have chosen to reverse that balance. Tomorrow I will spend time with my sister Laura and her husbands’ family. Boxing Day I will spend time with my siblings. And I will not regret the time that I did not spend at Church. For I worship a God who is bigger than the buildings we so often attempt to confine him in, and I will instead find wonder in the day of celebration for the child who was born into the simplicity of a stable.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,

and give you peace."

Merry Christmas everyone.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·      Now that all of the preparations are done – or at least now that there is no more time for any more preparing – stop, and find a place of quiet.

·  Be still. Get inside the Christmas story. Sit down. Make yourself smaller. In your imagination go  to Bethlehem. Bend beneath the lintel of the door of the stable and come in.

·       God comes to us in the vulnerability of a child. We can come to him in stillness. We can find him in silence. And Christmas can be put back together. And enjoyed.

“Christmas renews our youth by stirring our wonder. The capacity for wonder has been called our most pregnant human faculty, for in it are born our art, our science, our religion.” Ralph Sockman

Homeland

N.B. All of the following 3 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I have been thinking about the Philippines a lot recently. I mean, I think about it all the time, but I have been thinking deeply about it lots more than normal. I miss it so much that the core of my body actually aches some days. I look at photos to remind me of those precious memories – some that I have shared and some that I never will, but all of which I hold dear to my heart. Almost within the first few days of being there, the very first time, I felt as if I was finally at home. It is a hard feeling to describe to people, especially to people who feel that my home should be here in the UK, either with family or close friends. I do feel ‘at home’ in many places, but the feeling of my heart being filled with total peace and joy has only ever really occurred in the Philippines.

And as the season for sharing good times with loved ones is fully upon us, I can’t help but dream of the days that used to be… the days that could have been. I know, deep down, that my heart will never truly be settled in this country. And I’m not overly sure what I’m supposed to do about that. I have family and friends here. What a sacrifice I would be making, to move to the other side of the world. I cannot lie, and say that it has never crossed my mind. But I am hoping, in my heart of hearts, that if and when that time comes, God will help those I leave behind to be gracious, and understanding. I hope that he will give my life full purpose, so that I knew that I were not sacrificing in vain.

That’s all I’m going to say today. Lots to do, God bless everyone. x

“Another winter day has come and gone away,

In even Paris and Rome, and I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by a million people I

Still feel all alone, oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know”

[Michael Bublé – ‘Home’]

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·         What things bring you the greatest joy?

·         What moments in your life are so inexplicably wonderful that you cannot comprehend them without using the language of the soul, the heart, the spirit?

·         OK, so your heart is just a big muscle pumping your very necessary blood around your very mortal body; but it is also something else, something that cannot be defined or understood without another sort of language, that seems like an echo from another life.

·         Get out the mistletoe – who do you want to kiss?

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” Anne Frank

Santa

N.B. All of the following 5 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I never really got the big deal about Father Christmas. I’m not sure how young I was, maybe 5 or 6 when I worked out that he probably wasn’t real. But it didn’t really bother me so much. I knew my parents gave me the gifts and I was thankful that I had so many things to open on Christmas Day, regardless of who they came from.

I think that believing in Santa changes the way a child approaches Christmas. They might write him a letter asking him for lavish gifts that their parents will then have to somehow acquire. They might make an extra-effort to be good in the belief that Santa is making his Naughty/Nice list. On Christmas Eve they might leave out milk and cookies, maybe even a carrot or two for the reindeer. They might even go to bed, good as gold, in the hope that when they awake their stockings will be full of wonderful gifts and toys. And when they wake on Christmas morning to a stocking full of presents, they will delight in ‘What Santa Brought!’ and believe that they merited such gifts with their good behaviour.

There’s not much wrong with any of that. But some children are taught about Jesus much the same as Santa – he’s someone you believe in when you’re younger but it doesn’t really affect how you life as an adult. Some might even believe that the good gifts they are given in life have been awarded because of their ‘good’ behaviour. But life isn’t that simple.

Believing in Santa, and believing in Jesus are two very different things. One of them is a timeless figure that remains through the ages; the other is a child who grows into a man. A man who heals the sick, feeds the hungry, and dies for the sin of the world.

“Enjoy the Father Christmas story with your children, and when they question it help them to leave it behind. But enjoy the story of Jesus as well. And when they question it, allow it to lead them forward. It can show them how to inhabit the world.” S. Cottrell

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Read the story to your children. There are good children’s Bible’s easily available.

·        Read the story yourself – but make sure you get a modern translation.

·        Enjoy the Father Christmas story, and invent a few weird family traditions of your own. Make a Smartie trail for your kids this Christmas leading from the foot of their bed to the presents under the tree, or a hidden present somewhere in the house.

·        If you don’t have one already, invest in a crib and give it the pride of place in the house, and light a candle by it in the evening.

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” Jesse Jackson

Cringe

N.B. All of the following 6 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is true that most of us find our families terribly embarrassing. There are two ways to deal with this embarrassment – disown them, or embrace it. Everyone’s family is a little bit odd – everyone’s family does slightly weird things when compared to someone elses, and as I said to my friend Georgia today – everyone has at least one crazy, elderly relative that makes us all laugh. That’s life.

But as weird and completely barmy as my family are – I love them. And I love spending time with them. They make me laugh, and they give me something to smile about. They do stupid things, and they do amazing things. There is definitely something they are not – and that is boring. There is rarely a quiet moment in this house.

I guess that is why I am a bit sad that we won’t all be together for Christmas this year, like in years gone by. But then we haven’t ALL been together for Christmas for a good 8 years. But still. The extra time that I have taken to spend with them will not be in vain. It’s going to be great. J

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Take yourself less seriously.

·        The best comedies will not be on television this Christmas. They will be around your own table, if you can but see them.

·        Re-imagine the peoples of the world as a hugely complex, extremely muddled, wonderfully odd and riotously funny family. Enjoy the differences. Take proper account of the deep-seated simularities.

·        Say sorry a bit more.

·        Say thank you.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” Bertrand Russell

Aunt Mildred

N.B. All of the following 7 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

“Jesus doesn’t ask us to love everyone; he asks us to love our neighbour. Loving everyone is relatively easy. Most of us can muster a general feeling of goodwill towards an unspecific someone, as long as you never actually have to live with them. But to love your neighbour, to love your family, to love those very particular and hugely irritating people that are actually with you now, well, this is much more difficult. But it is the only hope for peace in our world.” S. Cottrell

It was my niece’s 3^rd birthday today – which means the relatives were round to celebrate. (Although not all of them, which was probably a good thing as they wouldn’t all fit in our Lounge.) Family get-togethers seem always to be a thing of delight and despair. It is nice to see everyone again, but everyone is hoping that you-know-who will stay away from she-said-what’s. Loving the people who know you inside out (and therefore know all your flaws) is always going to be harder than loving someone halfway across the world who you only ever speak to online.

But learning to love people despite of their flaws is what teaches us the true meaning of love. After all – God loved us before we did anything at all that should merit love. His love is meritless – you have it regardless, in spite of all you do to demerit it. In fact, the only reason we can love, is because Christ loved us first. (1 John 4:19)

So this Christmas, give your family a break. And learn to love them, in spite of all they do that might frustrate you, annoy you and generally drive you crazy. After all – you’re probably pretty much stuck with them for many years to come. You may as well learn to enjoy it.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Instead of looking with delight at the splinter in your brother’s eye, remove the log from your own.

·        OK, so you don’t always like your family, but that doesn’t excuse you from loving them, and offering them the generosity and kindness that you long to receive.

·        In fact, when it comes to generosity and kindness, you will reap what you sow.

·        Plan some things to do together that are not just watching TV. In my family we always play games. It’s a great leveller. Arrange a Boxing Day walk. Book some tickets for the local panto.

·        God’s love for the world is communicated through a person who, like us, was born in a family. God knows what they’re like. He knows they’re not always easy.

“Family is just accident… They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.” Marsha Norman

P.S. I don’t have an Aunt Mildred. Just thought it sounded like a good title.

Exterior

N.B. All of the following 10 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Christmas lights, they’re a thing of wonder aren’t they? As a child our house was always the most extravagantly decorated in the street, and probably the town where outdoor lights came in moderation for most of the busy, middle class families. But our house was like Santa’s grotto. My mum loved Christmas, and always viewed it much like a child – full of pretty objects, shining lights and colourful decorations that brought her joy. As a child our house was envied – plenty of festive spirit inside and out. (And yes, if you haven’t already heard – our Christmas tree was up for nearly 7 years.)

But as I grew older, and especially as I hit my mid teens, even I realised that the exterior of a house speaks nothing of the lives that are lived inside of it. Broken families lives are not made easier by the Christmas period – if anything they are more stressful. Plans of visits and time allocation for different relatives, trying to organise seeing both sets of families, knowing that things might be different and long-time traditions may be broken. Plus the stress of having money problems can cause tension between parents, especially if a relationship is already frayed.

Or perhaps someone is missing at the Dinner table who might have normally been there. Although Christmas is a time for families to get together, it is sometimes the time when those who are no longer with us are missed the most. Stories shared remind us of happy memories, but also the pain of loss.

The lights that surround us at Christmas time should also remind us of the future: the world that we are leaving behind for future generations to enjoy. In our urge to decorate our lives with comfort and luxury and festivities, we should not forget that is our children who will pay for our mistakes – it is our children who will live with the consequences of the things we do. So if we will not curb our selfish behaviour for our peers, perhaps we should for our children, and our grandchildren.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Switch off the lights, or at least ration how long they are on for.

·        Buy those LED lights, and fill your house with those instead.

·   Christmas present problem solved – buy everyone energy efficient light bulbs and rechargeable batteries – and get some for yourself while you’re at it!

·        Work out your Carbon footprint – and resolve to reduce it. There are lots of resources on the Web for working our your Carbon footprint and offsetting your Carbon emissions, such as the UK Carbon Footprint project at www.carbonfootprint.com, or the Big Green Switch at www.biggreenswitch.co.uk

·  See the Church of England’s Shrinking Your Carbon Footprint campaign at www.cofe.anglican.org

·   Switch to a green energy supplier. Again, there are details on the Web and help in switching at websites like the Green Helpline at www.greenhelpline.com

“Unless we change the direction we are heading, we might end up where we are going.” Chinese Proverb

Heartache

N.B. All of the following 11 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Today we had a joint men/women’s House of Prayer. It was good fun, interesting to share with the men also – (although a bit weird that they were there). Diane asked us to share various moments in our lives – the best and worst thing of 2011, reasons why we were special, and the happiest three moments in our lives. The last topic for me was the very hardest. I have had many happy moments in my life. But perhaps the happiest three also carry with them the deepest hurt: perhaps because the highest moments in our lives carry the potential for us to fall the furthest.

Interestingly for today’s advent reading – all three ‘happy’ moments are in some way connected to children:

1)    Anyone who knows me at all will know my passion and heart for the Philippines and the children and people I met there. The children and young people at Joyland have been especially on my mind recently, as it is getting close to Christmas and I long so much to share this time with them. They are so dear to my heart, and I am sparsely happier than when I am spending time with them - but of course it means that I feel such a great sense of loss when I am so far away.

2)    When I first came to Southend I was broken in so many ways, but there was one family that I became particularly close to and began to spend a lot of time with. The kids treated me like a big sister, and I loved them all as if they were my younger siblings. I enjoyed every moment I spent with the family, and always felt like I belonged. They welcomed me in, even at the most inconvenient times, and they helped me in too many ways for me to count. I loved them all. Unfortunately, over the last few years a few things have changed, and things are no longer as they once were. I still love them all just as much as I ever have, but it has been heartbreaking to share with them in their pain over the last few years.

3)    My niece is the absolute apple of my eye. I love her to the moon and back, and she makes me smile on the worst of my days. Being able to share in her growing and learning has been amazing. She is beautiful, funny and loving and growing up much too fast. (3 years old next week!) Unfortunately the world she is growing up into is not one I would wish on any child. I wish that I could in some way prevent her from ever finding out about the selfishness and greed that leads to so much suffering in the world. The look in her eyes the first time she learns about the conditions other children have to live in will break my heart. She is so privileged to have so much, but so many other children aren’t.

I hope you don’t mind me sharing those. (Well, if you do you don’t have to keep reading…) It has been helpful for me to share, without worrying about the tears in my eyes. Learn to see the world through a child’s eyes – do not hide away from the suffering. Allow it to sink into your soul – to break your heart as it does a child’s. But also learn to see the innocence in the world again – the majesty. The awesomeness of God come down to earth as a newborn baby.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·      Receive the Christmas story like a child.

·      Take some child-like delight in what is happening around you today.

·      Be amazed at the breath in your lungs, the pulse in your wrist, the wind in the trees, the sun upon your face, the water in your tap, the stars in the sky and the smiles on the faces of all the people who will look at you as if you are mad when you kneel down in the street and give thanks for the profligate goodness of the world that is given to us today.

·    Remember that you learned life’s really important lessons at nursery school; sit still, share your toys and clean up after yourself. If we managed these three there would be peace in the world!

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” Albert Einstein

Feast

N.B. All of the following 12 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is very interesting how we celebrate Jesus’ birth of simplicity by spending weeks and weeks stuffing our lives full of mass amounts of everything. I’m not a humbug, at least not anymore. I have had my fair share of amazing Christmas’, and even a few rotten ones, but I can no longer partake in the season of gluttony that has overtaken this time of year. No, I don’t have a chocolate calendar – I eat enough chocolate as it is, without needing a daily dose of it for the month before Christmas. I have not stocked up my cupboards with masses of food that I probably won’t eat.

An important part of Christmas is the great feast – dinner with all the trimmings and extras on Christmas Day that is shared with family or perhaps friends. But does not the feast taste better if it has not been preceded by days and days of stuffing your face? I eat many a meal over the year with my young people – but the one I enjoy the most is nearly always the one after the 24 hour famine. It is when we go without that we truly learn to appreciate what we have. It is the same with stuff. Those who go without learn much more how to treasure the little they are blessed with – while those who have everything often appreciate nothing.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Buy what you need.

·        Buy ethically reared poultry. Spend a bit more and eat a bit less.

·        Prepare for the feast with the simplicity of the fast.

·        And do a bit more of the cooking yourself. There is always one vital ingredient missing in pre-packaged food – the love that only you can stir in.

“Christmas has its critics and, if we are honest, I’m sure each of us has, at some time, wished we could quietly quit the planet and come back when it is over. On the other hand, at what other time of the year can we turn our minds to the sheer joy of feasting? The sharing of fine food and wines with family and friends is a deeply ingrained human (as well as religious) activity, without which our lives would surely be diminished.” Delia Smith

Envy

N.B. All of the following 15 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is interesting that today’s reading in DNCIC is about advertising, and parents feeling the pressure to buy their children all the stuff they want but probably don’t need. I was shopping with a bunch of teenagers today. They were generally looking/buying stuff for their friends, but every now and again they saw some things that they thought were cool and expressed sudden strong wishes to have theme. If they had never entered those shops, never known about those things, would they have missed them? Not at all.

There is something in the human psyche that makes us want stuff we see. What is up with that? ‘Monkey see, monkey want’ comes to mind. Perhaps the ability to resist the urge to suddenly need everything you see comes with maturity. (And I don’t mean getting older, because there are plenty of 50-year olds that suddenly ‘need’ the latest phone/car/clothes/haircut because they’ve seen someone else with it.) Perhaps that is why God felt the need to include this kind of ‘wanting’ in the 10 commandments. “Do not covet your neighbours wife, or your neighbours donkey.” God knew what kind of trouble this envious longing for stuff that other people have would get us into trouble.

I don’t suppose many people in the developed world could get themselves into debt just by buying the essentials. They say the level of personal debt has risen dramatically in the last few decades. Instead of saving for things, people will buy on credit, and so begins the spiral of never ending credit-card payments, loans from the bank, etc. If you can’t afford the car – don’t buy it. If you can’t afford a fancy holiday abroad, don’t go. If buying that laptop means you can’t afford to buy food this week, sort your priorities out! If buying those fancy trainers means you can’t put money in the offering plate this week – what are you really valuing?

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of verses in the Bible that teach us about money and the issues it causes. I can’t help but thinking many Christians are so caught up in the monetary and consumer ways of the world that they don’t even see a problem with it. Let me put it this way – how many hours away from your family are you going to have to work to pay for those presents this Christmas? The greatest present we can give our family is time.

Stuff bought out of guilt will soon lose its uniqueness. Anything electrical you buy will be out-of-date by the time it’s unwrapped. If you want something to be ‘cool’ and popular – what kind of relationships are you building with those around you? That you have to be the best, with all the latest stuff? Good for you. The first shall be last in heaven.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Are you planning to give your children everything they want this Christmas except the one thing they need the most – which is you?

• Have you made time to be there for their nativity play, Christingle service or end-of-term show?

• Are you going to sit down with them and talk through what they really want for Chrsitmas?

• Do nothing together. Idle away some time, fold up some paper and make some snowflakes to stick on the window; bake some mince pies together; plan some silly games to play at Christmas. Conversation often flows best when you are happily muddling away together at something like this.

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson



Dinner

N.B. All of the following 18 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I don’t like eating alone. In fact, I don’t even much enjoy living alone, hence the cat. It’s quite depressing to come home after a long day knowing that the next time you will speak to another human being will be either the Pizza delivery man, or when you return to work the next day. Living alone makes cooking a chore. Especially in the winter when the nights are long and cold.

I was born into a house full of people: Mum, Dad, Mel, Laura, David and Stephen (eventually) plus the various pets. Even after my sisters went off to University there were still a few different children around that my Mum looked after during the days. Our house was never quiet. I was very rarely alone. But I loved it. Sure, sometimes brothers can be a right pain in the backside, but it was life. Most Christmas’s back then my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin would come and stay, and Nan and Granddad would come to Christmas dinner too. There were often 13 or so of us squeezed round the dinner table. That was normal.

Unfortunately as I got older, life began to change. Mum stopped looking after kids, Dad started working again, Mel and Laura both settled elsewhere for good. During my teenage years, Mum and Dad separated, and then even David left home. Seven went down to three: Me, Mum and Stephen. Loneliness set in. I’m not surprised now why so many of my friends spent lots of time at my house. The house needed more people. It was too empty. Too quiet. There would be days when I would leave the house in the morning having not spoken a word to anyone, return home, spend the evening in my room until I went out, and then returned to my room immediately, having no conversation with my family other than “I’m going out!” or “I’m home!” I guess that’s part of the reason I’m not a bit fan of living alone now. Long days and nights remind me too much of that part of my life.

Things at home are a lot different now. A lot of the hurt from that time has healed, and we’ve all moved on. Mel, Laura and David are all married now. Mel and Jon have a gorgeous little one called Layla (who will be 3 in a few weeks!) As well as being my niece she’s my God-daughter too, and I love her to the moon and back. Mum and Dad are both in new relationships, (so now I kinda have 4 parents… great!) David has a couple of little kids too, and Stephen is no longer my ‘little’ brother, and will most days appear with a massive beard/moustache. His friends have replaced mine on the living room sofas. They’ve all moved on with their lives. I can’t help feeling I’m stuck.

A big part of Christmas is family. Sitting round the Dining Room table, swapping stories and (in my families case) toilet jokes. Laughing over current matters, funny comments and stupid things celebrities have done recently, all the while scoffing down huge portions of meat, vegetables and fizzy drinks. Sharing a meal together is part of sharing life together: even though we don’t live on top of one another any more, it’s an important part of our lives, to be together for special occasions.

Cottrell says: “We don’t invite people round to dinner because we think they’re hungry. We invite them round for their company. It’s the human craving for friendship and community that we need to fill.”

If I’m going to make any New Year’s resolutions this year it is to invite more people round to dinner. (If they can endure my cooking!) To share life with people. I’m pretty fed up of living on my own to be honest. If you want to come round anytime, just come. (Although if you want to eat let me know so I can make sure I have food in the fridge…) A good friend once said to me: “Mi casa, en su casa.” (My house is your house.) If you just read that, it applies to you too. And who knows. Maybe in sharing life with more people, that loneliness that sits in the depth of my stomach will begin to fade.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Get out the recipe book. Making a Christmas cake or a Christmas pudding is not that hard and not that expensive. And if you have someone else to do it with, all the better!

• Bring back mealtimes! Start a new regime where dinner is on the table at a certain time and you all sit together.

• And who else will you invite?

• And say grace before you start. Even if you can’t give thanks to God, be thankful that there is food on your table when so many in the world today have nothing.

“No matter how busy our current lifestyles are, or what is going on outside, family meals are important… I am determined to get families back around the table.” Gordon Ramsey

Wonder

N.B. All of the following 19 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Have you ever spent any length of time watching the stars? They are fascinating, beautiful, far too many to count. And on that first Christmas there was a star shining, brighter than any of the others we have seen. With what wonder must those first travellers; the vast assembly of wise men from lands afar (yes, there were probably more than three wise men); have gazed upon that first Christmas star, the one leading them to the child: the most important person they were ever going to meet. The star that guided them night and day, across desert, field, town and country to the King of all the universe! What awe must have filled them as they travelled, thinking about the King that they were going to meet. I wonder what visions of great palaces and mountains of wealth and goodness filled their heads as they travelled.

And when they arrived, (after making a short stop at Herod’s palace) they found small boy. A tiny child, whose eyes would have filled with wonder and curiosity at the sight of these strange travellers, bearing gifts quite un-useful for a toddler. How much would Jesus have known at such a young age, and what treasured memories would have been stored up in the hearts of Mary and Joseph. All parents must wonder what their child is going to be like when they grow up. Jesus was the Saviour of the World, but in what capacity. What marvellous things was he going to do? It was no wonder that Mary seemed hurried to get him started at the wedding at Cana. She’d been waiting 30ish years since the Angel first visited her, giving her the news that would change her life forever. Did she know that in 33 years she would watch as her son was brutally tortured and nailed on a cross to die? I wonder.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• What stars are you following? What do you really want to get out of life? It doesn’t say on anyone’s gravestone, they wished they’d spent more time at the office!

• What angels will visit you today? What messages are you listening to? Those siren voices complaining that you aren’t good enough, rich enough, clever enough, attractive enough? Or the voices of affirmation that say to you, like they said to Mary, that God thinks you’re OK, that he has a purpose for your life, that he can be alive in you. The word angel means ‘messenger’. There are messages for you today.

• And why not buy a real ever-new, evergreen Christmas tree in a pot this year, and then you can keep it for next year too!

• If you have a cut tree, make sure you recycle it! 90% never are!

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall!” Larry Wilde

Debts

N.B. All of the following 20 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

So many people think the Christmas season is about buying stuff. (In actual fact so many people think life is about buying stuff… but we’ll leave that for now.) As much as I love giving gifts to those I love, and enjoy sharing what I have with others, I don’t ever think that should be limited to the month of December.

Giving is more than spending money on a present that the receiver may or may not want, and may or may not leave in a box until they can find someone else to give it to. Giving is about the surrendering of your own agenda. It’s about listening to a friend, and not wanting to jump in with your own stories. It’s about being able to just be in silence with someone else. It’s about remembering to ask them how their day was before moaning about your own. It’s about recognising when they’re having a really crap day, but trying not to show it. It’s about the encouraging smile or wink that you sneak in when no-one else is looking. Christmas may include the giving and receiving of hundreds of pounds worth of presents for you – but don’t forget to give yourself to your loved ones. Chances are they’ll remember that gift much longer than the one in the wrapping paper.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Cut up the credit cards now. If things are really that bad, then there’s really no alternative.

• Only use cash. It will help you keep a better check on how much you’re spending.

• Do another quick bit of mental arithmetic. How much do you earn? How much can you afford? What can you realistically spend on Christmas this year?

• For help with debt, phone the National Debtline on 0808 8084000 or go to the Citizens Advice Bureau website, www.adviceguide.org.uk. The Christian Stewardship website www.stewardship.org.uk also has lots of helpful information including a Christmas challenge and top ten tips for financial management at Christmas. Or look at the Church of England’s Matter of Life or Debt pages www.cofe.anglican.org/debt.

• And what other debts do you have? What outstanding claims of love, forgiveness, generosity and mercy do you owe, and how will you pay them?

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

Myths

N.B. All of the following 21 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Our church, like many others, is putting on a Nativity play again this year. It is filled with the usual array of songs, angel-like children playing innkeepers, shepherds and King’s, while Mary and Joseph blissfully arrive at the front of stage with a manger of straw and a few human looking animals. It will be delightful I’m sure, and parents will beam with pride as their children sing sweetly on the stage in groups. And hey, people will even enjoy it and clap etc. But once again, I am left wondered what kind of true message we are sending to the world at Christmas.

Do you know anyone who lives in a family where the parents, in the midst of hardship and pain sing a song, completely agree and support each other and never once lose their temper, get frustrated or argue? I’m not saying that good marriages don’t exist (I have been lucky to see a few in my time) but there is often so little reality in the Nativity story put on by schools, churches and youth groups that I struggle to understand why we do it like that.

“The story of family life at the heart of the Christmas story is radically different. Mary is a teenage mum.  Pregnant outside of marriage, she is almost abandoned and then wonderfully supported by her husband-to-be. About to give birth, they travel great distances in order to conform to the tax regulations of an occupying foreign power. There is nowhere for the child to be born, so Mary ends up giving birth in a cowshed at the back of a pub. There was no midwife. No gas and air. No clean sheets. No epidural.” Stephen Cottrell

This is the story that is written about in the Bible, the story of Jesus’ entering into the world a human baby. Can I emphasise the HUMAN in that sentence? He was willing to put his life into the hands of a human mother, a young girl, that the pain and suffering in the world would become part of his pain and suffering, the frustrations and joys of being alive on earth would become his. Do you know many new-born babies that settle down to sleep and never cry? Ask any new parent how much sleep they’ve been getting and you’d come a lot closer to your answer than to read the lyrics of ‘Away in a Manger’.

So this Christmas, don’t feel like your family is not like every other family. Don’t spend time wishing you were somewhere else. Just enjoy them. Enjoy the time that you have with them. And don’t regret a single moment of it.

DNCIC recommendations:

• Pick up the phone…
•  … or at least send a text or an email, but not one that adds to people’s burdens, demanding a reply – just something to let someone know that you are thinking of them.
• Imagine yourself into the shoes of a family member, especially one you’re finding difficult. What are you like to them? And what are the challenges they are facing?
• Try to spend a few moments each day thinking and praying for your family. Christmas is often the time when families get together and often the time when they fall apart. Think through what your family is facing, and pour some goodwill into them.

“If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.” Woody Allen

Thankful

Whilst reading the 'Enough' book, it spends some time suggesting how modern people can break out of the pressure of desperately needing more and more things to be fulfilled. One suggestion is to learn to be grateful for things that we so often take for granted. John Naish (the guy who wrote the book) talks about the Three Beautiful Things blog in which the author writes each day about three things that she is grateful for. I've read a few entries and I really like the idea. It is similar to the daily thankfulness I tried last year, (when I used my FB status each day to give thanks for something instead of complaining about something), and also the 1000 Awesome Things blog which is also highly amusing.

Sometimes they seem really random, but I think that in learning to be grateful for that which we have, we un-learn the need to have 'more' in all areas of our life. So I thought I'd give it a go and see how I get on. I guess for me it all seems highly fitting in this time of 'reassessing' my needs - and learning to let go of so much that has made life comfortable over the 22 years, 3 weeks and 2 days that I have spent on this earth. So here goes.

Today I am thankful for:

Sunshine alarm clocks.

Both in my flat in Southend and when at home-home in Brentwood, an alarm clock is a rather over-rated thing, as Mr Sun will often do the job just as adequately. But there is something deeply warming about waking up to sunlight on your face that sets the day up to be something wonderful.

A Toddlers Secret Language

I love my niece. (Have I mentioned before?) In a year I have gone from being 'Amamama', to 'Ami-sh' to 'Amana', and I think I am at last Auntie Ami. But there is something about the time I spend with her that is refreshing, heart-warming, and most of the time, deeply hilarious. At only 2 years, 4 months old, she hasn't quite grasped the English language in all it's fullness (well, who has?) and so much of the time, conversations with her often require a great deal of guessing or bluffing. Today we had almost a ten minute conversation with me having absolutely no clue at all what she was saying. She didn't seem all that fussed. My bluffing must be good! Anyway, I love that when she says 'oooff-gho', I know she means 'Let's go!'

Cousins

Today I spent some time with my cousins, whom I haven't seen much of in the last few years, mainly because of me being away in Southend. Anyways, they're 12-year-old triplets that I used to love spending time with when I was younger, and today, I spent a few hours reminiscing with them and telling them all about funny little things they used to do. It was great fun. It's strange really though, having family whose parent is a sibling of your parent (meaning they grew up together) and yet often cousins have lifes completely different to yours. Anyways, it was so cool, spending time with these 12-year olds who I used to see really often, and realising all of a sudden that they are people who have their own ideas, opinions, but you have this weird deep connection, even though you haven't seen each other for ages... and you could actually have some kind of an impact on how they see the world. I mean, when I was their age, I looked up to the older cousins of the family, but I've never really thought that the Triplets might do that to me. In a way I hope they do, and I hope that I teach them something fantastic about the world. I dunno... It's something I'm thankful for.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna shut up now cause I've blogged more in the last few days than the last year altogether! May God bless you and may you learn something fantastic about His love for you this Easter.

Nine

N.B. There are many times I wish to write, but I sit and I wait for the words to come tumbling into my head, and most of the time they make no decent amount of sense to record in a blog. Please be patient. My time will come again. :)

On Sunday, I was rushing about like a mad person, as per usual before the service, trying to make sure everything was ready for Sunday school, making sure the Music group had the words, ensuring the room upstairs was ready for the group to use, etc, and all the other things that have fallen upon my shoulders in the last few months. It was crazy, and by the time the service started, I suppose I was just about ready to go home for a nap!

After the first few songs, during which I was trying to sing in the worship group and also mouth to a few young people on the front row to face the front and stop messing around, the preacher stood up to do the short children's talk. I went and took my seat next to the young people on the front row, hoping to use the next ten minutes of the service to relax before heading out to lead Sunday School, when someone tapped on my shoulder, and a hushed and hurried message about some child refusing to come into church was told in my ear. I sighed, and attempted (probably unsucessfully) to sneak down the aisle into the back of church, where, there indeed, was a young girl, around nine years old, standing in the lobby area, flatly refusing to enter church.

It was a child that I knew fairly well, and got on well with her mother, and at first the disciplinarian side of me flared, so I tried gentle coaxing and pushing at the same time, taking her by the hand and playfully shoving her towards the door. She put up quite a resistance, and dug her heels into the floor, making it near impossible to get her into the church, and as I didn't fancy dragging her up the aisle to the front row where my seat was, we settled for a nice comfy seat in the vestibule, where we could see and hear what was going on in the service without actually being a part of it. In a way I was pretty grateful myself to be out of the service to get some breathing space.

So we sat, and I began to ask her why she didn't want to go into church that morning. The conversation contintued along these lines: (Me in Italics) (Katie* in bold)

*child's name changed for confidentiality.

"Where's your Mum?"

"In there." *points to church.*

"Where's your brother?"

"In there. " *points to church*

"Oh. Don't you want to go and sit with them?"

"No."

"Have you had an arguement with your Mum?"

*nods*

"Oh dear. What about?"

"Cause she was being naughty."

"Why was she being naughty?"

"Cause she told me off."

"Well, why did she tell you off?"

"Erm... cause I was being naughty."

"Ah. Well don't be naughty then!"

*giggles*

"So why don't you come and sit with me then?"

"I don't want to. I hate church. It's boring"

"No way! You find having a relationship with God himself boring? You find coming together with others who believe and celebrating that relationship boring?!?"

"Yeah... well I don't even know if I believe in God anyway."

"Oh, okay. Why is that then?"

"Because who created God? Who is God's parents?"

"Why do you think that God had to have parents?"

"Well, how did he get there?"

"Okay, well, you know that God created tree's?"

"Yeah."

"So if everything is created by something, then you go back and back and back to the very first thing that started everything else. You can't keep going on forever, can you?"

"No..."

"Well, Christian's believe that the very FIRST thing, the thing that created the first thing that was created, was God. He started everything."

"Oh..." *pause*

"Sometimes I find it hard to believe in God too. But I think choosing to follow God isn't always about what we think or feel, it's what we choose to believe."

"Huh?"

"Well, I believe God does lots of things in our lives. And sometimes we choose to thank him for them, and sometimes we choose to thank other things for them. Like, if I pray to God to help me pass a test, and then I pass a test, I can either choose to give God the thanks, or to give myself a pat on the back for working hard for it. In my life, if I look carefully, there are many things that God probably helped me out on, that I never gave him the credit for. And in your life too, there are probably things that he's done for you. Sometimes we just have to choose to see God in things that other people don't."

"Yeah."

"But when we pray to God to help us get something good, that doesn't always mean that He is going to say yes. God knows what is best for us, so sometimes he won't give us the things that he knows are going to harm us, or things that we don't really need."

"Yeah, like the time I asked God for a barbie bike, and I didn't get one."

"Yeah, like that. But even if we pray to God to help us when things are bad, that doesn't mean he is going to say yes either! When bad things happen, we can choose to blame God for them, or we can choose to accept that God knows much more than us, and to trust that things will work out for the best."

"Yeah."

"You see Katie, I believe we can only see a part of the picture that God see's. It's like a giant painting, with hundreds of different colours, and the painting is made up of lives, of the life of the universe. Now our little life may be in a part of the picture that is really dark, maybe black or brown. We could ask God to change it, to make it a different colour, or for God maybe to make a situation easier or better, but we can't see the bigger picture. Cause the bigger picture is that it's important that for a time, we go through hard stuff. Cause it makes us stronger when we come out the other side, and it helps us in the future to be better people. So when we pray to God to make our situation better, and maybe he says no, or he doesn't change the situation for us, that doesn't meant that he wants us to go through bad stuff, but it means that he can see and understand the reasons for the bad stuff much better than we can."

"Yeah I guess." *long pause*

"Ya know, when I was your brothers age, my parents got divorced. And at the time, I really prayed hard that God would bring my family back together, and would make my parents get along. And it was really hard to go through that, and at the time, I didn't really understand why God was making me go through this really tough time. But now, 6 years later, I can see that it helped me to become a better person, and it means that I can help other people whose parents are separated or divorced, cause I can understand a little bit of what they are going through."

"Like me."

"Yeah, exactly. I know that it might seem hard and scary and not very nice at the moment, but things will get better. And you are going to be a much better person because of it. And I am sure that your Dad loves you very much, even if he can't see the right thing at the moment, and seems to be being a bit horrible, it's just cause adults get confused about stuff too. And sometimes they focus their energy on the wrong things.

"Yeah. All my Dad cares about at the moment is money. Cause we are living in his house. He just won't help us with anything, and he never really supports me or anything."

"Oh sweetie. That's feels rubbish, doesn't it? I'm afraid your Dad just has his priorities a bit messed up at the minute, and he is more worried about money than people. But one day, he is going to realise that. And Katie, if your Dad misses out on a few years of your life because if this, then he is going to miss out on something really special. He's going to miss watching you grow up! Something I'm not going to miss out on. And your Mum and your brother are going to see too. Because you are going to be one amazing young lady, you know that? And because of all this really rubbish and hard stuff that you are going through at the moment, you are going to be so much stronger, and so much braver at the end of that. And there are lots of other people who are around who are here to support you, even if right now, your Dad is too confused to do that..."

*We paused, and Katie nodded with tears in her eyes. I gave her a big hug.*

"I know something that God helped me on! When I started Year 4, my school work was really low, but then it got really good in the middle of the year, and I had prayed to God about it."

"That's great!"

By this time it was almost time for Sunday school, so we headed round into the Main Hall and everything carried on as normal. Katie stayed pretty close to me for the rest of the morning, but she went back to being a kid again. But that didn't change what I had seen in her that day. Up until then, I had seen her as a pretty average 8/9 year old child, who acts out once in a while, has the ability to spike a high temper, and who most of the time is more interested in playing around rather than sitting still. But I saw a part of her that I had previously ignored. In the many conversations I have had with her Mum, I assumed that Katie was oblivious to all the stuff going on with her parents apart from what she had been told, and that she knew very little. How wrong I was. She knew exactly what was going on, and there was a large part of her that was hurting, and confused, and just didn't know what to do.

Looking back, I guess it was that part of her that acted out in the refusal to go into church on Sunday. But in a way, I am quite glad she did. Because it gave me an opportunity to reach through the childish façade she often dons and grab her hand. Maybe stop her from falling too far. And in a way, I was only able to do that by sitting with her, and choosing not to see the stubborn child that was acting out. But by allowing her to just be, and talk, and not be forced to sit in a service when all you want is for someone to pay attention to you, and the person you are, and the part of you that is hurting so bad. I doubt that what I said to Katie will stand any kind of ground as she heads into her summer holidays. But I hope she remembers that I care, and that I love, and that I will listen, should she ever need it.

God bless her, her family, and all she walks beside in the future.