Bad Day.

It’s one of those days. One where the perks of being a borderline are felt deep and raw, heartbreaking and uncontrollable. Attachment issues. Fear of abandonment. Anxiety. Distorted self-worth and identity. These things, amongst BPD friends we laugh at them. We wind each other up about it. We might even make a few jokes that cut just a little too far beneath the surface. But when they rear their heads, in days like today, there is nothing to laugh about. There is just crawling into a ball and refusing to eat, drink or move. There is crying and more crying. Isolation and despair. There is fear and there is deep pain.

In the last 48 hours, I have lost two of my professional support team. Both my support worker at Saltbrook and now my CCO have gone. New jobs, new lives and opportunities: for them. And for me, a hurt I can’t express. A wound that will take me many many years and counselling sessions to unpack. I don’t do goodbyes. I can’t deal with people walking out of my life.

Ironically, as an INFJ, if you let me down consistently I will eventually do an INFJ door slam on you. I will cut toxic people out of my life regularly. And I know that I push you away, cause it’s all part of the chronic controversy that is Borderline Personality. But if you’re a friend, a help, someone I can talk to and rely on; someone I love and care about: Please don’t leave me. Please stick around long enough to see me fight this horrible illness. I’m really trying. Today is just not a good day.

Honesty.

Honesty. How much is too much? I’ve been thinking about this so much recently, because often when I’m in a bad place, people will ask me a question and want me to “be honest with them” about how I’m feeling, but it doesn’t always end up being the best thing for me. So I hold back the whole truth, and I give a generic overview; the tip of the iceberg, if you will. Not sure if it’s my BPD, INJF-ness or my autistic traits but I just really struggle with generic questions like, ‘how are you?’. My brain won’t compute an answer in the socially accepted time-frame within which to answer so I say, “fine” or “yeah I’m okay.” If you want to know something direct you’re much better off asking me a direct question.

It’s certainly no secret that since getting out of hospital I have been really struggling, wishing things could be different, wishing I could somehow understand the mess my head is in. I cry at the smallest things. I cry at the big things. I feel alone and yet I’m surrounded. I feel overwhelmed and empty and every day I just hope and pray that something might suddenly just click into place; that I might begin to feel a little bit more normal.

I know I need to give myself time, to rest and recover, to give therapy a chance, to hold on to hope and love and peace that might one day drop back into my life. But it’s hard. It’s so hard.

So I just wanted to say thank you. So many of you have encouraged me and been praying for me and have been ever so patient when I just haven’t been able to do the things I normally would have. Maybe you were one of those people who asked how I was and didn’t feel like you got the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I’m sorry.

And I’m so thankful for this Insta feed. Morgan Harper Nichols posts speak so loudly to me. I read them all the time to remind myself to let grace abound and to let myself breathe. To trust that the light will break through the darkness and grace pours in day after day. Because honesty, though it might not be perfect, it is a beautiful thing.

Faith Pt 1

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that there are some situations that can’t be changed. Moments that once missed, are gone forever. Events that will play out no matter how much you try to avoid them. Conversations that once had, can never be forgotten. And no amount of wishing and hoping can change it. Time is fleeting.

Opportunities are as permanent as the clouds in the sky. The sun rises and the sun sets, and life goes on. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many emotions and situations I wish I could leave behind.

At the start of this week, I was so eager to hear the gentle whisper of God’s voice. Maybe He would speak into my soul and remind me of my unique place in His creation. Perhaps He might remind my inner being how much He loved me. Maybe He would heal me or release me of the immense pain I feel inside. Or fill me with supernatural peace and calm that comes only from above. It didn’t happen.

So now, as this week begins to stumble into the past, I am feeling rather disappointed. The opportunities have passed, I will never live this week again. What’s done is done. I have no idea how to feel, or even to describe the darkness that eats at my core. Everything happens for a reason, though right? Or maybe everything just happens, and we try, in our humanness, to find meaning in it. A year ago, everything was so different. A year ago, I was so different. So I guess, all things considered, no matter how fleeting time is, its effect is seen, felt, and experienced, in the moments like this.

React.

I wonder how you react to bad news. Are you someone who immediately worries about others, or how you will be affected, or the sadness of the situation? Maybe you are quick to empathise, or quick to try to solve?

Me? I tend to internalise everything I hear. I often need a while to process news before I can begin to unpack how I really feel about it. It’s like I have an internal carousel, and every time something happens the news jumps on the carousel, except I have no idea when it’s going to get off again. And while it’s going round and round in my head, I make assumptions about the world and the people in it. So certain things will set off an internal chain-reaction that make me appear to over-react to something others think is insignificant. It’s a massive part of my illness and it’s only recently that I’ve realised how much I do it.

So, I have to apologise if in the past I’ve over-reacted (or under-reacted) to some news. Perhaps I wasn’t quite ready to process. Perhaps I was over-processing something that spilled out when I heard what you were saying. Perhaps there were just too many things on the carousel, and lots got off at the same time. I’m sorry. There is so much going on inside my head that you will never see. I hope you can be patient with me.

Truth.

This is a truth that I am fighting with at the moment. In all honesty, I think the hardest thing for people to understand about EUPD (or BPD as it is more commonly known) is that I “feel” every emotion on a deeper and more excruciating level than others might. Especially with regards to real or imagined abandonment. This means that at times, when I am not in a good place mentally, I will experience and overreact to the smallest thing, because my illness causes me to believe things are a certain way, when perhaps they’re not. (But I can’t see that.)

The trouble is being able to recognise when my reaction is BPD based, and not truth based. I’m not trying to be cryptic, an example might be, when in a friendship with someone, if they don’t text in the nature they normally do, or perhaps don’t reply to a text, I will astronomically overread into the situation, believing myself to have annoyed/angered them, and therefore berate myself for my own incompetence and stupidity when actually, perhaps they were texting in a rush or were preoccupied or some other reason I don’t think of at the time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that (sometimes) friendships can be really hard for those with BPD. And I guess it can be hard for the ones on the other side as well. When the darkness of mental illness closes in around someone, it can be difficult to know what to say or do for those who are suffering. Sometimes it can be really uncomfortable. So, I just want to say, it’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay if you don’t know what to do. But please, I’m begging you, please don’t let your discomfort or awkwardness stop you reaching out to someone. Just a text to say, I’m thinking of you. You’re not forgotten. Comment a 💜 or a *hug* on a post. Let them know you hear them. You see them. It doesn’t have to be big. They may not reply themselves. But sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest difference. In a time when mental illness is all over social media, don’t make things over complicated. A hug or a smile can shine a bright light into someone who can only see the darkness.

Thanks for listening folks. 🙂

Name

N.B. I know it's always been a while since my last post but I had some good excuses this time. I'll try and fill in my Philippines blogs when I find where I've written them....

Just before Christmas I made the decision to move out of the flat I'd been staying in for the last three and a half years. It wasn't a decision that was made lightly, but I without a job or a steady/decent income, it was just too expensive to stay. So I put my life in boxes, and in the week in between Christmas and New Year, transported it to various lofts, garages, and my Mum's lounge. I then said goodbye to the town that had been my life and my home for five years, and headed back to where it all began: Brentwood. Although I love my family, moving back in with Mum (minus all my stuff) and not being independent has been a bit of an identity shock. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, and it has taken me almost a month to get used to the way things work. I'm so used to having my own space, and doing everything for myself, and now I don't really get that. I feel out of place.

Since finishing my job as a youth worker at the end of August, I've also been 'out of work' although I spent 2 of those months in the Philippines, being a 'big sister' to lots of gorgeous children; at no point was I 'doing' youth work. And back in my home town and at my home church, where people have known me since the tender age of 5, I'm just Ami, who has been missing for five years and who happens to be a qualified youth worker. People have asked for my opinion, but I'm not in charge of anything, and none of the kids/young people really know me so far. And actually, none of the adults really know me very well either. They don't know what I stand for, what I'm good at, what I'm passionate about, what I'm capable of.

At Housegroup the other week, we were discussing the Nooma DVD 'Name', and in church, one of the sermons was talking all about how our identity mustn't be found in what we do, or our service becomes a self-service rather than to benefit God's kingdom, and ultimately, is damaging to ourselves and others. Although I would never normally admit it openly, it really hit home to me how much of my identity is caught up in what I do, and what I perceive to be my 'service' to God, might actually be a lot more about allowing me to find myself rather than to help others. I don't consciously serve others to help myself, I like helping others, and am happy to do so, but perhaps over the years, I have gotten so used to doing things that now that I'm not, I feel lost... As if I have no place in God's kingdom.

I do have this desire to please people. I cannot cope with people being upset with me, and often go out of my way to ensure that whatever hurt I think I have caused is atoned for... even if there wasn't any. The thought that someone is holding a grudge against me really gets to me, and so a lot of the time I will try extra hard to get people to like me by doing things, helpful things, so that people won't think of me as lazy or unwilling to help others. Sometimes I am conscious of this decision, and other times I have volunteered to do something before I am even aware of it myself. I have a real problem with saying no, often because I feel I have no good reason to say no. Other people have kids or partners or families to take care of, and I don't, so why don't I help? The idea of saying 'no' to someone just because I have something better I'd rather be doing doesn't sit too well with me.

So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not quite sure who I am. And I wanted to record that in my blogs, so that people who think of me as having everything sorted and always being strong can know the truth. I'm just as confused and unsure of myself as you. Perhaps I'm just better at hiding it.

Ekklesia

Church. What's the first thing you think of? Boring, old-fashioned, big ugly building, weird Christian people who don't have any fun? Or perhaps you have more optimistic thoughts... Nice. Organic. Friendly. But even with these latter thoughts, where does our idea of church even come from? Why is it that we sit in rows and sing songs and read liturgy and baptise people by 'full-immersion'? Does our current idea of 'church' actually fit in with what the Bible tells us, or have we gone astray?

Perhaps the answer lies in it's meaning. In the original Greek texts of the New Testament, the word 'ekklesia' is what is substituted in English versions of the Bible for 'church'. But in ancient Greek, 'church' was 'kuriakos', meaning, 'of the Lord'. Therefore, when the original translators chose to substitute 'ekklesia' for 'church', there was a shift from the 'called-out ones' of 'ekklesia' to the 'of the Lord' people of 'kuriakos'.

Be that as it may, in name or meaning, what signifies that 21st Century churches deserve the reputation  of 'ekklesia' that is used to describe the disciples over 115 times in the NT? Paul and Silas had a reputation. They were 'trouble-makers' all over the known world (Acts 17:6). But what were they doing that had caused such uproar? Perhaps they were telling people to go to church, or to support the local Minister, or to be nice to their neighbours? No.

Paul and Silas were declaring that there was another king: Jesus. A king bigger than Caesar, a King that was building his Kingdom, a king that was at war! Paul and Silas were not advocating for churches, they were building God's Kingdom. And being part of God's kingdom means over-throwing all the other kings in the minds of the people and alienating them from the mental hold of the things that ruled their lives. They were calling people out of their differences to surrender their hearts and lives to the Kingdom where all who heard and believed would join as one community.

So where does this modern idea of 'church' come from? In effect, (without boring you with a very long lecture on church history) it grew, influenced by culture, from the moment Constantine legalised Christian worship in 313AD, until around 1950... (when it just got stuck.) Churches reflected the culture around them, strict, formal, controlled. No longer where Christian's the ones 'called-out' to follow Jesus, they were the ones that 'ventured out' on a Sunday morning. For many, faith bore no resemblance nor significance to everyday life.

Fortunately though, this was not true for everyone. There are many amazing men and women of God in British history that lived the message they heard and believed. At one time -  the church was at the forefront in societal change - providing hospitals, schools, food, shelter, clothing, care and love. It took the governmental institutions decades to catch up with what our forefather's were doing. But now? Many churches reject homosexuals whereas society has been accepting for years. Many churches reject divorcees though society has deemed it acceptable. Many churches demoralise women though they won 'equality' in society nearly 100 years ago. When did the Church stop leading the way in love, acceptance, grace and humility?

Have we become so scared that our values will be undermined by society that we have locked ourselves away in our brick buildings to sing our songs and say our prayers before creeping back into the world to join the crowd? Why are we afraid to stand for what we say we believe? Is God not big enough? Is Jesus' message not radical enough? Church should be about more than going out on a Sunday morning to sit in an uncomfortable pew in a building that is normally too cold or too hot, standing occasionally to sing a few songs half-heartedly, and listen to someone talk for half an hour before saying a few heartless prayers, stand around drinking average coffee and making awkward conversation and then go home, unchanged. 

Even if the preacher is particularly good, or the worship particularly pleasing, how long before you're back to your life, living the same way as always, buying non-fairtrade foods, unethical clothing, moaning about the bills and how expensive holidays are, fobbing off charity workers in the high street because you 'can't afford' to give, and yet had pre-ordered the latest child-laboured Apple product and enjoy the luxury of hot meals, new clothes, couple of holidays a year and Sky TV. Isn't anyone else fed up of the hypocrisy? We watch Man VS Food and we laugh, because it's funny to watch a man trying to eat ridiculous sized portions of food in an hour. But the deep sadness is that 21, 000 children died today because of starvation, unclean water and easily preventable diseases.

So I ask you this: If the 'ekklesia' of the 21st century are satisfied with being 'church', then what is the point?

Santa

N.B. All of the following 5 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I never really got the big deal about Father Christmas. I’m not sure how young I was, maybe 5 or 6 when I worked out that he probably wasn’t real. But it didn’t really bother me so much. I knew my parents gave me the gifts and I was thankful that I had so many things to open on Christmas Day, regardless of who they came from.

I think that believing in Santa changes the way a child approaches Christmas. They might write him a letter asking him for lavish gifts that their parents will then have to somehow acquire. They might make an extra-effort to be good in the belief that Santa is making his Naughty/Nice list. On Christmas Eve they might leave out milk and cookies, maybe even a carrot or two for the reindeer. They might even go to bed, good as gold, in the hope that when they awake their stockings will be full of wonderful gifts and toys. And when they wake on Christmas morning to a stocking full of presents, they will delight in ‘What Santa Brought!’ and believe that they merited such gifts with their good behaviour.

There’s not much wrong with any of that. But some children are taught about Jesus much the same as Santa – he’s someone you believe in when you’re younger but it doesn’t really affect how you life as an adult. Some might even believe that the good gifts they are given in life have been awarded because of their ‘good’ behaviour. But life isn’t that simple.

Believing in Santa, and believing in Jesus are two very different things. One of them is a timeless figure that remains through the ages; the other is a child who grows into a man. A man who heals the sick, feeds the hungry, and dies for the sin of the world.

“Enjoy the Father Christmas story with your children, and when they question it help them to leave it behind. But enjoy the story of Jesus as well. And when they question it, allow it to lead them forward. It can show them how to inhabit the world.” S. Cottrell

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Read the story to your children. There are good children’s Bible’s easily available.

·        Read the story yourself – but make sure you get a modern translation.

·        Enjoy the Father Christmas story, and invent a few weird family traditions of your own. Make a Smartie trail for your kids this Christmas leading from the foot of their bed to the presents under the tree, or a hidden present somewhere in the house.

·        If you don’t have one already, invest in a crib and give it the pride of place in the house, and light a candle by it in the evening.

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” Jesse Jackson

Binging

N.B. All of the following 14 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I’ve been tee-total for about 3 years now, and not really drunk alcohol much at all for the last 5. I’m not against alcohol, just don’t feel like I need it to have a good time, and I don’t like the person I become when I do have a drink, so about three years ago I decided that I wasn’t going to drink it any more – at all. It’s not really been that hard, I don’t like the taste of it and it’s far too expensive.

Christmas though, seems to be the season of alcohol-foods. Not only is nearly every traditional Christmas food drowning in the stuff, but people seem to think it is even more acceptable to drink it in copious amounts. Christmas office parties become rooms full of drunken, slurring and overly-familiar men and women, who will probably spend most of the following day sleeping off the hangover. I don’t know why people question my motives…

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Do a quick (and honest) self assessment: how much do you drink each week? How much do you depend on drink to fuel your social life?

• Reconsider the honourable and ancient tradition of the fast. This was what the period leading up to Christmas used to be about: we did without things in order to learn what is truly essential and to appreciate them more when we enjoyed them again.

• The feast is far sweeter when it follows the fast.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol

Longing

N.B. All of the following 16 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

We had a discussion at Youth Club today about whether Jesus knew from a really young age what his life was for, the reason for him being on earth. Was it at the moment of baptism, or at his coming of age, or after he started his ministry? At what point did he know that he was going to die. Perhaps during the 40 days in the desert post-baptism, God spoke to him. I know that it’s something we’re never going to know for sure, but its interesting to hear different people’s perspectives and reasoning.

I guess it’s almost a question we all ask of ourselves during our lives – what is my purpose? Some will say to make others happy, to share love, to enjoy life. Some will have shallower answers, some deeper, and perhaps others will say there is no purpose what so ever. There’s probably a few who say the figuring out of our purpose is our purpose… but that just doesn’t quite sit right with me.

In my core, I believe that as beings made in God’s image, without God we are left with a longing, a deep sense of ‘something else’ that can’t be filled with the stuff of this world. (A God-shaped hole, if you must.) Maybe our purpose is to discover that we have a longing, and discover that only God alone can fulfil it. I do believe that there is a purpose for all of our lives. Some of us are supposed to teach, some to preach, some to encourage. All of us should love. All of us should care. All of us should live as Jesus taught, with the deeper purpose of seeking God more and more in our lives. Not seeking what God can do, but seeking God himself. Our purpose should be driven by our longing for our Father, the Almighty God.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Treat yourself to a few minutes of stillness today. See what a difference it makes.

• Listen to a piece of music, or read a poem, or just dare to be silent, listening to your own breathing. Peel back the layers of your subterfuge and denial and look again at what your heart longs for and what it believes.

• What are the things that get you back in touch with yourself? Treat yourself to a dose of whatever tickles your fancy; or at least schedule it in for those days after Christmas when you might even have some time – not to kill – but to ravish!

• All the major religions teach about the value of prayer, stillness, solitude and silence. It is possible to build these things into our lives. Find our more about the fine art of doing nothing.

“No one in the world can alter truth. All we can do is seek it and live it.” Maximilian Kolbe

Myths

N.B. All of the following 21 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Our church, like many others, is putting on a Nativity play again this year. It is filled with the usual array of songs, angel-like children playing innkeepers, shepherds and King’s, while Mary and Joseph blissfully arrive at the front of stage with a manger of straw and a few human looking animals. It will be delightful I’m sure, and parents will beam with pride as their children sing sweetly on the stage in groups. And hey, people will even enjoy it and clap etc. But once again, I am left wondered what kind of true message we are sending to the world at Christmas.

Do you know anyone who lives in a family where the parents, in the midst of hardship and pain sing a song, completely agree and support each other and never once lose their temper, get frustrated or argue? I’m not saying that good marriages don’t exist (I have been lucky to see a few in my time) but there is often so little reality in the Nativity story put on by schools, churches and youth groups that I struggle to understand why we do it like that.

“The story of family life at the heart of the Christmas story is radically different. Mary is a teenage mum.  Pregnant outside of marriage, she is almost abandoned and then wonderfully supported by her husband-to-be. About to give birth, they travel great distances in order to conform to the tax regulations of an occupying foreign power. There is nowhere for the child to be born, so Mary ends up giving birth in a cowshed at the back of a pub. There was no midwife. No gas and air. No clean sheets. No epidural.” Stephen Cottrell

This is the story that is written about in the Bible, the story of Jesus’ entering into the world a human baby. Can I emphasise the HUMAN in that sentence? He was willing to put his life into the hands of a human mother, a young girl, that the pain and suffering in the world would become part of his pain and suffering, the frustrations and joys of being alive on earth would become his. Do you know many new-born babies that settle down to sleep and never cry? Ask any new parent how much sleep they’ve been getting and you’d come a lot closer to your answer than to read the lyrics of ‘Away in a Manger’.

So this Christmas, don’t feel like your family is not like every other family. Don’t spend time wishing you were somewhere else. Just enjoy them. Enjoy the time that you have with them. And don’t regret a single moment of it.

DNCIC recommendations:

• Pick up the phone…
•  … or at least send a text or an email, but not one that adds to people’s burdens, demanding a reply – just something to let someone know that you are thinking of them.
• Imagine yourself into the shoes of a family member, especially one you’re finding difficult. What are you like to them? And what are the challenges they are facing?
• Try to spend a few moments each day thinking and praying for your family. Christmas is often the time when families get together and often the time when they fall apart. Think through what your family is facing, and pour some goodwill into them.

“If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.” Woody Allen

Hypocrite

N.B. All of the following 23 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Why is it that everyone expects everything to be okay at Christmas? And that people spend so much time buying presents for the people they love rather than just spending all time they waste down the shops with them?

Why do so many people wonder why young people act so spoilt, selfish and individualistic when the adults of the previous generation act the same way? Spending money that you can’t afford on an expensive all-you-can-dream-of-gadget-phone because you’ve lied to yourself so much that you believe that you really need it and then not putting a single penny in the offering plate at church because you ‘can’t afford it’ is no less selfish.

No you don’t ‘need’ that 60-inch plasma screen TV, no you don’t ‘need’ that brand new car while the old one still works, nor that touch screen tablet computer, nor that £120 pair of trainers that were probably made by small child slaves… did you know that there are kids starving in the world? In fact, did you know that there’s probably a homeless guy sleeping not that far from where you’re reading this right now? Did you know there’s probably someone sitting near you in church worrying about how they are going to afford the rent this Christmas? If only we were all capable of opening our eyes and looking further than our own interests.

I’m not saying this because I’ve got it all sorted. I’m just more aware of how much of a hypocrite I am. I’m aware that there is major problems with the way I live my life compared to the way I should be living it. And I get frustrated when I look around at all the ‘Christians’ in churches who don’t seem to be aware of the issues, who appear to be able to sleep soundly at night, apparently content with their input in God’s wonderful plan for the world. That’s nice for them. But I’d rather live in the truth, knowing the suffering and striving to do something about it, than to sleep soundly in ignorance my whole life.

I’ve asked not to receive presents this year. And apparently that annoys some people. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I am just trying to learn how to live with less stuff this year, and it’s hard to do that when I am receiving a pile of gifts at Christmas. If anyone reading this is really desperate to get me a gift this year, buy me a book. There are hundreds of books I am dying to read, to help me to understand God, love and life better. Check out my Amazon wishlist.

Anyway, back to the book: DNCIC:

• Give everyone the same thing. Choose one book that you love and buy everyone a copy.
• Instead of spending a fortune at the shops – let alone the time and hassle – make everyone a jar of marmalade, or pick some onions. This could all be done in one evening.
• Agree with your family and friends that you will all buy and receive one present with an agreed price limit.
• Buy everyone a present from charities such as Christian Aid or Oxfam and help the world in the process. Contact www.oxfam.org.uk or www.christianaid.org.uk. And there are lots of other charities that offer ways of giving presents that help others.

“Please note: Christmas has been cancelled this year. Apparently you told Santa you have been good this year. He died laughing.” Anonymous.

22

N.B. It's my birthday tomorrow, and try as I might, I haven't been the tiniest bit excited. In fact it seems that everyone else is more excited about it being my birthday than me. Perhaps it's because I remember my past birthdays, and am thinking this one won't live up to expectations. Perhaps I've learnt it's better not to have expectations.

So I'm not being very good at blogging this year. To be honest with you, I've lost the enthusiasm and the energy that I started out with. Emotions are not longer fuelled by reaction, but have sunken into (what feels like) an endless pit of acceptingness. This is just how life is now. I am not sure I'm happy with that, but then I'm not sure I'm happy at all. I know that life can be better, and yet no matter what happens, it never seems to be. I feel like I'm just existing. Just living, without truly knowing why. I am indifferent to darkness, death, loss, and upset... because my eyes have become adjusted to this darkness. What is this feeling? I don't know.

So as I said. Tomorrow is the end of March. Another month of 2011 been and gone. Wasn't this year supposed to be better than the last? It never happens does it. *sigh* 

It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know

I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating

Yeah, who am I?

[Let That Be Enough - Switchfoot]

Grounded

N.B. So, 2009 is almost at a close, and I realise that I really haven't blogged much this year at all. Its not that I don't want to keep those few readers up-to-date with what I've been doing, I'm just finding it a bit harder to articulate myself these days...

Reading back through the entries I made this time last year, I feel like I don't know that person. I guess I don't right now. I guess that's what this journey, this one I am suffering myself with, is really all about. To find out more about me, about why I am the way I am and how it came to be like that. Whether I can actually change it at all.

I guess, despite my constant admissions that I dislike change (oh, and I do) I cannot deny the fact that I myself am constantly changing. Or rather, I know it, and I don't. Life; the world; circumstances and events; have changed me from the person that God created into this. What sits behind your computer screen typing this blog. And I guess what I'm really scared about, what I fear greatest of all is, have I forgotten how to fly?

Do I jump, and hope that before I hit the ground I will remember, or greater still, that someone will catch me? Do I take that chance knowing that if I don't make it, I will crash and burn. Or do I stand still, and never even make that attempt to leave the ground, knowing that even though I'm not flying, I'll be forever grounded. What do I do? Do I stand on the beach and continue to watch the world around me fall to pieces, but all the while knowing that I am safely standing on the beach. Or do I jump into the waves and ride them, taking the highs with the lows? Is it really better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Is it better to believe, knowing that one day you could lose all that you believed in? Or live not believing, with the chance that one day you could be proved wrong? Is it okay to go through life being just okay? Or is life all about being totally miserable and totally happy?

I guess these are the things I am trying to figure out. And although I haven't got very far yet, I'm learning that the smaller things in life matter the most: no matter what the world says. Good night. x

Waiting

N.B. It is 2am and I have found myself online, even though I intended to go to bed nearly 3 hours ago. How is this?

I like to explore myself. Discover emotions and feelings that fester under the surface of who I am, and affect me daily. Some people may not even be aware of what they truly hide down in the depths of their soul, as they have never tried to look through the darkness to see down that far. I have fallen through that darkness, and have wandered about. It was an interesting journey that I had to take to avoid total destruction from the inside out.

But I know that there are still depths that I have not uncovered yet. Things that lay hidden in dust covered chests in the corners of my inner cellar. I know that the chance to explore those places is yet to come. I am, at present, sitting in a waiting room - waiting for my appointment. So far, I don't know which Doctor I will be seeing. I don't know how I am feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I lonely? Am I waiting anxiously for a time that will be safe to "de-stress"? All these things I ask myself as I sit here.

Amongst my waiting, I ask myself, How much do I control my up's and down's? The more I look inside myself and analyse my reactions and emotions to every situation, the more I feel like I am gaining control over every aspect of my being. And yet, maybe I do not control this rollercoaster. Maybe I am just a very experienced rider - aware of the signs and feelings that precede each up and down. Maybe I know how the chemicals in my body will make me feel the morning after this feeling, or this one.

Either way, I am aware of something stirring. Something below the surface. When it will emerge, and what it will bring with it, I do not know. I just wait. And hope that sometime soon, it will all become clear, and that when it does, I can deal with that part of myself.

Trains

N.B. So I haven't blogged in a few months, partly because I'm finding it pretty hard to co-ordinate my thoughts long enough to sit down and write, and partly because I just haven't been in the mood. My head's been pretty clogged and it's hard to try and rationalise blog kind of thoughts. Apologies to the random few who might actually read this.

I'm still finding it pretty difficult to write something that doesn't sound insane. If I could actually get far enough inside my head to watch the thoughts zooming around then I think I might actually laugh, because this is really getting ridiculous now. I bounce myself between desperately searching contentment and thinking life couldn't be better. I bounce between extreme jealousy to extreme indifference. I don't seem to know who I am, or how I feel - but sometimes, I really don't seem to care. I think that's the strangest thing.

I just spent the last weekend up at the Northumbria Community. I still haven't quite worked out what I gained from it, but I enjoyed the experience. Enjoyed the routine of prayer, food and sleep. In a job like mine, you don't get much routine. And actually, it can really ruin my day if something gets changed last minute. Which sounds completely stupid, right? 'Cause I work with teenagers and I should be completely used to plans that change last minute. But I can't, I really can't. No matter how much I try not to, I live for the things that I hope for, that I look forward to. Take the Philippines trip as an example. It ruined nearly 2 months of my life because it was delayed by a few months. And it's not even just big things like that. Little tiny changes that wouldn't even cause a normal person to blink, cause me overwhelming grief and disappointment. Minute detail changes completely throw me. I seriously can't cope with an uncertain schedule.

I also enjoyed the open countryside. The chance to get out and get back to basics with nature - the quiet bubbling of the stream, the rushing wind and the sounds of pigeons and cows in the night. Living on Victoria Ward, you don't get much of that. I liked being able to roam the fields and not worry about having to plan this meeting or this group or that bible study. I tasted freedom for a few days and it was sweet.

Of course, I also know that all this is pretty meaningless right now. It's just how I'm feeling after not being "at work" for 6 days, and being completely out of the loop in all things Avenue right now. I don't know what's going on or what I'm supposed to be doing and it's obviously freaking me out enough to be like this after a really nice day in London with Ryan.*sigh* There you go. That's me.

"I was trying to find me something,

but I wasn't sure quite what..."

Ryan Adams - 'Oh My Sweet Carolina'