Healer.

I was listening to this song the other day as I drove home from Essex, and it suddenly struck me: I may not have an illness like cancer or diabetes or epilepsy that needs healing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need God’s healing in my life as much as the next person. Whenever I have been at any service or event in recent years where there has been prayer for healing, I know that my thoughts and my brain start to wander and I switch off, because I think that it doesn’t apply to me. I sit back and allow ‘other people’ to ask God for healing; people who ‘need it more’.

But I need healing from my selfishness, and from my greed, from bitterness and anger, from past hurts I haven’t let go of and disappointments I haven’t accepted. I need healing from grudges I haven’t relented on and promises that have been broken. I need healing from feeling unworthy, from loneliness and from self-hatred. I need healing from the mental torture I put myself through every day. From feeling not good enough and from thinking that I’m useless. From unrealistic expectations for others and for myself. I need healing from my insatiable desire to be loved, from my fear of abandonment, from my tendency to push the people I love away.

Surely if God is capable of healing leprosy and blindness and paralysis then He can also heal me of all the things that are holding me back from living a life of freedom in Him? How oblivious I’ve been! Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes and helping me to see. May you pour your blessing and grace upon my life right now. 🙏

IN!

"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

See that little two letter word there - “IN.” You might not even have noticed it. Some Bible versions don’t have it. But I have always maintained that the ‘IN’ is the most important word in the whole verse. It creates faith that is more than on the surface, faith that can anchor itself through the harshest of storms. Because whatever situation I’m in, or have been in, I know that God; if it is His will; can change it. But I also know that it doesn’t mean He will. Trusting in God means we have to trust that He knows better than us, even when we might disagree.

In the past, I’ve certainly been the victim of people mis-quoting Bible verses at me, and I don’t even know why. Telling someone that the situation they’re in wouldn’t happen if they had more faith, or that God won’t allow them to suffer, doesn’t create a deep spirituality based on a foundation of God’s truth. It creates false faith that withers and dies when the going gets tough. It creates a faith that doesn’t understand and blames God when suffering occurs. I’m glad that I’ve learnt over the years that suffering doesn’t negate a loving God, because God’s heart breaks when one of His children’s does. So no matter what pain and hurt and heartache I experience in life, I can and will trust in a loving, faithful God, who will work IN all things, and through all things, for the good of my eternal soul.

Faith Pt 3

But what happens to your faith when you don’t see things change the way you’ve been praying for them to? What happens when life doesn’t get better in the time you expected it to, or maybe never gets better? Do you keep hoping, keep praying, keep trusting? What if you get to the end of your life, and things haven’t moved an inch? Do you have the faith to hold on? If you pray and pray and pray for God to heal someone, and they die anyway, do you have the foundation and strength to keep trusting? Or is your faith in God reliant on seeing miracles happen in your life and in the lives of those around you?

 Can you believe, can you trust, even when you feel like you have never received an answer to prayer? If we believe in a God that allows us to spend eternity with Him, why would we not expect there to be faithful people who do not see God moving this side of eternity? God has all of time to make up for what happens during your life on Earth. The question is - can you remain faithful and hopeful for a lifetime without seeing the fulfilment of His promises here, trusting that you will receive your answers, your mountains will be moved, and the sea will be parted - in heaven?

‘When You don't move the mountains

I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters

I wish I could walk through

When You don't give the answers

As I cry out to You I will trust,

I will trust, I will trust in You.’

Lauren Daigle

Truth.

This is a truth that I am fighting with at the moment. In all honesty, I think the hardest thing for people to understand about EUPD (or BPD as it is more commonly known) is that I “feel” every emotion on a deeper and more excruciating level than others might. Especially with regards to real or imagined abandonment. This means that at times, when I am not in a good place mentally, I will experience and overreact to the smallest thing, because my illness causes me to believe things are a certain way, when perhaps they’re not. (But I can’t see that.)

The trouble is being able to recognise when my reaction is BPD based, and not truth based. I’m not trying to be cryptic, an example might be, when in a friendship with someone, if they don’t text in the nature they normally do, or perhaps don’t reply to a text, I will astronomically overread into the situation, believing myself to have annoyed/angered them, and therefore berate myself for my own incompetence and stupidity when actually, perhaps they were texting in a rush or were preoccupied or some other reason I don’t think of at the time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that (sometimes) friendships can be really hard for those with BPD. And I guess it can be hard for the ones on the other side as well. When the darkness of mental illness closes in around someone, it can be difficult to know what to say or do for those who are suffering. Sometimes it can be really uncomfortable. So, I just want to say, it’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay if you don’t know what to do. But please, I’m begging you, please don’t let your discomfort or awkwardness stop you reaching out to someone. Just a text to say, I’m thinking of you. You’re not forgotten. Comment a 💜 or a *hug* on a post. Let them know you hear them. You see them. It doesn’t have to be big. They may not reply themselves. But sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest difference. In a time when mental illness is all over social media, don’t make things over complicated. A hug or a smile can shine a bright light into someone who can only see the darkness.

Thanks for listening folks. 🙂

Homeland

N.B. All of the following 3 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I have been thinking about the Philippines a lot recently. I mean, I think about it all the time, but I have been thinking deeply about it lots more than normal. I miss it so much that the core of my body actually aches some days. I look at photos to remind me of those precious memories – some that I have shared and some that I never will, but all of which I hold dear to my heart. Almost within the first few days of being there, the very first time, I felt as if I was finally at home. It is a hard feeling to describe to people, especially to people who feel that my home should be here in the UK, either with family or close friends. I do feel ‘at home’ in many places, but the feeling of my heart being filled with total peace and joy has only ever really occurred in the Philippines.

And as the season for sharing good times with loved ones is fully upon us, I can’t help but dream of the days that used to be… the days that could have been. I know, deep down, that my heart will never truly be settled in this country. And I’m not overly sure what I’m supposed to do about that. I have family and friends here. What a sacrifice I would be making, to move to the other side of the world. I cannot lie, and say that it has never crossed my mind. But I am hoping, in my heart of hearts, that if and when that time comes, God will help those I leave behind to be gracious, and understanding. I hope that he will give my life full purpose, so that I knew that I were not sacrificing in vain.

That’s all I’m going to say today. Lots to do, God bless everyone. x

“Another winter day has come and gone away,

In even Paris and Rome, and I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by a million people I

Still feel all alone, oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know”

[Michael Bublé – ‘Home’]

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·         What things bring you the greatest joy?

·         What moments in your life are so inexplicably wonderful that you cannot comprehend them without using the language of the soul, the heart, the spirit?

·         OK, so your heart is just a big muscle pumping your very necessary blood around your very mortal body; but it is also something else, something that cannot be defined or understood without another sort of language, that seems like an echo from another life.

·         Get out the mistletoe – who do you want to kiss?

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” Anne Frank

22

N.B. It's my birthday tomorrow, and try as I might, I haven't been the tiniest bit excited. In fact it seems that everyone else is more excited about it being my birthday than me. Perhaps it's because I remember my past birthdays, and am thinking this one won't live up to expectations. Perhaps I've learnt it's better not to have expectations.

So I'm not being very good at blogging this year. To be honest with you, I've lost the enthusiasm and the energy that I started out with. Emotions are not longer fuelled by reaction, but have sunken into (what feels like) an endless pit of acceptingness. This is just how life is now. I am not sure I'm happy with that, but then I'm not sure I'm happy at all. I know that life can be better, and yet no matter what happens, it never seems to be. I feel like I'm just existing. Just living, without truly knowing why. I am indifferent to darkness, death, loss, and upset... because my eyes have become adjusted to this darkness. What is this feeling? I don't know.

So as I said. Tomorrow is the end of March. Another month of 2011 been and gone. Wasn't this year supposed to be better than the last? It never happens does it. *sigh* 

It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know

I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating

Yeah, who am I?

[Let That Be Enough - Switchfoot]

Pedestals

N.B. Have you ever looked up to someone, and been let down by something they did? Or placed someone on a pedestal, and later watched them fall from it? Or maybe you've trusted someone, and then been lied to? Or believed in someone, only to have them give up on you? I have.

Afterwards, the process is much like grieving. There is denial - they wouldn't do that. It can't be true. Then there is anger - how dare they do that! What were they thinking? They're not going to get away with this. My anger faded into hurt, and feeling betrayed. Let down. Rejected. And do you know what happened after that? I saw God. It wasn't one of those vision, dream, appartition kind of ways. But I saw God in the situation. Felt his heart ache, his comfort, and his love. And perhaps learnt a bit about what Jesus meant for us when he told us to love our enemies.

I don't think I have ever had a real enemy. But what if our enemies aren't just the people seeking to destroy us, though they are hard to love too. What if maybe, our enemies are those people we envy? Or maybe they are the people we never accept? Maybe they are our ex-friends? Maybe they are the people who mildly annoy us. Maybe they are those we used to trust? Used to look up to. The people we once put on a pedestal, or those we used to believe in. What if we find it harder to love those people, because they abused our trust, let us down, got close to us, and later betrayed us? Maybe they are the Judas', or the Thomas'; or the Peters'? Maybe they are the people who let us down in our hour of need. Maybe they are the people who are supposed to love us, like our parents, or our siblings, or our children?

I don't know about you, but they are the people I struggle to love the most. Then again, maybe the are the ones who need our love most of all. I've heard it said: love is a dangerous game. And it's right. To love, is to risk being hurt. To open yourself up to rejection, betrayal and pain. But does that make the loving any less worth it? No.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is 'Yet' by Switchfoot. The bridge of the song goes like this:

"If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love,

No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough

Cause it's when you're breaking down

With your insides coming out

That's when you find out what your heart is made of."

If you've never trusted anyone and been lied to, or believed in someone and had them give up on you, or love someone and had your heart broken - have you loved enough?

Anger

 N.B. I do not want to turn this into a political blog, because quite frankly, I know squat about politics, but there is a large part of me that has recently gotten angry at the mess the world is in. Let me explain.

Over the last few weeks, thousands of school and university students have marched the streets around Parliament -  outraged that Nick Clegg is backing down from his pre-election promses. Apart from a minority of students (or maybe not) getting carried away and spoiling what was otherwise a peaceful protest, I would commend these students for getting passionate about something that affects them.

So often young people get accused of being violent, uncaring hooligans. But in my experience, and especially in my work with young people - if facilitated the right way, young people get angry about a whole load of injustice that generally passes older Christians by. To be young is often to be powerless to the oppression of the 'world of adults' that operates without (and often without thought of) you. But young people have such a strong sense of justice that they often are moved to action a lot sooner than others when they feel injustice has been done.

Many have preached; and will preach for many years to come; about the danger of anger. Many more have interpreted this to mean that anger is bad. I would say that anger - to get angry at something - is a good emotion. Anger promotes action. Anger discourages passive behaviour. Anger promotes change. Anger discourages the status quo. Anger, as an emotion in itself, is not bad - even though some may react to the reaction in a negative and sinful way. What I have been discovering is that God requires us to be good AND angry. This is something that I have been working through personally for many months, but I was reading a book someone gave me for Christmas last year, and found an excellent chapter all about this. (You can find the same book here.)

Paul Tripp does an excellent job in promoting the 'good and angry' position that he believes Christ is calling us to be in. Think about this. How often do we (by we, I mean the Church) get angry about the state of the world? If your answer is not in the present then maybe we are missing something. Recently, I have discovered the divine art of getting angry. God does not call us to put up with injustice, but to fight it. (And by fight, I mean with passion - not violence... Jesus/Gandhi style all the way.)

So maybe it is time for the church to get angry: To get angry about the suffering of the oppressed and the poor. To get angry about the children caught up in violence and abuse. To get angry at the lack of support for those seeking assylum. To get angry about the businesses that use slave and cheap labour to create chocolate, clothes, cars and iPods. To get angry about the children growing up without parents due to HIV. To get angry about the thousands of women and children sold into the sex trade every year. To get angry about the Sex Shop opening up near a school. To get angry at the drug dealers who target young and vulnerable people. To get angry about God's creation being desecrated to feed our consumerist culture. To get angry about the people who gossip about the church leaders. To get angry about the church leaders who do gossip about their church members. To get angry at those who stop at nothing to gain power, status and money.

But in our anger - let us not be moved to violence and sinful behaviour - but let us be motivated into doing something about these issues - whether that be a protest, boycott, or simply a change in our attitude to the way we approach things, and the way we treat others around us. And if you really think there is nothing in this world worth getting angry about - get your head out of the sand, and look around you. For where there is broken and hurting people, the Church needs to act.

Comfortable

N.B. I've been in the Philippines for just over a week now, and like a moth is drawn to the light, my brain continues to search for meanings for the thousands of questions that I am presented with every day.

Ever since I arrived here, I have been confronted with situation after situation of instances where most (Western) people would throw their towel in and say, "No, I'm not doing that. Life is not fair!" But here, there is no option for that. Life goes on, through storm, pain and disaster. Survival is key. I have no doubt there are people in the West like that also, but I fear that they may be fewer and further between. Not because the West is a particularly bad place, but because I believe life circumstances grow people, and fewer there know the real meaning of mere survival.

A few months ago; whilst on train going nowhere; I was listening to a Youthwork Podcast, and the guest Pip Wilson said something that has stuck with me ever since, and I would say has had a fairly major impact on some life decisions I have made in the last few months:

"Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable... God does not reside in comfortable."

Read that again. Each time I read that sentence it resonates on a deeper level. It is not (excuse the irony) a comortable sentence to read. And I guess in a way, this blog may read the same way to you. I do not apologise for that, because if there is one thing that I have learnt is that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. Then again, some people who read this may not even understand the meaning of it. Some may be indifferent. To me, it matters not. Growing up in the west, I have seen comfortable. I have lived comfortable. I have seen comfortable excelerate to levels beyond understanding and need. I have also seen more greed and selfishness than I care to share. And I am a participant in that... on many levels, and I am ashamed because I am not ignorant. There may be some (and I say some, because the media broadcasts it nearly every day of the week) who don't get the extent to which poverty levels sink in countries like the Philippines, (well, most of Asia/Africa/South America) but I fear that there are many more who simply don't care. Or maybe their understanding is jaded by their privileged western upbringing.

At this moment, the story of the woman who gave 2 pennies in the temple offering resonates with me. I may not have a lot (Westernly) of money to give, but I am no longer satisfied with just giving some. Time after time after time it says in the Bible that we must give our ALL to God. Trust that HE will provide. How true is that in my lifestyle right now? I am not sure it is. I know, from just one week here that there is more that needs to be done, and God yearns deeply for his people to stand up and DO something! How can we claim to Love God, and to want to do his will when we sit in our overly comfortable houses, relaxing, seeing to our own needs, while countless numbers of children, families, elderly, are living destitute, starving, ill, dying in our own country, as well as in other parts of the world? Do we love God enough to love them?

Nearly a year ago, when I started my Degree course, I asked God to help me to grow, and I believe He has some amazing plans to help me do that, put I don't think it involves sitting around watching TV. Praise God.

"Try kissing some scars.

Try walking in someone else's shoes.

Try making a mistake as a learning experience.

Try loving the unlovely.

Try a vision for others not self.

Try downward mobility instead of upwards.

Try a worse home.

Try a poorer community.

Try a battered and hopeless church.

Try disturbing your comfortable.

Try comforting your disturbed.

Try pain when comfortable.

Try comfort when in pain.

Try grit in your oyster.

Try loving yourself like you have never been hurt."

Freefall

Sitting on the train this morning I could think of nothing other than how fast my life seems to be moving these days. And, just like sitting on a train and waiting for the driver to stop at someplace vaguely near where you want to go, I feel like I have no control. I feel like the world is rushing past me, or rather: I am rushing through the world, with nothing but a vague idea where my destination will be. And I'm not even sure I want to go there.

There is so much good in my life, and I am blessed with many friends and family who love me very much (I hope.) And yet I think one thing that don't think I have ever had; and maybe I never will have; is a sound mind. The ability to just enjoy something. To just be, in a moment. I try my very hardest, and perhaps over the summer I was the closest to contentment I have ever been, but now that I am back here I can see the hazy boundary of happiness slipping further and further out of my grip. Maybe the biggest challenge I have this year will be learning to not have to be in control. Because lets face it, I have to be. Maybe thats my problem. My need to be in control restricts impulsivity - the ability to allow the moment to dictate emotion. That's my biggest fear, and yet my biggest release. To just cry, because in that moment, tears are needed. To get angry, to react, because a reaction is needed. Maybe I don't have to internalise everything and wait till later. Maybe the world is a safer place than I first thought.

Saying that, my emotions have been so up and down the last few weeks that perhaps this entire blog is unnecessary. Perhaps I am just suffering with post-Philippines syndrome and when this all calms down and normal life is resumed I will have mastered all that I am aiming towards. We shall see.

"You wanna be invisible
You wanna be alone
But it's Monday morning and the weekends a long way to go...
You're living in free fall
You're living in free fall
And you just don't understand why you never land
And you don't believe any more
In what you're doing this for
And you do not dare to dream;

When you're just a wheel turning
Somebody else's machine"

'Freefall' - Amy Wadge

Trains

N.B. So I haven't blogged in a few months, partly because I'm finding it pretty hard to co-ordinate my thoughts long enough to sit down and write, and partly because I just haven't been in the mood. My head's been pretty clogged and it's hard to try and rationalise blog kind of thoughts. Apologies to the random few who might actually read this.

I'm still finding it pretty difficult to write something that doesn't sound insane. If I could actually get far enough inside my head to watch the thoughts zooming around then I think I might actually laugh, because this is really getting ridiculous now. I bounce myself between desperately searching contentment and thinking life couldn't be better. I bounce between extreme jealousy to extreme indifference. I don't seem to know who I am, or how I feel - but sometimes, I really don't seem to care. I think that's the strangest thing.

I just spent the last weekend up at the Northumbria Community. I still haven't quite worked out what I gained from it, but I enjoyed the experience. Enjoyed the routine of prayer, food and sleep. In a job like mine, you don't get much routine. And actually, it can really ruin my day if something gets changed last minute. Which sounds completely stupid, right? 'Cause I work with teenagers and I should be completely used to plans that change last minute. But I can't, I really can't. No matter how much I try not to, I live for the things that I hope for, that I look forward to. Take the Philippines trip as an example. It ruined nearly 2 months of my life because it was delayed by a few months. And it's not even just big things like that. Little tiny changes that wouldn't even cause a normal person to blink, cause me overwhelming grief and disappointment. Minute detail changes completely throw me. I seriously can't cope with an uncertain schedule.

I also enjoyed the open countryside. The chance to get out and get back to basics with nature - the quiet bubbling of the stream, the rushing wind and the sounds of pigeons and cows in the night. Living on Victoria Ward, you don't get much of that. I liked being able to roam the fields and not worry about having to plan this meeting or this group or that bible study. I tasted freedom for a few days and it was sweet.

Of course, I also know that all this is pretty meaningless right now. It's just how I'm feeling after not being "at work" for 6 days, and being completely out of the loop in all things Avenue right now. I don't know what's going on or what I'm supposed to be doing and it's obviously freaking me out enough to be like this after a really nice day in London with Ryan.*sigh* There you go. That's me.

"I was trying to find me something,

but I wasn't sure quite what..."

Ryan Adams - 'Oh My Sweet Carolina'

Wondering

N.B. I was not at all well yesterday morning and ended up spending the majority of the day in bed. It's certainly no fun being ill when you ain't got a lovely Mummy to look after you, I'll say!

I have been wondering a lot lately. About a lot of things, not even one thing in particular. It's coming up to Christmas, and been thinking back on childhood memories and experiences of past Christmasses. It's nearly January, and a New Year, so been thinking about the things that 2008 brought to me, and the changes that have occurred in my life throughout the year. Its almost at that terrifying time of year when I have to decide what I want to do next year, or rather, what God wants and where I will end up. It's nearly 2009. What a scary thought!

Most of all though, I have been wondering an awful lot about how much I have changed over the last year and a half/ since I started life down here in Southend. So much has gone on, so much has moulded and guided and crushed me into this person I have become. And so far, I'm not overly sure how much I've been aware of it's going on. I know that people often tell me that I've grown loads in the last year, and yes, there are aspects of my life that I can visibly see the changes in me. But there are so many other things, little things, that I am aware have not-so-much changed, but have been allowed to mature and grow, because I have given them a chance to come out into the open: parts of my personality that are not hindered by shyness and lack of self-esteem and self-loathing. I have gained control, albeit loosely, on some of those negative emotions that threaten to overtake me, and so most of the time now, I am partly free of them, and they no longer dictate my every move.

I have learnt so much about God in my 16 months working for Him, not just knowledge and understanding of the Bible and it's truth and message, but also about God himself. His character and attitude towards me, and not in the least, the unexplainable, unimaginable magnitude of his love and faithfulness that are renewed to me every morning, because I worship and adore a loving, faithful God, who knows me intimately and holds me close to his heart.

I mentioned a few months ago that I was experiencing a real sense of 'travelling into the darkness' and I would not say that I have yet come out the other side. I know that there is so much more that God wants to "do with me" whilst I am vulnerable and allowing Him to do so. However, no matter how dark the night gets, I know the faithfulness of God's provision for me, and so I am contented with being here. I am fully aware that there are struggles I have yet to experience, because life is an ongoing journey, and I am still travelling it. But the moments of God's bright stars that break through the darkness are constant and powerful, and so I remain stengthened and rested in His presence. And despite the chaos and unpredicatableness of the things sometimes going on in my head, I strive to allow God to mould me, and to answer and comfort all the questions and fears that lie in the pit of that darkness.

So yes, I have been wondering a lot lately. Or should I say, wandering....

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Horatio G Spafford, 1873

Tears

N.B. [This is very closely tied in with my last entry, please read them both with an attitude of understanding.] I wish I could cry sometimes.

This was the passage that they shared as Robin’s favourite verse last Wednesday. I thought it appropriate to share it with you now.

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.

Because he bends down to listen,

I will pray as long as I have breath!

Death wrapped its ropes around me;

the terrors of the grave overtook me.

I saw only trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

“Please, Lord, save me!”

How kind the Lord is! How good he is!

So merciful, this God of ours!

The Lord protects those of childlike faith;

I was facing death, and he saved me.

Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.

He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears,

My feet from stumbling.

And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth!

I believed in you, so I said, “I am deeply troubled, Lord.”

In my anxiety I cried out to you, “These people are all liars!”

What can I offer the Lord for all he has done for me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.

I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die.

O Lord, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant,

Born into your household; you have freed me from my chains.

I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord.

I will fulfil my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people—

in the house of the Lord in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

I don’t know about you, but this passage really challenged me when I first read it through. Can we really commit to praising God when things are hard? Do we really say, “God is good!” when we feel only pain? I was planning a worship slot for Optimum-Weds when I came across this passage in a book a friend has only recently given me. I was trying to write a whole blog on this revelation that I have been experiencing firsthand in the last few weeks, but I thought that this section of the book actually speaks it a lot better than I could manage to:

"A while back I wrote a song called, ‘When The Tears Fall’. It was written at a time when life for me was hard. I’d taken a few knocks and suddenly my heart was filled with questions and doubt. One evening, feeling very low, I sat down and started pouring out my heart to God. The first line I sang out was, ‘I’ve had questions without answers. I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain.’ Immediately, I looked for a response. How do you follow a line like that? Well the answer is, look to Jesus. Everyone on this earth experiences pain, suffering, bereavement and illness. The only difference is that for those who believe that Jesus is Lord, we have a Saviour we can turn to and cling to.

“But there’s one thing that I’ll cling to;

you are faithful Jesus, you’re true.”

As I sang out of my pain and doubt, my soul found rest in Jesus. At first I concluded this was a personal song only for my own use. However, the more I pondered it, I began to realise that the sentiment and theme of this song was just as worshipful as any other; for there has to be a place for pain in the Church.

We need a bigger picture of what worship is. Questioning God doesn’t mean we are disobeying Him. Expressing doubt doesn’t mean we are lacking faith. In our everyday living, the people we’re most likely to share our deepest fears and questions with are those we most love and trust. It’s an intimate thing to be honest and raw with someone. It’s something that draws you closer to a friend. Expressing anger and pain in worship can actually be a beautiful, intimate thing. Dan Allender says,

"Lament cuts through insincerity, strips pretense, and reveals the raw nerve of trust that angrily approaches the throne and then kneels in awed, robust wonder...”

It’s easy to praise when everything is going according to plan. It’s more of a challenge when everything around us is falling to pieces. It takes great faith to say, ‘You are Good’ when life is incredibly hard. But God is good and forever worthy of our praise. This is not dependant on our feelings. Day and night, always the same, God deserves our highest praise.

We will find great comfort and healing in the Church by allowing space to be honest and real about how we really feel. To allow questions and doubts to rise, but in that place, to respond to God by worshipping His holy name"

"I will praise you, I will praise you
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you.
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering, still I will sing."

[Quote taken from "Inside Out Worship; by Matt Redman and Friends]

Flying

N.B. I've had a really rewarding week, although, struggling through it, I don't think I realised it so much at the time. There have been so many times when I have felt, what? What are you doing God? But I guess that is the art of reflecting back on what God's been doing. You can appreciate the small things that you didn't realise were going on at the time. I guess that's all I ever do on this blog really. Hope you don't mind. :)

A really close friend of mine, wrote this on his blog recently:

"The thing about flying is you have to jump off the ledge. In order to glide upwards on the currents and eddies you must hurl yourself headlong into the abyss and believe that underneath are the everlasting arms.

A mother eagle does not teach her chicks to fly bit by bit. She simply kicks them out of the nest. Often God is more gentle with us, but often He wants us to do our bit of the growing too."

When I read that, I was blown away by how much it was speaking into my life, and teaching me a lesson that I now realise God really wanted me to learn. To jump off the edge occasionally, instead of constantly being shoved, kicking and screaming the whole way. Recently, I had a few deep conversations with people in which I have expressed my concern for returning to the "abyss" from which I have come, (not my words.) It's something me and God have been fighting over for a good month or so now, and so far I had been resisting, petrified and unsure of what would result. But when I read Matt's blog in the light of the conversation I had had, I realised that this was something God was really serious about me doing. It was time to hurl myself headlong into it, as Matt puts it, and just trust that God wouldn't let me fall too far. Rather, He would uphold me and sustain me at the right point, until the time was right.

So that's what I've been doing, and ya know, its not too bad down here. A tad lonely at times, but I guess that's no more so than normal. And I'm learning, from the darkness. And I'm appreciating the small snippets of light that shine through to me. And although I don't fully understand why I'm here, and how long this will last, I am trying to make the most of it. Life was never supposed to be easy. So I have no complaints, Praise God.

East

N.B. This has been a strange kind of week for me, and probably for a good few around me. But the more I reflect back on it, the more I appreciate the need for the world to hear about Jesus, and to know his love and acceptance for themselves. To experience it in all its fullness and truth, to live it in my words and actions, to "love it out" in the everyday people that I meet. So much of the time recently, I have been experiencing for myself a personal darkness. But in that, I am learning to appreciate the magnificence of the dawn, and the hope that Jesus brings of salvation. I learn to stand by my friends, and to be sensitive and tolerant towards them in their pain, and to put my troubles in perspective with theirs. And maybe most importantly, I learn to look up when I need to be looking up, and trust whole-heartedly in the God who has my best interests at heart.

This is a quote that is painted on the roof of the counselling hut in my old senior school. I always thought it had beautiful words, but maybe never realised how much so until now.

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year

'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'

And he replied,

'Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God

That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'

So I went forth and finding the Hand of God

Trod gladly into the night

He led me towards the hills

And the breaking of day in the lone east.

So heart be still!

What need our human life to know

If God hath comprehension?

In all the dizzy strife of things

Both high and low,

God hideth his intention."

Minnie Louise Harkins 1875-1957

Diagnosis

N.B. Could you walk into my head and take away all my secret thoughts? I really wish you could, then maybe I wouldn't have to think them anymore.

This last week has been weird, so say the least. I can't really describe how my mood has swung and twisted into a million different personas, but those of you who have spent time with me this week might have noticed it. It's actually really getting to me that I have these thoughts still. These worries and insecurities in my head that I thought I had banished to the nether worlds.

*sigh*. I bought this book aaages ago, because I was interested in the subject, (which I won't reveal.) I never actually ended up reading it, but whilst sorting through all my stuff to pack up this evening, I picked up this book and read the first chapter. And every sentence seems to describe how I've been feeling these last few months. Some parts describe me at aged 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. It is me, in this book. Everything it says rings true in my life. It's actually really scared me. I don't know how I would go about fixing this. But one thing I am sure of... I need help.

"Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what I wanted - to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself."

From 'A Long Day's Journey Into Night' by Eugene O'Neill

Control

N.B. At Momentum I was reading this book, and as I read this part (below) I felt like it explained what I think was going on in my last blog, and what will, (I have no doubt) be happening over the next few months as God heals whatever I have inside me.

"The Lord knew it was going to be hard for me to change into the person he wanted me to be, because I was so used to living the total opposite. He had a lot of hell to squeeze out of me, and believe me - when the hell leaves you, sometimes it screams at God on the way out. And when the pain from your past leaves you, sometimes you have to feel it again on the way out."

'Save Me From Myself' - Brian Welch

If this knot in my stomach disperses, I fear I may throw up. I can feel the churning clock of time wrenching and searching, confusing my gut reaction with complete meltdown. I don't understand what's going on inside me, and my greatest fear is that no-one else does either. But how could they, being neither me nor God? I long for one person, just one persont o explain to me the torments and fears inside my head. I barely slept last night, sleep interspersed with nightmares and dreams, that shook me awake. What is happening to me God? Am I losing my mind?

I feel like I can think rational thoughts, but then my mind wanders to behaviours I daren't go back to. Is this where you want me to go? Are you taking me back there for a reason? Do you really think I am at last strong enough to deal with the pain? Or are you not yet convinced I am able to move on? I fear going back there would pierce old wounds and leave me bleeding. I fear going back there would awaken old emotions that were too strong for me to cope with before. If God is calling me back, sending me back, then I fear I have no choice, or rather, I fear greatest, I have no control.

Calling

N.B. Yesterday was a good good day, for so many reasons. =)

So I attempted to fast yesterday in order to spend some time in prayer about next year, but I also wanted it to be a secret, but it ended up not that way, so I broke it. I want to make the decision pretty soon about next year as I don't want to have it hanging over my head for ages. I've been in two minds about it all along, wanting to stay here, where I am feeling accepted, loved and comfortable, and yet desperately wanting to know that I am doing what God wants me to do. Because of this, I was going round and round in circles in my head about what I should do. But then this week has made me realise that I have been looking at it all wrong.

For some reason, I got it into my head that maybe Southend was NOT where God wanted me next year, and so even though there was loads of signs that suggested Southend is the best place for me to be, I was constantly looking for signs that I should be somewhere else. And attempting to get to a place in my head where I was able to emotionally prepare myself to potentially leave this place. And all the little hints that I should stay here I brushed aside, putting them down to my longing to stay. But then after a fair few chats with a few fairly wise friends of mine, I realised that actually, I had completely been thinking about it the wrong way.

If Southend is where I am right now, then thats where God wants me to be. And when He wants me somewhere else, He'll make it quite clear where that is. And until then, there is plenty of work to be done here. There have been loads of things that have made me want to stay, and that is a good thing. Because those things enable me to do my job the best I can. And God wants the best for me. So if I am truly happy here, then this must be what God wants for me... oh, I hope so.

"I know what I'm doing.

I have it all planned out;

plans to take care of you, not abandon you,

plans to give you the future you hope for."

Jeremiah 29:11 [The Message]

------------------------ UPDATE ------------------------

After writing this I went to bed and did my evening devotion, and in the back of my bible was a prayer that we were given by good ol' Stevey T at the church weekend about 2 years ago. It's been in my bible all along, but last night was the first time I read it and really thought about what it said:

My LORD God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

THOMAS MERTON (1915 - 1968)

Keys

N.B. Coming back from Training Week there is a lot of stuff in my head that I am trying to organise, this is a mild attempt to get some of it written down.

So, it the New Year. A year of new beginnings, new starts? And yet, when so much from the past has influenced and changed us, we hang on to it. Old friends, old loves, old struggles, old mistakes. There are plenty of things from the last few years of my life that I am still holding on to. And maybe I didn't even realise how much, until now.

On the Thursday night of Training Week the 2nd Years ran the evening worship session. They are always really good, and it is good for us "Firsties" to learn from those who have been through and struggled with things that we are all coping with now. They are a great sense of support and leadership for us, definately for me.

Jo is really shy normally, and yet she got up the front and did a talk on 'jumping into empty swimming pools for God' (it does make sense...) Her talk was good. But what made the most impact on me was that Jo was saying it. Jo, who never (voluntarily) takes an 'up-front' role. But she did it anyway, and said some really good things to us about how we must trust in God to fill the pool with water. And it made me think that maybe I really could do an assembly after all...

After the worship, I sat at the front and was thinking through things. Kat came up and prayed with me, speaking specifically that God wanted me to have peace. Afterwards said to me that God had showed her this image of keys, and that I was holding on to them, and God just wanted me to loosen my grip a bit. The keys to the past or the keys to freedom, and inner peace? I don't know. But either way, God was telling me to let go, and really trust that He had my future in His hands. Trust that God lives in this very moment with me.

N.B.2.

As I was writing this out in my bedroom at Niki + Paul's, I looked up at my bedroom wall, and hanging up there is a photo frame, with these words inside:

"I was regretting the past and fearing the future, and suddenly my Lord was speaking, "My Name Is: 'I AM.' He paused, and I waited. He continued:

When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regreats, it is hard: I am not there. My name is not: 'I WAS'.

When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard: I am not there. My name is not 'I WILL BE'.

When you live in this moment it is not hard: I am here.

My Name Is: 'I AM'"

We must live in each moment, in which we will experience God. He IS in the world around us, if only we were to look closer. In every smile and every tear. His voice is like thunder, like laughter, like rain drops. It is the NOW we must change, in order to change at all.