Loneliness/Being Alone

I’ve talked about this before, but on days like this, where the only person I spoke to face-to-face was through a fence, I realise how isolating living alone can be. I’ve lived alone before. (And lived with people that I barely saw day-to-day.) But in Essex, it was different. I was on home-turf. Living in your home town, with those friends you’ve grown up with, whose parents know you and practically treat you like one of their own, where you can drop by their place any time of day and they’d welcome you in and tell you to help yourself to a drink. They understand you and your family. They get the weirdness and uniqueness and the quirkiness of you, and accept it without question. Those streets where even the benches have memories attached to them.

But the world is bigger than that, and as much as I miss it and miss my friends, I’m glad that I listened to God’s quiet whisper and ventured out into the wider world. Nowadays, I eat 90% of my meals sitting in bed watching a DVD. I can go a full 24 hours without seeing or speaking to another human being. Most of my in-depth and meaningful conversations happen via social media and text. And most nights I sneak away to a pretty place to watch the sunset/city lights on my own. When you see it written down, you might think that I lead a pretty lonely life. And in some aspects, that’s true. But in others... I’ve never been more free in all my life. No regrets.

Choosing Me.

Last week I made a decision to walk away when I could have kept trying. I chose to put myself first where I could have allowed my own feelings and hurts to sink beneath the surface in order to spare the other person. I chose to stand by the way I felt rather than apologise for it. I chose to put myself first, when usually I would have done the complete opposite.

And that could have left me feeling guilty and selfish. But this time I knew I needed to do it. I needed to take the advice that everyone has been giving me since the day I left hospital. I needed to prioritise my own recovery - even if it went against every belief and instinct in my body. And maybe that meant I wasn’t there for others when I would normally have been. But this week, where sleep and alone time have been largely the norm, my body thanked me for it. And I can’t apologise for that. I can’t apologise for being who I am. For saying the truth and choosing to put my own mental health and emotional wellbeing above everyone else’s for once. I’m sorry if you got hurt. I’m sorry if you didn’t like what I had to say. But I’m not going to apologise for being me. I’m not going to apologise for choosing myself for once. Because I never do. 

Anyone who knows me well knows that about me. They’ve been telling me to do it for months. But I’ve always put others needs and wants ahead of my own; because I believed it was the right thing to do. But now I’m tired; no, I’m exhausted. I’ve been sleeping 12-14 hours a day this week. And I still feel like I need to sleep more. I’ve had no energy. And I’ve cried; oh how I’ve cried. And mostly, I’ve been alone. But that’s okay. It’s okay because it’s what I needed to feel and what I’ve needed to be. And for the first time in a long time, I’ve actually felt free - free to do what I needed to do to aid my recovery. Because I’ve not felt responsible for anyone else’s. It’s not my job to keep anyone else going. I’m no longer obliged to bury my own hurt and my own wishes for the sake of other people. 

So that’s how it is. I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt. But I can’t apologise for doing what I needed to do to get through another week. I hit breaking point and I needed out. I needed time. I needed to walk this part of the journey alone. And I needed to learn the hard lesson, that the only person that can be responsible for your life - is you. I can’t be responsible for yours and you can’t be responsible for mine.

Bad Day.

It’s one of those days. One where the perks of being a borderline are felt deep and raw, heartbreaking and uncontrollable. Attachment issues. Fear of abandonment. Anxiety. Distorted self-worth and identity. These things, amongst BPD friends we laugh at them. We wind each other up about it. We might even make a few jokes that cut just a little too far beneath the surface. But when they rear their heads, in days like today, there is nothing to laugh about. There is just crawling into a ball and refusing to eat, drink or move. There is crying and more crying. Isolation and despair. There is fear and there is deep pain.

In the last 48 hours, I have lost two of my professional support team. Both my support worker at Saltbrook and now my CCO have gone. New jobs, new lives and opportunities: for them. And for me, a hurt I can’t express. A wound that will take me many many years and counselling sessions to unpack. I don’t do goodbyes. I can’t deal with people walking out of my life.

Ironically, as an INFJ, if you let me down consistently I will eventually do an INFJ door slam on you. I will cut toxic people out of my life regularly. And I know that I push you away, cause it’s all part of the chronic controversy that is Borderline Personality. But if you’re a friend, a help, someone I can talk to and rely on; someone I love and care about: Please don’t leave me. Please stick around long enough to see me fight this horrible illness. I’m really trying. Today is just not a good day.

Healer.

I was listening to this song the other day as I drove home from Essex, and it suddenly struck me: I may not have an illness like cancer or diabetes or epilepsy that needs healing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need God’s healing in my life as much as the next person. Whenever I have been at any service or event in recent years where there has been prayer for healing, I know that my thoughts and my brain start to wander and I switch off, because I think that it doesn’t apply to me. I sit back and allow ‘other people’ to ask God for healing; people who ‘need it more’.

But I need healing from my selfishness, and from my greed, from bitterness and anger, from past hurts I haven’t let go of and disappointments I haven’t accepted. I need healing from grudges I haven’t relented on and promises that have been broken. I need healing from feeling unworthy, from loneliness and from self-hatred. I need healing from the mental torture I put myself through every day. From feeling not good enough and from thinking that I’m useless. From unrealistic expectations for others and for myself. I need healing from my insatiable desire to be loved, from my fear of abandonment, from my tendency to push the people I love away.

Surely if God is capable of healing leprosy and blindness and paralysis then He can also heal me of all the things that are holding me back from living a life of freedom in Him? How oblivious I’ve been! Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes and helping me to see. May you pour your blessing and grace upon my life right now. 🙏

Honesty.

Honesty. How much is too much? I’ve been thinking about this so much recently, because often when I’m in a bad place, people will ask me a question and want me to “be honest with them” about how I’m feeling, but it doesn’t always end up being the best thing for me. So I hold back the whole truth, and I give a generic overview; the tip of the iceberg, if you will. Not sure if it’s my BPD, INJF-ness or my autistic traits but I just really struggle with generic questions like, ‘how are you?’. My brain won’t compute an answer in the socially accepted time-frame within which to answer so I say, “fine” or “yeah I’m okay.” If you want to know something direct you’re much better off asking me a direct question.

It’s certainly no secret that since getting out of hospital I have been really struggling, wishing things could be different, wishing I could somehow understand the mess my head is in. I cry at the smallest things. I cry at the big things. I feel alone and yet I’m surrounded. I feel overwhelmed and empty and every day I just hope and pray that something might suddenly just click into place; that I might begin to feel a little bit more normal.

I know I need to give myself time, to rest and recover, to give therapy a chance, to hold on to hope and love and peace that might one day drop back into my life. But it’s hard. It’s so hard.

So I just wanted to say thank you. So many of you have encouraged me and been praying for me and have been ever so patient when I just haven’t been able to do the things I normally would have. Maybe you were one of those people who asked how I was and didn’t feel like you got the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I’m sorry.

And I’m so thankful for this Insta feed. Morgan Harper Nichols posts speak so loudly to me. I read them all the time to remind myself to let grace abound and to let myself breathe. To trust that the light will break through the darkness and grace pours in day after day. Because honesty, though it might not be perfect, it is a beautiful thing.

Faith Pt 1

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that there are some situations that can’t be changed. Moments that once missed, are gone forever. Events that will play out no matter how much you try to avoid them. Conversations that once had, can never be forgotten. And no amount of wishing and hoping can change it. Time is fleeting.

Opportunities are as permanent as the clouds in the sky. The sun rises and the sun sets, and life goes on. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many emotions and situations I wish I could leave behind.

At the start of this week, I was so eager to hear the gentle whisper of God’s voice. Maybe He would speak into my soul and remind me of my unique place in His creation. Perhaps He might remind my inner being how much He loved me. Maybe He would heal me or release me of the immense pain I feel inside. Or fill me with supernatural peace and calm that comes only from above. It didn’t happen.

So now, as this week begins to stumble into the past, I am feeling rather disappointed. The opportunities have passed, I will never live this week again. What’s done is done. I have no idea how to feel, or even to describe the darkness that eats at my core. Everything happens for a reason, though right? Or maybe everything just happens, and we try, in our humanness, to find meaning in it. A year ago, everything was so different. A year ago, I was so different. So I guess, all things considered, no matter how fleeting time is, its effect is seen, felt, and experienced, in the moments like this.

React.

I wonder how you react to bad news. Are you someone who immediately worries about others, or how you will be affected, or the sadness of the situation? Maybe you are quick to empathise, or quick to try to solve?

Me? I tend to internalise everything I hear. I often need a while to process news before I can begin to unpack how I really feel about it. It’s like I have an internal carousel, and every time something happens the news jumps on the carousel, except I have no idea when it’s going to get off again. And while it’s going round and round in my head, I make assumptions about the world and the people in it. So certain things will set off an internal chain-reaction that make me appear to over-react to something others think is insignificant. It’s a massive part of my illness and it’s only recently that I’ve realised how much I do it.

So, I have to apologise if in the past I’ve over-reacted (or under-reacted) to some news. Perhaps I wasn’t quite ready to process. Perhaps I was over-processing something that spilled out when I heard what you were saying. Perhaps there were just too many things on the carousel, and lots got off at the same time. I’m sorry. There is so much going on inside my head that you will never see. I hope you can be patient with me.

Choice.

I made a choice yesterday to take some practical steps towards recovery. It wasn’t easy - it had been a long and stressful day and my mind was working on overload. But I knew that I had to take control. I had to choose well-being in the midst of agonising anxiety and uncertainty. Because I didn’t choose to get ill. I didn’t choose to experience some of the things that I have had to experience. And I know that a lot of my friends who also suffer with mental illness have also been through horrible situations that were neither their choosing nor their fault.

But today, this moment, we have a choice. Some choose to let anxiety and worry and pain take over. And there is no shame in that. Sometimes you feel like you don’t have the strength to fight against it. But if you can, if you can find within yourself the strength to choose life over death, joy over pain, hope over despair, then you can make it. Choose to take steps, however small, walking or perhaps even crawling, on that road of recovery. You do not walk that road alone. There is hope ahead, my friend. Be kind to yourself. Believe that no matter what you’ve been through, it is not your fault and you can choose to get well again. We’ve got this. 💚

Not Giving Up.

Being totally honest:

Life is hard right now.

Having a mental illness is hard.

Making decisions is hard.

Dealing with difficult situations is hard.

Supporting friends and loving them right is hard.

Not having the time or energy to see my beloved family is hard.

Not having a job or the ability to do a job is hard.

Not having enough money in the bank or food in the cupboards is hard.

Waiting for therapy and dreading it at the same time is hard.

Not getting enough sleep at night and being too tired each day is hard.

Knowing people who were once my friend but now don’t know how to talk to me is hard.

Missing out on events because I just can’t face being there is hard.

Wanting to do things, then freaking out last minute and staying in bed is hard.

Dealing with my emotions and thoughts and feelings and anxieties is hard.

Knowing there are very few people who understand how I feel right now is hard.

That’s the truth. But you know what? This time, I’m not gonna give up. I’m not going to become a statistic of mental illness. Cause you know what? It might be hard but I’m strong. And my God is stronger. So no matter how hard life gets, or how much I struggle, I may not be standing but I will lay face down on the Rock that never breaks or falters. And one day, I will stand.

Name

N.B. I know it's always been a while since my last post but I had some good excuses this time. I'll try and fill in my Philippines blogs when I find where I've written them....

Just before Christmas I made the decision to move out of the flat I'd been staying in for the last three and a half years. It wasn't a decision that was made lightly, but I without a job or a steady/decent income, it was just too expensive to stay. So I put my life in boxes, and in the week in between Christmas and New Year, transported it to various lofts, garages, and my Mum's lounge. I then said goodbye to the town that had been my life and my home for five years, and headed back to where it all began: Brentwood. Although I love my family, moving back in with Mum (minus all my stuff) and not being independent has been a bit of an identity shock. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, and it has taken me almost a month to get used to the way things work. I'm so used to having my own space, and doing everything for myself, and now I don't really get that. I feel out of place.

Since finishing my job as a youth worker at the end of August, I've also been 'out of work' although I spent 2 of those months in the Philippines, being a 'big sister' to lots of gorgeous children; at no point was I 'doing' youth work. And back in my home town and at my home church, where people have known me since the tender age of 5, I'm just Ami, who has been missing for five years and who happens to be a qualified youth worker. People have asked for my opinion, but I'm not in charge of anything, and none of the kids/young people really know me so far. And actually, none of the adults really know me very well either. They don't know what I stand for, what I'm good at, what I'm passionate about, what I'm capable of.

At Housegroup the other week, we were discussing the Nooma DVD 'Name', and in church, one of the sermons was talking all about how our identity mustn't be found in what we do, or our service becomes a self-service rather than to benefit God's kingdom, and ultimately, is damaging to ourselves and others. Although I would never normally admit it openly, it really hit home to me how much of my identity is caught up in what I do, and what I perceive to be my 'service' to God, might actually be a lot more about allowing me to find myself rather than to help others. I don't consciously serve others to help myself, I like helping others, and am happy to do so, but perhaps over the years, I have gotten so used to doing things that now that I'm not, I feel lost... As if I have no place in God's kingdom.

I do have this desire to please people. I cannot cope with people being upset with me, and often go out of my way to ensure that whatever hurt I think I have caused is atoned for... even if there wasn't any. The thought that someone is holding a grudge against me really gets to me, and so a lot of the time I will try extra hard to get people to like me by doing things, helpful things, so that people won't think of me as lazy or unwilling to help others. Sometimes I am conscious of this decision, and other times I have volunteered to do something before I am even aware of it myself. I have a real problem with saying no, often because I feel I have no good reason to say no. Other people have kids or partners or families to take care of, and I don't, so why don't I help? The idea of saying 'no' to someone just because I have something better I'd rather be doing doesn't sit too well with me.

So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not quite sure who I am. And I wanted to record that in my blogs, so that people who think of me as having everything sorted and always being strong can know the truth. I'm just as confused and unsure of myself as you. Perhaps I'm just better at hiding it.

Talaga?

Is the church really the church if it builds walls instead of tearing them down; if it builds church halls instead of houses for the poor?

Is the church really without walls if it refuses to support activities that are not on the 'premises', and is it really a family if it doesn't support the struggling congregation down the road?

Is the church really standing and supporting the broken if it writes policies to keep them out?

Is the church really placing children and young people at the centre if it disregards their needs and ignores their presence?

Is the church really walking in the light if it does everything on its own terms rather than Gods?

Is the church really one of truth if it remains blind to the lies presented to them?

Is the church really living the Great Commission if it worships by singing songs but doesn't action the words in their life; is it really worship at all?

Is the church really loving thy neighbour if it prays for itself but not for persecuted brothers and sisters across the world?

Is the church really understanding true religion if it shuns the homeless but glorified the rich; if it spends hours decorating its building and then leaves them to sleep outside in the snow?

Is the church really practising good stewardship if it spends more money on lighting, heating and equipment each year than it does feeding orphans?

Is the church really local if people drive for miles to their favourite 'church'? Is it really global if some congregations are mega-rich whilst others are struggling to feed their families?

Is the church really understanding forgiveness if it banishes leaders and members for their mistakes? If it views some sinners as worse than others?

Is the church really growing spiritually if leaders are 'nice' rather than risk-taking, adventurous, outcast-friendly rebels?

Is the church reading the right Bible if its response to the Gospel message is only to have a cup of tea?

Is the church really going anywhere if on a Sunday most of the congregation are engaging in traditionalism rather than spiritual disciplines? If members are like a man who looks in a mirror and then forgets what he looks like?

Is the church really going to survive if it ignores the heart-felt longings of the young to satisfy the wants of the old? Is it really prepared to become like little children to understand the Kingdom of Heaven?

These are just some questions I have been pondering over, to continue with my personal questioning over whether what many of us call 'church' is really Gods answer to the problems in this world.

Ekklesia

Church. What's the first thing you think of? Boring, old-fashioned, big ugly building, weird Christian people who don't have any fun? Or perhaps you have more optimistic thoughts... Nice. Organic. Friendly. But even with these latter thoughts, where does our idea of church even come from? Why is it that we sit in rows and sing songs and read liturgy and baptise people by 'full-immersion'? Does our current idea of 'church' actually fit in with what the Bible tells us, or have we gone astray?

Perhaps the answer lies in it's meaning. In the original Greek texts of the New Testament, the word 'ekklesia' is what is substituted in English versions of the Bible for 'church'. But in ancient Greek, 'church' was 'kuriakos', meaning, 'of the Lord'. Therefore, when the original translators chose to substitute 'ekklesia' for 'church', there was a shift from the 'called-out ones' of 'ekklesia' to the 'of the Lord' people of 'kuriakos'.

Be that as it may, in name or meaning, what signifies that 21st Century churches deserve the reputation  of 'ekklesia' that is used to describe the disciples over 115 times in the NT? Paul and Silas had a reputation. They were 'trouble-makers' all over the known world (Acts 17:6). But what were they doing that had caused such uproar? Perhaps they were telling people to go to church, or to support the local Minister, or to be nice to their neighbours? No.

Paul and Silas were declaring that there was another king: Jesus. A king bigger than Caesar, a King that was building his Kingdom, a king that was at war! Paul and Silas were not advocating for churches, they were building God's Kingdom. And being part of God's kingdom means over-throwing all the other kings in the minds of the people and alienating them from the mental hold of the things that ruled their lives. They were calling people out of their differences to surrender their hearts and lives to the Kingdom where all who heard and believed would join as one community.

So where does this modern idea of 'church' come from? In effect, (without boring you with a very long lecture on church history) it grew, influenced by culture, from the moment Constantine legalised Christian worship in 313AD, until around 1950... (when it just got stuck.) Churches reflected the culture around them, strict, formal, controlled. No longer where Christian's the ones 'called-out' to follow Jesus, they were the ones that 'ventured out' on a Sunday morning. For many, faith bore no resemblance nor significance to everyday life.

Fortunately though, this was not true for everyone. There are many amazing men and women of God in British history that lived the message they heard and believed. At one time -  the church was at the forefront in societal change - providing hospitals, schools, food, shelter, clothing, care and love. It took the governmental institutions decades to catch up with what our forefather's were doing. But now? Many churches reject homosexuals whereas society has been accepting for years. Many churches reject divorcees though society has deemed it acceptable. Many churches demoralise women though they won 'equality' in society nearly 100 years ago. When did the Church stop leading the way in love, acceptance, grace and humility?

Have we become so scared that our values will be undermined by society that we have locked ourselves away in our brick buildings to sing our songs and say our prayers before creeping back into the world to join the crowd? Why are we afraid to stand for what we say we believe? Is God not big enough? Is Jesus' message not radical enough? Church should be about more than going out on a Sunday morning to sit in an uncomfortable pew in a building that is normally too cold or too hot, standing occasionally to sing a few songs half-heartedly, and listen to someone talk for half an hour before saying a few heartless prayers, stand around drinking average coffee and making awkward conversation and then go home, unchanged. 

Even if the preacher is particularly good, or the worship particularly pleasing, how long before you're back to your life, living the same way as always, buying non-fairtrade foods, unethical clothing, moaning about the bills and how expensive holidays are, fobbing off charity workers in the high street because you 'can't afford' to give, and yet had pre-ordered the latest child-laboured Apple product and enjoy the luxury of hot meals, new clothes, couple of holidays a year and Sky TV. Isn't anyone else fed up of the hypocrisy? We watch Man VS Food and we laugh, because it's funny to watch a man trying to eat ridiculous sized portions of food in an hour. But the deep sadness is that 21, 000 children died today because of starvation, unclean water and easily preventable diseases.

So I ask you this: If the 'ekklesia' of the 21st century are satisfied with being 'church', then what is the point?

Unemployment

(Or why I am not looking for another 'Youth Work' job.)

N.B. I apologise to any followers out there that 2012 has been rather quiet on the blog front. I had a Dissertation to write...

So the end of my full time Youth Ministry job came and went. Was I sad? Yes. I've poured five years of my life into that place and I'm ain't 'alf going to miss all of the beautiful children and young people that I had the privilege to journey alongside. But am I excited? Yes. God has a plan for my life, and I am finally free to "do" ministry the way I have felt God calling me to do ministry over the last few years. My time is free to help those in need, not just those who are 'my responsibility'. In just over two weeks time I am off to the Philippines... a place very close to my heart, and somewhere I have missed over the last two years. I shall spend 9 weeks there, revisiting old friends, helping in projects and being helped a thousand times over. I shall laugh, cry and sit with my Filipino brothers and sisters, listening to their stories and telling them mine. It is going to be amazing.

When I return, I am looking for a run-of-the-mill, boring, job. One that I can go home from. One that gives me enough money to get through the days, and perhaps save a little too. Something with little responsibility. Now, quite a few people (including the lady from the Job Centre and my Mum) think that I am being a complete idiot for not looking for a Youth Work job as I have just graduated with a BA (Hons) Degree in Youth and Community Ministry. However, there are four main reasons for this decision:

1) I have spent the last five years of my life as a FULL time Youth Minister.. whilst studying for a degree. That not only left very little time for a social life, but also has driven me slightly crazy. As a 23-year-old, I need to have a job, at least for a while, that allows me time to be myself, time to spend with my boyfriend, and time to do things that I want to do, like join a sports team, meet up with friends, see my family more. etc.

2) Being a FT Youth Minister carries a lot of responsibilities and pressure, things that don't really go away when you go home of an evening. I feel that I may have missed out on some normal 18-23year old growing up experiences (like learning to drive) and I would like a chance to do those before I gain any more responsibility.

3) I have come to realise that 'doing' youth work is not about your job. I have a passion for young people, and to be paid to spend time with them and guide them and befriend them feels a bit wrong. So whilst I figure the whole lifestyle/vocation thing out, I have chosen to step away from being employed as a youth worker. I will always be a 'youth worker' at heart... I'm just not sure I want it to be my job. I love young people. And I don't have to have a title to do that.

4) For the last few months I have felt God calling me to my life-purpose. Opening some kind of safe-house/orphanage in the Philippines. This requires a lot of research, patience and prayer, as I don't yet know the exact timings of when this will come to pass. I'm trusting God on that one... but feel that I cannot commit fully to a church or an organisation working with young people whilst my mind is 'out of this place' so to speak.

So there you are. Four reasons why I am not looking for Youth Work jobs. Until next time...

Ami x

Better

N.B. I'm into writing lists. I'm always writing them - shopping lists, to-do lists, books to read lists, chores lists, things to pack lists... you get the idea. One of the lists I write less often are lists about my life, 'bucket' kinda lists if you will. 

At New Year I'm not really into resolutions as things you decree at midnight on 31st December to change half-heartily and then 12 hours later realise you've failed miserably and give up.) When I want to change my life I do so immediately (or at the soonest possible time.) But this year feels different to me. Not different as in I believe something magical is going to happen as the clock strikes 12, but that I feel the end of this year brings closure, to many things that have gone on over the last few years.

2011 turned out not to be the year of hope and new opportunities that I hoped it would. Although there were many very special and amazing times - it was also full of disappointments and heartache. Maybe I should have that sentence the other way around... Anyway, I'm not here to write about the past. This is about the future, about change. About wanting things to be different, better.

I have written a list of things I want to accomplish this year. Some of them may seem like certainties, some of them maybe not - but I'm not going to say which are which. And who knows, what I want and what God wants might turn out to be totally different, and I may not complete any of them - but hey, it never hurts to have goals in life.

Goals For 2012:

1. Return to The Philippines.
2. Get my knees fixed.
3. Invite more people round to dinner.
4. Sleep out on the streets to raise money for the Homeless.
5. Finish Bible In One Year.
6. Give more stuff away.
7. Graduate with a 2:1 (at least!)
8. Get a job.
9. See my friends more.
10. See my family more.
11. Start volunteering with Guides/Scouts again.
12. Get a Youth Band up and running.
13. Have some more 'time off'.
14. Do a 25 mile charity bike ride.
15. See something that takes my breath away.

“People don't fail because they aim too high and miss, 

but because they aim too low and hit.” 

Les Brown

Homeland

N.B. All of the following 3 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I have been thinking about the Philippines a lot recently. I mean, I think about it all the time, but I have been thinking deeply about it lots more than normal. I miss it so much that the core of my body actually aches some days. I look at photos to remind me of those precious memories – some that I have shared and some that I never will, but all of which I hold dear to my heart. Almost within the first few days of being there, the very first time, I felt as if I was finally at home. It is a hard feeling to describe to people, especially to people who feel that my home should be here in the UK, either with family or close friends. I do feel ‘at home’ in many places, but the feeling of my heart being filled with total peace and joy has only ever really occurred in the Philippines.

And as the season for sharing good times with loved ones is fully upon us, I can’t help but dream of the days that used to be… the days that could have been. I know, deep down, that my heart will never truly be settled in this country. And I’m not overly sure what I’m supposed to do about that. I have family and friends here. What a sacrifice I would be making, to move to the other side of the world. I cannot lie, and say that it has never crossed my mind. But I am hoping, in my heart of hearts, that if and when that time comes, God will help those I leave behind to be gracious, and understanding. I hope that he will give my life full purpose, so that I knew that I were not sacrificing in vain.

That’s all I’m going to say today. Lots to do, God bless everyone. x

“Another winter day has come and gone away,

In even Paris and Rome, and I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by a million people I

Still feel all alone, oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know”

[Michael Bublé – ‘Home’]

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·         What things bring you the greatest joy?

·         What moments in your life are so inexplicably wonderful that you cannot comprehend them without using the language of the soul, the heart, the spirit?

·         OK, so your heart is just a big muscle pumping your very necessary blood around your very mortal body; but it is also something else, something that cannot be defined or understood without another sort of language, that seems like an echo from another life.

·         Get out the mistletoe – who do you want to kiss?

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” Anne Frank

Heartache

N.B. All of the following 11 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Today we had a joint men/women’s House of Prayer. It was good fun, interesting to share with the men also – (although a bit weird that they were there). Diane asked us to share various moments in our lives – the best and worst thing of 2011, reasons why we were special, and the happiest three moments in our lives. The last topic for me was the very hardest. I have had many happy moments in my life. But perhaps the happiest three also carry with them the deepest hurt: perhaps because the highest moments in our lives carry the potential for us to fall the furthest.

Interestingly for today’s advent reading – all three ‘happy’ moments are in some way connected to children:

1)    Anyone who knows me at all will know my passion and heart for the Philippines and the children and people I met there. The children and young people at Joyland have been especially on my mind recently, as it is getting close to Christmas and I long so much to share this time with them. They are so dear to my heart, and I am sparsely happier than when I am spending time with them - but of course it means that I feel such a great sense of loss when I am so far away.

2)    When I first came to Southend I was broken in so many ways, but there was one family that I became particularly close to and began to spend a lot of time with. The kids treated me like a big sister, and I loved them all as if they were my younger siblings. I enjoyed every moment I spent with the family, and always felt like I belonged. They welcomed me in, even at the most inconvenient times, and they helped me in too many ways for me to count. I loved them all. Unfortunately, over the last few years a few things have changed, and things are no longer as they once were. I still love them all just as much as I ever have, but it has been heartbreaking to share with them in their pain over the last few years.

3)    My niece is the absolute apple of my eye. I love her to the moon and back, and she makes me smile on the worst of my days. Being able to share in her growing and learning has been amazing. She is beautiful, funny and loving and growing up much too fast. (3 years old next week!) Unfortunately the world she is growing up into is not one I would wish on any child. I wish that I could in some way prevent her from ever finding out about the selfishness and greed that leads to so much suffering in the world. The look in her eyes the first time she learns about the conditions other children have to live in will break my heart. She is so privileged to have so much, but so many other children aren’t.

I hope you don’t mind me sharing those. (Well, if you do you don’t have to keep reading…) It has been helpful for me to share, without worrying about the tears in my eyes. Learn to see the world through a child’s eyes – do not hide away from the suffering. Allow it to sink into your soul – to break your heart as it does a child’s. But also learn to see the innocence in the world again – the majesty. The awesomeness of God come down to earth as a newborn baby.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·      Receive the Christmas story like a child.

·      Take some child-like delight in what is happening around you today.

·      Be amazed at the breath in your lungs, the pulse in your wrist, the wind in the trees, the sun upon your face, the water in your tap, the stars in the sky and the smiles on the faces of all the people who will look at you as if you are mad when you kneel down in the street and give thanks for the profligate goodness of the world that is given to us today.

·    Remember that you learned life’s really important lessons at nursery school; sit still, share your toys and clean up after yourself. If we managed these three there would be peace in the world!

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” Albert Einstein

Envy

N.B. All of the following 15 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is interesting that today’s reading in DNCIC is about advertising, and parents feeling the pressure to buy their children all the stuff they want but probably don’t need. I was shopping with a bunch of teenagers today. They were generally looking/buying stuff for their friends, but every now and again they saw some things that they thought were cool and expressed sudden strong wishes to have theme. If they had never entered those shops, never known about those things, would they have missed them? Not at all.

There is something in the human psyche that makes us want stuff we see. What is up with that? ‘Monkey see, monkey want’ comes to mind. Perhaps the ability to resist the urge to suddenly need everything you see comes with maturity. (And I don’t mean getting older, because there are plenty of 50-year olds that suddenly ‘need’ the latest phone/car/clothes/haircut because they’ve seen someone else with it.) Perhaps that is why God felt the need to include this kind of ‘wanting’ in the 10 commandments. “Do not covet your neighbours wife, or your neighbours donkey.” God knew what kind of trouble this envious longing for stuff that other people have would get us into trouble.

I don’t suppose many people in the developed world could get themselves into debt just by buying the essentials. They say the level of personal debt has risen dramatically in the last few decades. Instead of saving for things, people will buy on credit, and so begins the spiral of never ending credit-card payments, loans from the bank, etc. If you can’t afford the car – don’t buy it. If you can’t afford a fancy holiday abroad, don’t go. If buying that laptop means you can’t afford to buy food this week, sort your priorities out! If buying those fancy trainers means you can’t put money in the offering plate this week – what are you really valuing?

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of verses in the Bible that teach us about money and the issues it causes. I can’t help but thinking many Christians are so caught up in the monetary and consumer ways of the world that they don’t even see a problem with it. Let me put it this way – how many hours away from your family are you going to have to work to pay for those presents this Christmas? The greatest present we can give our family is time.

Stuff bought out of guilt will soon lose its uniqueness. Anything electrical you buy will be out-of-date by the time it’s unwrapped. If you want something to be ‘cool’ and popular – what kind of relationships are you building with those around you? That you have to be the best, with all the latest stuff? Good for you. The first shall be last in heaven.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Are you planning to give your children everything they want this Christmas except the one thing they need the most – which is you?

• Have you made time to be there for their nativity play, Christingle service or end-of-term show?

• Are you going to sit down with them and talk through what they really want for Chrsitmas?

• Do nothing together. Idle away some time, fold up some paper and make some snowflakes to stick on the window; bake some mince pies together; plan some silly games to play at Christmas. Conversation often flows best when you are happily muddling away together at something like this.

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson



Dinner

N.B. All of the following 18 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I don’t like eating alone. In fact, I don’t even much enjoy living alone, hence the cat. It’s quite depressing to come home after a long day knowing that the next time you will speak to another human being will be either the Pizza delivery man, or when you return to work the next day. Living alone makes cooking a chore. Especially in the winter when the nights are long and cold.

I was born into a house full of people: Mum, Dad, Mel, Laura, David and Stephen (eventually) plus the various pets. Even after my sisters went off to University there were still a few different children around that my Mum looked after during the days. Our house was never quiet. I was very rarely alone. But I loved it. Sure, sometimes brothers can be a right pain in the backside, but it was life. Most Christmas’s back then my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin would come and stay, and Nan and Granddad would come to Christmas dinner too. There were often 13 or so of us squeezed round the dinner table. That was normal.

Unfortunately as I got older, life began to change. Mum stopped looking after kids, Dad started working again, Mel and Laura both settled elsewhere for good. During my teenage years, Mum and Dad separated, and then even David left home. Seven went down to three: Me, Mum and Stephen. Loneliness set in. I’m not surprised now why so many of my friends spent lots of time at my house. The house needed more people. It was too empty. Too quiet. There would be days when I would leave the house in the morning having not spoken a word to anyone, return home, spend the evening in my room until I went out, and then returned to my room immediately, having no conversation with my family other than “I’m going out!” or “I’m home!” I guess that’s part of the reason I’m not a bit fan of living alone now. Long days and nights remind me too much of that part of my life.

Things at home are a lot different now. A lot of the hurt from that time has healed, and we’ve all moved on. Mel, Laura and David are all married now. Mel and Jon have a gorgeous little one called Layla (who will be 3 in a few weeks!) As well as being my niece she’s my God-daughter too, and I love her to the moon and back. Mum and Dad are both in new relationships, (so now I kinda have 4 parents… great!) David has a couple of little kids too, and Stephen is no longer my ‘little’ brother, and will most days appear with a massive beard/moustache. His friends have replaced mine on the living room sofas. They’ve all moved on with their lives. I can’t help feeling I’m stuck.

A big part of Christmas is family. Sitting round the Dining Room table, swapping stories and (in my families case) toilet jokes. Laughing over current matters, funny comments and stupid things celebrities have done recently, all the while scoffing down huge portions of meat, vegetables and fizzy drinks. Sharing a meal together is part of sharing life together: even though we don’t live on top of one another any more, it’s an important part of our lives, to be together for special occasions.

Cottrell says: “We don’t invite people round to dinner because we think they’re hungry. We invite them round for their company. It’s the human craving for friendship and community that we need to fill.”

If I’m going to make any New Year’s resolutions this year it is to invite more people round to dinner. (If they can endure my cooking!) To share life with people. I’m pretty fed up of living on my own to be honest. If you want to come round anytime, just come. (Although if you want to eat let me know so I can make sure I have food in the fridge…) A good friend once said to me: “Mi casa, en su casa.” (My house is your house.) If you just read that, it applies to you too. And who knows. Maybe in sharing life with more people, that loneliness that sits in the depth of my stomach will begin to fade.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Get out the recipe book. Making a Christmas cake or a Christmas pudding is not that hard and not that expensive. And if you have someone else to do it with, all the better!

• Bring back mealtimes! Start a new regime where dinner is on the table at a certain time and you all sit together.

• And who else will you invite?

• And say grace before you start. Even if you can’t give thanks to God, be thankful that there is food on your table when so many in the world today have nothing.

“No matter how busy our current lifestyles are, or what is going on outside, family meals are important… I am determined to get families back around the table.” Gordon Ramsey

Debts

N.B. All of the following 20 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

So many people think the Christmas season is about buying stuff. (In actual fact so many people think life is about buying stuff… but we’ll leave that for now.) As much as I love giving gifts to those I love, and enjoy sharing what I have with others, I don’t ever think that should be limited to the month of December.

Giving is more than spending money on a present that the receiver may or may not want, and may or may not leave in a box until they can find someone else to give it to. Giving is about the surrendering of your own agenda. It’s about listening to a friend, and not wanting to jump in with your own stories. It’s about being able to just be in silence with someone else. It’s about remembering to ask them how their day was before moaning about your own. It’s about recognising when they’re having a really crap day, but trying not to show it. It’s about the encouraging smile or wink that you sneak in when no-one else is looking. Christmas may include the giving and receiving of hundreds of pounds worth of presents for you – but don’t forget to give yourself to your loved ones. Chances are they’ll remember that gift much longer than the one in the wrapping paper.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Cut up the credit cards now. If things are really that bad, then there’s really no alternative.

• Only use cash. It will help you keep a better check on how much you’re spending.

• Do another quick bit of mental arithmetic. How much do you earn? How much can you afford? What can you realistically spend on Christmas this year?

• For help with debt, phone the National Debtline on 0808 8084000 or go to the Citizens Advice Bureau website, www.adviceguide.org.uk. The Christian Stewardship website www.stewardship.org.uk also has lots of helpful information including a Christmas challenge and top ten tips for financial management at Christmas. Or look at the Church of England’s Matter of Life or Debt pages www.cofe.anglican.org/debt.

• And what other debts do you have? What outstanding claims of love, forgiveness, generosity and mercy do you owe, and how will you pay them?

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

Gifts

N.B. All of the following 22 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Do you know what I really want this Christmas? I want to be in the Philippines. I want to see the kids I know and love so much. I want to be able to hug them, tell them I love them and enjoy their innocent playful nature without restriction. I want to discover a bit of meaning and purpose. I want some reassurance that love can last. That people can still fall in love, and get married and make it last long enough to see retirement through. I want to laugh, and not feel guilty about laughing. To feel good, and not be wondering when something will happen that will shatter that. To enjoy some time off, and not dread going back to work. To not feel like there are a million things I need to be doing. To be able to have hope in a future that means something. That’s what I’m really hoping for this Christmas.

• Dare to find some time to stop and be still, if only for a few minutes. Ask what truly brings you joy and comfort, and see how this could become part of your Christmas celebration.
• In which case, for Christmas I would like a long walk in the countryside… or a hot bath… or to lie on the floor and listen to a piece of music. But what about you? What is your deepest wish? What would you really like?
• And what do you want for the world?

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” Hamilton Wright Mabie.