Araw 42

It rained hard again last night so the ground was really wet this morning. Everyone was very slow to get going for school so I think own beds tonight.

At morning tea we said goodbye to Pastor and Mamzet who fly to Australia for 3 months tonight. They don't get back till the end of January so the kids and Shine will be alone for Christmas.

Back in the classroom Shine wasn't feeling too good so left me in charge of the class, and oh how havoc reigned!! They were all playing, claiming to have done their work when they actually hadn't done much at all, Sophia threw a strop when I asked her to do some of her Maths, Renzo disappeared every time I asked for his goal sheet, Clarke kept talking, Fredo did very little and all in all it was extremely hard for me to do any study of my own, and I was extremely grateful when the bell rang.

Lunch was fried egg with rice, soy sauce and calamansi. The kids were having bony fish again, so they'd cooked me some eggs, bless them. Was delicious, and I ate 3 cups of rice with my soy and calamansi. 

After lunch Shine still wasn't feelin well so I was semi-in charge, along with teacher Jessa. Shekinah had also finished all her goals so she came in to help. It was the most manic 2 hours of my life. Clarke did no work, Renzo kept talking, Fredo hadn't remembered any of his pace so kept asking me for the answer, and after resorting to messin around was stood up, which didn't stop his misbehaviour, Mikela and Fredo came in from lunch muddy and had to change, Sophia wet herself and had to change, Bobby was being annoyed by Christina, Marites signed her own goal sheet... It was a nightmare. I'm surprised I managed to do any work at all, but as soon as the bell ring for end of school I was out of there. Needed a lay down in the dorm to get over it, and after dinner went straight back to the dorm to get ready for bed.

Ekklesia

Church. What's the first thing you think of? Boring, old-fashioned, big ugly building, weird Christian people who don't have any fun? Or perhaps you have more optimistic thoughts... Nice. Organic. Friendly. But even with these latter thoughts, where does our idea of church even come from? Why is it that we sit in rows and sing songs and read liturgy and baptise people by 'full-immersion'? Does our current idea of 'church' actually fit in with what the Bible tells us, or have we gone astray?

Perhaps the answer lies in it's meaning. In the original Greek texts of the New Testament, the word 'ekklesia' is what is substituted in English versions of the Bible for 'church'. But in ancient Greek, 'church' was 'kuriakos', meaning, 'of the Lord'. Therefore, when the original translators chose to substitute 'ekklesia' for 'church', there was a shift from the 'called-out ones' of 'ekklesia' to the 'of the Lord' people of 'kuriakos'.

Be that as it may, in name or meaning, what signifies that 21st Century churches deserve the reputation  of 'ekklesia' that is used to describe the disciples over 115 times in the NT? Paul and Silas had a reputation. They were 'trouble-makers' all over the known world (Acts 17:6). But what were they doing that had caused such uproar? Perhaps they were telling people to go to church, or to support the local Minister, or to be nice to their neighbours? No.

Paul and Silas were declaring that there was another king: Jesus. A king bigger than Caesar, a King that was building his Kingdom, a king that was at war! Paul and Silas were not advocating for churches, they were building God's Kingdom. And being part of God's kingdom means over-throwing all the other kings in the minds of the people and alienating them from the mental hold of the things that ruled their lives. They were calling people out of their differences to surrender their hearts and lives to the Kingdom where all who heard and believed would join as one community.

So where does this modern idea of 'church' come from? In effect, (without boring you with a very long lecture on church history) it grew, influenced by culture, from the moment Constantine legalised Christian worship in 313AD, until around 1950... (when it just got stuck.) Churches reflected the culture around them, strict, formal, controlled. No longer where Christian's the ones 'called-out' to follow Jesus, they were the ones that 'ventured out' on a Sunday morning. For many, faith bore no resemblance nor significance to everyday life.

Fortunately though, this was not true for everyone. There are many amazing men and women of God in British history that lived the message they heard and believed. At one time -  the church was at the forefront in societal change - providing hospitals, schools, food, shelter, clothing, care and love. It took the governmental institutions decades to catch up with what our forefather's were doing. But now? Many churches reject homosexuals whereas society has been accepting for years. Many churches reject divorcees though society has deemed it acceptable. Many churches demoralise women though they won 'equality' in society nearly 100 years ago. When did the Church stop leading the way in love, acceptance, grace and humility?

Have we become so scared that our values will be undermined by society that we have locked ourselves away in our brick buildings to sing our songs and say our prayers before creeping back into the world to join the crowd? Why are we afraid to stand for what we say we believe? Is God not big enough? Is Jesus' message not radical enough? Church should be about more than going out on a Sunday morning to sit in an uncomfortable pew in a building that is normally too cold or too hot, standing occasionally to sing a few songs half-heartedly, and listen to someone talk for half an hour before saying a few heartless prayers, stand around drinking average coffee and making awkward conversation and then go home, unchanged. 

Even if the preacher is particularly good, or the worship particularly pleasing, how long before you're back to your life, living the same way as always, buying non-fairtrade foods, unethical clothing, moaning about the bills and how expensive holidays are, fobbing off charity workers in the high street because you 'can't afford' to give, and yet had pre-ordered the latest child-laboured Apple product and enjoy the luxury of hot meals, new clothes, couple of holidays a year and Sky TV. Isn't anyone else fed up of the hypocrisy? We watch Man VS Food and we laugh, because it's funny to watch a man trying to eat ridiculous sized portions of food in an hour. But the deep sadness is that 21, 000 children died today because of starvation, unclean water and easily preventable diseases.

So I ask you this: If the 'ekklesia' of the 21st century are satisfied with being 'church', then what is the point?

Better

N.B. I'm into writing lists. I'm always writing them - shopping lists, to-do lists, books to read lists, chores lists, things to pack lists... you get the idea. One of the lists I write less often are lists about my life, 'bucket' kinda lists if you will. 

At New Year I'm not really into resolutions as things you decree at midnight on 31st December to change half-heartily and then 12 hours later realise you've failed miserably and give up.) When I want to change my life I do so immediately (or at the soonest possible time.) But this year feels different to me. Not different as in I believe something magical is going to happen as the clock strikes 12, but that I feel the end of this year brings closure, to many things that have gone on over the last few years.

2011 turned out not to be the year of hope and new opportunities that I hoped it would. Although there were many very special and amazing times - it was also full of disappointments and heartache. Maybe I should have that sentence the other way around... Anyway, I'm not here to write about the past. This is about the future, about change. About wanting things to be different, better.

I have written a list of things I want to accomplish this year. Some of them may seem like certainties, some of them maybe not - but I'm not going to say which are which. And who knows, what I want and what God wants might turn out to be totally different, and I may not complete any of them - but hey, it never hurts to have goals in life.

Goals For 2012:

1. Return to The Philippines.
2. Get my knees fixed.
3. Invite more people round to dinner.
4. Sleep out on the streets to raise money for the Homeless.
5. Finish Bible In One Year.
6. Give more stuff away.
7. Graduate with a 2:1 (at least!)
8. Get a job.
9. See my friends more.
10. See my family more.
11. Start volunteering with Guides/Scouts again.
12. Get a Youth Band up and running.
13. Have some more 'time off'.
14. Do a 25 mile charity bike ride.
15. See something that takes my breath away.

“People don't fail because they aim too high and miss, 

but because they aim too low and hit.” 

Les Brown

Leftovers

N.B. All of the following 9 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

“I remember someone saying they would like to discuss their spiritual live with me. ‘That’s fine,’ I replied. ‘Please make sure you bring your credit card statement with you.’ They were slightly taken aback. ‘It was my spiritual life I was hoping to discuss,’ they began. ‘Well,’ I explained, ‘whether we like it or not, what we do with our money is the clearest possible indicator of what we think our spiritual life is actually about.”

Yesterday at College the 2^nd years were discussing the whole idea of giving and possessions. I was in one of the study rooms when one of the learning groups came and joined us as they had been sent off to discuss a few questions. I remember studying that topic last year, and being somewhat of a devil’s advocate. Not many of the class agreed with me then, and there is a real possibility that few of them ever will. Because what I believe challenges the lifestyle that so many 21^st century Christians live, and despite ‘subscribing’ to the views of Jesus church – few are prepared to actual live the lifestyle that we are called to.

Few are willing to live as radically as their beliefs would have you assume. That is not a dig at Christians who are not prepared to give up home comforts for the adventure of a gospel-lifestyle – I am sure they are gifted and show devotion to Christ in other ways. But it is a challenge – to realise that the comforts of today and tomorrow are nothing compared to the glory of forever. Some Christians would rather eat biscuits today, because they cannot wait a few years to visit the biscuit factory. (Stupid analogy but helpful in highlighting the point.) Jesus promises that whatever we give up in this world, we will be given, and more, in heaven. There is nothing that God has created that can give us greater pleasure than God himself.

So this Christmas, when you are buying things that you believe may enhance your life – think instead of giving the money to help others – and collect your reward in heaven instead.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·    Get out your credit card statement and your bank statement and see where your money actually goes.

·   Is there a standing order for charity? Or is charitable giving a matter of seeing what’s left over?

·    Make sure you give at least one gift to the poor this Christmas.

“Generosity isn’t measured by how much you give; but by how much is left over when you’ve finished giving.” Richard Inwood

Feast

N.B. All of the following 12 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is very interesting how we celebrate Jesus’ birth of simplicity by spending weeks and weeks stuffing our lives full of mass amounts of everything. I’m not a humbug, at least not anymore. I have had my fair share of amazing Christmas’, and even a few rotten ones, but I can no longer partake in the season of gluttony that has overtaken this time of year. No, I don’t have a chocolate calendar – I eat enough chocolate as it is, without needing a daily dose of it for the month before Christmas. I have not stocked up my cupboards with masses of food that I probably won’t eat.

An important part of Christmas is the great feast – dinner with all the trimmings and extras on Christmas Day that is shared with family or perhaps friends. But does not the feast taste better if it has not been preceded by days and days of stuffing your face? I eat many a meal over the year with my young people – but the one I enjoy the most is nearly always the one after the 24 hour famine. It is when we go without that we truly learn to appreciate what we have. It is the same with stuff. Those who go without learn much more how to treasure the little they are blessed with – while those who have everything often appreciate nothing.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Buy what you need.

·        Buy ethically reared poultry. Spend a bit more and eat a bit less.

·        Prepare for the feast with the simplicity of the fast.

·        And do a bit more of the cooking yourself. There is always one vital ingredient missing in pre-packaged food – the love that only you can stir in.

“Christmas has its critics and, if we are honest, I’m sure each of us has, at some time, wished we could quietly quit the planet and come back when it is over. On the other hand, at what other time of the year can we turn our minds to the sheer joy of feasting? The sharing of fine food and wines with family and friends is a deeply ingrained human (as well as religious) activity, without which our lives would surely be diminished.” Delia Smith

Envy

N.B. All of the following 15 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is interesting that today’s reading in DNCIC is about advertising, and parents feeling the pressure to buy their children all the stuff they want but probably don’t need. I was shopping with a bunch of teenagers today. They were generally looking/buying stuff for their friends, but every now and again they saw some things that they thought were cool and expressed sudden strong wishes to have theme. If they had never entered those shops, never known about those things, would they have missed them? Not at all.

There is something in the human psyche that makes us want stuff we see. What is up with that? ‘Monkey see, monkey want’ comes to mind. Perhaps the ability to resist the urge to suddenly need everything you see comes with maturity. (And I don’t mean getting older, because there are plenty of 50-year olds that suddenly ‘need’ the latest phone/car/clothes/haircut because they’ve seen someone else with it.) Perhaps that is why God felt the need to include this kind of ‘wanting’ in the 10 commandments. “Do not covet your neighbours wife, or your neighbours donkey.” God knew what kind of trouble this envious longing for stuff that other people have would get us into trouble.

I don’t suppose many people in the developed world could get themselves into debt just by buying the essentials. They say the level of personal debt has risen dramatically in the last few decades. Instead of saving for things, people will buy on credit, and so begins the spiral of never ending credit-card payments, loans from the bank, etc. If you can’t afford the car – don’t buy it. If you can’t afford a fancy holiday abroad, don’t go. If buying that laptop means you can’t afford to buy food this week, sort your priorities out! If buying those fancy trainers means you can’t put money in the offering plate this week – what are you really valuing?

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of verses in the Bible that teach us about money and the issues it causes. I can’t help but thinking many Christians are so caught up in the monetary and consumer ways of the world that they don’t even see a problem with it. Let me put it this way – how many hours away from your family are you going to have to work to pay for those presents this Christmas? The greatest present we can give our family is time.

Stuff bought out of guilt will soon lose its uniqueness. Anything electrical you buy will be out-of-date by the time it’s unwrapped. If you want something to be ‘cool’ and popular – what kind of relationships are you building with those around you? That you have to be the best, with all the latest stuff? Good for you. The first shall be last in heaven.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Are you planning to give your children everything they want this Christmas except the one thing they need the most – which is you?

• Have you made time to be there for their nativity play, Christingle service or end-of-term show?

• Are you going to sit down with them and talk through what they really want for Chrsitmas?

• Do nothing together. Idle away some time, fold up some paper and make some snowflakes to stick on the window; bake some mince pies together; plan some silly games to play at Christmas. Conversation often flows best when you are happily muddling away together at something like this.

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson



Homeless

N.B. All of the following 17 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’ Today I have actually decided to just type the entire reading for today as it ties in with so much of what I said yesterday.

What is the sound of one cracker being pulled? What about all the people who will be on their own at Christmas? What about those who don’t have a home, let alone a dining room?

About half a million people spend Christmas on their own each year. Some do this out of choice, preferring the solitude of their own company to the forced merriment of others. Some do not. Many people are just isolated, alienated, forgotten or abandoned. The overcrowded noisiness of our busy, prosperous culture can be the loneliest place on earth. Some people can go through a whole day with very little human contact. Everything is automated. We interact with our computers and our phones, but not with each other. We know the names of those who live in Albert Square. We’ve barely spoken to our own next door neighbour.

There’s another vast number of people who don’t have any home at all. Nobody is sure how many, but last Christmas the charity Crisis served 35, 000 meals in it’s shelters across London. Then there are half a million or so ‘hidden homeless’: people living in squats and bedsit, families in temporary accommodation, people sleeping on a friend’s sofa.

What is the one thing everyone remembers from the Christmas story? There was no room at the inn. God entered the world through the experience of homelessness and the rejection and isolation that goes with it. How can we reach out to those whose experience is the same today?

On Tuesday, after I had walked Beth home from GB I decided not to take the shortest route home, which meant walking up a dark, quiet road. Instead I took a longer way, which included walking up a main shopping road. It was about 10pm, and all but the mini-supermarkets and fast food restaurants were closed. As I was walking, I saw a guy sitting in the doorway of a shop covered with a duvet on the opposite side of the road. It was a cold night, but he was merrily chatting away to the few passers-by. At first I hurried by, eager to get home and buy a few bits from Tesco before they shut. However, after coming out of Tesco, my conscience got the better of my and I couldn’t walk away.

Anyway, I got Bob* and his friend some milk, (he asked for it) and sat down in the doorway next to them for a chat. The first thing I could smell was beer, which I can’t stand the smell of, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt (A lot of homeless people drink just so they don’t feel the cold as much.) and we had a good ole chat. Bob started telling me about this ‘squat’ that they’d discovered, how big it was, what it looked like etc, and how it even had running water. After a good hour, he was dying to show me this house, so once I promised I’d come along and have a look. (Yes, it was crazy but he was really friendly, if a little drunk.)

After an hour of sitting with Bob and Charlie* in a smelly, damp upstairs “bedroom” of this house (which was in fact every bit as awesome as Bob said… though it was now derelict and pretty dark by that point) with only a few small candles for light and warmth, I made my exit and headed home. Once I was out in the fresh air, I stopped for a moment to gather myself. Had that really just happened? It was perhaps the most surreal experience of my life, and yet the most human. I had never imagined, at the start of the day, that I would end it sitting in a dark, smelly, squat house with a few homeless blokes, and yet I had never been so comfortable with complete strangers. I have experienced poverty, but never so close to my own home. I don’t think I had ever relied as fully on the strength of God as during that hour.

* Yes they’re fake names. I don’t want to get him into trouble.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Do you know anyone who might be alone this Christmas?

• What could you do to offer them company?

• Find out about what happens in your local community to support homeless people. As well as national charities like Crisis and Shelter there are often local projects and centres that need support. Offer them some help. Take them some food and warm clothing.

“The greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no-one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Meaning

N.B. The following is apparently the Purpose Driven declaration, by Rick Warren. I found it on a piece of paper in my memory box, read it, and decided yeah! That's it. That's what I'm doing! So even though I could probably quite easily copy and paste it from the internet, I'm not going to. Because I mean every word, I'm going to type every word.

"Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering, I've made my choice, the verdict is in, and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!

I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.

Since my past has been forgiven, adn I have a purpose for living, and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.

Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.

I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back down or back slide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, living on purpose, and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything God entrusts to me.

To my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I say, "However, whenever, wherever and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is YES! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord: whatever it takes! I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say: "Well done thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"

So there you have it! It's gonna be hard, uncomfortable, and painful, but boy, it is going to be worth it! Praise God!!

Things

N.B. I've rediscovered my purpose for life, but reading this book: The 100 Thing Challenge by Dave Bruno. It's absolutely fantastic, highly recommended by me!

So, what's this all about you ask, and what on earth is the 100 thing challenge? Well, it is where an individual seeks to live for a certain period of time with only 100 possessions. Of course, it doesn't have to be an 100 thing challenge. It could be the 10, 25, 50, 75 or even 150 thing challenge. The number isn't important really. It's a personal challenge, with rules made up by yourself. Dave Bruno lived for an entire year with 100 possessions. I am going to do the same, if for no other reason than to keep it simple!

The rules for my challenge are as follows:

1) This is a personal challenge. The items on my list will be things that are entirely my personal possessions.

The purpose of the challenge is not to force my views upon anyone, but rather for myself to break free of any remaining constraints of consumerism that still occupy my spending habits. I will decide when the rules need to be loosened, or even broken.

2) Books. I am not intending to purge any of my books. This is for a number of reasons: 1) I have spent a lot of money buying them, 2) most of them are for college/work and the rest are for my own personal development, and 3) getting rid of them will serve no deeper purpose for breaking my consumerism habits as they are books I have bought to enhance myself, (many are ironically about consumerism) not because I think it will make me cool/trendy/ to keep up with the Joneses. So for the purpose of this challenge, I will be keeping 'one' library.

3) I will be counting my bed, chair and wardrobe on my list, but I will not be counting items such as 'fridge, toaster, cooker etc. Otherwise I would get to nearly 50 objects just by counting my cutlery, plates and kitchen appliances. I can assure you all, I do not have an addiction to buying kitchen equipment, and my cupboards are modestly filled with essentials. I am also not going to count items such as 'a screw driver, allen keys, tape measurer'. These will count as 'household items', needed for the times when I may need to change a fuse or measure something...

4) Some items will count in groups - for example, socks, pants, etc. This is mainly because it would be pretty unhygenic for me to live with limited amounts of underwear, especially as I live alone and could not fill a washing machine with only a weeks worth of clothes. I would therefore either have to walk around commando for the best part of a fortnight, or wash half-loads - both of which are harmful to the environment.

5) I have decided to keep one small 'memoribila box' in order to savour things that I have been given over the years by lovely friends and family, some of whom are no longer around. I assure you, none of these things will be items I myself have purchased, and I will be sorting through  and throwing away a great deal of the fairly large memoribila box I have currently.

6) Digital items such as Music will not count, as these are not possessions I can grasp (and many of which are bought for the benefit of the young people.)

7) Most people who buy me gifts will know that for this year, they are not allowed to buy me things. However, in case anyone can not resist this urge, I will allow myself 7 days from receiving the item before it will count towards my 100 things. In that time I will either need to give it away, give it back, or throw something else away in order to keep it.

8) Finally, I am allowed to buy new things. However, I always have to remain under the 100 thing total. If I am replacing something, I have to get rid of the original thing first before I get the new thing.

So, they are the rules. Now all I have to do is get down to 100 personal things before 1st August. Let the purging begin!

Pedestals

N.B. Have you ever looked up to someone, and been let down by something they did? Or placed someone on a pedestal, and later watched them fall from it? Or maybe you've trusted someone, and then been lied to? Or believed in someone, only to have them give up on you? I have.

Afterwards, the process is much like grieving. There is denial - they wouldn't do that. It can't be true. Then there is anger - how dare they do that! What were they thinking? They're not going to get away with this. My anger faded into hurt, and feeling betrayed. Let down. Rejected. And do you know what happened after that? I saw God. It wasn't one of those vision, dream, appartition kind of ways. But I saw God in the situation. Felt his heart ache, his comfort, and his love. And perhaps learnt a bit about what Jesus meant for us when he told us to love our enemies.

I don't think I have ever had a real enemy. But what if our enemies aren't just the people seeking to destroy us, though they are hard to love too. What if maybe, our enemies are those people we envy? Or maybe they are the people we never accept? Maybe they are our ex-friends? Maybe they are the people who mildly annoy us. Maybe they are those we used to trust? Used to look up to. The people we once put on a pedestal, or those we used to believe in. What if we find it harder to love those people, because they abused our trust, let us down, got close to us, and later betrayed us? Maybe they are the Judas', or the Thomas'; or the Peters'? Maybe they are the people who let us down in our hour of need. Maybe they are the people who are supposed to love us, like our parents, or our siblings, or our children?

I don't know about you, but they are the people I struggle to love the most. Then again, maybe the are the ones who need our love most of all. I've heard it said: love is a dangerous game. And it's right. To love, is to risk being hurt. To open yourself up to rejection, betrayal and pain. But does that make the loving any less worth it? No.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is 'Yet' by Switchfoot. The bridge of the song goes like this:

"If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love,

No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough

Cause it's when you're breaking down

With your insides coming out

That's when you find out what your heart is made of."

If you've never trusted anyone and been lied to, or believed in someone and had them give up on you, or love someone and had your heart broken - have you loved enough?

Comfortable

N.B. I've been in the Philippines for just over a week now, and like a moth is drawn to the light, my brain continues to search for meanings for the thousands of questions that I am presented with every day.

Ever since I arrived here, I have been confronted with situation after situation of instances where most (Western) people would throw their towel in and say, "No, I'm not doing that. Life is not fair!" But here, there is no option for that. Life goes on, through storm, pain and disaster. Survival is key. I have no doubt there are people in the West like that also, but I fear that they may be fewer and further between. Not because the West is a particularly bad place, but because I believe life circumstances grow people, and fewer there know the real meaning of mere survival.

A few months ago; whilst on train going nowhere; I was listening to a Youthwork Podcast, and the guest Pip Wilson said something that has stuck with me ever since, and I would say has had a fairly major impact on some life decisions I have made in the last few months:

"Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable... God does not reside in comfortable."

Read that again. Each time I read that sentence it resonates on a deeper level. It is not (excuse the irony) a comortable sentence to read. And I guess in a way, this blog may read the same way to you. I do not apologise for that, because if there is one thing that I have learnt is that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. Then again, some people who read this may not even understand the meaning of it. Some may be indifferent. To me, it matters not. Growing up in the west, I have seen comfortable. I have lived comfortable. I have seen comfortable excelerate to levels beyond understanding and need. I have also seen more greed and selfishness than I care to share. And I am a participant in that... on many levels, and I am ashamed because I am not ignorant. There may be some (and I say some, because the media broadcasts it nearly every day of the week) who don't get the extent to which poverty levels sink in countries like the Philippines, (well, most of Asia/Africa/South America) but I fear that there are many more who simply don't care. Or maybe their understanding is jaded by their privileged western upbringing.

At this moment, the story of the woman who gave 2 pennies in the temple offering resonates with me. I may not have a lot (Westernly) of money to give, but I am no longer satisfied with just giving some. Time after time after time it says in the Bible that we must give our ALL to God. Trust that HE will provide. How true is that in my lifestyle right now? I am not sure it is. I know, from just one week here that there is more that needs to be done, and God yearns deeply for his people to stand up and DO something! How can we claim to Love God, and to want to do his will when we sit in our overly comfortable houses, relaxing, seeing to our own needs, while countless numbers of children, families, elderly, are living destitute, starving, ill, dying in our own country, as well as in other parts of the world? Do we love God enough to love them?

Nearly a year ago, when I started my Degree course, I asked God to help me to grow, and I believe He has some amazing plans to help me do that, put I don't think it involves sitting around watching TV. Praise God.

"Try kissing some scars.

Try walking in someone else's shoes.

Try making a mistake as a learning experience.

Try loving the unlovely.

Try a vision for others not self.

Try downward mobility instead of upwards.

Try a worse home.

Try a poorer community.

Try a battered and hopeless church.

Try disturbing your comfortable.

Try comforting your disturbed.

Try pain when comfortable.

Try comfort when in pain.

Try grit in your oyster.

Try loving yourself like you have never been hurt."

Dangerously

N.B. I know that it has been a long time since I've blogged, and that my habits recently have probably allowed most of my followers to fade slowly to the point of non-interest, but as College draws to a close I am determined to be more disciplined in my public reflections.

I have spent the Bank Holiday weekend at the Baptist Assembly in Plymouth, not as a youth worker, or children's worker, or anything really, just as me. It was lovely, if not a relief to have some time away after the rather emotional few weeks I have had. Although a lot of the worship time was not really my cup of tea, and the average age of most of the people there was well over 50, it was uniquely refreshing.

Whilst there, I wasn't being watched - in fact I spent a lot of time by myself, surrounded by beautiful strangers. I was just another face in the crowd, albeit a much younger one! But as I listened to the stories of age old missionaries and heard of the fantastic service they had done for God and for people of other nationalities, I was inspired.

Over the weekend I was also desperately writing an essay on Luke 6: 27-38, Jesus talking about loving our enemies, treating others as we would aspire to be treated, and remembering to love others as God loves them. It was helpful, and encouraging, to think that my life with God is only really beginning. That I have so much more to learn, so many more mistakes to make, and yet so many miracles to discover! God has so much more of a journey set out ahead of me, one in which he calls me to live dangerously, trusting in his amazing provision and truth and love for me, and knowing that the more that I endeavour to live His call for my life, the more I will discover about Him.

I cannot say that life from now will be easy, because I truly believe that it will be anything but! Trusting that God will provide is a scary thing to embark upon. Attempting to love those whom have previously contended, hated, maybe even attacked you, is a hard thing to do. But I truly believe that I am not travelling on my own. On the contrary, I will have neither the strength nor the will to take a single step without the Grace and Love of God pouring onto my life. Praise God. The race is on!

Worship

N.B. Today at College, our afternoon session was looking at the concept of "Worship": what it means, how it has changed over the years, our experiences; good and bad; of sung worship, and different aspects of leading corporate worship. It was a really good session, even though I spent most of it away with the fairies and appearing uninterested; I was just reflecting back on past experiences...

When I first arrived in the Philippines back in July, I spent a few days in Manila before flying on to Negros. On the day after my arrival, I spent time in Payatas with the team that work at and attend the youth centre. I was given the warmest welcome ever, and even though I could barely remember very few of their names from the year before, they were all more than pleased to see me and have me stay there with them for a few days. (And of course, by the time I left I knew them all.) I was made to feel special and appreciated in a way that I don't understand, and hasn't been repeated that often since.

While I was there, about 20 of them were attending a Ministry Training Course run by Father Paul and the Youth Worker: Mhel. On my second evening, a few of us travelled to Mang Inasal (a really good chicken place with unlimited rice) and Tita Olyn treated us all to some food. It was a great evening of laughter, renewed friendship and honest realisations. Mhel blessed the food before we ate, during which he said: "Lord, help us to remember that everything we eat is food we have not shared with those who are hungry." Humbling and moving words from someone whom many in Western society would describe as "poor." Poor in material goods maybe, but rich in love, spirit, heart, acceptance, and passion for those who are suffering.

I stayed at Lourdes' that night, and overwhelmed and humbled from the hospitality I experienced from those who literally have nothing, it was a memorable night. The next morning we were up early, to have showers (a bucket of cold water that you pour over yourself with a jug), and "breakfast" (flavoured spaghetti, some sweet bread rolls and a chocolate milk drink) before setting off in the morning light around Payatas to do some errands that Lourdes had to do on behalf of the Youth Centre. Then we were off down to Block 7; the area at the base of the rubbish dump; where Fr. Paul lives when he is about in Payatas; because those on the training were leading some worship time with the families and children that live down there. Whilst completing the errands I was introduced to a few of Lourdes friends who live around Payatas and also had a good few invites to stay in people's homes the next time I came to stay in Payatas.

Of course, in true Filipino style, Lourdes and I turned up at 8am (the agreed time to meet) and spent nearly an hour waiting around for the rest of the group. I didn't mind in the slightest, as it gave me a chance to sit and observe some of the life that so often goes unrecorded at the base of the dump. Lourdes translated some of my questions to the local “shop” keeper, and I learned a little bit about the people who populated that part of the dumpsite, and saw a glimpse of what life must be like. When the others arrived, Guitar, Drumbox and bag of flavoured bread in tow; and greetings and hugs were exchanged; we gathered around a house doorway only a few feet from the fence that separated us from the mountain of rubbish that dominated and shadowed these people’s homes. I had a clear view of the dump, the guards and the people, young and old, clambering over the scraps of metal, plastic and waste clothing looking for anything that could be sold, exchanged for food, or used for something useful. And I experienced discomfort in the deepest, rawest sense.

It wasn’t the worship that made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t even the fact that all those who weren’t from the youth centre gradually made a circle of unabashed stares around me. It wasn’t even the smell that gradually overpowers you as you draw nearer to the beast of a dirty, smelly rubbish mountain. I had seen it the year before, and I had heard many stories about the things that went on day by day. I called myself a friend to some who lived there. But I had taken for granted so many things; I had wasted so many opportunities. I had let the culture and natures of English life sweep me away since the last time I stood in that place. I had not lived every day for a worthwhile reason. I hadn’t lived every day like I knew what was going on. And I did know. I had, in effect, forgotten the lessons I learned. And I hadn’t even realised.

And as I stood there, singing song of declaration and loyalty to God, I realised what a sham I’d made of things. And after streaming through the multitude of pre-mentioned thoughts in my head, I realised that none of it made any difference. I hadn’t any difference. I had failed to do all the things I thought I would when I returned to England the first time. These people still lived here; still suffered from poor health, poor housing, little to no education, and food only when profits from the dump allowed so. What had I done, or rather, what hadn’t I done?

Then I looked at the smiling faces all around me: children, teenagers and adults all singing their hearts out for God. If life was so bad, what was I missing here? What made them able to sing so freely of God’s blessing and goodness when I seemed to struggle so much? Was it that living here had disillusioned them into thinking this was normal life? I guess so – this was normal to them. But that did not stop the passion for those suffering around them to be conveyed so freely in their everyday lives. There was no hint of being disheartened that day: no attitude that things didn’t need to change. They were doing everything they could to change live for those around them. In those moments by the dump - they were worshipping God. They were telling the children who lived and worked on the dump that they needed to live for God. These young people, whose strength and determination is a constant inspiration to all who meet them, were praising their God – the God who changed so much in their lives. They were sharing the thing most precious to them. And as I stood there; I got it. Praise God.

“Oh dear God we ask for your favour,
Come and sweep through this place
Oh we desire You
I just wanna be with You, be where You are
Dwelling in Your Presence O God
Oh I want to walk with You

And I will climb this mountain
And I'll step off the shore
And I have chosen to follow
And be by Your side forever more

Tell me what You want me to do, Lord God
Tell me what You want for my life
It's Yours oh God, it's Yours
Do Your will, have Your way
Be Lord God in this place
Oh I want Your will to be done.”
‘By Your Side’ - Hillsong

[All photos from Jo Crowe (Click Here)]

Freefall

Sitting on the train this morning I could think of nothing other than how fast my life seems to be moving these days. And, just like sitting on a train and waiting for the driver to stop at someplace vaguely near where you want to go, I feel like I have no control. I feel like the world is rushing past me, or rather: I am rushing through the world, with nothing but a vague idea where my destination will be. And I'm not even sure I want to go there.

There is so much good in my life, and I am blessed with many friends and family who love me very much (I hope.) And yet I think one thing that don't think I have ever had; and maybe I never will have; is a sound mind. The ability to just enjoy something. To just be, in a moment. I try my very hardest, and perhaps over the summer I was the closest to contentment I have ever been, but now that I am back here I can see the hazy boundary of happiness slipping further and further out of my grip. Maybe the biggest challenge I have this year will be learning to not have to be in control. Because lets face it, I have to be. Maybe thats my problem. My need to be in control restricts impulsivity - the ability to allow the moment to dictate emotion. That's my biggest fear, and yet my biggest release. To just cry, because in that moment, tears are needed. To get angry, to react, because a reaction is needed. Maybe I don't have to internalise everything and wait till later. Maybe the world is a safer place than I first thought.

Saying that, my emotions have been so up and down the last few weeks that perhaps this entire blog is unnecessary. Perhaps I am just suffering with post-Philippines syndrome and when this all calms down and normal life is resumed I will have mastered all that I am aiming towards. We shall see.

"You wanna be invisible
You wanna be alone
But it's Monday morning and the weekends a long way to go...
You're living in free fall
You're living in free fall
And you just don't understand why you never land
And you don't believe any more
In what you're doing this for
And you do not dare to dream;

When you're just a wheel turning
Somebody else's machine"

'Freefall' - Amy Wadge

Everyone

N.B. Reflection on Romans 12 v 1-21. What an amazing book. (Yes, I say that about all of Paul's letters.) But this is what I strive for, this is how I want to live. And sure, I'm never going to get there, because I have sinned, and I fall short of God's glory, by a long shot. But I am justified freely through the redemption that comes through faith in Christ Jesus, thanks be to God.

"I'm taking my everyday, ordinary life — my sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life — and placing it before God as an offering. I'm not going to become so well-adjusted to my culture that I fit into it without even thinking. Instead, I'm fixing my attention on God. I'll be changed from the inside out. I'll try to readily recognize what He wants from me, and quickly respond to it.

Living in pure grace, I'm know I'm not bringing this goodness to God. God brings it all to me. The only accurate way to understand life is by what God is and by what He does for me, not by what I am and what I do for him.

I'm trying to be what I was made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing myself to someone else, or by being something I'm not. I'm not the whole picture, my life is part of God's infinite plan. When I preach, I will preach God's message, nothing else. When I help, I will help with a servant heart. When I work with the disadvantaged, I won't let myself get irritated or depressed by them. I will keep a smile on my face. I will love from the center of who I am, I won't fake it.

I will run from evil, and cling dear to good. I will be a good friend who loves dearly, and put others before myself. I'll keep myself fueled and aflame so I won't burn out. I'll be an alert servant of the Master, cheerfully expectant. I won't quit in hard times, but will pray all the harder.

I will help needy Christians, and practise hospitality, feeding those I meet who are hungry, and giving a drink to those who thirst. I'll bless my enemies, and give up cursing under my breath. I'll share laughter with my friends when they are happy, and tears when they are down. I will try and get along with everyone, and make friends with the nobodies without making myself a big somebody. I'll learn not to hit back, but instead discover beauty in everyone. I'll let God do the judging, and just try to get along with people. I'll try not to let evil get the best of me, but overcome that evil with good works. By the grace of the Lord God, through whom all things are held together."

Praise

N.B. Sometimes you just can't find the words to describe how you feel, and that feeling inside eats away at you day by day. Sometimes, it takes so much just to look up, and see the caring eyes that are watching you. Sometimes it takes more strength to admit you're struggling, than to battle on through single-handedly. But in all times He is near. And this I know: my God is faithful.

"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

Job 1: 20 - 21

Fleeting

N.B. I guess it is in the darkness that the stars shine their brightest. I attempt here to lay down the things that I have been clinging to this week.

Last week I attended the celebration service of Robin Bose, who was a dear husband, father, uncle, brother and son to some very amazing people. The service was a beautiful tribute to someone who lived life to the full, grasping each moment as precious and leaving a legacy that will be held dear in many years to come. As members of his family spoke about what they remember him for, and shared the dear memories they had of Robin, I found myself connecting with their pain and sharing in their grief; and even though I did not have the privilege of knowing Robin personally, I was greatly affected by his attitude and spirit for life that was so apparent through their words.

I was inspired by his faithfulness to God, despite impending suffering and a realisation of death, his fighting determination to believe in his ultimate reward in heaven, no matter what troubles he would encounter here on earth. His favourite psalm was Psalm 116, a song of praise about God saving someone from their desperate place of suffering. To read those words, in the light of knowing Robin’s story, was amazing. What a testament to one man’s faithfulness to God!

We all experience hard times. None of us are exempt from suffering, it has no favourites. It affects the richest and the poorest, the foreigner and the native, the free man and the slave, the old and the young. But each of us has a choice in our times of trial. In those darkest nights, do we keep our heads down and lurk amongst the shadows. Or do we turn our faces skyward, and look for the stars? If you have ever had the patience and the endurance to lay out under the vast blanket of darkness and wait for your eyes to adjust, you may have seen a shooting star. They are not common, but they are ultimately beautiful, lasting only a few seconds, and yet they shine brighter than all the other stars.

When we experience difficult times, there will be people around us who will be affected by the way we choose to deal with things. There are people in our lives who look to us, who learn from us, as we do from them. We are all affected by the people in our lives who we are close to us, and some of us are affected by people who don’t even know our name. I love the Orange adverts that talk about the different people in someone’s life that have made them the person they are today. There are many people in my life that I have paid tribute to. Some know what they have meant to me, some don’t, and some never will. Some of those people are my close friends and family, some are people I have met. A select few are people, like Robin, whose time in my life lasted only a few seconds. And yet, they are sometimes the people who shine the brightest.

And one of those people is Jesus. He was someone who cared so much to be in my life, that he gave his own. When I read Psalm 116 now, it means so much more to be, because of the memory of Robin that lives on in my mind. And it inspires me to look up, and to see where my hope lies. God is good. Can you see it?

No matter what we’ve been through in our past, it is a testament to God’s faithfulness that we are here. We have made it to this moment, this time. No matter how fleeting our experience with God may have been, He wants to meet us in this moment. He wants to uphold us in his love. He wants to forgive us of the things we have done wrong. He wants to shower us with love and mercy. He wants to lavish his grace upon us. He wants to dry our tears and heal our wounds. We just need to have the patience and the endurance to lay out beneath the vast blanket of darkness and allow our eyes to adjust. The shooting stars are there.

Flying

N.B. I've had a really rewarding week, although, struggling through it, I don't think I realised it so much at the time. There have been so many times when I have felt, what? What are you doing God? But I guess that is the art of reflecting back on what God's been doing. You can appreciate the small things that you didn't realise were going on at the time. I guess that's all I ever do on this blog really. Hope you don't mind. :)

A really close friend of mine, wrote this on his blog recently:

"The thing about flying is you have to jump off the ledge. In order to glide upwards on the currents and eddies you must hurl yourself headlong into the abyss and believe that underneath are the everlasting arms.

A mother eagle does not teach her chicks to fly bit by bit. She simply kicks them out of the nest. Often God is more gentle with us, but often He wants us to do our bit of the growing too."

When I read that, I was blown away by how much it was speaking into my life, and teaching me a lesson that I now realise God really wanted me to learn. To jump off the edge occasionally, instead of constantly being shoved, kicking and screaming the whole way. Recently, I had a few deep conversations with people in which I have expressed my concern for returning to the "abyss" from which I have come, (not my words.) It's something me and God have been fighting over for a good month or so now, and so far I had been resisting, petrified and unsure of what would result. But when I read Matt's blog in the light of the conversation I had had, I realised that this was something God was really serious about me doing. It was time to hurl myself headlong into it, as Matt puts it, and just trust that God wouldn't let me fall too far. Rather, He would uphold me and sustain me at the right point, until the time was right.

So that's what I've been doing, and ya know, its not too bad down here. A tad lonely at times, but I guess that's no more so than normal. And I'm learning, from the darkness. And I'm appreciating the small snippets of light that shine through to me. And although I don't fully understand why I'm here, and how long this will last, I am trying to make the most of it. Life was never supposed to be easy. So I have no complaints, Praise God.

East

N.B. This has been a strange kind of week for me, and probably for a good few around me. But the more I reflect back on it, the more I appreciate the need for the world to hear about Jesus, and to know his love and acceptance for themselves. To experience it in all its fullness and truth, to live it in my words and actions, to "love it out" in the everyday people that I meet. So much of the time recently, I have been experiencing for myself a personal darkness. But in that, I am learning to appreciate the magnificence of the dawn, and the hope that Jesus brings of salvation. I learn to stand by my friends, and to be sensitive and tolerant towards them in their pain, and to put my troubles in perspective with theirs. And maybe most importantly, I learn to look up when I need to be looking up, and trust whole-heartedly in the God who has my best interests at heart.

This is a quote that is painted on the roof of the counselling hut in my old senior school. I always thought it had beautiful words, but maybe never realised how much so until now.

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year

'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'

And he replied,

'Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God

That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!'

So I went forth and finding the Hand of God

Trod gladly into the night

He led me towards the hills

And the breaking of day in the lone east.

So heart be still!

What need our human life to know

If God hath comprehension?

In all the dizzy strife of things

Both high and low,

God hideth his intention."

Minnie Louise Harkins 1875-1957

Refresh

N.B. So the summer is officially over and its back to Southend and back to work! Wahay!

I am very glad to be back home. Its been a very long six weeks. Things are starting back a little different, I'm in a new house, (new in the non-physical meaning of the word...) with a new perspective, and most of all a new attitude and a willingness to stick it out with God for another year. I have definately come back this year feeling a little different to the person I was before. Maybe the time away has made me realise how precious every moment in life is. Maybe I learnt something over the summer after all. Maybe I'm just learning to see things a little differently.

In the first week back, I learnt that openness is sometimes necessary to move forward. I shared some really deep, personal things with some friends of mine, and through their responses, learnt to be more willing to accept others kindness as something other than hostile. I learnt to trust people with things that I refuse to talk about. I learnt that not everyone in the world is out to make you feel insignificant. And that some people care about you just for you, and not for something you have done or something you will do for them.

I guess thats a lot to learn in the first week back at placement. But I am glad that I am learning it. I am glad that I have two extra people with whom I can journey through things with. I am glad that friendships are a two way thing, and that openness begets openness.

Over the summer, I was struggling with a number of issues from the past that God wanted me to go over, to re-experience (so-to-speak) in order to move on from them. Some have been a lot easier to journey through than others. But that is the pathway I am on. I know that being a Christian is not supposed to be an easy life, but that God will travel the highs and the lows with me. And luckily, he has put some people in my life that will also experience that rollercoaster with me. So I am glad, that the first week back was as it was. Because it has challenged me to travel along a road I am not comfortable travelling down. And in that uncomfortableness, I will learn to lean upon God more than ever.