Loneliness/Being Alone

I’ve talked about this before, but on days like this, where the only person I spoke to face-to-face was through a fence, I realise how isolating living alone can be. I’ve lived alone before. (And lived with people that I barely saw day-to-day.) But in Essex, it was different. I was on home-turf. Living in your home town, with those friends you’ve grown up with, whose parents know you and practically treat you like one of their own, where you can drop by their place any time of day and they’d welcome you in and tell you to help yourself to a drink. They understand you and your family. They get the weirdness and uniqueness and the quirkiness of you, and accept it without question. Those streets where even the benches have memories attached to them.

But the world is bigger than that, and as much as I miss it and miss my friends, I’m glad that I listened to God’s quiet whisper and ventured out into the wider world. Nowadays, I eat 90% of my meals sitting in bed watching a DVD. I can go a full 24 hours without seeing or speaking to another human being. Most of my in-depth and meaningful conversations happen via social media and text. And most nights I sneak away to a pretty place to watch the sunset/city lights on my own. When you see it written down, you might think that I lead a pretty lonely life. And in some aspects, that’s true. But in others... I’ve never been more free in all my life. No regrets.

Choosing Me.

Last week I made a decision to walk away when I could have kept trying. I chose to put myself first where I could have allowed my own feelings and hurts to sink beneath the surface in order to spare the other person. I chose to stand by the way I felt rather than apologise for it. I chose to put myself first, when usually I would have done the complete opposite.

And that could have left me feeling guilty and selfish. But this time I knew I needed to do it. I needed to take the advice that everyone has been giving me since the day I left hospital. I needed to prioritise my own recovery - even if it went against every belief and instinct in my body. And maybe that meant I wasn’t there for others when I would normally have been. But this week, where sleep and alone time have been largely the norm, my body thanked me for it. And I can’t apologise for that. I can’t apologise for being who I am. For saying the truth and choosing to put my own mental health and emotional wellbeing above everyone else’s for once. I’m sorry if you got hurt. I’m sorry if you didn’t like what I had to say. But I’m not going to apologise for being me. I’m not going to apologise for choosing myself for once. Because I never do. 

Anyone who knows me well knows that about me. They’ve been telling me to do it for months. But I’ve always put others needs and wants ahead of my own; because I believed it was the right thing to do. But now I’m tired; no, I’m exhausted. I’ve been sleeping 12-14 hours a day this week. And I still feel like I need to sleep more. I’ve had no energy. And I’ve cried; oh how I’ve cried. And mostly, I’ve been alone. But that’s okay. It’s okay because it’s what I needed to feel and what I’ve needed to be. And for the first time in a long time, I’ve actually felt free - free to do what I needed to do to aid my recovery. Because I’ve not felt responsible for anyone else’s. It’s not my job to keep anyone else going. I’m no longer obliged to bury my own hurt and my own wishes for the sake of other people. 

So that’s how it is. I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt. But I can’t apologise for doing what I needed to do to get through another week. I hit breaking point and I needed out. I needed time. I needed to walk this part of the journey alone. And I needed to learn the hard lesson, that the only person that can be responsible for your life - is you. I can’t be responsible for yours and you can’t be responsible for mine.

Honesty.

Honesty. How much is too much? I’ve been thinking about this so much recently, because often when I’m in a bad place, people will ask me a question and want me to “be honest with them” about how I’m feeling, but it doesn’t always end up being the best thing for me. So I hold back the whole truth, and I give a generic overview; the tip of the iceberg, if you will. Not sure if it’s my BPD, INJF-ness or my autistic traits but I just really struggle with generic questions like, ‘how are you?’. My brain won’t compute an answer in the socially accepted time-frame within which to answer so I say, “fine” or “yeah I’m okay.” If you want to know something direct you’re much better off asking me a direct question.

It’s certainly no secret that since getting out of hospital I have been really struggling, wishing things could be different, wishing I could somehow understand the mess my head is in. I cry at the smallest things. I cry at the big things. I feel alone and yet I’m surrounded. I feel overwhelmed and empty and every day I just hope and pray that something might suddenly just click into place; that I might begin to feel a little bit more normal.

I know I need to give myself time, to rest and recover, to give therapy a chance, to hold on to hope and love and peace that might one day drop back into my life. But it’s hard. It’s so hard.

So I just wanted to say thank you. So many of you have encouraged me and been praying for me and have been ever so patient when I just haven’t been able to do the things I normally would have. Maybe you were one of those people who asked how I was and didn’t feel like you got the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I’m sorry.

And I’m so thankful for this Insta feed. Morgan Harper Nichols posts speak so loudly to me. I read them all the time to remind myself to let grace abound and to let myself breathe. To trust that the light will break through the darkness and grace pours in day after day. Because honesty, though it might not be perfect, it is a beautiful thing.

Faith Pt 1

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that there are some situations that can’t be changed. Moments that once missed, are gone forever. Events that will play out no matter how much you try to avoid them. Conversations that once had, can never be forgotten. And no amount of wishing and hoping can change it. Time is fleeting.

Opportunities are as permanent as the clouds in the sky. The sun rises and the sun sets, and life goes on. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many emotions and situations I wish I could leave behind.

At the start of this week, I was so eager to hear the gentle whisper of God’s voice. Maybe He would speak into my soul and remind me of my unique place in His creation. Perhaps He might remind my inner being how much He loved me. Maybe He would heal me or release me of the immense pain I feel inside. Or fill me with supernatural peace and calm that comes only from above. It didn’t happen.

So now, as this week begins to stumble into the past, I am feeling rather disappointed. The opportunities have passed, I will never live this week again. What’s done is done. I have no idea how to feel, or even to describe the darkness that eats at my core. Everything happens for a reason, though right? Or maybe everything just happens, and we try, in our humanness, to find meaning in it. A year ago, everything was so different. A year ago, I was so different. So I guess, all things considered, no matter how fleeting time is, its effect is seen, felt, and experienced, in the moments like this.

React.

I wonder how you react to bad news. Are you someone who immediately worries about others, or how you will be affected, or the sadness of the situation? Maybe you are quick to empathise, or quick to try to solve?

Me? I tend to internalise everything I hear. I often need a while to process news before I can begin to unpack how I really feel about it. It’s like I have an internal carousel, and every time something happens the news jumps on the carousel, except I have no idea when it’s going to get off again. And while it’s going round and round in my head, I make assumptions about the world and the people in it. So certain things will set off an internal chain-reaction that make me appear to over-react to something others think is insignificant. It’s a massive part of my illness and it’s only recently that I’ve realised how much I do it.

So, I have to apologise if in the past I’ve over-reacted (or under-reacted) to some news. Perhaps I wasn’t quite ready to process. Perhaps I was over-processing something that spilled out when I heard what you were saying. Perhaps there were just too many things on the carousel, and lots got off at the same time. I’m sorry. There is so much going on inside my head that you will never see. I hope you can be patient with me.

Choice.

I made a choice yesterday to take some practical steps towards recovery. It wasn’t easy - it had been a long and stressful day and my mind was working on overload. But I knew that I had to take control. I had to choose well-being in the midst of agonising anxiety and uncertainty. Because I didn’t choose to get ill. I didn’t choose to experience some of the things that I have had to experience. And I know that a lot of my friends who also suffer with mental illness have also been through horrible situations that were neither their choosing nor their fault.

But today, this moment, we have a choice. Some choose to let anxiety and worry and pain take over. And there is no shame in that. Sometimes you feel like you don’t have the strength to fight against it. But if you can, if you can find within yourself the strength to choose life over death, joy over pain, hope over despair, then you can make it. Choose to take steps, however small, walking or perhaps even crawling, on that road of recovery. You do not walk that road alone. There is hope ahead, my friend. Be kind to yourself. Believe that no matter what you’ve been through, it is not your fault and you can choose to get well again. We’ve got this. 💚

Not Giving Up.

Being totally honest:

Life is hard right now.

Having a mental illness is hard.

Making decisions is hard.

Dealing with difficult situations is hard.

Supporting friends and loving them right is hard.

Not having the time or energy to see my beloved family is hard.

Not having a job or the ability to do a job is hard.

Not having enough money in the bank or food in the cupboards is hard.

Waiting for therapy and dreading it at the same time is hard.

Not getting enough sleep at night and being too tired each day is hard.

Knowing people who were once my friend but now don’t know how to talk to me is hard.

Missing out on events because I just can’t face being there is hard.

Wanting to do things, then freaking out last minute and staying in bed is hard.

Dealing with my emotions and thoughts and feelings and anxieties is hard.

Knowing there are very few people who understand how I feel right now is hard.

That’s the truth. But you know what? This time, I’m not gonna give up. I’m not going to become a statistic of mental illness. Cause you know what? It might be hard but I’m strong. And my God is stronger. So no matter how hard life gets, or how much I struggle, I may not be standing but I will lay face down on the Rock that never breaks or falters. And one day, I will stand.

Free

N.B. If I'm entirely honest I have no idea why I have chosen today of all days to write a blog. It's been pretty uninteresting.

I can't believe it's been so long since I have poured my mind out on here. Way back in August, when I took the kids to Soul Survivor, I was in a particularly vulnerable place. I had completed a week of mission at the church I work for, and it had been an absolute success, but the effort of spending so much time around so many people had really taken it out of me. I spent a week in bed/ not doing much in order to recover and then whipped off to Soul Survivor with a load of teenagers ready for God to do some awesome stuff. I always have that expectation at Soul Survivor, no matter how wrong it is, that something will connect with me (or with the young people) more so than a normal church service or bible study or spending time with Christian friends. Everything just seems so much... more.

Anyway, the theme of the week's teaching was about friendships & relationships (with God and with others). At first it didn't particularly strike me or affect me but there was one particular moment, during the ministry time in one of the evening sessions that got to me. I tend to try and keep my own emotions and feelings in check when watching over the teenagers, but this particular moment I could do nothing but curl up into a ball on the floor and cry my heart out. I was touched by young people (past and present) coming over to pray for me, but it was then in that moment that I decided to trust in God to heal me of the thoughts, feelings and mental health issues I had been having up until that moment in my life. I wanted so much to rid myself of all the darkness that clouded my soul, wanted God to shine a torch into all my dark places and just clean everything out. I made a decision, however wisely or not, to stop taking my anti-depressant medicine that had over previous months worked it way up to the maximum dose. I felt I just needed to trust.

My lack of withdrawal symptoms for the first few weeks I took as a sign I was doing the right thing. I enjoyed two whole weeks with Dan, adventuring in the Lake District for a week, and then seeing friends and family in and around Essex. When September 1st came around, I thought I was prepared for whatever the world was going to throw at me. How very wrong I was.

Things at work and home quickly got stressful, upsetting, and a number of things threw me off the track I thought I was sailing down. My so-called recovery ground to a gut-wrenching halt, and I was suddenly taking tender baby steps each day, just to keep myself from going back to relying on drugs to keep my mood stable. The withdrawal symptoms I had experienced last time I stopped taking my medication came thick and fast, broken sleep, exhaustion, vivid dreams, tearfulness... I began arguing with everyone and anyone, I started taking everything personally, because sensitive to everything, and once again began crying to myself whenever I was alone. And still I put off going back to the GP. I had, in the summer, planned to go back to her and announce myself cured by the power of the Almighty. All of a sudden, the doubts began to creep in, and I found myself more than once heading towards the GP surgery to make an appointment before dragging myself home to bed again. I decided I would wait until this darkness had passed, and I was truly better, before going back. 

A month later, and the improvements have been slow. The symptoms of depression have slowly taken over the withdrawal symptoms, and no matter what I do to try and motivate myself, every day is a struggle. My bad moods are a vicious cycle, causing me to withdraw from many around me, which makes me feel worse, which makes me less likely to want to spend time with people. I have been forced to make some decisions that have made me feel worse, but that I know are best in the long run. I have done some stupid things in lame attempts to make myself feel better. I have tried to guard my broken heart by avoiding those who may damage it further, but in doing so have cut out some special relationships from my life. I know only too well that anything good comes at a cost, and right now it is a cost I am not willing to take;  that I just can't afford to take.

I know He that is in me is stronger than these tears, these nightmares, this darkness that is drowning me. Every day when I wake up and feel the same heaviness sitting on my chest, I yearn for the peace that I know only God can give. I will not let go of my Saviour because the depression is shouting louder. It's hard. It's bloody hard. And I am not strong. I am a feeble, pathetic excuse for a human. But I will not let the doubts take me from me what He has promised. My prayer now remains the same as it was on that night in August - "Jesus, set me free."

Unemployment

(Or why I am not looking for another 'Youth Work' job.)

N.B. I apologise to any followers out there that 2012 has been rather quiet on the blog front. I had a Dissertation to write...

So the end of my full time Youth Ministry job came and went. Was I sad? Yes. I've poured five years of my life into that place and I'm ain't 'alf going to miss all of the beautiful children and young people that I had the privilege to journey alongside. But am I excited? Yes. God has a plan for my life, and I am finally free to "do" ministry the way I have felt God calling me to do ministry over the last few years. My time is free to help those in need, not just those who are 'my responsibility'. In just over two weeks time I am off to the Philippines... a place very close to my heart, and somewhere I have missed over the last two years. I shall spend 9 weeks there, revisiting old friends, helping in projects and being helped a thousand times over. I shall laugh, cry and sit with my Filipino brothers and sisters, listening to their stories and telling them mine. It is going to be amazing.

When I return, I am looking for a run-of-the-mill, boring, job. One that I can go home from. One that gives me enough money to get through the days, and perhaps save a little too. Something with little responsibility. Now, quite a few people (including the lady from the Job Centre and my Mum) think that I am being a complete idiot for not looking for a Youth Work job as I have just graduated with a BA (Hons) Degree in Youth and Community Ministry. However, there are four main reasons for this decision:

1) I have spent the last five years of my life as a FULL time Youth Minister.. whilst studying for a degree. That not only left very little time for a social life, but also has driven me slightly crazy. As a 23-year-old, I need to have a job, at least for a while, that allows me time to be myself, time to spend with my boyfriend, and time to do things that I want to do, like join a sports team, meet up with friends, see my family more. etc.

2) Being a FT Youth Minister carries a lot of responsibilities and pressure, things that don't really go away when you go home of an evening. I feel that I may have missed out on some normal 18-23year old growing up experiences (like learning to drive) and I would like a chance to do those before I gain any more responsibility.

3) I have come to realise that 'doing' youth work is not about your job. I have a passion for young people, and to be paid to spend time with them and guide them and befriend them feels a bit wrong. So whilst I figure the whole lifestyle/vocation thing out, I have chosen to step away from being employed as a youth worker. I will always be a 'youth worker' at heart... I'm just not sure I want it to be my job. I love young people. And I don't have to have a title to do that.

4) For the last few months I have felt God calling me to my life-purpose. Opening some kind of safe-house/orphanage in the Philippines. This requires a lot of research, patience and prayer, as I don't yet know the exact timings of when this will come to pass. I'm trusting God on that one... but feel that I cannot commit fully to a church or an organisation working with young people whilst my mind is 'out of this place' so to speak.

So there you are. Four reasons why I am not looking for Youth Work jobs. Until next time...

Ami x

Inside

N.B. The following blog is because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It’s a strange Christmas this year: partly because my family are scattered across the country/world, and partly because it is the first Christmas since as long as I can remember where I haven’t been to church at all in the week leading up to Christmas. This year I am far away from church on Christmas eve, Christmas Day, I haven’t even attended a Candlelit Carol Service. I guess that’s why it doesn’t feel so much like Christmas.

But then again – this Christmas has reminded me more of my childhood. Back to the days when Christmas was exciting. When Christmas traditions filled me with joy, and the laughter and lights of the holiday season brought us together as a family. Over the last week I have seen many of my family, aunts, cousins, grandparents and siblings. I have been able to get to know people on a much deeper level than their Facebook profile – get the heart of what makes people tick and the things that are really precious to them.

Amongst all that, I have taken some time off, and not felt the need to answer every call for my attention. I am a human who needs to recharge, needs to accept my own weakness and my own downfalls, and remember that family is important. I spend a lot of time putting my family second to the demands of youth work/church. But at Christmas, as ‘churchy’ a celebration as we like to make it, I have chosen to reverse that balance. Tomorrow I will spend time with my sister Laura and her husbands’ family. Boxing Day I will spend time with my siblings. And I will not regret the time that I did not spend at Church. For I worship a God who is bigger than the buildings we so often attempt to confine him in, and I will instead find wonder in the day of celebration for the child who was born into the simplicity of a stable.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,

and give you peace."

Merry Christmas everyone.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·      Now that all of the preparations are done – or at least now that there is no more time for any more preparing – stop, and find a place of quiet.

·  Be still. Get inside the Christmas story. Sit down. Make yourself smaller. In your imagination go  to Bethlehem. Bend beneath the lintel of the door of the stable and come in.

·       God comes to us in the vulnerability of a child. We can come to him in stillness. We can find him in silence. And Christmas can be put back together. And enjoyed.

“Christmas renews our youth by stirring our wonder. The capacity for wonder has been called our most pregnant human faculty, for in it are born our art, our science, our religion.” Ralph Sockman

Homeland

N.B. All of the following 3 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I have been thinking about the Philippines a lot recently. I mean, I think about it all the time, but I have been thinking deeply about it lots more than normal. I miss it so much that the core of my body actually aches some days. I look at photos to remind me of those precious memories – some that I have shared and some that I never will, but all of which I hold dear to my heart. Almost within the first few days of being there, the very first time, I felt as if I was finally at home. It is a hard feeling to describe to people, especially to people who feel that my home should be here in the UK, either with family or close friends. I do feel ‘at home’ in many places, but the feeling of my heart being filled with total peace and joy has only ever really occurred in the Philippines.

And as the season for sharing good times with loved ones is fully upon us, I can’t help but dream of the days that used to be… the days that could have been. I know, deep down, that my heart will never truly be settled in this country. And I’m not overly sure what I’m supposed to do about that. I have family and friends here. What a sacrifice I would be making, to move to the other side of the world. I cannot lie, and say that it has never crossed my mind. But I am hoping, in my heart of hearts, that if and when that time comes, God will help those I leave behind to be gracious, and understanding. I hope that he will give my life full purpose, so that I knew that I were not sacrificing in vain.

That’s all I’m going to say today. Lots to do, God bless everyone. x

“Another winter day has come and gone away,

In even Paris and Rome, and I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by a million people I

Still feel all alone, oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know”

[Michael Bublé – ‘Home’]

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·         What things bring you the greatest joy?

·         What moments in your life are so inexplicably wonderful that you cannot comprehend them without using the language of the soul, the heart, the spirit?

·         OK, so your heart is just a big muscle pumping your very necessary blood around your very mortal body; but it is also something else, something that cannot be defined or understood without another sort of language, that seems like an echo from another life.

·         Get out the mistletoe – who do you want to kiss?

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” Anne Frank

Decisions

N.B. All of the following 4 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Today is the three-year anniversary of when I became an Auntie. Happy Birthday Layla. I love you so much. xXx

Sometimes I wonder why so many spend so much time debating the rights/wrongs of believing in God. I just don’t get it. Wouldn’t it be much better if people made up their mind, and then lived according to their beliefs? If you do believe, especially in Jesus etc, then live like you believe, and if you don’t, figure out what you’re here for and live by that. If all the energy people spent arguing with others who don’t believe the same as them was put into solving world poverty, I pretty sure the world would be a much less povertous place.

So many people spend so long working out if they truly believe or not that they miss the life they could have lived in the mean time! As for me, I don’t want proof. Proof would deny the meaning of the faith that I have in Christ. I feel in my heart and my soul and the depth of my being that God is there, but that doesn’t mean that there are not doubts that cross my mind. At the end of a hard day, I sometimes wonder if I am wasting my life away. But there are hundreds of things that keep me going, that show me that even if God was false, it would not change the way that I want to live and love. Love is given meaning by God, and those who truly love experience God himself.

Anyway, I’m rambling. There isn’t really much I wanted to say today. Except this:

“My memory is nearly gone;
but I remember two things;
That I am a great sinner, and
that Christ is a great Saviour.”

John Newton (1725-1807)

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·         Will you go to church this Christmas and test out this hypothesis of love?

·         What for you are the biggest obstacles that get in the way of believing?

·         How might you be able to remove them? Who could help you?

·         What could you and your family do to find out more about the Christian faith?

“In Jesus the whole test passing, brownie point earning rigamole of the human race has been cancelled for lack of interest on God’s part. All he needs from us is a simple Yes, or No, and off to work He goes.” Robert Farrar Capon

Santa

N.B. All of the following 5 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I never really got the big deal about Father Christmas. I’m not sure how young I was, maybe 5 or 6 when I worked out that he probably wasn’t real. But it didn’t really bother me so much. I knew my parents gave me the gifts and I was thankful that I had so many things to open on Christmas Day, regardless of who they came from.

I think that believing in Santa changes the way a child approaches Christmas. They might write him a letter asking him for lavish gifts that their parents will then have to somehow acquire. They might make an extra-effort to be good in the belief that Santa is making his Naughty/Nice list. On Christmas Eve they might leave out milk and cookies, maybe even a carrot or two for the reindeer. They might even go to bed, good as gold, in the hope that when they awake their stockings will be full of wonderful gifts and toys. And when they wake on Christmas morning to a stocking full of presents, they will delight in ‘What Santa Brought!’ and believe that they merited such gifts with their good behaviour.

There’s not much wrong with any of that. But some children are taught about Jesus much the same as Santa – he’s someone you believe in when you’re younger but it doesn’t really affect how you life as an adult. Some might even believe that the good gifts they are given in life have been awarded because of their ‘good’ behaviour. But life isn’t that simple.

Believing in Santa, and believing in Jesus are two very different things. One of them is a timeless figure that remains through the ages; the other is a child who grows into a man. A man who heals the sick, feeds the hungry, and dies for the sin of the world.

“Enjoy the Father Christmas story with your children, and when they question it help them to leave it behind. But enjoy the story of Jesus as well. And when they question it, allow it to lead them forward. It can show them how to inhabit the world.” S. Cottrell

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Read the story to your children. There are good children’s Bible’s easily available.

·        Read the story yourself – but make sure you get a modern translation.

·        Enjoy the Father Christmas story, and invent a few weird family traditions of your own. Make a Smartie trail for your kids this Christmas leading from the foot of their bed to the presents under the tree, or a hidden present somewhere in the house.

·        If you don’t have one already, invest in a crib and give it the pride of place in the house, and light a candle by it in the evening.

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” Jesse Jackson

Leftovers

N.B. All of the following 9 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

“I remember someone saying they would like to discuss their spiritual live with me. ‘That’s fine,’ I replied. ‘Please make sure you bring your credit card statement with you.’ They were slightly taken aback. ‘It was my spiritual life I was hoping to discuss,’ they began. ‘Well,’ I explained, ‘whether we like it or not, what we do with our money is the clearest possible indicator of what we think our spiritual life is actually about.”

Yesterday at College the 2^nd years were discussing the whole idea of giving and possessions. I was in one of the study rooms when one of the learning groups came and joined us as they had been sent off to discuss a few questions. I remember studying that topic last year, and being somewhat of a devil’s advocate. Not many of the class agreed with me then, and there is a real possibility that few of them ever will. Because what I believe challenges the lifestyle that so many 21^st century Christians live, and despite ‘subscribing’ to the views of Jesus church – few are prepared to actual live the lifestyle that we are called to.

Few are willing to live as radically as their beliefs would have you assume. That is not a dig at Christians who are not prepared to give up home comforts for the adventure of a gospel-lifestyle – I am sure they are gifted and show devotion to Christ in other ways. But it is a challenge – to realise that the comforts of today and tomorrow are nothing compared to the glory of forever. Some Christians would rather eat biscuits today, because they cannot wait a few years to visit the biscuit factory. (Stupid analogy but helpful in highlighting the point.) Jesus promises that whatever we give up in this world, we will be given, and more, in heaven. There is nothing that God has created that can give us greater pleasure than God himself.

So this Christmas, when you are buying things that you believe may enhance your life – think instead of giving the money to help others – and collect your reward in heaven instead.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·    Get out your credit card statement and your bank statement and see where your money actually goes.

·   Is there a standing order for charity? Or is charitable giving a matter of seeing what’s left over?

·    Make sure you give at least one gift to the poor this Christmas.

“Generosity isn’t measured by how much you give; but by how much is left over when you’ve finished giving.” Richard Inwood

Exterior

N.B. All of the following 10 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Christmas lights, they’re a thing of wonder aren’t they? As a child our house was always the most extravagantly decorated in the street, and probably the town where outdoor lights came in moderation for most of the busy, middle class families. But our house was like Santa’s grotto. My mum loved Christmas, and always viewed it much like a child – full of pretty objects, shining lights and colourful decorations that brought her joy. As a child our house was envied – plenty of festive spirit inside and out. (And yes, if you haven’t already heard – our Christmas tree was up for nearly 7 years.)

But as I grew older, and especially as I hit my mid teens, even I realised that the exterior of a house speaks nothing of the lives that are lived inside of it. Broken families lives are not made easier by the Christmas period – if anything they are more stressful. Plans of visits and time allocation for different relatives, trying to organise seeing both sets of families, knowing that things might be different and long-time traditions may be broken. Plus the stress of having money problems can cause tension between parents, especially if a relationship is already frayed.

Or perhaps someone is missing at the Dinner table who might have normally been there. Although Christmas is a time for families to get together, it is sometimes the time when those who are no longer with us are missed the most. Stories shared remind us of happy memories, but also the pain of loss.

The lights that surround us at Christmas time should also remind us of the future: the world that we are leaving behind for future generations to enjoy. In our urge to decorate our lives with comfort and luxury and festivities, we should not forget that is our children who will pay for our mistakes – it is our children who will live with the consequences of the things we do. So if we will not curb our selfish behaviour for our peers, perhaps we should for our children, and our grandchildren.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        Switch off the lights, or at least ration how long they are on for.

·        Buy those LED lights, and fill your house with those instead.

·   Christmas present problem solved – buy everyone energy efficient light bulbs and rechargeable batteries – and get some for yourself while you’re at it!

·        Work out your Carbon footprint – and resolve to reduce it. There are lots of resources on the Web for working our your Carbon footprint and offsetting your Carbon emissions, such as the UK Carbon Footprint project at www.carbonfootprint.com, or the Big Green Switch at www.biggreenswitch.co.uk

·  See the Church of England’s Shrinking Your Carbon Footprint campaign at www.cofe.anglican.org

·   Switch to a green energy supplier. Again, there are details on the Web and help in switching at websites like the Green Helpline at www.greenhelpline.com

“Unless we change the direction we are heading, we might end up where we are going.” Chinese Proverb

Binging

N.B. All of the following 14 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I’ve been tee-total for about 3 years now, and not really drunk alcohol much at all for the last 5. I’m not against alcohol, just don’t feel like I need it to have a good time, and I don’t like the person I become when I do have a drink, so about three years ago I decided that I wasn’t going to drink it any more – at all. It’s not really been that hard, I don’t like the taste of it and it’s far too expensive.

Christmas though, seems to be the season of alcohol-foods. Not only is nearly every traditional Christmas food drowning in the stuff, but people seem to think it is even more acceptable to drink it in copious amounts. Christmas office parties become rooms full of drunken, slurring and overly-familiar men and women, who will probably spend most of the following day sleeping off the hangover. I don’t know why people question my motives…

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Do a quick (and honest) self assessment: how much do you drink each week? How much do you depend on drink to fuel your social life?

• Reconsider the honourable and ancient tradition of the fast. This was what the period leading up to Christmas used to be about: we did without things in order to learn what is truly essential and to appreciate them more when we enjoyed them again.

• The feast is far sweeter when it follows the fast.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol

Envy

N.B. All of the following 15 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is interesting that today’s reading in DNCIC is about advertising, and parents feeling the pressure to buy their children all the stuff they want but probably don’t need. I was shopping with a bunch of teenagers today. They were generally looking/buying stuff for their friends, but every now and again they saw some things that they thought were cool and expressed sudden strong wishes to have theme. If they had never entered those shops, never known about those things, would they have missed them? Not at all.

There is something in the human psyche that makes us want stuff we see. What is up with that? ‘Monkey see, monkey want’ comes to mind. Perhaps the ability to resist the urge to suddenly need everything you see comes with maturity. (And I don’t mean getting older, because there are plenty of 50-year olds that suddenly ‘need’ the latest phone/car/clothes/haircut because they’ve seen someone else with it.) Perhaps that is why God felt the need to include this kind of ‘wanting’ in the 10 commandments. “Do not covet your neighbours wife, or your neighbours donkey.” God knew what kind of trouble this envious longing for stuff that other people have would get us into trouble.

I don’t suppose many people in the developed world could get themselves into debt just by buying the essentials. They say the level of personal debt has risen dramatically in the last few decades. Instead of saving for things, people will buy on credit, and so begins the spiral of never ending credit-card payments, loans from the bank, etc. If you can’t afford the car – don’t buy it. If you can’t afford a fancy holiday abroad, don’t go. If buying that laptop means you can’t afford to buy food this week, sort your priorities out! If buying those fancy trainers means you can’t put money in the offering plate this week – what are you really valuing?

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of verses in the Bible that teach us about money and the issues it causes. I can’t help but thinking many Christians are so caught up in the monetary and consumer ways of the world that they don’t even see a problem with it. Let me put it this way – how many hours away from your family are you going to have to work to pay for those presents this Christmas? The greatest present we can give our family is time.

Stuff bought out of guilt will soon lose its uniqueness. Anything electrical you buy will be out-of-date by the time it’s unwrapped. If you want something to be ‘cool’ and popular – what kind of relationships are you building with those around you? That you have to be the best, with all the latest stuff? Good for you. The first shall be last in heaven.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Are you planning to give your children everything they want this Christmas except the one thing they need the most – which is you?

• Have you made time to be there for their nativity play, Christingle service or end-of-term show?

• Are you going to sit down with them and talk through what they really want for Chrsitmas?

• Do nothing together. Idle away some time, fold up some paper and make some snowflakes to stick on the window; bake some mince pies together; plan some silly games to play at Christmas. Conversation often flows best when you are happily muddling away together at something like this.

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson



Meaning

N.B. The following is apparently the Purpose Driven declaration, by Rick Warren. I found it on a piece of paper in my memory box, read it, and decided yeah! That's it. That's what I'm doing! So even though I could probably quite easily copy and paste it from the internet, I'm not going to. Because I mean every word, I'm going to type every word.

"Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering, I've made my choice, the verdict is in, and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!

I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.

Since my past has been forgiven, adn I have a purpose for living, and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.

Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.

I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back down or back slide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, living on purpose, and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything God entrusts to me.

To my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I say, "However, whenever, wherever and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is YES! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord: whatever it takes! I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say: "Well done thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"

So there you have it! It's gonna be hard, uncomfortable, and painful, but boy, it is going to be worth it! Praise God!!

Enough

N.B. Just finished reading this book: Enough by John Naish. Absolutely excellent book that deals with many of the issues surrounding the culture of consuming and gaining more-more more in everything we have  - and gives practical advice to people who have realised that what they actually have is 'enough' and no more is needed - or even people who don't know how to reach the point of 'enoughness' and instead spend countless amounts of time, money and energy continually searching for fulfillment in stuff, information, status, work etc.

The only thing that would make this book better for me is if the guy who wrote it brought in a stronger Biblical reference - many of the things he says are theologically sound, but as a pro-evolution non-Christian sometimes there is too much evolutionary talk and not enough humans taking responsibility for their own actions and acting the way that God has commanding us. I'd love to meet this guy and chat through the deeper meanings of many of the things he says, and get a better understanding of where he thinks the place for faith and the Bible have in the lifestyle that he promotes.

Anyway, I have begun to sort through the stuff that occupies nearly every space available in my flat. That might sound like  I have a ridiculous amount of stuff... I actually don't, but I definately have more than I need. I sorted through my memory box and actually ended up throwing half of it away. I actually find it more rewarding to have empty space than to have boxes full of things that I don't need. And, for most of my sorting I was joined by next door's cat who whenever I have the patio doors open gets confused about where he lives and comes and explores my flat, meowing loudly everytime he comes across something he's not seen before. Bless.

Resurrected!

N.B. So it has arrived: the end of another year. And what a year it has been! If I care to look back to the start of the year, and how promisingly it started, I vowed to look at situations more positively - and yet all that ensued was plenty of crappy situations. Maybe that was the challenge. Maybe I failed.

I don't know what 2011 will bring. I don't even know if I am going to make it past tonight. But God-willing, whatever happens, I vow to love and laugh more. Maybe listen more and speak less. Learn more and judge less. Help more and hide less. I have high hopes for my time left on earth. Not for me, but for ways God will use me to teach others about Him. I want to walk in the light, wholly sure that no matter what happens, God is at my side.

This time last year I was striving to leave my past behind - ashamed of so many things that I had done. But now, it's time to embrace those things, learn from them, and move on. Those things happened, and they made me into the person I am today. I cannot change them, cannot erase them, but they did make me who I am, and so for that, I am grateful for them. I believe I am stronger because of them, I have more understanding of the world, a greater ability to journey with others going through simular situations. Comfort as the Lord has comforted me.

I don't want 2011 to be a year of regrets, but of seized opportunities; not of selfish choices but of demonstrationis - real and alive - of what God wants for His people. I believe that it is time the Church stepped up to the plate, and began to deliver the message of love, hope and peace that the broken need to hear. It is no longer a time to point the finger at specks in the eyes of "sinners", but to remove the great log of hypocrisy that has been crippling the Church for centuries. Isn't it time that Christians stood more readily at the heart of Resurrection - rather than crucifying the masses for living publicly what so many of us live behind closed doors?

James 1:22 says do not simply listen to the word, DO as it says. Jesus himself commands us to love God, love others, love self. To love our enemies and to stand out from the crowd like a light shining in the darkness. That means no more fitting in to a society that oppresses the poor and the vulnerable to keep the powerful in charge. No more accepting the status quo that shouts down all those who do not conform. No more bowing to the easy way, but treading the path of righteousness, however dangerous and hard it is. Let's start standing for justice, peace, love acceptance in a real, vibrant and public way. Let's breathe the life of Jesus back in to our communities, our streets: our neighbours. Let's breathe the life of Jesus into our families, our children, our schools, and our churches! Let's stop yearning for the glitter of shiny material objects, and allow our hearts to discover the Glories of the heavens! For I believe there lies a treasure far greater and far more sustainable than anything you may have got for Christmas.

I am not perfect, in fact, far from it. But I know that I am nothing without God. I have no value, save for that in Christ. Alone, I am enslaved to sin, but by the blood of Jesus, I have been set free. And so I may not have everything figured yet, but that doesn't matter. I am a traveller on a journey. I may not yet have fully grasped what it means to love my enemies, I may not yet have grasped what it means to love God. But I sure as hell want to find out, because I'm resurrected! I'm alive in Christ.