IN!

"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

See that little two letter word there - “IN.” You might not even have noticed it. Some Bible versions don’t have it. But I have always maintained that the ‘IN’ is the most important word in the whole verse. It creates faith that is more than on the surface, faith that can anchor itself through the harshest of storms. Because whatever situation I’m in, or have been in, I know that God; if it is His will; can change it. But I also know that it doesn’t mean He will. Trusting in God means we have to trust that He knows better than us, even when we might disagree.

In the past, I’ve certainly been the victim of people mis-quoting Bible verses at me, and I don’t even know why. Telling someone that the situation they’re in wouldn’t happen if they had more faith, or that God won’t allow them to suffer, doesn’t create a deep spirituality based on a foundation of God’s truth. It creates false faith that withers and dies when the going gets tough. It creates a faith that doesn’t understand and blames God when suffering occurs. I’m glad that I’ve learnt over the years that suffering doesn’t negate a loving God, because God’s heart breaks when one of His children’s does. So no matter what pain and hurt and heartache I experience in life, I can and will trust in a loving, faithful God, who will work IN all things, and through all things, for the good of my eternal soul.

Heartbroken

N.B. I have just returned from a trip to Soul survivor with some young people, during which I must have cried more in that one week than I have done all year. This is what got me thinking about this blog, and the thoughts I have had since I share now.

Many times over the last few months I have looked at the life I am living and thought about how blessed I am. I have come to really appreciate the small things in life that allow you to let worries slip away from your mind, appreciate the friendships that allow you to feel like you can face the world, appreciate the relationships that make you thankful for each day, having a job, that pays just enough so that you don’t have to constantly worry about your bank balance, the home that you can feel comfortable and relaxed in, the family around you that although you don’t always get on with, you are grateful that they are around. And the church that you go to without having to think about what you’ve forgotten to do, the friends that encourage you, the members that are grateful for you and appreciate you for who you are AND what you do. I have all of these things and more in my life.

And yet, at Soul Survivor, I found plenty of reasons to cry. But this year, there was a difference in my tears. I have been to SS eight times now, and many times I have cried because of fear, disappointment, worry, hurt, pain and the unknown. But this year, I cried for the pain of others, the disappointment of others, the unknown that others face, the worry and hurt that others experience. I cried when I heard the heart-wrenching stories of young people living in pain.

I cried for the millions across the world who live in slavery and entrapment. I cried for the children dying of hunger and thirst. I cried for the women and children sold into the sex trade. I cried for the thousands of Christians who have been attacked, threatened, imprisoned, forced to flee their country or even killed for their belief in Jesus. I cried for the children who have lost parents. I cried for the parents who have lost children. And I cried in anger at how unfair it was that so few of us (globally) live with plenty, when so many more go without.

Last year at Soul Survivor, I pleaded with God to break my heart for the things that broke his. And this year I realised that He had. Despite how blessed my life is, I am utterly heartbroken. My heart has been torn in two, trodden on, crushed, split and is bleeding for the pain of this world. Just like Jesus’ heart is. And this heart-ache has no cure on earth. Because until the last tear is wiped away from the last hurt and broken child of this world – my heart will remain broken. I can no longer live a single day in ignorance of the pain and the suffering of this world. The problem is no longer someone else’s problem – it is mine. And it is no longer someone else’s job to fix it, it is mine. And there is no longer a future time to do something about it. That time is now.

And that doesn’t mean that I know all the answers or I know what I’m going to be doing about it. All I know is that I am going to be paying attention to the opportunities God gives me to help someone. Anyone. Because there are plenty of opportunities, aren’t there? Some of us chose to ignore them, to walk on by, to ‘do it another day’ or ‘another time’. But not me. Today is the day, and now is the time.

And God provided me with a chance to help someone about ten minutes after I walked through the door from Soul Survivor. I was smelly, sweaty, hungry and needed a nap, but the *knock knock* at my door put an end to all that. The poor don’t stop being poor when we are eating our dinner. The hurt and broken don’t stop being broken because we are tired and need a nap or a shower. So I breathed a deep breath, and I did all that I could in God’s strength, and afterwards I thanked God for being faithful. And for blessing me so much that I was able to bless others. 

And so, today, just like yesterday, the work begins. Every new day, a new opportunity to get back up on my feet, and search for the moment. It’s going to be an epic journey. Why don’t you come for the ride too? Ask God to break your heart for the things that break His. Allow him to show you what you can do to change the world. And be prepared for tears. God cries them for this world a lot. And now, so do I.

Ekklesia

Church. What's the first thing you think of? Boring, old-fashioned, big ugly building, weird Christian people who don't have any fun? Or perhaps you have more optimistic thoughts... Nice. Organic. Friendly. But even with these latter thoughts, where does our idea of church even come from? Why is it that we sit in rows and sing songs and read liturgy and baptise people by 'full-immersion'? Does our current idea of 'church' actually fit in with what the Bible tells us, or have we gone astray?

Perhaps the answer lies in it's meaning. In the original Greek texts of the New Testament, the word 'ekklesia' is what is substituted in English versions of the Bible for 'church'. But in ancient Greek, 'church' was 'kuriakos', meaning, 'of the Lord'. Therefore, when the original translators chose to substitute 'ekklesia' for 'church', there was a shift from the 'called-out ones' of 'ekklesia' to the 'of the Lord' people of 'kuriakos'.

Be that as it may, in name or meaning, what signifies that 21st Century churches deserve the reputation  of 'ekklesia' that is used to describe the disciples over 115 times in the NT? Paul and Silas had a reputation. They were 'trouble-makers' all over the known world (Acts 17:6). But what were they doing that had caused such uproar? Perhaps they were telling people to go to church, or to support the local Minister, or to be nice to their neighbours? No.

Paul and Silas were declaring that there was another king: Jesus. A king bigger than Caesar, a King that was building his Kingdom, a king that was at war! Paul and Silas were not advocating for churches, they were building God's Kingdom. And being part of God's kingdom means over-throwing all the other kings in the minds of the people and alienating them from the mental hold of the things that ruled their lives. They were calling people out of their differences to surrender their hearts and lives to the Kingdom where all who heard and believed would join as one community.

So where does this modern idea of 'church' come from? In effect, (without boring you with a very long lecture on church history) it grew, influenced by culture, from the moment Constantine legalised Christian worship in 313AD, until around 1950... (when it just got stuck.) Churches reflected the culture around them, strict, formal, controlled. No longer where Christian's the ones 'called-out' to follow Jesus, they were the ones that 'ventured out' on a Sunday morning. For many, faith bore no resemblance nor significance to everyday life.

Fortunately though, this was not true for everyone. There are many amazing men and women of God in British history that lived the message they heard and believed. At one time -  the church was at the forefront in societal change - providing hospitals, schools, food, shelter, clothing, care and love. It took the governmental institutions decades to catch up with what our forefather's were doing. But now? Many churches reject homosexuals whereas society has been accepting for years. Many churches reject divorcees though society has deemed it acceptable. Many churches demoralise women though they won 'equality' in society nearly 100 years ago. When did the Church stop leading the way in love, acceptance, grace and humility?

Have we become so scared that our values will be undermined by society that we have locked ourselves away in our brick buildings to sing our songs and say our prayers before creeping back into the world to join the crowd? Why are we afraid to stand for what we say we believe? Is God not big enough? Is Jesus' message not radical enough? Church should be about more than going out on a Sunday morning to sit in an uncomfortable pew in a building that is normally too cold or too hot, standing occasionally to sing a few songs half-heartedly, and listen to someone talk for half an hour before saying a few heartless prayers, stand around drinking average coffee and making awkward conversation and then go home, unchanged. 

Even if the preacher is particularly good, or the worship particularly pleasing, how long before you're back to your life, living the same way as always, buying non-fairtrade foods, unethical clothing, moaning about the bills and how expensive holidays are, fobbing off charity workers in the high street because you 'can't afford' to give, and yet had pre-ordered the latest child-laboured Apple product and enjoy the luxury of hot meals, new clothes, couple of holidays a year and Sky TV. Isn't anyone else fed up of the hypocrisy? We watch Man VS Food and we laugh, because it's funny to watch a man trying to eat ridiculous sized portions of food in an hour. But the deep sadness is that 21, 000 children died today because of starvation, unclean water and easily preventable diseases.

So I ask you this: If the 'ekklesia' of the 21st century are satisfied with being 'church', then what is the point?

Envy

N.B. All of the following 15 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is interesting that today’s reading in DNCIC is about advertising, and parents feeling the pressure to buy their children all the stuff they want but probably don’t need. I was shopping with a bunch of teenagers today. They were generally looking/buying stuff for their friends, but every now and again they saw some things that they thought were cool and expressed sudden strong wishes to have theme. If they had never entered those shops, never known about those things, would they have missed them? Not at all.

There is something in the human psyche that makes us want stuff we see. What is up with that? ‘Monkey see, monkey want’ comes to mind. Perhaps the ability to resist the urge to suddenly need everything you see comes with maturity. (And I don’t mean getting older, because there are plenty of 50-year olds that suddenly ‘need’ the latest phone/car/clothes/haircut because they’ve seen someone else with it.) Perhaps that is why God felt the need to include this kind of ‘wanting’ in the 10 commandments. “Do not covet your neighbours wife, or your neighbours donkey.” God knew what kind of trouble this envious longing for stuff that other people have would get us into trouble.

I don’t suppose many people in the developed world could get themselves into debt just by buying the essentials. They say the level of personal debt has risen dramatically in the last few decades. Instead of saving for things, people will buy on credit, and so begins the spiral of never ending credit-card payments, loans from the bank, etc. If you can’t afford the car – don’t buy it. If you can’t afford a fancy holiday abroad, don’t go. If buying that laptop means you can’t afford to buy food this week, sort your priorities out! If buying those fancy trainers means you can’t put money in the offering plate this week – what are you really valuing?

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of verses in the Bible that teach us about money and the issues it causes. I can’t help but thinking many Christians are so caught up in the monetary and consumer ways of the world that they don’t even see a problem with it. Let me put it this way – how many hours away from your family are you going to have to work to pay for those presents this Christmas? The greatest present we can give our family is time.

Stuff bought out of guilt will soon lose its uniqueness. Anything electrical you buy will be out-of-date by the time it’s unwrapped. If you want something to be ‘cool’ and popular – what kind of relationships are you building with those around you? That you have to be the best, with all the latest stuff? Good for you. The first shall be last in heaven.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Are you planning to give your children everything they want this Christmas except the one thing they need the most – which is you?

• Have you made time to be there for their nativity play, Christingle service or end-of-term show?

• Are you going to sit down with them and talk through what they really want for Chrsitmas?

• Do nothing together. Idle away some time, fold up some paper and make some snowflakes to stick on the window; bake some mince pies together; plan some silly games to play at Christmas. Conversation often flows best when you are happily muddling away together at something like this.

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson



Hypocrite

N.B. All of the following 23 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Why is it that everyone expects everything to be okay at Christmas? And that people spend so much time buying presents for the people they love rather than just spending all time they waste down the shops with them?

Why do so many people wonder why young people act so spoilt, selfish and individualistic when the adults of the previous generation act the same way? Spending money that you can’t afford on an expensive all-you-can-dream-of-gadget-phone because you’ve lied to yourself so much that you believe that you really need it and then not putting a single penny in the offering plate at church because you ‘can’t afford it’ is no less selfish.

No you don’t ‘need’ that 60-inch plasma screen TV, no you don’t ‘need’ that brand new car while the old one still works, nor that touch screen tablet computer, nor that £120 pair of trainers that were probably made by small child slaves… did you know that there are kids starving in the world? In fact, did you know that there’s probably a homeless guy sleeping not that far from where you’re reading this right now? Did you know there’s probably someone sitting near you in church worrying about how they are going to afford the rent this Christmas? If only we were all capable of opening our eyes and looking further than our own interests.

I’m not saying this because I’ve got it all sorted. I’m just more aware of how much of a hypocrite I am. I’m aware that there is major problems with the way I live my life compared to the way I should be living it. And I get frustrated when I look around at all the ‘Christians’ in churches who don’t seem to be aware of the issues, who appear to be able to sleep soundly at night, apparently content with their input in God’s wonderful plan for the world. That’s nice for them. But I’d rather live in the truth, knowing the suffering and striving to do something about it, than to sleep soundly in ignorance my whole life.

I’ve asked not to receive presents this year. And apparently that annoys some people. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I am just trying to learn how to live with less stuff this year, and it’s hard to do that when I am receiving a pile of gifts at Christmas. If anyone reading this is really desperate to get me a gift this year, buy me a book. There are hundreds of books I am dying to read, to help me to understand God, love and life better. Check out my Amazon wishlist.

Anyway, back to the book: DNCIC:

• Give everyone the same thing. Choose one book that you love and buy everyone a copy.
• Instead of spending a fortune at the shops – let alone the time and hassle – make everyone a jar of marmalade, or pick some onions. This could all be done in one evening.
• Agree with your family and friends that you will all buy and receive one present with an agreed price limit.
• Buy everyone a present from charities such as Christian Aid or Oxfam and help the world in the process. Contact www.oxfam.org.uk or www.christianaid.org.uk. And there are lots of other charities that offer ways of giving presents that help others.

“Please note: Christmas has been cancelled this year. Apparently you told Santa you have been good this year. He died laughing.” Anonymous.

Thankful

Whilst reading the 'Enough' book, it spends some time suggesting how modern people can break out of the pressure of desperately needing more and more things to be fulfilled. One suggestion is to learn to be grateful for things that we so often take for granted. John Naish (the guy who wrote the book) talks about the Three Beautiful Things blog in which the author writes each day about three things that she is grateful for. I've read a few entries and I really like the idea. It is similar to the daily thankfulness I tried last year, (when I used my FB status each day to give thanks for something instead of complaining about something), and also the 1000 Awesome Things blog which is also highly amusing.

Sometimes they seem really random, but I think that in learning to be grateful for that which we have, we un-learn the need to have 'more' in all areas of our life. So I thought I'd give it a go and see how I get on. I guess for me it all seems highly fitting in this time of 'reassessing' my needs - and learning to let go of so much that has made life comfortable over the 22 years, 3 weeks and 2 days that I have spent on this earth. So here goes.

Today I am thankful for:

Sunshine alarm clocks.

Both in my flat in Southend and when at home-home in Brentwood, an alarm clock is a rather over-rated thing, as Mr Sun will often do the job just as adequately. But there is something deeply warming about waking up to sunlight on your face that sets the day up to be something wonderful.

A Toddlers Secret Language

I love my niece. (Have I mentioned before?) In a year I have gone from being 'Amamama', to 'Ami-sh' to 'Amana', and I think I am at last Auntie Ami. But there is something about the time I spend with her that is refreshing, heart-warming, and most of the time, deeply hilarious. At only 2 years, 4 months old, she hasn't quite grasped the English language in all it's fullness (well, who has?) and so much of the time, conversations with her often require a great deal of guessing or bluffing. Today we had almost a ten minute conversation with me having absolutely no clue at all what she was saying. She didn't seem all that fussed. My bluffing must be good! Anyway, I love that when she says 'oooff-gho', I know she means 'Let's go!'

Cousins

Today I spent some time with my cousins, whom I haven't seen much of in the last few years, mainly because of me being away in Southend. Anyways, they're 12-year-old triplets that I used to love spending time with when I was younger, and today, I spent a few hours reminiscing with them and telling them all about funny little things they used to do. It was great fun. It's strange really though, having family whose parent is a sibling of your parent (meaning they grew up together) and yet often cousins have lifes completely different to yours. Anyways, it was so cool, spending time with these 12-year olds who I used to see really often, and realising all of a sudden that they are people who have their own ideas, opinions, but you have this weird deep connection, even though you haven't seen each other for ages... and you could actually have some kind of an impact on how they see the world. I mean, when I was their age, I looked up to the older cousins of the family, but I've never really thought that the Triplets might do that to me. In a way I hope they do, and I hope that I teach them something fantastic about the world. I dunno... It's something I'm thankful for.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna shut up now cause I've blogged more in the last few days than the last year altogether! May God bless you and may you learn something fantastic about His love for you this Easter.

Meaning

N.B. The following is apparently the Purpose Driven declaration, by Rick Warren. I found it on a piece of paper in my memory box, read it, and decided yeah! That's it. That's what I'm doing! So even though I could probably quite easily copy and paste it from the internet, I'm not going to. Because I mean every word, I'm going to type every word.

"Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering, I've made my choice, the verdict is in, and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!

I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.

Since my past has been forgiven, adn I have a purpose for living, and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.

Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.

I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back down or back slide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, living on purpose, and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything God entrusts to me.

To my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I say, "However, whenever, wherever and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is YES! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord: whatever it takes! I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say: "Well done thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"

So there you have it! It's gonna be hard, uncomfortable, and painful, but boy, it is going to be worth it! Praise God!!

Things

N.B. I've rediscovered my purpose for life, but reading this book: The 100 Thing Challenge by Dave Bruno. It's absolutely fantastic, highly recommended by me!

So, what's this all about you ask, and what on earth is the 100 thing challenge? Well, it is where an individual seeks to live for a certain period of time with only 100 possessions. Of course, it doesn't have to be an 100 thing challenge. It could be the 10, 25, 50, 75 or even 150 thing challenge. The number isn't important really. It's a personal challenge, with rules made up by yourself. Dave Bruno lived for an entire year with 100 possessions. I am going to do the same, if for no other reason than to keep it simple!

The rules for my challenge are as follows:

1) This is a personal challenge. The items on my list will be things that are entirely my personal possessions.

The purpose of the challenge is not to force my views upon anyone, but rather for myself to break free of any remaining constraints of consumerism that still occupy my spending habits. I will decide when the rules need to be loosened, or even broken.

2) Books. I am not intending to purge any of my books. This is for a number of reasons: 1) I have spent a lot of money buying them, 2) most of them are for college/work and the rest are for my own personal development, and 3) getting rid of them will serve no deeper purpose for breaking my consumerism habits as they are books I have bought to enhance myself, (many are ironically about consumerism) not because I think it will make me cool/trendy/ to keep up with the Joneses. So for the purpose of this challenge, I will be keeping 'one' library.

3) I will be counting my bed, chair and wardrobe on my list, but I will not be counting items such as 'fridge, toaster, cooker etc. Otherwise I would get to nearly 50 objects just by counting my cutlery, plates and kitchen appliances. I can assure you all, I do not have an addiction to buying kitchen equipment, and my cupboards are modestly filled with essentials. I am also not going to count items such as 'a screw driver, allen keys, tape measurer'. These will count as 'household items', needed for the times when I may need to change a fuse or measure something...

4) Some items will count in groups - for example, socks, pants, etc. This is mainly because it would be pretty unhygenic for me to live with limited amounts of underwear, especially as I live alone and could not fill a washing machine with only a weeks worth of clothes. I would therefore either have to walk around commando for the best part of a fortnight, or wash half-loads - both of which are harmful to the environment.

5) I have decided to keep one small 'memoribila box' in order to savour things that I have been given over the years by lovely friends and family, some of whom are no longer around. I assure you, none of these things will be items I myself have purchased, and I will be sorting through  and throwing away a great deal of the fairly large memoribila box I have currently.

6) Digital items such as Music will not count, as these are not possessions I can grasp (and many of which are bought for the benefit of the young people.)

7) Most people who buy me gifts will know that for this year, they are not allowed to buy me things. However, in case anyone can not resist this urge, I will allow myself 7 days from receiving the item before it will count towards my 100 things. In that time I will either need to give it away, give it back, or throw something else away in order to keep it.

8) Finally, I am allowed to buy new things. However, I always have to remain under the 100 thing total. If I am replacing something, I have to get rid of the original thing first before I get the new thing.

So, they are the rules. Now all I have to do is get down to 100 personal things before 1st August. Let the purging begin!

Innocence

N.B. Me and Jeni spent this last weekend away with South Green church, looking after the 2-4 year old's. I've come back exhausted. Our sessions focused on the different things that God loves us to do, including making joyful music, dancing, reading and being ourselves. Reflecting back on the weekend now, there are two events that I remember with a firm smile imprinted on my face, and a warm feeling in my heart.

The first occurred in Session 2, and after making streamers out of popsicle sticks and crepe paper, we have a little mini dancing session around the room while we played some upbeat -Doug Horley type - children's worship music. The kids loved this bit of the session, all of them tearing around the room, their streamers flailing behind them. I joined in eagerly, prancing around the room and encouraging those who were a little unsure what to do. I loved the freedom of it, being able to be silly whilst worshipping and not worrying about what the kids may think, because they were doing it too.

The second occurred in Session 3, and we are all sat round in a circle, waiting to listen to Jeni tell a story, when little Emily, just 3 years old, tells us she is going to read us a book. (The book in question is titled 'He Lives' and is a children's book of the trial, death and resurrection of Jesus.) Me and Jeni exchange surprised glances as even though the book has pictures, there are large sections of text that we were fairly certain Emily couldn't read. Even so, I exclaim, 'Oh, wow. Go on then, tell us all the story!"

We all sit quietly, as Emily, (bless her) confidently opens the first page of the book - a picture of Jesus and his friends in the garden of Gethsemane. "One day, some people were walking along in the forest..." She stops to turn the page, and there is a picture of Jesus standing on a balcony with the people down below shouting and waving their arms. She continues... "The people shouted 'Hooray' and the king shouted 'Hooray' cause it was a sunny day"... (Me and Jeni again exchange glances. We feel that she isn't quite gripping the storyline, but allow her to continue, giving excited feedback) ... the next page is a picture of people walking and on the top of the hill are three crosses... "And then they walked some more but got worried cause it might rain..."The story continues like this, Emily eagerly interpreting and explaining each picture to us, until she concludes "Then is was a sunny day. The End." We all give her a round of applause and thank her for reading us the story, and continue with the rest of the activities.

Afterwards I thought back on the dancing session, and how such an event would go down in church, and how a five (even twenty) minute talk on God loving it when we dance would more than likely have no effect whatsoever on the state of our collective worship. As I looked around the room, every child had a broad grin on their face - such a vast contrast to the faces of so many I watch worship. And sometimes, I really don't get that. The children I was working with are completely unaware of the vast pain and suffering that Jesus went through to pay the price for the wrong things they will do. And yet they were completely engaged and absorbed by singing songs and dancing to a God they don't really understand. Then why so many adults; who are much further along in their spiritual journey and able to grasp (albeit only a small part) the magnificence of Christ's death and resurrection; who don't express any joy whilst singing songs about it?

It's times like this when I realise why Jesus expressed such a keen interest in the children, and indicated that only those who become like little children would inherit the kingdom of God. Because kids are kids. Most of the time it's the adults I don't understand.

Wildfire

N.B. Arrived in Manila. Current location: Mall of Asia. (Apologies for the Jargon.)

I'm fairly tired, but becoming accustomed to the idea of spending my last week in the Philippines in Manila, Luzon. I enjoyed the last week, and was sad to leave Negros, but each ending brings a new beginning - and I have no reason not to believe that this week in Manila will be every bit as good as last week on Negros. Life is a journey, you know? You have to travel it to get the real experience. And I know sometimes it's scary, and sometimes it's hard, but at other times it's just brilliant!

The small things in life overwhelm me sometimes to the point of tears. But that's life, you know - you have to go with the flow and get on with what life throws at you. You cannot dwell on what is past, though the shadows sometimes creep up on you, you must live for the moment, the ever present Spirit that moves within you, stirring up emotions that make you cry and laugh and want to get out and fight the world! Fight the injustice! Heal the sick and feed the hungry - love the children that are the Children of God, love the children who don't know they are! That's what living life is about. Being a change in the world. Being different to every selfish Westerner that fails to look into these peoples eyes - like the frail beings that we once were. What other duties in life are there?

Life is short, we are a mere breath in the eternal lifespan of God, and if we blink, if we take our eyes from Him, even if just for a second, we could miss out on the most amazing thing to happen in all history of man. So we cannot afford to spare one moment complaining about circumstances beyond our control. God's got it in hand you know - He can do anything and everything that He wishes to!

Saying that, I myself have wasted many a long night fretting over who I was and where my destiny lay - the future is an awfully scary place, and so too, the past: a graveyard of living skeletons that are ready to drag any unsuspecting victim to join them in the shadows. That is why we must be alert to the workings of the evil one, and not allow him to get a foothold in our lives.

We must surround ourselves in humble grace, and love for our neighbours (that is those we come into contact with each day) so that we do not become beings of a selfish nature, but rather, beings of light and hope for those in dark existence, Bearers of the life that comes from a faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, a faith that is alive and burning, spreading like wildfire among our family, friends and those whom we meet, those whom God has sent our way so that they might be saved!

And of course, none of us are perfect. That is why we must all keep our eyes on the goal, the Mighty Saviour who redeems us in the darkness and brings us out into the light!

Satisfaction

N.B. I have realised this Christmas that I get immense satisfaction from helping other people to do stuff. (Please don't get into a debate with me about selfless acts...)

Yesterday at the churches Christingle service, I had Reuben sitting on my lap for the entire thing. And I enjoyed it. Because Reuben wanted to sit on my lap, he wanted to be close to me, he wanted to spend time with me. He's a great kid. And I love him to pieces. And like all the children that I work with, he has something unique, and something extra special about him. And by allowing him to spend that time with me, I made him feel extra special, even if it was only for a moment. And thats what I love about my job.

There have been times in my life when I haven't felt like I was worth anything. But now I know that God loves me just as I am because I am special and loved by him. And now I am working my hardest to ensure that each child that I work with also feels special, and loved by me and by God. I don't care much for Child Protection. (Don't quote me on that.) If a kid wants/ needs/ asks for a hug, I will give it to them. And yes, I know that Child Protection is for my protection as well. But that's a risk I am going to take. Because sometimes, children, sometimes people, just need to be hugged. (Shutting up now, before I get arrested or something...)

I generally don't like having time to throw away. I like to help people. To give people my time. Because in the past, people have given up their time for me and its made a big difference to my life. When I'm with people, I'm normally smiling, and messing around, (unless they're trying to have a serious conversation with me of course, cause then it would be entirely inappropriate...) Being able to make people smile makes me feel good. Helping people out makes me feel satisfied. Is that so wrong? So often in the past, I have found that all I have to give is my time, so if thats all I have to give, that's what I'm giving.

Anyone want some? Give me a call.
(Or preferably an email/text cause I don't like talking on the phone.)
xXx

Belonging

So after spending a few days at home, I realised that I've never felt more relaxed and at home than I do in Southend. And although I get on well with everyone here, and am enjoying my work, I feel its more than that. Its God's work in my heart, giving me a passion and a sense of belonging to the work that I'm doing. Everything I do confirms to me that I am in the place that God had intended me to be in.

When I think back to the way things turned out, it almost annoys me that I didn't realise how much God worked through the lead up to my application to Optimum. Although to me, it only started when I actually filled out the application - and then had to be almost forced to post it by Steve, really it started long before that. Back when I went to the SOLID weekends and spent time with the Viz volunteers, and the Taste band, getting to know about what work they did and how good that was. Back when Lindsay first came to our housegroup to talk about year-outs. That was all part of the bigger picture - that eventually I would apply to Viz-a-Viz, become a volunteer, and work for the glory of God's grace. And how wonderfully it has turned out!

Spending some time this week with my friends in Brentwood was great. I love them all and have missed them dearly. And I had a very privileged upbringing in Brentwood compared to some I've met in Southend, I don't deny that. But although the people I grew up with and spent time with have shaped me into who I am now, the ultimate change has come about through my strengthening relationship with Jesus. Almost as soon as I arrived in Brentwood this week, I felt, "I don't belong here." And I felt homesick for Southend. And yeah, I've only been here 2 months and I still don't know how to get anywhere beyond Southend High St, but God has impacted me through my work here in such a massive way!

Brentwood was, and will forever be, my past. And now I have moved on from that. Southend is my present, and at least for now, my immediate future. (Where I go after that lies in God's hands. ) And that doesn't mean that I will discount the wonderful memories and friends that I have in Brentwood. It's my entire childhood - (and my parents child and adulthoods, and my grandparents adulthoods.... you get the picture. ) But it's time for me to realise that just because I am from Brentwood, doesn't mean I will always belong, or be welcome there. My adulthood is just beginning. And now I know where I really belong - in Christ! And for now that means that I call Avenue my home. Praise The Lord!

"Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honour."

Mathew 13:57