Letter of Hope.

Dear friend,

There will come a time in your life, that no matter how much careful planning you try to do, no matter how many friends you invite out, no matter how many professionals have your name on file, you will find yourself alone. And there will be others you can call. But you won’t, for fear of worrying them. So you will keep the sadness locked up inside. And it will make you feel horribly and desperately alone. And the unanswered texts and messages will make you feel abandoned and empty. And you’ll be left wondering if everyone is really busy or if they just didn’t want to see you. So you will spend some time sobbing your heart out on a beautiful hill, wondering what happened to make life come to this.

And it is at that moment, little one, when you know that you cannot rely on anybody else in this world, that you will have to make the choice between hope and despair. Between life and death, the future, or the past. And I hope, that when that moment comes, you will find a reason to live for the tomorrows. A reason to hold onto life when all you feel is pain. A reason to keep making those tiny steps forward. Because no matter how dark the world gets when the sun retreats, there will be a tomorrow. And tomorrow needs you.

You can make it. You can hold on. Because you are not the first person to feel this sorrow. And you will not be the last. So when that time comes, when your heart is torn and the walls are crumbling, and you don’t know how you can go on: hold on. Hold on in the darkness, hold on through the pain, hold on with the knowledge that one day, you can be the one that someone else needs. The friend that didn’t give up. The one that wasn’t too busy. The light in the darkness. You can be strong dear friend, you have already survived so much.

London

N.B. So, Olympics 2012 are coming to the Big Smoke. And thousands upon millions of tourists shall be descending upon our nations Capital, making the daily commute complete hell for thousands of City workers. But what is it about London that captivates the heart of so many?

London is one of those funny old places that you either love or you don’t. As a kid, I never really understood why the tourists would flock to such a smelly, dirty and polluted old city.  Nowadays, I walk around London with a quiet joyfulness in my soul. I enjoy the anonymity of being just another stranger in the crowd. I enjoy the bustle and murmur of foreign chatter in and around the ‘tourist areas’. I love walking along Westminster Bridge towards Parliament Square, cowering as St Stephen’s tower bursts up from the Houses of Parliament, and the mystery of watching that intricately unchangeable building, knowing that inside its walls all sorts of decisions and laws have been argued over.

I love the freedom it gives to Protestors (okay, whole ‘nother story), the random cobbled streets and the silent camaraderie as you help someone clamber onto a giant iron Lion at Trafalgar Square. I love the sights and the smells of Camden, the street performers in Covent Garden and the sounds and excitement of South Bank. I love the art galleries and the museums, the giant red buses and the ridiculous looking blue Boris bikes.  I love the buzz of a Premiere in Leicester Square, but also the stillness and tranquillity of St James’ park. I love the War Memorials and the dedications to our nation’s heroes, old and new.

I love that walking around, you cannot fail to realise that you are part of history, that wonderful men and women, world-changers and law-breakers and visionaries have walked those same streets before you. That despite Modern life and all it’s technologies, there are still simple and heartfelt traditions being practiced and relied upon – the River boat men, for example. Did you know that driving a boat up the river is still an occupation passed down through the generations? I love that.

I guess people flock to London for all different reasons, (most of them just want to have their picture taken in front of the London Eye/St Stephen’s Tower) but the main reason I have realised my love for London is this. That at its’ heart, London is just like every other city: there is crime and there is filth and there are historical buildings and tourist attractions. But those who love it do so despite its flaws, filth and detestable history. London is alive, it is breathing and it is magical. Its spirit and vibe scream louder than the issues it has faced. And so, you either love it in all it’s fullness, or you don’t. But you cannot take away from what it is. It is a place strangers can call home.

Outside

N.B. All of the following 2 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Happiness: it’s what people think Christmas is all about isn’t it? And more than that – many people believe that they can buy happiness – with stuff and presents. Anyone want to volunteer an answer for how long happiness in stuff and possessions lasts with teenagers? How long before they are clambering, desperate, yearning: for the next game or the newest thing or the most recent music – otherwise they will be BORED!

If there is one word I have heard more than any other in all my time as a youth worker it is that one. Teenagers just don’t seem to be able to create things to do for themselves anymore. They need to be constantly entertained/in front of an electronic screen. It’s such a shame. I know my generation in general is almost as bad, but I remember days when my brothers and I would head off down the park for the day – and numerous occasions when the church youth group would head off to King George’s park and sit on ‘our bridge’. We would walk, chat, mess around, play football. Not a computer or games console in sight. I know it sounds stupid, but they are some of the happiest memories of my childhood. Days that were simple and innocent.

Nowadays, I only get times like that when I am over in the Philippines, at Joyland or Dacutan or Payatas: playing games involving a few scruffy flip-flops, and sometimes some even scruffier kids. When I am sad, I close my eyes and their smiles shine brightly in my mind.

The other thing that makes me truly happy is being in the outdoors. I was a Guide as a teenager, and I just loved going on camp. I had a few amazing friends around me, and being a tom boy – making fires and putting up tents and running around in a field for a few days was so much fun. I was reminded of this earlier in the year when I went on camp with some Uni mates. It was easily the best five days of this year – I felt free again. Free to run, scream, listen, sit, and become one with nature and the trees. God’s beautiful creation, and being a part of it, is one of the things that make me happiest of all. In the woods, it doesn’t matter how much money you have if you can’t make fire. It doesn’t matter how big your house is if you’re stranded in the middle of a forest. I love the outdoors life – and I just can’t get enough of it.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

·        It’s not what you have, or don’ have that counts. It’s what you do with it that counts.

·       So forget about what you don’t have; let go of the things you no longer have time to fit in. Enjoy what you do have instead, and make the most of the time you have now – after all it is the only time you possess with any certainty.

·     And why not start manifesting a few other crazy signs of happiness and goodwill. Say hello to the people you pass in the street, smile a bit more, and laugh at your adversities. I once read a survey comparing the number of times a child smiles each day compared to the amount an adult does. The difference was alarming. Children’s smiles outnumbered adults by about ten to one. Let’s bump up our average!

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.” Ogden Nash

Planting

N.B. It's late, or early. Depending on what you call these small hours of the morning that only clubbers, alcoholics and insomniacs usually inhabit. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something about this place that stops me from sleeping...

Everyone's heard that sermon about reaping and sowing, and how sometimes those who plant seed's aren't always the ones that collect the harvest at the end of the crop. If you haven't heard it, maybe you've never worked in ministry. Because it is certainly a story that resounds loudly with those who sometimes get discouraged by doing all the work and never receiving a share of the crop at the end of it.

Of course, I'm not talking about plants here. I'm talking about children, young people... any people for that matter. There are those in ministry, (and I guess in all christian circles) who sow the seeds, and there are those who reap the harvest. I'm not sure at the moment who gets the raw end of the deal. I guess it's all on my mind at the moment as many of my children and young people, and others I have invested time and energy into, are off at the usual Christian festival weeks that dominate the summer holidays, and I know that whilst there many of them will make big decisions about their lives, maybe become christian's, give up a bad habit or two, or generally be impacted by the messages and atmospheres that are taught and created at all Christian festivals. And they will come back, and tell me all about how *insert name of Christian holiday here* changed their life forever, and how they now want to live for Jesus/get baptised/live differently. And in a small part, I am left thinking: "What about all the work I've been doing with you all year? What about all the times I've tried to tell you that thing, teach you that part of faith, show you how awesome it is to live that way?"

*sigh*

It's got me thinking about all those people who I never think about when I contemplate the journey I have travelled so far. There are people in my life whom I give credit/appreciation to for helping to mould me, but what about those who I never think about? They did have an impact on me, whether I acknowledge it or not. There was the nurse who looked after me whilst in hospital, my childhood friend Tony who I only knew for a year, the boys who called me names and beat me up in Junior school, the kids I played out on the street with, the various relatives and family friends that filled my life as a kid, and I guess as a teenager. These people had an impact on my life, and they helped to craft the person I have become just as much as those I acknowledge have. Many of these people will never see or hear from me again - never know the impact they had on me, nor know of the successes and the failures I achieve. And yet, the world keeps turning. People are constantly wandernig in and out of our of lives - and some of them leave more footprints than others.

And so, I may not get a mention in any testimonies/stories come September, but I will be the one to witness each of them grow, change and develop their faith for a while yet. The person that spoke that crucial word of change into their life may never see or hear from them again. But I will get to walk the next part of their journey with them too, as I walked the last. And though I may never be (in their eyes) the one who changed their life, maybe one day, down the line, when they are sitting up late at night contemplating the journey travelled so far, they may think of me. And maybe they won't. But then again, it is not the servant that reaps the true benefits of the harvest, but the Master.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Galatians 6: 9-10

Flying

N.B. So I guess if you are any kind of regular visitor to this blog you may have noticed that I haven't written in a while. There are a variety of reasons for this, none of which I really want to bore you with right now, but I just wanted to update with a little what I have been doing recently, and maybe how I'm feeling right now.

For most of the summer holidays I was in the Philippines (29th July - 3rd September) catching up with old friends, helping out in a variety of projects that I was involved in last year. I also got to share in the Wedding Day of some dear friends of mine, which was of course an amazing privilege. It was an amazing time, to see all those people and places that I have been longing to return to for such a long time now. The time away changed me, in many ways. Lessons that I have been learning this year reaching the climax of their instigation in my life, and above all else, I came home with a lot less stuff weighing down on my shoulders than I went out with.

Since being back, I have begun to struggle once more with that - 'who am I now that I'm here?' kind of scenario: comparing everything to Filipino life and with a part of me constantly wishing that I was back in that place once again. I guess in a world with so much uncertainty, saying goodbye is never easy when you think that it may be your last.

But as well as that constant struggle, I feel that I have learnt some important life lessons that are moulding me well for my future. I have noticed a few remarkable changes in myself that may not be obvious to anyone else, but that are affecting the way I live in my everyday life. There are still parts of me that need revamping. There are past things that going to the Philippines brought up in my mind, although I may not have expressed them out loud. It is all a continual part of my journey, my coming to God in the final days, my meeting my maker. All this is just a small fraction of the greater things that are to come. And so I take each moment, each day as it arrives and settles. I rise in the morning and I flap my wings, desperate to achieve that ultimate goal. Maybe one day my feet will leave the ground.

"I can't stand to fly, I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find, the better part of me

I'm more than a bird

I'm more than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

It's not easy to be me"

'Superman' - Five For Fighting

Hanging

N.B. I've imported the important blogs over to this one and deleted my other blog... it was getting too confusing having two at once. Please bear with me as I edit and re-tag all of my entries to fall in line with this blog style... though I doubt any of you are sad enough to actually read my old entries, or even have any interest what-so-ever in what I have to say...

... I didn't think so.

So this week I've been really ill. And screwed up emotionally. And yet, I've actually had more time this month to hang out with the people I care about, because let's face it, most of the things I class as "work" aren't actually work for me anymore. They are just things I go to - part of normal life. Things I used to attend just as much when I was in Brentwood, only now, they count as work. I'm finding the line between work and normal work ever increasing blurry and indeterminate these days. Who knows.

I've suddenly realised how quickly I lost the people I thought would stick around in my life forever. Because now, apart from the odd text or facebook wall message, they play no part in the life I've been living for the last two years. They don't even really know who I am, and the person I've become. And that makes me quite sad actually. I have so many awesome memories of the last few years, and looking back through my old blogs, I can see how much life has changed for me, and yet, the people who back then, I wanted to share my entire life with, barely even share in ten minutes of my life now. And to be honest, that sucks. And it also scares me. Are the people that mean the world to me now, only going to be in my life once every few months in a few years time? Am I going to have to start all over again in a few years time, only to lose those friends as well? Because if I am, what is the point of all this?

*sigh* I don't know. Why is it that so many things take me back to that place that I don't want to be? So many triggers, so many bad memories. All consuming, mind altering triggers that snap be back to that inner churning, stomach turning darkness. I don't really want to admit it, but I'm scared. I don't want to be trapped there.

"God, I'm in this place again,

I'm trying so hard not to fall,

But everything keeps coming down with the rain.

And I try so hard, I forget to call.

Everybodys looking around, and wants to be found.

And I'm just hanging on; I give You all that I am."

'Hanging On' - Everyday Sunday

Refresh

N.B. So the summer is officially over and its back to Southend and back to work! Wahay!

I am very glad to be back home. Its been a very long six weeks. Things are starting back a little different, I'm in a new house, (new in the non-physical meaning of the word...) with a new perspective, and most of all a new attitude and a willingness to stick it out with God for another year. I have definately come back this year feeling a little different to the person I was before. Maybe the time away has made me realise how precious every moment in life is. Maybe I learnt something over the summer after all. Maybe I'm just learning to see things a little differently.

In the first week back, I learnt that openness is sometimes necessary to move forward. I shared some really deep, personal things with some friends of mine, and through their responses, learnt to be more willing to accept others kindness as something other than hostile. I learnt to trust people with things that I refuse to talk about. I learnt that not everyone in the world is out to make you feel insignificant. And that some people care about you just for you, and not for something you have done or something you will do for them.

I guess thats a lot to learn in the first week back at placement. But I am glad that I am learning it. I am glad that I have two extra people with whom I can journey through things with. I am glad that friendships are a two way thing, and that openness begets openness.

Over the summer, I was struggling with a number of issues from the past that God wanted me to go over, to re-experience (so-to-speak) in order to move on from them. Some have been a lot easier to journey through than others. But that is the pathway I am on. I know that being a Christian is not supposed to be an easy life, but that God will travel the highs and the lows with me. And luckily, he has put some people in my life that will also experience that rollercoaster with me. So I am glad, that the first week back was as it was. Because it has challenged me to travel along a road I am not comfortable travelling down. And in that uncomfortableness, I will learn to lean upon God more than ever.

Swirling

N.B. Location - Zakynthos

Too many questions. Unanswered questions. Was I really as messed up as a child as my memories lead me to believe? Did this influence the person I became in my teenage years? Was my fate, all because of the years of unrelented bullying, day in and day out, by those with whom I could have been friends? Are these inner insecurities built up from those faint inadequaces of the way I was? Or was it simply a reaction to the traumas I experienced as an adolescent? Were they traumas? Or simply an over reaction of a mentally or emotionally unstable teen?

Writing this now, I wonder how much of this past personality still resides in me. Or rather, how much of my purest being has been eroded by the manifestation of this alter ego. Will a time ever come when this other person fully dies within myself to my honest, predestined being? All these questions churn through my memories, swirling amidst an array of deeply confusing emotions. Thoughts and expressions that even I, as the conveyor, do not fully understand; perhaps even less so. But they muster, silent and deadly in the darkness of my mind like grey wintery clouds forming in the night sky, slowly smothering the air. I wait here, longing to see if the morning will bring a new perspective to the past.

Talk

N.B. I have often heard people say that they try their hardest to obey God and to put Him first in their lives, and yet, often they live comfortable, well rounded lives. Being an Optimum volunteer means that for the last year, I have been actively putting God first, and I can tell you, it has been anything but.

Over this last year, I have been constantly challenged to do the things that I was completely terrified to do, things that make me shake inside, things that make my stomach knot itself tighter and tighter. Things that confront me head on because they force me to relieve old memories and emerge myself in old situations. But I don't think anything made me rely on God more than this weekend. Let me tell you a story...

God likes to make you do things you really don't want to do. If only but to teach you to rely on Him. Since I could remember, I said, "I'm not going to Uni, I'm staying in Brentwood." I didn't go to Uni, no. But did I stay in Brentwood? No. God packed me up and sent me to Southend. [Lesson #1 - Don't tell God where you will or will not go. Just listen!]

So there I am, in Southend. On Optimum. And the one thing I hated more than anything else was talking about myself. So on the fourth day of September Training Week, we all have a nice session where we sit around and tell each other our testimonies. Was I terrified? Yes. In fact I spent the majority of the time in between when we were told about it, and when we did it, crying. And when it came to it, it actually went quite well. [Lesson #2 - Don't be afraid to be open with other followers, everyone has a past.]

So I was done with sharing after that. I said, "God, that's it! I'm not speaking in front of people any more!" I was still a fairly insecure person, not really ready to share myself fully with others, but I got on and did the job God had sent me to Southend to do as best as I knew how [minus the speaking up the front]. Everything went pretty good until the date of the School's Work assignment was due, and I had to give an assembly to a whole bunch of Infant school kids. Was I terrified? YES! And I spent the majority of the morning before the assembly trying not to cry. [Lesson#3 - God will make you do the things you told Him you were not going to do...]

So that was it. After that, I said "God! Seriously! No more speaking up the front, please!" (Obviously hadn't learnt my lesson yet...) and so a few months later I am in church, doing some kind of kids talk/drama. Was I terrified? YES!! But God came up trumps and it went really well. But still I said, "Please, God, no more talking things." And a few months later I was giving two talks at a Youth weekend away. Teenagers I had never met before were listening to me talk about the Bible. Was I terrified? Absolutely. But God remained faithful and some of the things I said really hit home with them. [Lesson #4 - Seriously. He'll make you do it, and He'll make it go well too.]

After that, I thought I was pretty ok. I thought I was in control of what I could cope with. Talking about the message of God was okay, because it is an awesome message! I was prepared to take more of an up the front role in terms of church and youth group, because I knew God was the one speaking, not me. He was the one that made things go well, because in those situations, He held me up. But I still asked God not to make me talk in front of large groups of people, and especially to talk about me, because I just wasn't ready.

Then, spending a few days at home before the SOLID youth festival, I got an email from Claire Parry asking me if I would give a few minutes talk during the main worship on Saturday about my journey on Optimum. It sounded like the scariest thing I had ever heard of, but for some reason, I felt it in my gut to say yes. I made notes, I prepared, and I thought it would be ok. (Still spent a good few hours fretting over it... but I didn't attempt to back out.)

About 45 mins before the main Saturday evening session we were having the usual 'last-minute-check-everyone-knows-what-they-are-supposed-to-be-doing' meeting, when I was told that actually, I was to be giving a five minute talk on my personal journey to God, not just a talk on my journey on Optimum. A talk about me. About me before I came to Southend. AAAAHHHH! To say I panicked would probably be putting it lightly. On the outside, I remained calmish. On the inside, I was practically screaming. But even though all of my senses were telling me to run far far away, I didn't back out.

And when it came for the time for me to go up on stage (and it came... very quickly...) I went. Head held high. And I started talking... and I talked, and I talked, and I paced the stage, and I talked and I just didn't shut up. I talked about myself, about my past. And then I told them this story. I finished by saying, "And I said, okay God, I'll do the talking up front, but I am NOT talking about myself in front of lots of people..."

I spoke to quite a few teenagers afterwards who really connected with the things I said. And I can honestly say that the whole experience, it was completely amazing. If I had learnt nothing else this year, it was to trust that God knows the best plan for my life, and I can waste as much time as I want trying to fight against it, but only truly amazing things will happen when I surrender to his plans.

Wait

N.B. Still trying to assort the effects of the Philippines and the effects of Training week in my head, if you're confused... so am I.

At Training Week, I finally came to the conclusion, or rather, God finally got to me enough to realise that all the things I said I couldn't do this year, were actually things that I just wouldn't do. And I don't know what it was about training week, but I finally realised that I'd spent so much of this year, and so much of my life thinking that I wasn't good enough to do something, or a wasn't able to do something, when really, God was saying to me, Why not?

God taught me a lot at training week actually. Through Beth's preaching and Wendy's sessions, I finally began to realise that YES, God does love me, YES, He did create me just as He wanted me, YES, He has chosen me and YES, He has called me to be His. To inherit His throne, to be His Heir. Geesh. Thats a lot to take in and finally realise, I can tell you! In fact, its pretty much life changing information. And I wonder how many Christians actually have realised it? Not as many as you would think, probably.

And then through Den's sessions, and Mike's preaching, I realised that God is calling me to even greater things than I have set my sights on. That I need to let go of things in the past, and realise that right now, God is calling me to spread his message. To love people. To stop letting the fear and insecurity get in the way of sharing what is inside of me. God's calling me to preach! (And that came as a shock, I CAN TELL YOU!) I don't know what form that will take, but I'm sure God will show me in time!

So on the last night of training, after a long few hours of worship, teaching and praying for others, I sat alone in the chapel. Just sitting really, trying to have some 'me and God' time. I hadn't received any direct ministry from God during that evening's session, as I had spent it praying for others, and I felt the need to just be alone with God. I just sat there, soaking up the massiveness of what God has taught me during the week, but I was flooded with images from my teenage years, images that I had tried to wipe from my head. Things that I'd said, things that had been said to me, ways that I had suffered and been hurt by people I trusted.

And I started to ask God why. Why did He wait so long to let me know that I was loved? Why I had had to wait so long to finally realise it? Why I had to spend so long wanting desperately to feel loved, when He was right there, loving me. Surely He could have done something? I continued to question God in my head, when Kat came in and sat beside me. I told her everything that I had been thinking.

She prayed with me, and she told me that God made me wait, because he wanted me to have the strength of the testimony I have now. He always loved me, He just knew that I wouldn't fully believe it until now. She said I was worth a million. And for the first time in my life, I actually believed her. Which, as usual, resulted in me crying (God has that effect on me...) But it was a release. God was allowing me to get rid of it all. He was telling me that it was finally time to stand up, and to start running the race HE has set before me. And the wait? It was necessary. Because now I know the extent of God's love, and plan for my life.

Wildfire

N.B. Arrived in Manila. Current location: Mall of Asia. (Apologies for the Jargon.)

I'm fairly tired, but becoming accustomed to the idea of spending my last week in the Philippines in Manila, Luzon. I enjoyed the last week, and was sad to leave Negros, but each ending brings a new beginning - and I have no reason not to believe that this week in Manila will be every bit as good as last week on Negros. Life is a journey, you know? You have to travel it to get the real experience. And I know sometimes it's scary, and sometimes it's hard, but at other times it's just brilliant!

The small things in life overwhelm me sometimes to the point of tears. But that's life, you know - you have to go with the flow and get on with what life throws at you. You cannot dwell on what is past, though the shadows sometimes creep up on you, you must live for the moment, the ever present Spirit that moves within you, stirring up emotions that make you cry and laugh and want to get out and fight the world! Fight the injustice! Heal the sick and feed the hungry - love the children that are the Children of God, love the children who don't know they are! That's what living life is about. Being a change in the world. Being different to every selfish Westerner that fails to look into these peoples eyes - like the frail beings that we once were. What other duties in life are there?

Life is short, we are a mere breath in the eternal lifespan of God, and if we blink, if we take our eyes from Him, even if just for a second, we could miss out on the most amazing thing to happen in all history of man. So we cannot afford to spare one moment complaining about circumstances beyond our control. God's got it in hand you know - He can do anything and everything that He wishes to!

Saying that, I myself have wasted many a long night fretting over who I was and where my destiny lay - the future is an awfully scary place, and so too, the past: a graveyard of living skeletons that are ready to drag any unsuspecting victim to join them in the shadows. That is why we must be alert to the workings of the evil one, and not allow him to get a foothold in our lives.

We must surround ourselves in humble grace, and love for our neighbours (that is those we come into contact with each day) so that we do not become beings of a selfish nature, but rather, beings of light and hope for those in dark existence, Bearers of the life that comes from a faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, a faith that is alive and burning, spreading like wildfire among our family, friends and those whom we meet, those whom God has sent our way so that they might be saved!

And of course, none of us are perfect. That is why we must all keep our eyes on the goal, the Mighty Saviour who redeems us in the darkness and brings us out into the light!

Brother

N.B. Yes, that's me. NO, my hair is not ginger.

I've realised since moving away that I am a lot closer to my siblings than I would have originally admitted. When living at home, I barely spoke to my younger brother, and everytime we did communicate it was always an arguement, or a fight. Either way, not very productive. Even the few glimmering moments of peaceful contact would soon end with one of us slamming our bedroom doors.

I guess absence does makes the heart grow fonder. Or maybe I am able now to appreciate my brother for who he really is; a teenage boy, and not "my annoying little brother". He is the age of the young people I am working with, teenagers I have learnt to be tolerant and accepting of, with all their faults and flaws. I love them for the people they are in Christ (even if they haven't found him yet.) And my brother is no different to them, albeit, much more capable of winding me up... and more willing to do so.

But over the last few months, the time I have spent with my brother has been amazing. There has always been the deep sibling love/hate relationship that most teenagers experience with their brothers and sisters. But I can see more clearly now how much we both have grown through each other. I have realised that although our outlook on life is somewhat opposite ends of the spectrum, we can sit side by side on the sofa, watching the same TV programme, laughing and enjoying each others company. Even if it is only for a few minutes.

And my brother is actually amazing. He's been through some hard times in the past, with our parents divorcing, and then our brother leaving, and then me, and he has coped with all that without the support of a church network behind him. And maybe even sometimes without a big sister to help him too. I look back and I am scared of the amount of times that maybe he could have needed me, and I was too busy with my own problems to look after him. But then I also treasure memories of times when he was there for me, even at a young age.

I know Stephen will probably never read this. I just wanted to make a note that I am proud to call him my little brother. And I love him very much. =) xxx

Can't

Ha. I've just read through that list again, and not only am I weirded out by the extent to which I have changed, and grown, and in effect, managed to achieve some of the things on the list, but I am also strangely blessed by the things that I wrote. At the time, those were the things on my mind, in my heart, things that I longed to be able to do. And now, looking back in maturity, I can see that actually, there are some things on that list (many things in fact) that actually, I can't do anything to change or achieve. Things that must be left in the hands of God.

But I suppose that is a good thing. We yearn for things, and eventually, we learn to let them go. We learn what our place on this earth is, and what our journeys are meant for. We learn to strive towards the right things, and not pursue things that are unhealthy or unachievable. We learn to live our own lives, and not the lives of others. We learn, from disappointments and from achievements. And at the end of it all, we learn that there is so much more to learn. Mmm.

Half

N.B. I don't know what I want to get out of writing this. Maybe its a sign of what's to come.

So that's it isn't it. The real truth. I only show half of myself to people, and that's if they're lucky. How ridiculous is that? How can people actually get to know me, if that's all I'm giving. Oh dear.

I realised this the other day. Talking about WHO I was, and HOW I was before I moved to Southend. Ask different people and you would get many different answers. "Helped out a lot in church" - yeah, sure I did, because it was a hell of a lot easier than being at home. "Well Emo." - yeah. I was. Depressed. And not really doing all that much to change things. "A strong Christian" - no. That's where people got it wrong. Maybe that was my fault. At church, I was never me. I was the Ami that people wanted to see. 'Into things. Enthusiastic.' Thats what everyone expected, and thats what everyone got. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy being that person. For a while, I probably did. But it didn't encourage me to grow. Encourage me to change who I was. So who am I now? What have I become?

Well, the honest answer to that is, I really don't know. But to appreciate who I am now, you probably need to know who I was then. The way that Christ has changed my life, for the better, because he has. And that probably means sharing with people parts of my life that are really difficult for me. Parts of my life that I am mighty glad are over. I'm not going to write it all here, because, well, it wouldn't explain things adequately enough.

I mentioned to someone the other day that before I came to Southend, I had another blog. That I had been posting in for years. And I have. When I moved to Southend, I stopped blogging on the forementioned blog, and started a new one, because my life has started again, with a fresh start. (Which I was mighty glad of.) However, the posts are still there, on my other blog (Note - posts have now been moved over to this one.) and if you really want to know who I was. Then go, look. I'm not stopping you, I'm not hiding anything. Thats me. Who I was, with all the stages in between to how I got to where I am. Please don't judge me, just listen to what I had to say, and learn from it. If you don't want to look, then don't. But there you go. I've got nothing left to hide.

Wherever

About a year ago, I posted this list of things I wanted to do with my life, and said that I wanted to have achieved at least 5 of them by the time the year was up. Now that I look back at the list, I see how much I have changed in the last year or so. Its pretty scary actually. But I can now be glad of the things that I set out to achieve and have actually managed to do so. *sigh*

The List...
~ Write a song that actually means something.
~ Spend time working with orphans or street children.
~ Spend time fasting and then donate the money to charity.
~ Affect someone's life in a positive way.
~ Give some more time to those who really need it.
~ Pray more for my friends.
~ Have an actual time of being with God.
~ Feel good about the person I am.
~ Stop taking things out on myself

~ Be grateful for what I have.
~ Learn to get on with my family.
~ Learn to forgive people without holding grudges.
~ Talk to more people about God in a way they will understand.
~ Be a good example to my non-christian friends.
~ Accept people for who they are, and not what I want them to be.
~ Have a conversation about next year without getting upset or scared.
~ Be more diplomatic when discussing with people.
~ Read the bible more than once a week, when forced.
~ Pray more than once a week, when forced.
~ Live a week without wanting to be with a boy.
~ Not look for the negative in situations.
~ Give more time to helping the poor and needy.
~ Find a way to make my parents get on.
~ Make my mum happy/proud.
~ Accept forgiveness.
~ Be less judgemental.
~ Accept compliments and praise, and believe them.
~ Love, unconditionally.

Positive

N.B. It's going to be a long one. Sorry. x

So my Lent resolution this year was to take up having a positive attitude. When I thought of it, I knew that it was going to be a challenge, as I know there is a part of me that always fears the worst. Blame it on things that have happened in the past, or whatever, but I know I don't enjoy being a pessimistic person. I actually want more than anything to enjoy the life that I have in each moment, because I know anything could happen tomorrow or the day after next that could take that all away.

So I've used every ounce of energy in my body to have a positive attitude to the way things are turning around me. At times, that's actually been really hard, and maybe it's highlighted; for me especially; the area's of my life in which I really do tend to worry and stress about things that I should give over to God's hands.

During the worship session at Training this week, Lukey D (who was running it) encouraged us all to write down the things that we were worrying or stressing about, and then at the end of the session we were going to rip up our pieces of paper, drop them into the middle of the circle, and dance around them... (ok, we were just going to pray over them) At first, (being in my positive mood) I could hardly think of any. But then, as I began to think long-term about what I wanted to get out of this week, this month and beyond, I realised that there more things I was worrying about subconsciously than I realised.

So, basically, I'm going to lay myself bare and write up here as many things as I can remember, because I think for some of them, I'm going to need as much prayer as I can get. So if you could remember a few of these in your prayers this week/month, I would really appreciate it. I'm still looking positively to the year ahead, though with slight anticipation, but I am ultimately trusting that God has it sorted.

Being Confident: for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with talking in front of audiences, or even when people are looking at me in a certain way. I have mentioned this many times before, because actually, it is something that really affects the conversations I have in my day to day life, and I am trying not to let it affect the conversations I have with my young people on a one-to-one basis. One major issue is coming up, as I have to give an assembly (albeit to 5-7 year olds) at a school on Tuesday. I am actually terrified beyond comparison.

Accepting Myself: sometimes I have a hard time accepting that people like me. Maybe its just a teenager thing. I don't know. Most of the time, I'm fine being who I am. But occassionally the self doubt kicks in and I give everyone a hard time for being nice to me.

Adjusting To Changes: I'm not scared of change anymore. But sometimes I have a hard time adjusting to it. Quite a few things have changed for me recently. Its made me evaluate and re-evaluate things. I'm still struggling to see where I fit in, where I need to change, where I need to adjust, and give way. I'm struggling to find my place in certain groups, find my role in certain situations, and find when I can just be me.

Letting Go: I'm sure there are situations in your life that you've had to cope with. And months/years down the line, you finally think that you've sorted yourself out and that you are actually ok with everything. But then something happens, and you realise that maybe you weren't as over it as you thought you were. Yeah. Thats me.

Fear: I've admitted this quite a few times this year, but I have an unexplainable paranoia that I am going to die. I think about it nearly all the time, walking down the street I think that every car is going to have a drive-by shooter in it, when in a car I worry there will be a driver not paying attention that will crash into us, going to bed I think I may not wake up, you get the picture. I constantly see things around me that could cause my demise, and it's actually beginning to freak me out. I can't remember when it started, but I know that it's serious.

Next Year: Yeah. I'm unsure of where I will be. I made my mind up, and then I changed it, and now I am just confused. Some guidance would be appreciated, preferably by God.

Good Leader: Linked in to the worrying about who I am, the thing I fret the most about in this job is whether I am being a good role model to the children and young people I work with. Sometimes I really worry that some of them idolise me too much, because I know that it's easy to do, and absolutely devastating when you finally have to realise that your idols are human, and just like everyone else, they make mistakes. I want the best for my young people, but most of the time, telling them what kind of life they should be living isn't enough; they've got to see me living it first.

Sacrifice Of This Year: Sometimes I don't feel like some of my friends appreciate the sacrifice I made for this year. I knew it was going to be hard, living away from home, not being around a vast amount of people my age, not being able to take vast amounts of time off at holidays and the such. When I signed up for this year, I did it because I wanted to give some time back to God, to give him a chance to develop me into the person that I was supposed to be. But I think for a lot of my friends back home, they don't understand that, and still expect me to be able to take time off to meet their needs. Don't get me wrong, I take every opportunity I can to catch up with friends and check they are doing ok. I send cards, texts, emails, myspace messages, facebook messages, I do everything I can to ensure my contact with them is not lost. But sometimes I really feel like it's a one way street with some of them. And I'm running out of energy to keep it up. Which brings me to my last one.

Tiredness: To be perfectly honest, I'm zonked. New circumstances mean a bit more travelling than usual, and it wears me out. The days are long, I'm dreaming a lot which means I'm not sleeping well, and I'm just running out of energy for everything. But I don't think it's a matter of getting more sleep, I need the energy that only the Lord can give.

That's me, and all the shadows that are lurking in my mind. Now I'm off to my sister's to spend some quality time with her and her fiancé. Should be good. If you managed to read (and pray) for all that then thanks.

God bless. Take care. x

Eyes

In an honesty exercise this week, a number of my friends anonymously (or so they thought) told me that they like my eyes. After the initial shock of being totally freaked out about people staring at my eyes, I began to understand myself a bit better, and saw that actually, it made real sense.

It all comes down to my insecurities. The ones that mean that I will hide my true emotions or feelings most of the time behind my mask, in whatever form it takes. But no matter what my mouth or the rest of my facial expressions are saying, my eyes give me away. (And I'm not just talking about when they throw out tears...) If you asked me a genuine question, and managed to hold my gaze long enough to look deep within my eyes, there, you would see everything. And so when in a situation when having to share any kind of feeling or emotion, I will be unable to look you in the eyes. I will avert my gaze to anything, only briefly flickering to see your facial expression. Because it terrifies me.

To think that people could see straight through my protective casing and just delve right into the heart of what I am thinking and feeling. To think, that everything I have built around myself in order to protect the hurts and the worries, might count for nothing, if only someone were to look into my eyes, and see there, years of not believing I was good enough, years of thinking that everything was my fault, years of feeling unloved. To see all those things through my eyes would be haunting. And yet still, it excites me further.

For also, in my eyes, you could see the acceptance I feel from Jesus, the love I share that I have received, the thankfulness of knowing that God has forgiven me. And although the years of hurt and pain have not disappeared, and on a bad day, you could still catch a glimmer of their existence in my mind, they do not rule me anymore. I am accepted, cherished, and loved. And the sparkle or twinkle in my eyes when I laugh and smile will reflect that. My eyes have been changed because my life has been changed.

And maybe, I can change someone elses life. The thing I am most looking forward to about the Philippines is not the opportunity to travel across the world, or to see the marvellous landscapes and horizons that dwell there. But it is the chance to change the haunting look of desperation and hurt in a child's life into a smile that makes their eyes sparkle like stars. To see their faces glow when they realise that we care about them, and we love them, and we are there, just for them. Sharing our stories, and listening to them share theirs. Sharing the love that we have, and allowing them to love. Sharing memories, together, our eyes glistening with tears, or sparkling with a smile.

Hurting

N.B. I don't know what I'm going to write in this blog. I shall type as I feel able. These last few days/weeks in Southend have been pretty good. So this blog might even seem a little out of the blue. If I'm honest, it's been a long time coming. I've just never got round to writing all these feelings down. Maybe I should have explained this stuff to a few more people, and it would have made situations less awkward. If that is the case, then I am truly sorry. Please don't take that as a reflection on the dear relationship I have with you. It was merely a case that I was not able to find the words to explain myself adequately.

So there's things that I do that really affect the way I deal with close relationships. And maybe in the past, they've been pointed out and I've chosen to ignore them, and so maybe most of the time I'm not really being me, but rather, the person that I think others want me to be. It's no secret that I've struggled majorly in the past with self-worth. Maybe thats all a part of it.

One thing I do is wear the 'mask'. (And I'm not talking about a green thing here...) Sometimes I don't even realise I am wearing it. But most of the time, I am. Let me explain: If I've had a bad day, then to about 99.9% of people who ask me how my day was, I will say "Yeah, t'was pretty good thanks." If I've had a good day, then you'll probably get the same answer. The 'mask' is the fake smiles and laughter behind which I can hide my real being. Sometimes it slips, and I get upset in public. Which I hate. But, ya know, I've tried being more open recently. I've tried talking some worries through with people I haven't known all that long. Sometimes, it has helped greatly. Other times it has left me feeling even worse than before. I am still experimenting to be honest, being open and leaving myself vulnerable to rejection. I wouldn't say that the 'mask' has completely gone yet. I still wear it 70% of the time. But that's progress.

The second thing I do, is substitute anger for homesickness, or loneliness. This is big mistake. When I begin to miss someone from home; instead of getting upset I find little excuses to get angry at them. It can be anything. Anything to stop myself having to admit that actually, I really miss them, and I haven't heard from them in a while, and actually, that really hurts. Feeling anger towards them is easier than feeling like I'm losing them.

Actually. That's what inspired me to write this blog. Right now, it hurts. Deep inside me, I'm feeling empty because so many things this week have made me feel like I've been forgotten. And every time I hear from one of my friends, it makes me feel even more left out. Maybe I read into things too much. But even though I can be getting on great here, and feel part of the church family, I still constantly feel like I'm missing things that I used to be a part of. Little things, that I'm not around for anymore. And there aren't actually any words that can adequately describe what I'm feeling right now. I can't actually even see the computer screen very well, because as I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes. Maybe I miss my friends tonight more than I ever have before. Maybe I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, and in the morning, maybe I'll get up and put that mask back on.

"I've been down and I'm wondering why,

These little black clouds keep walking around with me...

So maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home."

'Maybe Tomorrow' - Stereophonics

Keys

N.B. Coming back from Training Week there is a lot of stuff in my head that I am trying to organise, this is a mild attempt to get some of it written down.

So, it the New Year. A year of new beginnings, new starts? And yet, when so much from the past has influenced and changed us, we hang on to it. Old friends, old loves, old struggles, old mistakes. There are plenty of things from the last few years of my life that I am still holding on to. And maybe I didn't even realise how much, until now.

On the Thursday night of Training Week the 2nd Years ran the evening worship session. They are always really good, and it is good for us "Firsties" to learn from those who have been through and struggled with things that we are all coping with now. They are a great sense of support and leadership for us, definately for me.

Jo is really shy normally, and yet she got up the front and did a talk on 'jumping into empty swimming pools for God' (it does make sense...) Her talk was good. But what made the most impact on me was that Jo was saying it. Jo, who never (voluntarily) takes an 'up-front' role. But she did it anyway, and said some really good things to us about how we must trust in God to fill the pool with water. And it made me think that maybe I really could do an assembly after all...

After the worship, I sat at the front and was thinking through things. Kat came up and prayed with me, speaking specifically that God wanted me to have peace. Afterwards said to me that God had showed her this image of keys, and that I was holding on to them, and God just wanted me to loosen my grip a bit. The keys to the past or the keys to freedom, and inner peace? I don't know. But either way, God was telling me to let go, and really trust that He had my future in His hands. Trust that God lives in this very moment with me.

N.B.2.

As I was writing this out in my bedroom at Niki + Paul's, I looked up at my bedroom wall, and hanging up there is a photo frame, with these words inside:

"I was regretting the past and fearing the future, and suddenly my Lord was speaking, "My Name Is: 'I AM.' He paused, and I waited. He continued:

When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regreats, it is hard: I am not there. My name is not: 'I WAS'.

When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard: I am not there. My name is not 'I WILL BE'.

When you live in this moment it is not hard: I am here.

My Name Is: 'I AM'"

We must live in each moment, in which we will experience God. He IS in the world around us, if only we were to look closer. In every smile and every tear. His voice is like thunder, like laughter, like rain drops. It is the NOW we must change, in order to change at all.

Friendship

N.B. I have many degree's of friendship, therefore, just because I do not mention you by name, does not mean you do not mean the world to me. I probably still love you with all my heart.

Being back in Brentwood this week has been emotional for me. Seeing my family, catching up with my friends, going to my home church, walking around streets that I have walked on since I was a toddler. It's been strange. It's home in a physical sense, but emotionally, I don't feel "here" anymore. But it has meant a chance to catch up with the people in my life who haven't physically "been" in my life over the last few months. I've met up with quite a few of them, some more than others, and spent time catching up on what's been going on in their lives.

I know I have changed a lot in the last four months. If anything, my views on life and what is important has narrowed to the things that really matter - living like Christ and loving people for who they are. My life has changed too, and is now very different to the lives of some of those I have left behind. But what I love the most is that I can come home for this one week, and spend time with people, and it's as if I never went away. We make jokes, we tease each other, or one of us makes a spazzy comment that results in hysterical laughter all round... it's comfortable. There is no fakeness in ourselves. We are each as we are, individual in our attitudes, unique in our personalities, special in our ability to be with one another. And just be. Not talk, or make jokes, or mess around, (although that is what we often do). But sometimes we are able to just relax in the friendship we have with one another.

Yeah, I have changed, and they have changed too, and our lives are now on two very seperate tracks, but I am able to chat and laugh and cry with them just as I always did. And that is something so very special.

So to Susie, Sally, Georgia, Rachael and Ruth - thank you for being such very special, individual people, and thank you for sharing with me a relationship that continues to grow stronger every day.

All my love,

Ami xXx