Longing

N.B. All of the following 16 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

We had a discussion at Youth Club today about whether Jesus knew from a really young age what his life was for, the reason for him being on earth. Was it at the moment of baptism, or at his coming of age, or after he started his ministry? At what point did he know that he was going to die. Perhaps during the 40 days in the desert post-baptism, God spoke to him. I know that it’s something we’re never going to know for sure, but its interesting to hear different people’s perspectives and reasoning.

I guess it’s almost a question we all ask of ourselves during our lives – what is my purpose? Some will say to make others happy, to share love, to enjoy life. Some will have shallower answers, some deeper, and perhaps others will say there is no purpose what so ever. There’s probably a few who say the figuring out of our purpose is our purpose… but that just doesn’t quite sit right with me.

In my core, I believe that as beings made in God’s image, without God we are left with a longing, a deep sense of ‘something else’ that can’t be filled with the stuff of this world. (A God-shaped hole, if you must.) Maybe our purpose is to discover that we have a longing, and discover that only God alone can fulfil it. I do believe that there is a purpose for all of our lives. Some of us are supposed to teach, some to preach, some to encourage. All of us should love. All of us should care. All of us should live as Jesus taught, with the deeper purpose of seeking God more and more in our lives. Not seeking what God can do, but seeking God himself. Our purpose should be driven by our longing for our Father, the Almighty God.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Treat yourself to a few minutes of stillness today. See what a difference it makes.

• Listen to a piece of music, or read a poem, or just dare to be silent, listening to your own breathing. Peel back the layers of your subterfuge and denial and look again at what your heart longs for and what it believes.

• What are the things that get you back in touch with yourself? Treat yourself to a dose of whatever tickles your fancy; or at least schedule it in for those days after Christmas when you might even have some time – not to kill – but to ravish!

• All the major religions teach about the value of prayer, stillness, solitude and silence. It is possible to build these things into our lives. Find our more about the fine art of doing nothing.

“No one in the world can alter truth. All we can do is seek it and live it.” Maximilian Kolbe

Homeless

N.B. All of the following 17 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’ Today I have actually decided to just type the entire reading for today as it ties in with so much of what I said yesterday.

What is the sound of one cracker being pulled? What about all the people who will be on their own at Christmas? What about those who don’t have a home, let alone a dining room?

About half a million people spend Christmas on their own each year. Some do this out of choice, preferring the solitude of their own company to the forced merriment of others. Some do not. Many people are just isolated, alienated, forgotten or abandoned. The overcrowded noisiness of our busy, prosperous culture can be the loneliest place on earth. Some people can go through a whole day with very little human contact. Everything is automated. We interact with our computers and our phones, but not with each other. We know the names of those who live in Albert Square. We’ve barely spoken to our own next door neighbour.

There’s another vast number of people who don’t have any home at all. Nobody is sure how many, but last Christmas the charity Crisis served 35, 000 meals in it’s shelters across London. Then there are half a million or so ‘hidden homeless’: people living in squats and bedsit, families in temporary accommodation, people sleeping on a friend’s sofa.

What is the one thing everyone remembers from the Christmas story? There was no room at the inn. God entered the world through the experience of homelessness and the rejection and isolation that goes with it. How can we reach out to those whose experience is the same today?

On Tuesday, after I had walked Beth home from GB I decided not to take the shortest route home, which meant walking up a dark, quiet road. Instead I took a longer way, which included walking up a main shopping road. It was about 10pm, and all but the mini-supermarkets and fast food restaurants were closed. As I was walking, I saw a guy sitting in the doorway of a shop covered with a duvet on the opposite side of the road. It was a cold night, but he was merrily chatting away to the few passers-by. At first I hurried by, eager to get home and buy a few bits from Tesco before they shut. However, after coming out of Tesco, my conscience got the better of my and I couldn’t walk away.

Anyway, I got Bob* and his friend some milk, (he asked for it) and sat down in the doorway next to them for a chat. The first thing I could smell was beer, which I can’t stand the smell of, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt (A lot of homeless people drink just so they don’t feel the cold as much.) and we had a good ole chat. Bob started telling me about this ‘squat’ that they’d discovered, how big it was, what it looked like etc, and how it even had running water. After a good hour, he was dying to show me this house, so once I promised I’d come along and have a look. (Yes, it was crazy but he was really friendly, if a little drunk.)

After an hour of sitting with Bob and Charlie* in a smelly, damp upstairs “bedroom” of this house (which was in fact every bit as awesome as Bob said… though it was now derelict and pretty dark by that point) with only a few small candles for light and warmth, I made my exit and headed home. Once I was out in the fresh air, I stopped for a moment to gather myself. Had that really just happened? It was perhaps the most surreal experience of my life, and yet the most human. I had never imagined, at the start of the day, that I would end it sitting in a dark, smelly, squat house with a few homeless blokes, and yet I had never been so comfortable with complete strangers. I have experienced poverty, but never so close to my own home. I don’t think I had ever relied as fully on the strength of God as during that hour.

* Yes they’re fake names. I don’t want to get him into trouble.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Do you know anyone who might be alone this Christmas?

• What could you do to offer them company?

• Find out about what happens in your local community to support homeless people. As well as national charities like Crisis and Shelter there are often local projects and centres that need support. Offer them some help. Take them some food and warm clothing.

“The greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no-one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Dinner

N.B. All of the following 18 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I don’t like eating alone. In fact, I don’t even much enjoy living alone, hence the cat. It’s quite depressing to come home after a long day knowing that the next time you will speak to another human being will be either the Pizza delivery man, or when you return to work the next day. Living alone makes cooking a chore. Especially in the winter when the nights are long and cold.

I was born into a house full of people: Mum, Dad, Mel, Laura, David and Stephen (eventually) plus the various pets. Even after my sisters went off to University there were still a few different children around that my Mum looked after during the days. Our house was never quiet. I was very rarely alone. But I loved it. Sure, sometimes brothers can be a right pain in the backside, but it was life. Most Christmas’s back then my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin would come and stay, and Nan and Granddad would come to Christmas dinner too. There were often 13 or so of us squeezed round the dinner table. That was normal.

Unfortunately as I got older, life began to change. Mum stopped looking after kids, Dad started working again, Mel and Laura both settled elsewhere for good. During my teenage years, Mum and Dad separated, and then even David left home. Seven went down to three: Me, Mum and Stephen. Loneliness set in. I’m not surprised now why so many of my friends spent lots of time at my house. The house needed more people. It was too empty. Too quiet. There would be days when I would leave the house in the morning having not spoken a word to anyone, return home, spend the evening in my room until I went out, and then returned to my room immediately, having no conversation with my family other than “I’m going out!” or “I’m home!” I guess that’s part of the reason I’m not a bit fan of living alone now. Long days and nights remind me too much of that part of my life.

Things at home are a lot different now. A lot of the hurt from that time has healed, and we’ve all moved on. Mel, Laura and David are all married now. Mel and Jon have a gorgeous little one called Layla (who will be 3 in a few weeks!) As well as being my niece she’s my God-daughter too, and I love her to the moon and back. Mum and Dad are both in new relationships, (so now I kinda have 4 parents… great!) David has a couple of little kids too, and Stephen is no longer my ‘little’ brother, and will most days appear with a massive beard/moustache. His friends have replaced mine on the living room sofas. They’ve all moved on with their lives. I can’t help feeling I’m stuck.

A big part of Christmas is family. Sitting round the Dining Room table, swapping stories and (in my families case) toilet jokes. Laughing over current matters, funny comments and stupid things celebrities have done recently, all the while scoffing down huge portions of meat, vegetables and fizzy drinks. Sharing a meal together is part of sharing life together: even though we don’t live on top of one another any more, it’s an important part of our lives, to be together for special occasions.

Cottrell says: “We don’t invite people round to dinner because we think they’re hungry. We invite them round for their company. It’s the human craving for friendship and community that we need to fill.”

If I’m going to make any New Year’s resolutions this year it is to invite more people round to dinner. (If they can endure my cooking!) To share life with people. I’m pretty fed up of living on my own to be honest. If you want to come round anytime, just come. (Although if you want to eat let me know so I can make sure I have food in the fridge…) A good friend once said to me: “Mi casa, en su casa.” (My house is your house.) If you just read that, it applies to you too. And who knows. Maybe in sharing life with more people, that loneliness that sits in the depth of my stomach will begin to fade.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Get out the recipe book. Making a Christmas cake or a Christmas pudding is not that hard and not that expensive. And if you have someone else to do it with, all the better!

• Bring back mealtimes! Start a new regime where dinner is on the table at a certain time and you all sit together.

• And who else will you invite?

• And say grace before you start. Even if you can’t give thanks to God, be thankful that there is food on your table when so many in the world today have nothing.

“No matter how busy our current lifestyles are, or what is going on outside, family meals are important… I am determined to get families back around the table.” Gordon Ramsey

Wonder

N.B. All of the following 19 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Have you ever spent any length of time watching the stars? They are fascinating, beautiful, far too many to count. And on that first Christmas there was a star shining, brighter than any of the others we have seen. With what wonder must those first travellers; the vast assembly of wise men from lands afar (yes, there were probably more than three wise men); have gazed upon that first Christmas star, the one leading them to the child: the most important person they were ever going to meet. The star that guided them night and day, across desert, field, town and country to the King of all the universe! What awe must have filled them as they travelled, thinking about the King that they were going to meet. I wonder what visions of great palaces and mountains of wealth and goodness filled their heads as they travelled.

And when they arrived, (after making a short stop at Herod’s palace) they found small boy. A tiny child, whose eyes would have filled with wonder and curiosity at the sight of these strange travellers, bearing gifts quite un-useful for a toddler. How much would Jesus have known at such a young age, and what treasured memories would have been stored up in the hearts of Mary and Joseph. All parents must wonder what their child is going to be like when they grow up. Jesus was the Saviour of the World, but in what capacity. What marvellous things was he going to do? It was no wonder that Mary seemed hurried to get him started at the wedding at Cana. She’d been waiting 30ish years since the Angel first visited her, giving her the news that would change her life forever. Did she know that in 33 years she would watch as her son was brutally tortured and nailed on a cross to die? I wonder.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• What stars are you following? What do you really want to get out of life? It doesn’t say on anyone’s gravestone, they wished they’d spent more time at the office!

• What angels will visit you today? What messages are you listening to? Those siren voices complaining that you aren’t good enough, rich enough, clever enough, attractive enough? Or the voices of affirmation that say to you, like they said to Mary, that God thinks you’re OK, that he has a purpose for your life, that he can be alive in you. The word angel means ‘messenger’. There are messages for you today.

• And why not buy a real ever-new, evergreen Christmas tree in a pot this year, and then you can keep it for next year too!

• If you have a cut tree, make sure you recycle it! 90% never are!

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall!” Larry Wilde

Debts

N.B. All of the following 20 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

So many people think the Christmas season is about buying stuff. (In actual fact so many people think life is about buying stuff… but we’ll leave that for now.) As much as I love giving gifts to those I love, and enjoy sharing what I have with others, I don’t ever think that should be limited to the month of December.

Giving is more than spending money on a present that the receiver may or may not want, and may or may not leave in a box until they can find someone else to give it to. Giving is about the surrendering of your own agenda. It’s about listening to a friend, and not wanting to jump in with your own stories. It’s about being able to just be in silence with someone else. It’s about remembering to ask them how their day was before moaning about your own. It’s about recognising when they’re having a really crap day, but trying not to show it. It’s about the encouraging smile or wink that you sneak in when no-one else is looking. Christmas may include the giving and receiving of hundreds of pounds worth of presents for you – but don’t forget to give yourself to your loved ones. Chances are they’ll remember that gift much longer than the one in the wrapping paper.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Cut up the credit cards now. If things are really that bad, then there’s really no alternative.

• Only use cash. It will help you keep a better check on how much you’re spending.

• Do another quick bit of mental arithmetic. How much do you earn? How much can you afford? What can you realistically spend on Christmas this year?

• For help with debt, phone the National Debtline on 0808 8084000 or go to the Citizens Advice Bureau website, www.adviceguide.org.uk. The Christian Stewardship website www.stewardship.org.uk also has lots of helpful information including a Christmas challenge and top ten tips for financial management at Christmas. Or look at the Church of England’s Matter of Life or Debt pages www.cofe.anglican.org/debt.

• And what other debts do you have? What outstanding claims of love, forgiveness, generosity and mercy do you owe, and how will you pay them?

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

Myths

N.B. All of the following 21 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Our church, like many others, is putting on a Nativity play again this year. It is filled with the usual array of songs, angel-like children playing innkeepers, shepherds and King’s, while Mary and Joseph blissfully arrive at the front of stage with a manger of straw and a few human looking animals. It will be delightful I’m sure, and parents will beam with pride as their children sing sweetly on the stage in groups. And hey, people will even enjoy it and clap etc. But once again, I am left wondered what kind of true message we are sending to the world at Christmas.

Do you know anyone who lives in a family where the parents, in the midst of hardship and pain sing a song, completely agree and support each other and never once lose their temper, get frustrated or argue? I’m not saying that good marriages don’t exist (I have been lucky to see a few in my time) but there is often so little reality in the Nativity story put on by schools, churches and youth groups that I struggle to understand why we do it like that.

“The story of family life at the heart of the Christmas story is radically different. Mary is a teenage mum.  Pregnant outside of marriage, she is almost abandoned and then wonderfully supported by her husband-to-be. About to give birth, they travel great distances in order to conform to the tax regulations of an occupying foreign power. There is nowhere for the child to be born, so Mary ends up giving birth in a cowshed at the back of a pub. There was no midwife. No gas and air. No clean sheets. No epidural.” Stephen Cottrell

This is the story that is written about in the Bible, the story of Jesus’ entering into the world a human baby. Can I emphasise the HUMAN in that sentence? He was willing to put his life into the hands of a human mother, a young girl, that the pain and suffering in the world would become part of his pain and suffering, the frustrations and joys of being alive on earth would become his. Do you know many new-born babies that settle down to sleep and never cry? Ask any new parent how much sleep they’ve been getting and you’d come a lot closer to your answer than to read the lyrics of ‘Away in a Manger’.

So this Christmas, don’t feel like your family is not like every other family. Don’t spend time wishing you were somewhere else. Just enjoy them. Enjoy the time that you have with them. And don’t regret a single moment of it.

DNCIC recommendations:

• Pick up the phone…
•  … or at least send a text or an email, but not one that adds to people’s burdens, demanding a reply – just something to let someone know that you are thinking of them.
• Imagine yourself into the shoes of a family member, especially one you’re finding difficult. What are you like to them? And what are the challenges they are facing?
• Try to spend a few moments each day thinking and praying for your family. Christmas is often the time when families get together and often the time when they fall apart. Think through what your family is facing, and pour some goodwill into them.

“If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.” Woody Allen

Gifts

N.B. All of the following 22 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Do you know what I really want this Christmas? I want to be in the Philippines. I want to see the kids I know and love so much. I want to be able to hug them, tell them I love them and enjoy their innocent playful nature without restriction. I want to discover a bit of meaning and purpose. I want some reassurance that love can last. That people can still fall in love, and get married and make it last long enough to see retirement through. I want to laugh, and not feel guilty about laughing. To feel good, and not be wondering when something will happen that will shatter that. To enjoy some time off, and not dread going back to work. To not feel like there are a million things I need to be doing. To be able to have hope in a future that means something. That’s what I’m really hoping for this Christmas.

• Dare to find some time to stop and be still, if only for a few minutes. Ask what truly brings you joy and comfort, and see how this could become part of your Christmas celebration.
• In which case, for Christmas I would like a long walk in the countryside… or a hot bath… or to lie on the floor and listen to a piece of music. But what about you? What is your deepest wish? What would you really like?
• And what do you want for the world?

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” Hamilton Wright Mabie.

Hypocrite

N.B. All of the following 23 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Why is it that everyone expects everything to be okay at Christmas? And that people spend so much time buying presents for the people they love rather than just spending all time they waste down the shops with them?

Why do so many people wonder why young people act so spoilt, selfish and individualistic when the adults of the previous generation act the same way? Spending money that you can’t afford on an expensive all-you-can-dream-of-gadget-phone because you’ve lied to yourself so much that you believe that you really need it and then not putting a single penny in the offering plate at church because you ‘can’t afford it’ is no less selfish.

No you don’t ‘need’ that 60-inch plasma screen TV, no you don’t ‘need’ that brand new car while the old one still works, nor that touch screen tablet computer, nor that £120 pair of trainers that were probably made by small child slaves… did you know that there are kids starving in the world? In fact, did you know that there’s probably a homeless guy sleeping not that far from where you’re reading this right now? Did you know there’s probably someone sitting near you in church worrying about how they are going to afford the rent this Christmas? If only we were all capable of opening our eyes and looking further than our own interests.

I’m not saying this because I’ve got it all sorted. I’m just more aware of how much of a hypocrite I am. I’m aware that there is major problems with the way I live my life compared to the way I should be living it. And I get frustrated when I look around at all the ‘Christians’ in churches who don’t seem to be aware of the issues, who appear to be able to sleep soundly at night, apparently content with their input in God’s wonderful plan for the world. That’s nice for them. But I’d rather live in the truth, knowing the suffering and striving to do something about it, than to sleep soundly in ignorance my whole life.

I’ve asked not to receive presents this year. And apparently that annoys some people. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I am just trying to learn how to live with less stuff this year, and it’s hard to do that when I am receiving a pile of gifts at Christmas. If anyone reading this is really desperate to get me a gift this year, buy me a book. There are hundreds of books I am dying to read, to help me to understand God, love and life better. Check out my Amazon wishlist.

Anyway, back to the book: DNCIC:

• Give everyone the same thing. Choose one book that you love and buy everyone a copy.
• Instead of spending a fortune at the shops – let alone the time and hassle – make everyone a jar of marmalade, or pick some onions. This could all be done in one evening.
• Agree with your family and friends that you will all buy and receive one present with an agreed price limit.
• Buy everyone a present from charities such as Christian Aid or Oxfam and help the world in the process. Contact www.oxfam.org.uk or www.christianaid.org.uk. And there are lots of other charities that offer ways of giving presents that help others.

“Please note: Christmas has been cancelled this year. Apparently you told Santa you have been good this year. He died laughing.” Anonymous.

Advent

N.B. All of the following 24 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Firstly I must apologise for my extreme lack of blogging this year. There are a number of reasons for this: I have discovered twitter, I am doing a degree, and I no longer have the internet at home. That and I may have just run out of interesting things to say. Anyway, I doubt any of you are that bothered, so I’ll finish the excuses there.

So it’s the first of December, and every where children and young people are scoffing their way through the first day (plus a few!) of their advent calendars, while parents come to a shock reality that it’s only 24 days till ‘C-Day’. I remember when I was younger my Mum used to make our advent calendars in little cotton bags – and each year we were given a different coloured used to tie the bags. The bags would hang randomly around the dado rail in the hall-way and each day we would have to search for the right number, and then perform some kind of balancing circus trick in order to retrieve them. We would all get something different, but Mum would always ensure that everyone got the same amount of stuff over the 24 days. It probably took lot s of organising: Thanks Mum. J

Nowadays I don’t have an advent calendar. In fact most years the 1^st December comes and goes and it’s only when it hits around the 18^th December that I realise that Christmas is just around the corner. Cottrell says there are 4 stages of Christmas:

1. You believe in Father Christmas.

2. You don’t believe in Father Christmas.

3. You are Father Christmas.

4. You look like Father Christmas.  (I guess this only applies to men….)

I guess I have been at stage 2 for at least 14 years, and will probably continue to be so for a while yet. This year, I am looking forward to Christmas, or at least Christmas being over with. This year has been a long one for many reasons, and I’m ready for it to be over now. 2011 was supposed to be so full of hope. It was supposed to be full of opportunities. It was supposed to be the year when everything started to fall into place. I’m not sure if I’m giving up too early but I don’t think it delivered. Maybe I just expected too much too soon.

Anyway, DNCIC gives a few recommendations every day of things to help you to stop, calm down and remember the ‘reason for the season.’ (I’ll list them at the end of every blog.) Anyway, TODAY:

·    Write a Christmas wish list – not things you want to consume or purchase, but things to believe in, things to hope for.

·   Prune your Christmas card list.

·   At least make sure it is Charity cards you buy.

·   Don’t write: ‘Must see you this year’ on your cards unless you actually mean it. And if you don’t mean it, why are you sending this card at all?

·   Help save the planet and send an email-card, and then a note about which charity the money saved has been sent to.

·   And with all the time you’ve saved, put your feet up for an hour!

“Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.” Ogden Nash.

Divine Hugs

It's 9.30am on a Tuesday and already you're feeling pulled in a million different directions. Then it's Tuesday evening, and the busy day has faded into memories and smiles. Soon it's 2am but there's still no chance of sleep. Wednesday morning is filled with expectations - there is so much to do. But the weather is looking good and the day goes well, filled with conversation and the building of friendships. But eventually everyone else goes home, and you have to finish this work that you started some hours before. At 6pm it starts to rain, and all of a sudden that tape that is holding your life together starts to rip, and gradually, gradually, the tears begin to flow. You find yourself looking through photo's of years gone by, and suddenly the people that are missing in your life seem so far away. You realise that you didn't see the time slipping through your fingers.

Breakfast

N.B. I've just been on a five day camp in some woods in Lincolnshire... and realised how much I love being outside in natural surroundings. Southend is not so much fun. :(

Have you ever been up so early enough to watch the sunrise? It's a beautiful sight, if the sky is clear, watching the world awaken before your very eyes. I don't often get up that early, although more so in the Philippines because I'm not and sticky and my body clock is all out of sync, but whilst on camp I got up early a few times... mainly because I was cold and uncomfortable. 

The last morning on camp we slept out in the woods in makeshift bivvy shelters, and lived on army ration packs for 24 hours, which was a fun adventure. :) But the most beautiful part for me was wakening early on Friday morning, around 5am (again, because of the cold). I decided to get up and make a fire to warm me up, so I set off in the breaking light of the dawn to collect some wood and stuff to get the glowing embers from the night before going again.

As I was wandering through the woods, I noticed the sunlight shining through the trees, so fetched my camera and took the pic (above.) I spent a few minutes standing, feeling the warmth of the sun as it pierced the dark landscape around me, scattering across the woodland floor. And as I began to build the fire and watched the flames slowly grow and surround the twigs and branches, my mind cast back to that passage of Jesus in John 21 as he stands on the shore early in the morning talking to his disciples before he makes breakfast for them.

There are no specific details in the text about how Jesus made the breakfast, but building my fire in the musky light of dawn, I was touched by this great sense of entering into the humanness of that action. Hands that surrendered to nails, collecting some wood, carefully constructing a fire, lighting the tinder... there were no such thing as matches those days... which method did Jesus use to light the fire? How long did it take him? Did he have all the frustrations of me and my friends of desperately trying to keep the small flame aglow? I wonder how tenderly those hands prepared the fish, did he singe a finger or two in the heat of the fire? All these questions may seem so insignificant, but entering into such a human act, brings the enormousness of what such a perfect man as Jesus was prepared to undergo in the suffering of the cross, that much closer to home. God bless you. x

Gratitude

N.B. I've been so moody of late. Not entirely sure why. Might just be the stress of the final weeks of college, and the lack of sleep. Who knows. Anyways, so I just wanted to note that I am so thankful of the life I have had, and that I appreciate so much how easy it has really been.

July is approaching and so forth the start of my challenge. A lot has been purged to family, friends and other randoms, and I must say I am feeling better for the space and clarity it has given me in my head. I don't like feeling cluttered - it makes me feel trapped physically and emotionally. So having a bit more room to dance around is nice. :)

So, the list is written (see below). No doubt a few more things will be added as I find them (or fail to get rid of them before July) but I'm pretty happy with it. Feel free to question me at all. I'm open to questions. There are a few more things that I have decided not to place on my list, for example:
- Shampoo etc. This is basically because it's hygiene. I don't buy expensive washing equipment... the basics is good enough for me.
- Towel's. (again - hygiene, though I have only kept 2!) and other bed linen/blankets. This is because they will count as part of my bed when they are being used.
- Household Items such as the hoover, dust pan and brush, mop, bucket, tape measure, screw driver etc.
- Items that I have/need specifically for work or University. This is because these items are not part of my personal spending. (E.g. Work Phone, USB stick, Diary etc.)
- Digital Items – such as music and photographs.

My Challenge List - as of 18th May 2011.

1. My Bed
2. One small Table
3. One chest of Drawers
4. TV
5. DVD Player
6. Camp Chair
7. Bedside lamp
8. Black Rug
9. Glasses
10. One Bible (NIV Translation)
11. Camera (Lead & SD Card)
12. iPod (Earphones & Connector)
13. Mobile Phone (My non work phone)
14. Wallet
15. Backpack
16. One Journal
17. Pencil Case
18. Sentimental Jewellery [One ring, and bracelets from the Philippines/friends]
19. One Library
20. Memory Box (Mostly paper and cards from children/young people and friends)
21. Guitar (Capo, Picks, Strap, Case)
22. Saxophone
23. 3x3 Rubiks Cube
24. Isaac & Rabbit (the two cuddly toys that sleep in my bed.)
25. Photo Albums
26. Philippines Flag
27. Sleeping Bag
28. Bike
29. Bike Lock
30. Camp blanket
31. Suitcase
32. Toothbrush
33. Wash Bag
34. Small bag of make-up (for weddings)
35. Hair brush
36. Hair straighteners
37. Razor
38. First Aid Kit
39. Socks
40. Pants
41. Bras
42. Grey Hat
43. Swimming Costume
44. Goggles
45. Orange Ethletics
46. Black Converse
47. Red Converse
48. White trainers (Elements)
49. Grey Vans
50. Wellies
51. Jeans
52. Jeans
53. ¾ Combats
54. Grey Jean-shorts
55. Black Skinnies
56. Black jogging bottoms
57. Black shorts
58. Man Hoodie
59. Fila Hoodie
60. Easy Hoodie
61. Black Zippy
62. OC Hoodie
63. LLLL Hoodie
64. Youthworker Hoodie
65. Black jumper
66. Apo Island T-Shirt (black)
67. 8:32 T-Shirt
68. Counting Crows T-Shirt
69. Black T-Shirt
70. Fila T-Shirt
71. Kabankalan T-Shirt
72. Filipino Sun T-Shirt
73. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
74. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
75. L-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
76. L-S Black T-Shirt
77. L-S Black T-Shirt
78. S-S Turquoise Shirt
79. Black tie
80. L-S Shirt (black)
81. L-S Long Shirt (grey/black)
82. L-S Smart Shirt (white/black)
83. Smart purple jumper
84. Smart Trousers (black)
85. Black skirt
86. Colourful skirt
87. Black leggings
88. White leggings
89. Long black leggings (winter)
90. Green Dress
91. Pyjamas (summer)
92. Pyjamas (summer)
93. Pyjamas (winter)
94. Blue Scarf
95. Winter Coat
96. Waterproof coat

Girl

I've had a lovely afternoon down the beach with some kiddies, but my absolute favourite conversation of the day went like this:

Hannah: My friend nearly got stolen by a stranger once.
Ami: Well that's why I like you to stay where I can see you. Because I don't want anybody to take you away!
Hannah: That's okay, you just kick them in the balls!
Ami: *hysterical laughter!*

I didn't actually get the chance to enquire about who taught her that...

Overwhelmed

N.B. If you are any sort of regular reader of this thing... which I doubt you are... then you'll know that every now and again I just have to let it out. This is one of those blogs.

Overwhelmed. That's how I feel today. And for once, I realise a little bit why. I'm 22, and I'm not yet in charge of my own life. My life has; thus far; been dictated to me. And even now as a student, much of what should give me independance... doesn't. I am constantly at the beck and call of deadlines, assignments, stuff I have to do for work, when I get paid (or don't.), when I can have time off. The Government tells me what I have to pay, what opportunities I have for my life... how the future is going to be. Culture dictates what makes me cool (or not cool is more the point). Adverts tell me that if I don't have the latest iPhone/Blackberry/Dell computer then I am a loser. (And well... I guess that makes me a loser.)

Actually, all of that doesn't really matter that much. I guess that's why I also have this underlying feeling of complete and utter guilt. Because all of these things that are making me feel a bit pants shouldn't. Because ultimately, God is in charge of all of those things. But I guess it's that this feeling is stopping me doing what I want to be doing - amazing things through and for God. Right now I am powerless and completely penniless... and there is nothing I can do about it. *sigh*

Thankful

Whilst reading the 'Enough' book, it spends some time suggesting how modern people can break out of the pressure of desperately needing more and more things to be fulfilled. One suggestion is to learn to be grateful for things that we so often take for granted. John Naish (the guy who wrote the book) talks about the Three Beautiful Things blog in which the author writes each day about three things that she is grateful for. I've read a few entries and I really like the idea. It is similar to the daily thankfulness I tried last year, (when I used my FB status each day to give thanks for something instead of complaining about something), and also the 1000 Awesome Things blog which is also highly amusing.

Sometimes they seem really random, but I think that in learning to be grateful for that which we have, we un-learn the need to have 'more' in all areas of our life. So I thought I'd give it a go and see how I get on. I guess for me it all seems highly fitting in this time of 'reassessing' my needs - and learning to let go of so much that has made life comfortable over the 22 years, 3 weeks and 2 days that I have spent on this earth. So here goes.

Today I am thankful for:

Sunshine alarm clocks.

Both in my flat in Southend and when at home-home in Brentwood, an alarm clock is a rather over-rated thing, as Mr Sun will often do the job just as adequately. But there is something deeply warming about waking up to sunlight on your face that sets the day up to be something wonderful.

A Toddlers Secret Language

I love my niece. (Have I mentioned before?) In a year I have gone from being 'Amamama', to 'Ami-sh' to 'Amana', and I think I am at last Auntie Ami. But there is something about the time I spend with her that is refreshing, heart-warming, and most of the time, deeply hilarious. At only 2 years, 4 months old, she hasn't quite grasped the English language in all it's fullness (well, who has?) and so much of the time, conversations with her often require a great deal of guessing or bluffing. Today we had almost a ten minute conversation with me having absolutely no clue at all what she was saying. She didn't seem all that fussed. My bluffing must be good! Anyway, I love that when she says 'oooff-gho', I know she means 'Let's go!'

Cousins

Today I spent some time with my cousins, whom I haven't seen much of in the last few years, mainly because of me being away in Southend. Anyways, they're 12-year-old triplets that I used to love spending time with when I was younger, and today, I spent a few hours reminiscing with them and telling them all about funny little things they used to do. It was great fun. It's strange really though, having family whose parent is a sibling of your parent (meaning they grew up together) and yet often cousins have lifes completely different to yours. Anyways, it was so cool, spending time with these 12-year olds who I used to see really often, and realising all of a sudden that they are people who have their own ideas, opinions, but you have this weird deep connection, even though you haven't seen each other for ages... and you could actually have some kind of an impact on how they see the world. I mean, when I was their age, I looked up to the older cousins of the family, but I've never really thought that the Triplets might do that to me. In a way I hope they do, and I hope that I teach them something fantastic about the world. I dunno... It's something I'm thankful for.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna shut up now cause I've blogged more in the last few days than the last year altogether! May God bless you and may you learn something fantastic about His love for you this Easter.