Myths

N.B. All of the following 21 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Our church, like many others, is putting on a Nativity play again this year. It is filled with the usual array of songs, angel-like children playing innkeepers, shepherds and King’s, while Mary and Joseph blissfully arrive at the front of stage with a manger of straw and a few human looking animals. It will be delightful I’m sure, and parents will beam with pride as their children sing sweetly on the stage in groups. And hey, people will even enjoy it and clap etc. But once again, I am left wondered what kind of true message we are sending to the world at Christmas.

Do you know anyone who lives in a family where the parents, in the midst of hardship and pain sing a song, completely agree and support each other and never once lose their temper, get frustrated or argue? I’m not saying that good marriages don’t exist (I have been lucky to see a few in my time) but there is often so little reality in the Nativity story put on by schools, churches and youth groups that I struggle to understand why we do it like that.

“The story of family life at the heart of the Christmas story is radically different. Mary is a teenage mum.  Pregnant outside of marriage, she is almost abandoned and then wonderfully supported by her husband-to-be. About to give birth, they travel great distances in order to conform to the tax regulations of an occupying foreign power. There is nowhere for the child to be born, so Mary ends up giving birth in a cowshed at the back of a pub. There was no midwife. No gas and air. No clean sheets. No epidural.” Stephen Cottrell

This is the story that is written about in the Bible, the story of Jesus’ entering into the world a human baby. Can I emphasise the HUMAN in that sentence? He was willing to put his life into the hands of a human mother, a young girl, that the pain and suffering in the world would become part of his pain and suffering, the frustrations and joys of being alive on earth would become his. Do you know many new-born babies that settle down to sleep and never cry? Ask any new parent how much sleep they’ve been getting and you’d come a lot closer to your answer than to read the lyrics of ‘Away in a Manger’.

So this Christmas, don’t feel like your family is not like every other family. Don’t spend time wishing you were somewhere else. Just enjoy them. Enjoy the time that you have with them. And don’t regret a single moment of it.

DNCIC recommendations:

• Pick up the phone…
•  … or at least send a text or an email, but not one that adds to people’s burdens, demanding a reply – just something to let someone know that you are thinking of them.
• Imagine yourself into the shoes of a family member, especially one you’re finding difficult. What are you like to them? And what are the challenges they are facing?
• Try to spend a few moments each day thinking and praying for your family. Christmas is often the time when families get together and often the time when they fall apart. Think through what your family is facing, and pour some goodwill into them.

“If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.” Woody Allen

Gifts

N.B. All of the following 22 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Do you know what I really want this Christmas? I want to be in the Philippines. I want to see the kids I know and love so much. I want to be able to hug them, tell them I love them and enjoy their innocent playful nature without restriction. I want to discover a bit of meaning and purpose. I want some reassurance that love can last. That people can still fall in love, and get married and make it last long enough to see retirement through. I want to laugh, and not feel guilty about laughing. To feel good, and not be wondering when something will happen that will shatter that. To enjoy some time off, and not dread going back to work. To not feel like there are a million things I need to be doing. To be able to have hope in a future that means something. That’s what I’m really hoping for this Christmas.

• Dare to find some time to stop and be still, if only for a few minutes. Ask what truly brings you joy and comfort, and see how this could become part of your Christmas celebration.
• In which case, for Christmas I would like a long walk in the countryside… or a hot bath… or to lie on the floor and listen to a piece of music. But what about you? What is your deepest wish? What would you really like?
• And what do you want for the world?

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” Hamilton Wright Mabie.

Hypocrite

N.B. All of the following 23 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Why is it that everyone expects everything to be okay at Christmas? And that people spend so much time buying presents for the people they love rather than just spending all time they waste down the shops with them?

Why do so many people wonder why young people act so spoilt, selfish and individualistic when the adults of the previous generation act the same way? Spending money that you can’t afford on an expensive all-you-can-dream-of-gadget-phone because you’ve lied to yourself so much that you believe that you really need it and then not putting a single penny in the offering plate at church because you ‘can’t afford it’ is no less selfish.

No you don’t ‘need’ that 60-inch plasma screen TV, no you don’t ‘need’ that brand new car while the old one still works, nor that touch screen tablet computer, nor that £120 pair of trainers that were probably made by small child slaves… did you know that there are kids starving in the world? In fact, did you know that there’s probably a homeless guy sleeping not that far from where you’re reading this right now? Did you know there’s probably someone sitting near you in church worrying about how they are going to afford the rent this Christmas? If only we were all capable of opening our eyes and looking further than our own interests.

I’m not saying this because I’ve got it all sorted. I’m just more aware of how much of a hypocrite I am. I’m aware that there is major problems with the way I live my life compared to the way I should be living it. And I get frustrated when I look around at all the ‘Christians’ in churches who don’t seem to be aware of the issues, who appear to be able to sleep soundly at night, apparently content with their input in God’s wonderful plan for the world. That’s nice for them. But I’d rather live in the truth, knowing the suffering and striving to do something about it, than to sleep soundly in ignorance my whole life.

I’ve asked not to receive presents this year. And apparently that annoys some people. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I am just trying to learn how to live with less stuff this year, and it’s hard to do that when I am receiving a pile of gifts at Christmas. If anyone reading this is really desperate to get me a gift this year, buy me a book. There are hundreds of books I am dying to read, to help me to understand God, love and life better. Check out my Amazon wishlist.

Anyway, back to the book: DNCIC:

• Give everyone the same thing. Choose one book that you love and buy everyone a copy.
• Instead of spending a fortune at the shops – let alone the time and hassle – make everyone a jar of marmalade, or pick some onions. This could all be done in one evening.
• Agree with your family and friends that you will all buy and receive one present with an agreed price limit.
• Buy everyone a present from charities such as Christian Aid or Oxfam and help the world in the process. Contact www.oxfam.org.uk or www.christianaid.org.uk. And there are lots of other charities that offer ways of giving presents that help others.

“Please note: Christmas has been cancelled this year. Apparently you told Santa you have been good this year. He died laughing.” Anonymous.

Advent

N.B. All of the following 24 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Firstly I must apologise for my extreme lack of blogging this year. There are a number of reasons for this: I have discovered twitter, I am doing a degree, and I no longer have the internet at home. That and I may have just run out of interesting things to say. Anyway, I doubt any of you are that bothered, so I’ll finish the excuses there.

So it’s the first of December, and every where children and young people are scoffing their way through the first day (plus a few!) of their advent calendars, while parents come to a shock reality that it’s only 24 days till ‘C-Day’. I remember when I was younger my Mum used to make our advent calendars in little cotton bags – and each year we were given a different coloured used to tie the bags. The bags would hang randomly around the dado rail in the hall-way and each day we would have to search for the right number, and then perform some kind of balancing circus trick in order to retrieve them. We would all get something different, but Mum would always ensure that everyone got the same amount of stuff over the 24 days. It probably took lot s of organising: Thanks Mum. J

Nowadays I don’t have an advent calendar. In fact most years the 1^st December comes and goes and it’s only when it hits around the 18^th December that I realise that Christmas is just around the corner. Cottrell says there are 4 stages of Christmas:

1. You believe in Father Christmas.

2. You don’t believe in Father Christmas.

3. You are Father Christmas.

4. You look like Father Christmas.  (I guess this only applies to men….)

I guess I have been at stage 2 for at least 14 years, and will probably continue to be so for a while yet. This year, I am looking forward to Christmas, or at least Christmas being over with. This year has been a long one for many reasons, and I’m ready for it to be over now. 2011 was supposed to be so full of hope. It was supposed to be full of opportunities. It was supposed to be the year when everything started to fall into place. I’m not sure if I’m giving up too early but I don’t think it delivered. Maybe I just expected too much too soon.

Anyway, DNCIC gives a few recommendations every day of things to help you to stop, calm down and remember the ‘reason for the season.’ (I’ll list them at the end of every blog.) Anyway, TODAY:

·    Write a Christmas wish list – not things you want to consume or purchase, but things to believe in, things to hope for.

·   Prune your Christmas card list.

·   At least make sure it is Charity cards you buy.

·   Don’t write: ‘Must see you this year’ on your cards unless you actually mean it. And if you don’t mean it, why are you sending this card at all?

·   Help save the planet and send an email-card, and then a note about which charity the money saved has been sent to.

·   And with all the time you’ve saved, put your feet up for an hour!

“Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.” Ogden Nash.

Divine Hugs

It's 9.30am on a Tuesday and already you're feeling pulled in a million different directions. Then it's Tuesday evening, and the busy day has faded into memories and smiles. Soon it's 2am but there's still no chance of sleep. Wednesday morning is filled with expectations - there is so much to do. But the weather is looking good and the day goes well, filled with conversation and the building of friendships. But eventually everyone else goes home, and you have to finish this work that you started some hours before. At 6pm it starts to rain, and all of a sudden that tape that is holding your life together starts to rip, and gradually, gradually, the tears begin to flow. You find yourself looking through photo's of years gone by, and suddenly the people that are missing in your life seem so far away. You realise that you didn't see the time slipping through your fingers.

Breakfast

N.B. I've just been on a five day camp in some woods in Lincolnshire... and realised how much I love being outside in natural surroundings. Southend is not so much fun. :(

Have you ever been up so early enough to watch the sunrise? It's a beautiful sight, if the sky is clear, watching the world awaken before your very eyes. I don't often get up that early, although more so in the Philippines because I'm not and sticky and my body clock is all out of sync, but whilst on camp I got up early a few times... mainly because I was cold and uncomfortable. 

The last morning on camp we slept out in the woods in makeshift bivvy shelters, and lived on army ration packs for 24 hours, which was a fun adventure. :) But the most beautiful part for me was wakening early on Friday morning, around 5am (again, because of the cold). I decided to get up and make a fire to warm me up, so I set off in the breaking light of the dawn to collect some wood and stuff to get the glowing embers from the night before going again.

As I was wandering through the woods, I noticed the sunlight shining through the trees, so fetched my camera and took the pic (above.) I spent a few minutes standing, feeling the warmth of the sun as it pierced the dark landscape around me, scattering across the woodland floor. And as I began to build the fire and watched the flames slowly grow and surround the twigs and branches, my mind cast back to that passage of Jesus in John 21 as he stands on the shore early in the morning talking to his disciples before he makes breakfast for them.

There are no specific details in the text about how Jesus made the breakfast, but building my fire in the musky light of dawn, I was touched by this great sense of entering into the humanness of that action. Hands that surrendered to nails, collecting some wood, carefully constructing a fire, lighting the tinder... there were no such thing as matches those days... which method did Jesus use to light the fire? How long did it take him? Did he have all the frustrations of me and my friends of desperately trying to keep the small flame aglow? I wonder how tenderly those hands prepared the fish, did he singe a finger or two in the heat of the fire? All these questions may seem so insignificant, but entering into such a human act, brings the enormousness of what such a perfect man as Jesus was prepared to undergo in the suffering of the cross, that much closer to home. God bless you. x

Gratitude

N.B. I've been so moody of late. Not entirely sure why. Might just be the stress of the final weeks of college, and the lack of sleep. Who knows. Anyways, so I just wanted to note that I am so thankful of the life I have had, and that I appreciate so much how easy it has really been.

July is approaching and so forth the start of my challenge. A lot has been purged to family, friends and other randoms, and I must say I am feeling better for the space and clarity it has given me in my head. I don't like feeling cluttered - it makes me feel trapped physically and emotionally. So having a bit more room to dance around is nice. :)

So, the list is written (see below). No doubt a few more things will be added as I find them (or fail to get rid of them before July) but I'm pretty happy with it. Feel free to question me at all. I'm open to questions. There are a few more things that I have decided not to place on my list, for example:
- Shampoo etc. This is basically because it's hygiene. I don't buy expensive washing equipment... the basics is good enough for me.
- Towel's. (again - hygiene, though I have only kept 2!) and other bed linen/blankets. This is because they will count as part of my bed when they are being used.
- Household Items such as the hoover, dust pan and brush, mop, bucket, tape measure, screw driver etc.
- Items that I have/need specifically for work or University. This is because these items are not part of my personal spending. (E.g. Work Phone, USB stick, Diary etc.)
- Digital Items – such as music and photographs.

My Challenge List - as of 18th May 2011.

1. My Bed
2. One small Table
3. One chest of Drawers
4. TV
5. DVD Player
6. Camp Chair
7. Bedside lamp
8. Black Rug
9. Glasses
10. One Bible (NIV Translation)
11. Camera (Lead & SD Card)
12. iPod (Earphones & Connector)
13. Mobile Phone (My non work phone)
14. Wallet
15. Backpack
16. One Journal
17. Pencil Case
18. Sentimental Jewellery [One ring, and bracelets from the Philippines/friends]
19. One Library
20. Memory Box (Mostly paper and cards from children/young people and friends)
21. Guitar (Capo, Picks, Strap, Case)
22. Saxophone
23. 3x3 Rubiks Cube
24. Isaac & Rabbit (the two cuddly toys that sleep in my bed.)
25. Photo Albums
26. Philippines Flag
27. Sleeping Bag
28. Bike
29. Bike Lock
30. Camp blanket
31. Suitcase
32. Toothbrush
33. Wash Bag
34. Small bag of make-up (for weddings)
35. Hair brush
36. Hair straighteners
37. Razor
38. First Aid Kit
39. Socks
40. Pants
41. Bras
42. Grey Hat
43. Swimming Costume
44. Goggles
45. Orange Ethletics
46. Black Converse
47. Red Converse
48. White trainers (Elements)
49. Grey Vans
50. Wellies
51. Jeans
52. Jeans
53. ¾ Combats
54. Grey Jean-shorts
55. Black Skinnies
56. Black jogging bottoms
57. Black shorts
58. Man Hoodie
59. Fila Hoodie
60. Easy Hoodie
61. Black Zippy
62. OC Hoodie
63. LLLL Hoodie
64. Youthworker Hoodie
65. Black jumper
66. Apo Island T-Shirt (black)
67. 8:32 T-Shirt
68. Counting Crows T-Shirt
69. Black T-Shirt
70. Fila T-Shirt
71. Kabankalan T-Shirt
72. Filipino Sun T-Shirt
73. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
74. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
75. L-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
76. L-S Black T-Shirt
77. L-S Black T-Shirt
78. S-S Turquoise Shirt
79. Black tie
80. L-S Shirt (black)
81. L-S Long Shirt (grey/black)
82. L-S Smart Shirt (white/black)
83. Smart purple jumper
84. Smart Trousers (black)
85. Black skirt
86. Colourful skirt
87. Black leggings
88. White leggings
89. Long black leggings (winter)
90. Green Dress
91. Pyjamas (summer)
92. Pyjamas (summer)
93. Pyjamas (winter)
94. Blue Scarf
95. Winter Coat
96. Waterproof coat

Girl

I've had a lovely afternoon down the beach with some kiddies, but my absolute favourite conversation of the day went like this:

Hannah: My friend nearly got stolen by a stranger once.
Ami: Well that's why I like you to stay where I can see you. Because I don't want anybody to take you away!
Hannah: That's okay, you just kick them in the balls!
Ami: *hysterical laughter!*

I didn't actually get the chance to enquire about who taught her that...

Overwhelmed

N.B. If you are any sort of regular reader of this thing... which I doubt you are... then you'll know that every now and again I just have to let it out. This is one of those blogs.

Overwhelmed. That's how I feel today. And for once, I realise a little bit why. I'm 22, and I'm not yet in charge of my own life. My life has; thus far; been dictated to me. And even now as a student, much of what should give me independance... doesn't. I am constantly at the beck and call of deadlines, assignments, stuff I have to do for work, when I get paid (or don't.), when I can have time off. The Government tells me what I have to pay, what opportunities I have for my life... how the future is going to be. Culture dictates what makes me cool (or not cool is more the point). Adverts tell me that if I don't have the latest iPhone/Blackberry/Dell computer then I am a loser. (And well... I guess that makes me a loser.)

Actually, all of that doesn't really matter that much. I guess that's why I also have this underlying feeling of complete and utter guilt. Because all of these things that are making me feel a bit pants shouldn't. Because ultimately, God is in charge of all of those things. But I guess it's that this feeling is stopping me doing what I want to be doing - amazing things through and for God. Right now I am powerless and completely penniless... and there is nothing I can do about it. *sigh*

Thankful

Whilst reading the 'Enough' book, it spends some time suggesting how modern people can break out of the pressure of desperately needing more and more things to be fulfilled. One suggestion is to learn to be grateful for things that we so often take for granted. John Naish (the guy who wrote the book) talks about the Three Beautiful Things blog in which the author writes each day about three things that she is grateful for. I've read a few entries and I really like the idea. It is similar to the daily thankfulness I tried last year, (when I used my FB status each day to give thanks for something instead of complaining about something), and also the 1000 Awesome Things blog which is also highly amusing.

Sometimes they seem really random, but I think that in learning to be grateful for that which we have, we un-learn the need to have 'more' in all areas of our life. So I thought I'd give it a go and see how I get on. I guess for me it all seems highly fitting in this time of 'reassessing' my needs - and learning to let go of so much that has made life comfortable over the 22 years, 3 weeks and 2 days that I have spent on this earth. So here goes.

Today I am thankful for:

Sunshine alarm clocks.

Both in my flat in Southend and when at home-home in Brentwood, an alarm clock is a rather over-rated thing, as Mr Sun will often do the job just as adequately. But there is something deeply warming about waking up to sunlight on your face that sets the day up to be something wonderful.

A Toddlers Secret Language

I love my niece. (Have I mentioned before?) In a year I have gone from being 'Amamama', to 'Ami-sh' to 'Amana', and I think I am at last Auntie Ami. But there is something about the time I spend with her that is refreshing, heart-warming, and most of the time, deeply hilarious. At only 2 years, 4 months old, she hasn't quite grasped the English language in all it's fullness (well, who has?) and so much of the time, conversations with her often require a great deal of guessing or bluffing. Today we had almost a ten minute conversation with me having absolutely no clue at all what she was saying. She didn't seem all that fussed. My bluffing must be good! Anyway, I love that when she says 'oooff-gho', I know she means 'Let's go!'

Cousins

Today I spent some time with my cousins, whom I haven't seen much of in the last few years, mainly because of me being away in Southend. Anyways, they're 12-year-old triplets that I used to love spending time with when I was younger, and today, I spent a few hours reminiscing with them and telling them all about funny little things they used to do. It was great fun. It's strange really though, having family whose parent is a sibling of your parent (meaning they grew up together) and yet often cousins have lifes completely different to yours. Anyways, it was so cool, spending time with these 12-year olds who I used to see really often, and realising all of a sudden that they are people who have their own ideas, opinions, but you have this weird deep connection, even though you haven't seen each other for ages... and you could actually have some kind of an impact on how they see the world. I mean, when I was their age, I looked up to the older cousins of the family, but I've never really thought that the Triplets might do that to me. In a way I hope they do, and I hope that I teach them something fantastic about the world. I dunno... It's something I'm thankful for.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna shut up now cause I've blogged more in the last few days than the last year altogether! May God bless you and may you learn something fantastic about His love for you this Easter.

Meaning

N.B. The following is apparently the Purpose Driven declaration, by Rick Warren. I found it on a piece of paper in my memory box, read it, and decided yeah! That's it. That's what I'm doing! So even though I could probably quite easily copy and paste it from the internet, I'm not going to. Because I mean every word, I'm going to type every word.

"Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering, I've made my choice, the verdict is in, and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!

I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.

Since my past has been forgiven, adn I have a purpose for living, and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.

Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.

I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back down or back slide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, living on purpose, and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything God entrusts to me.

To my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I say, "However, whenever, wherever and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is YES! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord: whatever it takes! I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say: "Well done thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"

So there you have it! It's gonna be hard, uncomfortable, and painful, but boy, it is going to be worth it! Praise God!!

Enough

N.B. Just finished reading this book: Enough by John Naish. Absolutely excellent book that deals with many of the issues surrounding the culture of consuming and gaining more-more more in everything we have  - and gives practical advice to people who have realised that what they actually have is 'enough' and no more is needed - or even people who don't know how to reach the point of 'enoughness' and instead spend countless amounts of time, money and energy continually searching for fulfillment in stuff, information, status, work etc.

The only thing that would make this book better for me is if the guy who wrote it brought in a stronger Biblical reference - many of the things he says are theologically sound, but as a pro-evolution non-Christian sometimes there is too much evolutionary talk and not enough humans taking responsibility for their own actions and acting the way that God has commanding us. I'd love to meet this guy and chat through the deeper meanings of many of the things he says, and get a better understanding of where he thinks the place for faith and the Bible have in the lifestyle that he promotes.

Anyway, I have begun to sort through the stuff that occupies nearly every space available in my flat. That might sound like  I have a ridiculous amount of stuff... I actually don't, but I definately have more than I need. I sorted through my memory box and actually ended up throwing half of it away. I actually find it more rewarding to have empty space than to have boxes full of things that I don't need. And, for most of my sorting I was joined by next door's cat who whenever I have the patio doors open gets confused about where he lives and comes and explores my flat, meowing loudly everytime he comes across something he's not seen before. Bless.

Things

N.B. I've rediscovered my purpose for life, but reading this book: The 100 Thing Challenge by Dave Bruno. It's absolutely fantastic, highly recommended by me!

So, what's this all about you ask, and what on earth is the 100 thing challenge? Well, it is where an individual seeks to live for a certain period of time with only 100 possessions. Of course, it doesn't have to be an 100 thing challenge. It could be the 10, 25, 50, 75 or even 150 thing challenge. The number isn't important really. It's a personal challenge, with rules made up by yourself. Dave Bruno lived for an entire year with 100 possessions. I am going to do the same, if for no other reason than to keep it simple!

The rules for my challenge are as follows:

1) This is a personal challenge. The items on my list will be things that are entirely my personal possessions.

The purpose of the challenge is not to force my views upon anyone, but rather for myself to break free of any remaining constraints of consumerism that still occupy my spending habits. I will decide when the rules need to be loosened, or even broken.

2) Books. I am not intending to purge any of my books. This is for a number of reasons: 1) I have spent a lot of money buying them, 2) most of them are for college/work and the rest are for my own personal development, and 3) getting rid of them will serve no deeper purpose for breaking my consumerism habits as they are books I have bought to enhance myself, (many are ironically about consumerism) not because I think it will make me cool/trendy/ to keep up with the Joneses. So for the purpose of this challenge, I will be keeping 'one' library.

3) I will be counting my bed, chair and wardrobe on my list, but I will not be counting items such as 'fridge, toaster, cooker etc. Otherwise I would get to nearly 50 objects just by counting my cutlery, plates and kitchen appliances. I can assure you all, I do not have an addiction to buying kitchen equipment, and my cupboards are modestly filled with essentials. I am also not going to count items such as 'a screw driver, allen keys, tape measurer'. These will count as 'household items', needed for the times when I may need to change a fuse or measure something...

4) Some items will count in groups - for example, socks, pants, etc. This is mainly because it would be pretty unhygenic for me to live with limited amounts of underwear, especially as I live alone and could not fill a washing machine with only a weeks worth of clothes. I would therefore either have to walk around commando for the best part of a fortnight, or wash half-loads - both of which are harmful to the environment.

5) I have decided to keep one small 'memoribila box' in order to savour things that I have been given over the years by lovely friends and family, some of whom are no longer around. I assure you, none of these things will be items I myself have purchased, and I will be sorting through  and throwing away a great deal of the fairly large memoribila box I have currently.

6) Digital items such as Music will not count, as these are not possessions I can grasp (and many of which are bought for the benefit of the young people.)

7) Most people who buy me gifts will know that for this year, they are not allowed to buy me things. However, in case anyone can not resist this urge, I will allow myself 7 days from receiving the item before it will count towards my 100 things. In that time I will either need to give it away, give it back, or throw something else away in order to keep it.

8) Finally, I am allowed to buy new things. However, I always have to remain under the 100 thing total. If I am replacing something, I have to get rid of the original thing first before I get the new thing.

So, they are the rules. Now all I have to do is get down to 100 personal things before 1st August. Let the purging begin!

22

N.B. It's my birthday tomorrow, and try as I might, I haven't been the tiniest bit excited. In fact it seems that everyone else is more excited about it being my birthday than me. Perhaps it's because I remember my past birthdays, and am thinking this one won't live up to expectations. Perhaps I've learnt it's better not to have expectations.

So I'm not being very good at blogging this year. To be honest with you, I've lost the enthusiasm and the energy that I started out with. Emotions are not longer fuelled by reaction, but have sunken into (what feels like) an endless pit of acceptingness. This is just how life is now. I am not sure I'm happy with that, but then I'm not sure I'm happy at all. I know that life can be better, and yet no matter what happens, it never seems to be. I feel like I'm just existing. Just living, without truly knowing why. I am indifferent to darkness, death, loss, and upset... because my eyes have become adjusted to this darkness. What is this feeling? I don't know.

So as I said. Tomorrow is the end of March. Another month of 2011 been and gone. Wasn't this year supposed to be better than the last? It never happens does it. *sigh* 

It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know

I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating

Yeah, who am I?

[Let That Be Enough - Switchfoot]

Pedestals

N.B. Have you ever looked up to someone, and been let down by something they did? Or placed someone on a pedestal, and later watched them fall from it? Or maybe you've trusted someone, and then been lied to? Or believed in someone, only to have them give up on you? I have.

Afterwards, the process is much like grieving. There is denial - they wouldn't do that. It can't be true. Then there is anger - how dare they do that! What were they thinking? They're not going to get away with this. My anger faded into hurt, and feeling betrayed. Let down. Rejected. And do you know what happened after that? I saw God. It wasn't one of those vision, dream, appartition kind of ways. But I saw God in the situation. Felt his heart ache, his comfort, and his love. And perhaps learnt a bit about what Jesus meant for us when he told us to love our enemies.

I don't think I have ever had a real enemy. But what if our enemies aren't just the people seeking to destroy us, though they are hard to love too. What if maybe, our enemies are those people we envy? Or maybe they are the people we never accept? Maybe they are our ex-friends? Maybe they are the people who mildly annoy us. Maybe they are those we used to trust? Used to look up to. The people we once put on a pedestal, or those we used to believe in. What if we find it harder to love those people, because they abused our trust, let us down, got close to us, and later betrayed us? Maybe they are the Judas', or the Thomas'; or the Peters'? Maybe they are the people who let us down in our hour of need. Maybe they are the people who are supposed to love us, like our parents, or our siblings, or our children?

I don't know about you, but they are the people I struggle to love the most. Then again, maybe the are the ones who need our love most of all. I've heard it said: love is a dangerous game. And it's right. To love, is to risk being hurt. To open yourself up to rejection, betrayal and pain. But does that make the loving any less worth it? No.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is 'Yet' by Switchfoot. The bridge of the song goes like this:

"If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love,

No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough

Cause it's when you're breaking down

With your insides coming out

That's when you find out what your heart is made of."

If you've never trusted anyone and been lied to, or believed in someone and had them give up on you, or love someone and had your heart broken - have you loved enough?