Chances (Or Why I Walk Slow, Forgive Quick and Love Loads)

N.B. I have depression. Clinical Depression. I have since I was a teenager, but I only really sought out medical help when I was studying at Uni and everything just got far too much to handle: March 2012. Almost 10 years after I probably first began displaying symptoms of depression, I finally plucked up the courage and the know-how to visit my Doctor and get medical help. I've been to counselling. Several different ones actually. I've never really found it to be very helpful. In fact, I've had late night MSN conversations with friends that have aided me more than counselling ever has. But that's just the way of the world, isn't it? The reason I am telling you this is that I have never really publicly spoken out about it before. And I guess if someone wants to understand me and the way my brain works... it's pretty important that you understand that simple fact first and foremost. I'm not looking or asking or wanting sympathy. I just think that it's time that everyone started being more honest with one another... even if it is from behind their computer screen.

I love to walk. I guess that comes in handy, not being able to drive. But I don't mean walking is my preferred method of travel: I regularly use buses, trains, taxis and other people to get around. What I mean is, I love to just... walk. Wander. Hike. Meander. Dilly-Dally. Wherever and whatever I'm doing, I like to take my sweet time about it. Especially if I have no fixed schedule. There is a art in walking slowly. In observing every aspect of your surroundings. The birds. The trees. The clouds. The sun. The warmth. The breeze. The bugs on the ground. The traffic, or lack thereof. The feel.

There are some days when to wander around outside is like you are walking around in heaven. To be in God's world, but to know that it is only temporary, and yet to appreciate every aspect of that perfect day that God has gifted into your hands. He has placed you exactly where you are, and in whatever difficulty or circumstance you are facing... God has given you a chance to just BE. When I am walking slowly, I am not under pressure. I am not at anyone's beck and call. I am not being summoned, or bothered, or interrupted. It is just me and God, taking a stroll. A chance to chat over those ideas and dreams in my head, or listen to the one's in God's. A time to seek forgiveness, guidance, direction, calling and gifting. A time to rethink. A time to let go. Yes, walking slowly is an art form, but that is why I do it.

Some people find it easy to hold grudges. I don't. In fact, I find it's more effort than it's worth. If you hold someone's mistakes against them, you are basically saying that the relationship you had with them; whatever it was; is not as important as the stupid or horrible thing they did or said. It also comes from an assumption that the person is so perfect that they are not going to do anything that hurts or upsets you. And let me be frank: there is NO-ONE in your life who will never upset and hurt you. In fact, those closest to us are the most likely to hurt us. Why? Because they are whom we place on pedestals, assuming that they are so awesome they are infallible. Who is infallible but God?

I'm not advocating letting people walk all over you because they are imperfect and they are bound to hurt you. But if someone does something that upsets or hurts you: Talk to them about it. And then forgive them. And then move on. Holding on to our grudge and our hurt and our bitterness diseases none but our own heart. You may need help to forgive. You will most definitely need prayer. But the more we practice it in our everyday lives, the easier it becomes. I have had a number of people who have been very close to me do things that have really upset me. But I have learned to forgive each and every one of them, because I am incapable of holding grudges. They sit like an ugliness in my heart and a heaviness in my chest and it causes all normal function and life to cease until I let it go. So I have learned to forgive quickly. It's just something that has to be done.

The longer I work as a youth worker, the more I realise that I am incapable of not loving a child. There is something that happens inside of me, the minute I connect with someone, I feel a loving and caring feeling towards them. (Not in a romantic way....) Sometimes, it's from the minute I see their shining little smile looking up at me. For others, the love hits me the minute I see something of their character, or strength, or passion, or hopes, or dreams, or fears. But there is always something... something of God that I see in each and every child and young person I meet. I love that. I love that I love my job. I love that I love my young people. It doesn't mean that they won't annoy me, or frustrate me, or even make me angry. There are definitely days when I feel like throwing in the towel. But then I think about one smile, one laugh, one sparkling or tearful eye, and I remember. To feel loved and accepted for who you are: Surely it is the single most important and desperate search in every young person's life. And ultimately, the answer to that struggle is found in God. But what chance does a young person have in finding that in God if they don't see it in the ones who tell them about God? So I love all my young people. The ones I see weekly. The ones I see monthly. The ones I've met once. The ones I will pass on my way somewhere. The friends of the ones I meet and work with. I love them all. Because God does. What other reason is there?

Loud and Clear

N.B. Today, has been an awesome day. Read on to find out more.

Over the last few weeks, I've not had many of them. There have been plenty of okay days. And a few alright ones. And a fair few really crappy ones. But rare are the days when I can say, "Today has been great." The last few weeks I've been feeling pretty low and vulnerable to hurt, criticism and things not going to plan. All of those things, as well as general busyness and not managing my time very well led to me feeling particularly down last week, and then with my back playing up... everything was pretty dire. I generally try not to show that part of me to most people, but those closest to me see it, or know it.

Anyway, at the weekend I was away(ish) camping with the Junior Section of Hutton Free Church. 8 boys, 4 leaders including me. It was a nice weekend... albeit exhausting, frustrating, loud, pretty sleepless, and because of my trapped nerve, painful. The problem is, that I am one of those people who feels lonely a good 80% of the time, especially when I am surrounded by people who I don't really know 'me.' So although it was a good weekend, and I enjoyed it, I was lonely, and by the time I got home on Sunday afternoon I was desperate for a hug. (It had also been 4 weeks since I last saw Dan, so I was pining.) My two best friends were in London at HTB so they weren't around to meet up/talk to. But instead of laying on my bed crying (which is a general post-weekend away reaction) I somehow found the strength to spend the afternoon doing random little things, (like re-stringing my guitar and browsing Wikipedia) to keep myself busy. And wouldn't you know, my awesome best friends popped in for ten minutes to see me on their way home that night, so I didn't feel forgotten and left out.

But Monday morning I awoke feeling less than energetic about the day. It was my day off, and I'd woke early so I could book myself a Doctor's appointment, and spent the morning pottering about doing odd bits. After the Doctors appt. I wandered over to HSUC where I share an office with Alex to collect my folder for the groups that evening that I had stupidly left behind. Alex was having an 'out of the office working' kind of day, but he popped in for something I was just sitting at my desk sorting some bits out. We didn't speak much, but Alex is one of my best friends in the world, and he just knew that I was feeling 'bleurgh.' So just before he left again he leant down to where I was sitting and kissed me on the top of my head. It was such a spontaneous thing, but in that single second, my day changed. That one small act of love and care broke through my dark clouds and melted my apathy. It made me smile.

The rest of the day went really well. I felt so much more calm and relaxed about the day. Both the clubs that I was helping at/leading that evening went great. I felt energetic, enthusiastic, cheery. And as I went to bed that evening, I felt okay. I wasn't surrounded by the usual dark mist of loneliness that tends to settle in around that time everyone else logs off. I got myself into bed before midnight, and I lay awake in the darkness, I remembered how it felt to be kissed on the head, like a child sitting on her parent's lap, I felt protected and cared for, loved and reassured that everything was going to be okay. And although it was Alex that did it, it was more than that. It was God, knocking on all the bad cloudy thoughts and telling them to be quiet for just a few seconds. It was God, surrounding me with His love and care and reminding me that He would protect me through the storms. It was God's great Fatherly arms that wrapped around me and held me tight. And so as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, I smiled to myself, knowing it was going to be okay.

And that was yesterday. And today was also a great day. I was happy, but I was more than that. I had found rest in my soul. I could laugh and joke and be silly and enjoy being with my friends, colleagues and the kids I work with. I could genuinely say that I was 'good' when someone asked how my day was. That is such a rare moment in my life that I was almost willing people to ask me how I was!

But you know, I'm not saying that every morning I am going to awake feeling on top of the world: I have lived long enough to know that mountain top experiences don't last forever. The dark clouds that frequent my heart and mind come thick and fast, like a thunderstorm, but that one small gesture, that amazingly awesome moment when God barged into my life with flashing lights and a siren... well, I just thought that deserved a blog.

Hidden

N.B. I've been thinking about this blog for a few weeks now. It just so happens that I have nothing else to do on this Saturday evening so the blog has been written! No apologies if this blog offends you in any way. I speak from my heart, and this was on it.

Children & Adults = Church.

What does that equation mean to you? Perhaps you have a vision of children and adults, worshipping together in collective song, giving, prayer, teaching and Bible reading. Perhaps there is a few under enthusiastic-ly sung kids songs, and perhaps a 'Something for Everyone' talk. But more and more I see this happening:

Adults - Children = Church.

I witness children being ignored, told to be quiet, shuffled into a corner, talked over, talked about, glared at if they are making noise, told to sit still during the prayers, and more often than not expected to want to sing songs that are 60+ years old with no real explanation of the complex theological words used within them; and sometimes for no other reason than they rhyme... sort of. What is this "church" we have created? 

During a Baptist child dedication service, the church congregation says they will do all they can to assist the child in their faith as they grow. Is that what we are doing in our church services*? I used to be optimistic. Or maybe I just used to be slightly more ignorant. But more and more recently, I've recognised the general attitude towards children in churches... and it's shocking when you take stock of it. As adults we like to send our children to the best schools we can, with good teachers who encourage and take care of and inspire our children to achieve goals and dreams as they are able.  We choose people to be around our children that we think will care for them, inspire them and teach them about the ways of the world and how to live right. Why then, are we not wanting the same for them in their faith?

When did the enthusiasm for holding children at the HEART of God's family wane so badly? Did we just forget? Did we get so tied up in Hymn 104 that we forgot that our principal duty as stewards of God's kingdom is to pass the joy and acceptance and belonging in Christ's family onto the next generation and the next generation? What are we teaching our children by waiting until they are out of room before we do anything of real spiritual significance? That they aren't good enough or old enough to be followers of Christ? No wonder the 11-30's are leaving the UK church in their drones. They feel pushed away. They feel cheated. They feel bored. They feel out of place.

The thing I love about the Soul Survivor summer camp is that nothing is hidden from the young people. During the services, worship, prayer, communion, ministry, healing, jokes, songs, fun times, bad times, are all shared. As one family of 8000 or more children AND youth workers, they don't hide from the teenagers the struggles, nor the times of connecting with God. They see and experience God at work. In that place. And they see and experience the adults around them worshipping with their heart. Did the kids think I was a bit crazy when I felt like dancing during worship? Sure they did! But did I hide my joy in Christ from them? No. Why do we feel then that we must hide these things from them in our own little congregations?

We MUSTN'T be afraid to invite these children to the heart of our collective meeting with Jesus. We must involve them in the prayer, the worship, the tears, the laughter and the relationship.  We must not give the impression that we know all the answers. We must widen our tolerance. We must not allow negativity and choosiness to enter our churches as we seek to worship as collective individuals. Let ALL be welcome. Otherwise we're just a dying congregation, a clanging cymbal that has no love for the small or the vulnerable of this world. And we miss out on all the blessings God has poured on our young people and our children to share with us.

I leave you with this:

"After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

* I know that church services aren't the only thing that churches involve children in. You might have the most spectacular youth and children's clubs, or even Sunday school. But if we can't accommodate children in the oldest, most central way of meeting together as God's family, then what's the point?

Heartbroken

N.B. I have just returned from a trip to Soul survivor with some young people, during which I must have cried more in that one week than I have done all year. This is what got me thinking about this blog, and the thoughts I have had since I share now.

Many times over the last few months I have looked at the life I am living and thought about how blessed I am. I have come to really appreciate the small things in life that allow you to let worries slip away from your mind, appreciate the friendships that allow you to feel like you can face the world, appreciate the relationships that make you thankful for each day, having a job, that pays just enough so that you don’t have to constantly worry about your bank balance, the home that you can feel comfortable and relaxed in, the family around you that although you don’t always get on with, you are grateful that they are around. And the church that you go to without having to think about what you’ve forgotten to do, the friends that encourage you, the members that are grateful for you and appreciate you for who you are AND what you do. I have all of these things and more in my life.

And yet, at Soul Survivor, I found plenty of reasons to cry. But this year, there was a difference in my tears. I have been to SS eight times now, and many times I have cried because of fear, disappointment, worry, hurt, pain and the unknown. But this year, I cried for the pain of others, the disappointment of others, the unknown that others face, the worry and hurt that others experience. I cried when I heard the heart-wrenching stories of young people living in pain.

I cried for the millions across the world who live in slavery and entrapment. I cried for the children dying of hunger and thirst. I cried for the women and children sold into the sex trade. I cried for the thousands of Christians who have been attacked, threatened, imprisoned, forced to flee their country or even killed for their belief in Jesus. I cried for the children who have lost parents. I cried for the parents who have lost children. And I cried in anger at how unfair it was that so few of us (globally) live with plenty, when so many more go without.

Last year at Soul Survivor, I pleaded with God to break my heart for the things that broke his. And this year I realised that He had. Despite how blessed my life is, I am utterly heartbroken. My heart has been torn in two, trodden on, crushed, split and is bleeding for the pain of this world. Just like Jesus’ heart is. And this heart-ache has no cure on earth. Because until the last tear is wiped away from the last hurt and broken child of this world – my heart will remain broken. I can no longer live a single day in ignorance of the pain and the suffering of this world. The problem is no longer someone else’s problem – it is mine. And it is no longer someone else’s job to fix it, it is mine. And there is no longer a future time to do something about it. That time is now.

And that doesn’t mean that I know all the answers or I know what I’m going to be doing about it. All I know is that I am going to be paying attention to the opportunities God gives me to help someone. Anyone. Because there are plenty of opportunities, aren’t there? Some of us chose to ignore them, to walk on by, to ‘do it another day’ or ‘another time’. But not me. Today is the day, and now is the time.

And God provided me with a chance to help someone about ten minutes after I walked through the door from Soul Survivor. I was smelly, sweaty, hungry and needed a nap, but the *knock knock* at my door put an end to all that. The poor don’t stop being poor when we are eating our dinner. The hurt and broken don’t stop being broken because we are tired and need a nap or a shower. So I breathed a deep breath, and I did all that I could in God’s strength, and afterwards I thanked God for being faithful. And for blessing me so much that I was able to bless others. 

And so, today, just like yesterday, the work begins. Every new day, a new opportunity to get back up on my feet, and search for the moment. It’s going to be an epic journey. Why don’t you come for the ride too? Ask God to break your heart for the things that break His. Allow him to show you what you can do to change the world. And be prepared for tears. God cries them for this world a lot. And now, so do I.

Name

N.B. I know it's always been a while since my last post but I had some good excuses this time. I'll try and fill in my Philippines blogs when I find where I've written them....

Just before Christmas I made the decision to move out of the flat I'd been staying in for the last three and a half years. It wasn't a decision that was made lightly, but I without a job or a steady/decent income, it was just too expensive to stay. So I put my life in boxes, and in the week in between Christmas and New Year, transported it to various lofts, garages, and my Mum's lounge. I then said goodbye to the town that had been my life and my home for five years, and headed back to where it all began: Brentwood. Although I love my family, moving back in with Mum (minus all my stuff) and not being independent has been a bit of an identity shock. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, and it has taken me almost a month to get used to the way things work. I'm so used to having my own space, and doing everything for myself, and now I don't really get that. I feel out of place.

Since finishing my job as a youth worker at the end of August, I've also been 'out of work' although I spent 2 of those months in the Philippines, being a 'big sister' to lots of gorgeous children; at no point was I 'doing' youth work. And back in my home town and at my home church, where people have known me since the tender age of 5, I'm just Ami, who has been missing for five years and who happens to be a qualified youth worker. People have asked for my opinion, but I'm not in charge of anything, and none of the kids/young people really know me so far. And actually, none of the adults really know me very well either. They don't know what I stand for, what I'm good at, what I'm passionate about, what I'm capable of.

At Housegroup the other week, we were discussing the Nooma DVD 'Name', and in church, one of the sermons was talking all about how our identity mustn't be found in what we do, or our service becomes a self-service rather than to benefit God's kingdom, and ultimately, is damaging to ourselves and others. Although I would never normally admit it openly, it really hit home to me how much of my identity is caught up in what I do, and what I perceive to be my 'service' to God, might actually be a lot more about allowing me to find myself rather than to help others. I don't consciously serve others to help myself, I like helping others, and am happy to do so, but perhaps over the years, I have gotten so used to doing things that now that I'm not, I feel lost... As if I have no place in God's kingdom.

I do have this desire to please people. I cannot cope with people being upset with me, and often go out of my way to ensure that whatever hurt I think I have caused is atoned for... even if there wasn't any. The thought that someone is holding a grudge against me really gets to me, and so a lot of the time I will try extra hard to get people to like me by doing things, helpful things, so that people won't think of me as lazy or unwilling to help others. Sometimes I am conscious of this decision, and other times I have volunteered to do something before I am even aware of it myself. I have a real problem with saying no, often because I feel I have no good reason to say no. Other people have kids or partners or families to take care of, and I don't, so why don't I help? The idea of saying 'no' to someone just because I have something better I'd rather be doing doesn't sit too well with me.

So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not quite sure who I am. And I wanted to record that in my blogs, so that people who think of me as having everything sorted and always being strong can know the truth. I'm just as confused and unsure of myself as you. Perhaps I'm just better at hiding it.

Araw 54

I was restless this morning, and I kept waking and dozing from around 5am onwards. Manila is noisy, as is Joyland but the noise here is traffic, motorbike engines and horns, which doesn't calm anyone to sleep. When I woke at 7am , due to someone poking my face, I saw Paul staring at me. This roused me from my dozy state, and I rolled over to play with him and Lance, who was clambering onto the bed. I lay in bed till around 9am, (apart from getting up to eat Milo and cheesey loaf) as I was still fairly tired, and then got up to shower. I then headed out to sit with the Watermelon sellers, amusing myself by sweeping, playing with the kids, and helping to arrange plastic bags onto a bottle. During the course of the morning, nearly every time I was gifted a slice of watermelon by Des's Ate, a street boy (or 6) appeared, hands out to me, asking for money or something to eat. At one time, I was actually quite frightened, as I looked up to find myself surrounded by about 10 boys of various sizes and scruffiness, all trying to talk to me in Tagalog. JR ushered them away, but one boy lingered, and I could not very well continue to enjoy my watermelon while he was watching, so I handed over my half-eaten slice, and he slid away smiling.

After lunch, Des and me set about trying to finish her Inventory Report, but she fell asleep mid-sentence, so I played games on my iPod until she woke up, knowing how tired she was. We worked for a few hours, until her Ate went home with the girls and Raymond, Lhiz and Dang showed up to see me. After an hour or so we headed out to dinner, (my treat) as everyone was hungry and I knew Des didn't have much food in the house. Des dressed Paul up in his neat clothes, showered and changed, and we headed off, 6.5 of us in a tricycle to Mang Inasal. Paul was after a balloon that belonged to a girl at the next table so when we got outside I bought him one (only 50php) and we crossed the road to FCM to World of Fun to play basketball, shooting and driving games. We stayed until 9pm, when it shut, and left, laughing and joking back to Des's. 

The Payatas guys don't stay long as they have to get back to Payatas and we (me, Des, JR and Paul) are all tired anyway and want to get to bed. Des settles Paul down, and I notice that the cut on the top of his ear looks deeper than earlier. It looks painful, but Paul doesn't seem bothered. He soon falls asleep and I get ready for bed, but Des wants help  finishing her inventory report, so we slug on, Des getting snottier by the minute (she has a cold) and me struggling to fall asleep. We finish around midnight, and I waste no time falling asleep - I'm shattered!

Araw 53

Today I decided to keep Des company during work, so we were up at 7.30am for Des's usual working breakfast of Milo and Pandesal. I then get dressed, noticing that te scratch on my right foot is very painful. I worry that it might be ring-worm, after what Shine said about the kids swimming, so put Germolene on it and cover it with a dressing and a sock, deciding to wear trainers instead of slippers. 

It always takes me less time to get ready than Des, as I don't have uniform to iron or make-up to put on, so I pass my time by sitting out the front with Des's Ate, watching the world go by from behind the watermelon stall. Soon we are off in a tricycle, then XT, and finally arrive at Trinoma, the mall that has many Christmas angels and snowflakes everywhere. We then "breakfast" at KFC, before Des heads to take another inventory of stock at Beauty Bar, and I wander around the over-priced and top-brand stores, taking interest in lots and buying little. Usually I ignore the British shops: Debenhams, Topshop, Marks and Spencer's, but today I decide to venture into M&S and finding a lot of English confectionary, I decide to buy Des some real English (ahem, Swiss) chocolate. After that I find a sale in a shoe store so spend half hour browsing and trying to negotiate Filipino-American sizes with my feet. I eventually find a pair of cheap pumps that could replace my current 'posh' shoes, and as I have enjoyed freedom of browsing without being stalked, I decide to buy.

There is nothing more off-putting to a shopper than being followed round the store by a shop assistant who is treating you as though you are an infamous shoplifter. Normally I judge the first 3 minutes, and if they haven't left me alone by then, I leave without buying anything, even if I had originally intended to. 

I browse a few more shops, and spend a good 20mins in a gadget shop, using every inch of will-power I have not to buy all the products in the kitchen department. Most of the stuff is English-expensive, so I leave without regretting any impulse buys. I take my time round all the shops, spending another half-hour in the book and craft store, and visiting at least 3 different floors, before finding somewhere to sit and wait for Des. She now has to remain in the store for 4 hours, and it has only been just over two when I sit and continue reading my kindle book: Nicholas Nickleby. After an hour I need the CR so venture round again, and finding a personalisation store, I decide to use the opportunity to solve the problem of my niece/nephew having unusual names, and spend a while picking out a water bottle for Layla, shoe bag for Noah and luggage tags for all the Wickham kids. When I return to Des she is nearly finished, so I scan BB for some soap and tweezers and soon we are off again.

We get the MRT from North Ave to Cubao. It's not busy so we get a seat, but its only 3 stops so not long before we are back on our feet again. It's about a 15min walk from the MRT station to Eastwood, but I know Des is more tired than me, so I don't complain, and as it is nearly 2.30pm, I treat Des to Mang Inasal for lunch when we get there. 

Eastwood is also celebrating Christmas in a big way, and has a 50ft Christmas tree stationed near the entrance. The plaza area is filled with market stalls, but we hurry past to ensure Des gets to the next store by 3pm.

Once again we part at the entrance and I head off in search of some wifi. Not finding any, and my iPod deciding that it won't connect to the free public wifi, I spend 20 mins searching for somewhere to sit and relax, and eventually find some sofas down a side section of the 3rd floor. I spend 2 hours playing games and reading, and watching various people wandering past, and then go off to find the CR, which I know is next to BB. I pop in and check on Des, and find out what time she has to stay in the store for. 7pm. It is only 5.30pm, so I stay and help Des for a bit, before deciding to plop myself on the very comfy 'waiting sofas' outside the CR and continue reading. Eventually 7pm comes around, and we head back out across the plaza, which is full of people watching some very interestingly dressed human statues pose for photos with children, and past the brightly coloured and lit up Christmas trees, including the big one that is now full of LED splendour, and grab a rush-hour crowded jeepney (or 2) back to Human Nature. It is around 8pm by the time we get there, and we are both tired and achy. Des still has her report to write, so she arranges for Lhiz to bring me home and heads to the office.

We grab a Jeepney and get off at the corner of Dahlia by McDs, and Lhiz wants to treat me to a meal. When we sit down, Lhiz has bought me a chicken rice meal and she is only eating some small fries. She says she is sorry my meal is small but she hasn't been paid yet. I feel guilty that she is only eating chips, and try to offer her some of my rice or chicken. She declines, and says that after she has dropped me off she is going to someone's birthday party. We walk up to Des's, and Lhiz uses the CR and leaves with her friend. I am so tired all I want to do is sleep, so I shower, using my new soap from BB, and get straight into bed, taking care to put anti-mosquito cream all over my legs. I'm already asleep by the time Des and JR come in at 10.30pm.

Araw 52

Slept most of today, and only got out of bed around 5pm. I ate dinner with Des's Ate and family who were staying here, and went to bed before Des came in. But she was very hungry when she came in (11pm) so I got dressed again and we headed out to 24-hour McDs, where I treated her to a meal, and tucked into a double cheeseburger myself. (First time to eat McDs in 5 weeks). By the time we got to bed it was past midnight, and I welcomed the sleep, knowing I was going with Des to work in the morning.

Araw 51

It finally arrived. The day I leave my kids once again. Last night seemed like a million miles away as I opened my eyes, secretly hoping it was earlier than I thought so I could lay and listen to the kids breathing just a while longer. It was 5.55am, almost time to disturb the sleeping angels. I lay for 10mins more, thinking of all the ways I might say goodbye that wouldn't make me cry. I wanted to be strong today, and be positive for the kids... Some of them had been dreading this day all week, I could see it on their faces. 

I turned over an Resthor opened his eyes, 'time to get up' I whispered, but he didn't move. His eyes told me what he was thinking though. Out of all the kids, Resthor is one who takes my absence personally. He's been victimised a lot as a kid, so feels that my leaving is a reflection on him, despite telling him otherwise. I kiss him on the forehead as I drag myself out of bed. There is a lot to do today before I leave, and I need to make sure I have packed everything I am taking. As often happens, i have gifted many of my things to the kids: a torch to Randy, a baseball cap to Roz, scarf to Resthor, cotton buds, batteries, lights, goggles, snorkel, after-sun lotion, deep-heat. These things are dispensable, and lighten my load when given away, although the kids had gifted me with many tokens of love: sweat- towels, hankies, teddies, stones, letters, pendants, necklaces, rings... 

As the boys begin to stir, and perform the morning tasks in what seems like slow-motion, I end up deep in thought on my bed, so much so that when the bell rings for breakfast it takes me a while to get going, and I am last into the Payag bar the teachers.

Today's breakfast seems tasteless, so instead of having seconds, I run back to the dorm to grab my charged camera and change my clothes ready for the group photo that is to happen after breakfast.

After a while Erwin calls me, and I head out to the rotunda where the kids are heading. There is a ladder set up so I place my camera on top and set up the self-timer. I encourage a smile from the kids and press go. I'm in place just before the first take, and manage to rearrange myself for the second one. I run back to check all is well and signal a good picture, and we disperse, to get ready for school. I say goodbye to Emily and Erwin, who are headed off for college, and trundle back to the boys dorm, with two small hands linked into mine.

As the boys shower and dress, and i start to arrange my stuff into bags, Resthor takes up a seat on his bed and asks why I can't stay any longer. I tell him that its very expensive and that I need to get back to my life in England, though at this moment, I'm not even sure I've convinced myself of this truth. After a while he ponders that if I hadn't have taken them all to Sunburst on Sunday, I could have stayed longer. I sit down next to him and put my arm round his shoulders. After a moment of silence I say, 'No matter how long I stay, I'm going to have to go home sometime. And I'll be back next-year. It'll go quicker than you think.' His eyes remain grey and sad, and I don't blame him, my voice probably wasn't that convincing. There is something about him; and about many of these children; that connects us, like two spirits that dance when they are together. I love him like a brother, and I hate that I am the cause of his sadness. Sometimes I wonder that if I had never come here at all, he would never miss me, but the outcome of that would be that my life is incomplete.

At this precise moment I am torn, between what I want to do and what I have to do. I fight back tears as I give him a reassuring squeeze and continue packing my things. He stays for a while, watching me, and then he is called to shower, and he leaves.

I finish packing my stuff up and head to the Payag as the second school bell rings for my last school assembly. I am more in control of my emotions this morning, and don't feel comfortable being emotional in front of the paying kids. They prayed for me in assembly, and we headed off for school with me still reading the book I want to desperately wanted to finish before I left. Thankfully I was only 10 mins from the end, and I then took the cards and bookmarks to the classroom to write them out whilst still spending time with the kids.

It took me the best of 90 mins to finish, wanting to put a good personal message in each. After that I wrote a note for Shine and the teachers, and gave them some money to have a Christmas treat themselves. Heading back to the dorm, I assured that everything I was taking was packed, and headed to the Payag to see the older girls who were preparing lunch. I had a good ole chat with Ferl and Rece, and gave them the bag of cards and bookmarks to distribute once I had left. I heard the bell ring for morning tea, which was my signal to leave, so headed to the dorm for my bags. Hill came and helped with my suitcase (that is considerably lighter than when I arrived) and I walked towards the massing group of kids who wanted to say goodbye. 

All morning I had had papers and envelopes thrust into my hand, heartfelt notes, pictures and letters from the kids saying goodbye. Now was no exception, and I was soon clutching so many small gifts and letters, as well as my my water-bottle, handbag and passport holder than I had to deposit all into my seat and return empty-handed for hugs. I noticed Resthor standing at a distance as I was saying goodbye to everyone, and was worried he might not say goodbye, but he did, and I gave him a very big hug and said I'd be back before he knew it. Reylee and JM also seemed gutted that I was going. Randy said nothing as I hugged goodbye, but I assured him Rona would be taking good care of him while I was gone. (She had actually promise in a later to me that she would). 

I could not delay any more, as Shine was ready to leave and the kids waiting to pray before morning tea, so I climbed into the front passenger seat and gave Joyland a big wave goodbye. I continued waving long after the kids were out of sight, and out of all the times I have driven away from there, this was the first time I managed not to cry. Shine had already expressed how gutted she was that I was leaving, and the majority of the journey was spent in silence as we drove down the long windy road that led away from Joyland.

At the airport, the goodbye was swift and tearless. I assured Shine I would be thinking and praying for her, and that she was an amazing friend. Out of everyone I know in the Philippines, Shine and Des are my closest friends. I gave her a big hug and turned and walked towards the ticket-check point. When I turned round again, the multi-cab was gone, and I watched it driving through the car-park exit. 

As soon as I walked through the entrance, my mood changed. There was no-one here to be strong for, and I held back tears as I lined up for Check-In. There were two extremely scary looking German men in front of me, and I felt on edge until I walked up the escalators to security. I bought a few things before I headed through the security gates: some Otap for Dave and butter cookies for me, as I had missed morning tea and would be missing lunch too. 

The wait in departures wasn't long, though I managed to throw my cookies all over the floor when I opened the packet. I had Internet so took the chance to update Facebook, and soon I was walking down the tunnel to board the plane. My seat was near the back 22A, as I had asked to be seated on the left of the plane so that I might spot Joyland from the air. 

As soon as I was seated, seatbelt on and bag tucked away, the years began to fall. There was no reason to hold them in anymore, the seat next to me was empty and the lady on the end of the row was sleeping. I sobbed into my sweat-towel, knowing that this is the longest moment in time that I would be away from my kids, and as Negros faded into the clouds, my soul faded into darkness. The tears fell steadily, so that by the time the Pilot announced our decent into Manila, my eyes were red and sore.

Araw 46

Up early this morning as I was off to the market at 6.00am with Shine, MJ, Ferlita and JM. The kids had their weekly shopping to do and me Shine and MJ had to buy all the food stuff for Sunday. We also needed to buy costumes for some of the kids, and slippers.

We wandered about from shop to shop, buying spaghetti, chicken, crispy fry, costumes, iced tea, DVD's (another treat for the kids) and everything we needed to make Sunday a very special day. I bought some bread for my breakfast, and some for Ferlita and JM too. The menu for lunch was seaweed, so I begged Shine to let me buy some chicken for the kids. We bought roast chicken , so they didn't have to cook it, and while they were in the shop I treated Ferlita and JM to a coke each. I love the way Pilipino's put drinks into plastic bags with a straw if you aren't going to drink them right there. Makes it all the more fun.

By the time we were heading back to Joyland it was nearly 10am, and none of us had had a decent breakfast. The kids were excited by the DVD's so we sat down to watch Despicable Me, which I'm sure the jokes went over the kids heads. Me, Kim, Christina and Ferl had lunch early, as we were eased out to the dentist, so left the kids watching the end of the movie and headed back out in the multicab. 

I think it is a Filipino custom to dress well when you are going anywhere (even to the Dentist) as Kim and Christina had their Sunday best on. It amazes me sometimes how the kids transform when they are not just playing around at Joyland, when they are seen in some of the tattiest, stained and torn clothing. (Of their own choosing!) 

The dentist was in Bacolod and we had to pick up a number of people on the way, Shines grandfather and MJ's God-daughter and Shines sister and friend etc etc. by the time we were headed Bacolod way it was getting a bit squashed in the back of the multicab! 

We were the last to be dropped off, and as Shine was going off I went with the kids to the dentist. We were half-hour late for our appt at 1.00pm, but that didn't matter as it was closed til 2pm. We sat down outside the door and Shine left us to buy some water. We were called to sit in the waiting room, which we did, and Shine brought bottles of water and then left us. She told me to text her when we were finished, but my phone was at Joyland charging, so I told her I didn't have a phone, and she left.

The dentist came back at around 2pm, and Christina was first in to the office. She soon came back crying and in shock, as she'd had a rotten tooth pulled out. Bless her. Kim next... But he came back smiling as he'd only needed a teeth cleaning. Ferl was asked to fill out some details for the kids, but she didn't know so I helped her, with their correct names and ages.

We then sat and waited for Shine to come back, with Christina spitting her bloody cotton wool into the sink every 20mins. We read magazines, and filtered the magazines the kids were reading (Cosmopolitan is hardly appropriate for a 7-year old.)

We waited and waited, and when it came to nearly 4pm, the dentist asked if we had Shines number a they were due to close. We didn't, but decided to leave the waiting room and try and find something to eat. We took the kids downstairs and crossed the road to a shop. We bought some sky flakes and headed back to the building where the dentist was. We sat on a bench just inside the entrance, and soon the dentist and receptionists headed past us on their way home. Ferlita told me that the dentist held a Christmas party for the kids every year, and last year brought Jolibee to Joyland! He also treated all the Joyland kids for free. Good for him.

Eventually, (around 4.45pm) Erwin turned up and said Shine was coming back soon. We re-located to the side of the road, and sure enough, the multi-cab could soon be seen trundling along towards us. What a relief! We'd been waiting 2.5hours after the kids were done! Shine said they kept calling me and texting, even though I'd told her I didn't have my phone!! Never mind. We went back on the pick up/drop off of various people again, and Christina fell asleep on the way home. We ha to pick up some medicine for Christina in Silay, but soon we were headed back to Joyland.

On Patag Road a load of sugarcane had obviously fallen off the back of a lorry, so the police were warning motorists and had coned it off to prevent an accident. Kim found the journey back very exciting, and when we eventually got home, he retold the story several times to anyone who would listen. I showered before dinner as I was very sticky, and as the kids were supposed to be going to bed early, we dinnered and bed, knowing tomorrow was going to be a long day.

Araw 45

I was working hard this morning to make up for the chaos of the past few days , and thankfully the paces were slightly easier too, meaning I got a few done before lunch. The kids were excitable this afternoon, as Shine had promised them an art session. After lunch they headed off somewhere in Joyland (I stayed in the classroom with Fredo who wasn't allowed any privileges due to his behaviour. When they came back they drew a garden scene on paper, which they would colour next week. Fredo worked hard with me while they were gone, and finished his pace with time to do a PACE test before the bell rang.

Shine was going to Patag tonight with MJ and returning early in the morning to take some of us to the market. With Shine gone Fredo was still misbehaving, so after dinner I called him into the Payag to talk to him before bedtime. I explained that I didn't like being horrible or cross with him, but that when he didn't listen and do as he was told, we didn't always have a choice. I told him I loved him and wanted him to be good so that he could come swimming with us on Sunday. He was very quiet but sat on my lap and I gave him a hug. 

At bedtime I made Fredo sleep in his own bed as a warning and a reminder that he had to behave to receive privileges, but I soon had the other 3 small boys in my bed.

Araw 44

Woke at 6am again. Only one week left in Joyland which has been on my mind a lot today. Managed to get 2 paces done today, but in the afternoon Shine had to prepare for something for the education board so I was left in charge again. Most of the kids were pretty good, if not a little whiny, but Fredo blew his chance of swimming on Sunday by being disobedient and rude to me and Teacher Jessa, and Clarke did no work all afternoon. After school we had to go into Silay again to drop off the forms and display boards at the bureau of education, but the printer at Joyland wasn't working so we had  go and print it up the road at the Internet cafe. As we were driving away, I noticed a spelling mistake, so we went back to the Internet cafe to correct it and reprint, meaning we were late to Silay and had to go in search of her. Shine was really annoyed as she'd worked hard on the display and didn't want to disappoint the lady who was like a mother to her.  We found her buying food and gave her a lift home to make up for it.

Back at Joyland we ate our dinner and prayed in each dorm before bed. Randy and Resthor ended up sleeping in my bed which was nice to be close to them with such innocence even though Resthor is 13, and Randy 10. It's a kind of peace and comfort that is hard to share with kids in the UK, because of the fear of abuse. R & R are like my little brothers and I love them with all my heart and I would never intentionally hurt them. 

Araw 43

Woke at 6am today, giving me slightly more time to prepare myself for breakfast. Feeling very tired from yesterday. School starts with chapel on Wednesdays, so I finally taught the 'you're my rock, my sword, my shield' song that the Joyland kids have been practising for weeks. I also led the devotions about being Salt of the Earth, which takes on a different meaning when most Filipinos are some sort of Christian. Made most of it up on the spot, but seemed to go okay, and I felt more comfortable doing it when Pastor and Mamzet aren't around.

In class Shine has started to make me do the Bible memorisation with the kids, which gives me a chance to get to know their strengths and weaknesses a bit more, and after their behaviour yesterday, they took the chance to redeem themselves. Fredo hadn't memorised the verse so after his 5th try was told to go back to his own office to memorise. For some reason this upset him and he started crying, which I hate. I wrote it in his book and he soon got the hang of it.

I'm still working hard on my Filipino, but there were a lot of new words to memorise, meaning in the whole day I only got 1.5 paces done. After school Shine had to go to Silay so I went along too as we were planning to check out the Sunburst place where I'm taking the kids on Sunday for their Christmas treat; so we told the kids we'd be back late and headed out into the darkening sky and storm clouds. 

Sunburst is cool, a little run down but good enough for swimming. It works out about £50 for all the kids to eat and swim for the day, so I thought that was a pretty good deal. 

After that we had to get some stuff in the market, and I bought some bread for morning tea tomorrow. Shine left the car unlocked, as she said that the parking man would watch it. I was horrified but trusted her judgement and left my bag (minus my wallet, phone and iPod) in the footwell. It was there when we got back, so I guess he did his job. It's a skanky old multicab anyway so doesn't really attract the robbers. 

In Mang-Inasal I was hoping to pick up the wifi but it wasn't working properly so couldn't get a connection. Was a bit gutted as I had a big wait while Shine popped to the drug-store for MJ and could have checked my emails. Never mind. We ate a good meal, and I had 4 cups of rice so that was pretty good.

Headed back to Joyland, and the kids were already in the dorms so we met out the back to pray and say goodnight, before retreating to bed.

Araw 42

It rained hard again last night so the ground was really wet this morning. Everyone was very slow to get going for school so I think own beds tonight.

At morning tea we said goodbye to Pastor and Mamzet who fly to Australia for 3 months tonight. They don't get back till the end of January so the kids and Shine will be alone for Christmas.

Back in the classroom Shine wasn't feeling too good so left me in charge of the class, and oh how havoc reigned!! They were all playing, claiming to have done their work when they actually hadn't done much at all, Sophia threw a strop when I asked her to do some of her Maths, Renzo disappeared every time I asked for his goal sheet, Clarke kept talking, Fredo did very little and all in all it was extremely hard for me to do any study of my own, and I was extremely grateful when the bell rang.

Lunch was fried egg with rice, soy sauce and calamansi. The kids were having bony fish again, so they'd cooked me some eggs, bless them. Was delicious, and I ate 3 cups of rice with my soy and calamansi. 

After lunch Shine still wasn't feelin well so I was semi-in charge, along with teacher Jessa. Shekinah had also finished all her goals so she came in to help. It was the most manic 2 hours of my life. Clarke did no work, Renzo kept talking, Fredo hadn't remembered any of his pace so kept asking me for the answer, and after resorting to messin around was stood up, which didn't stop his misbehaviour, Mikela and Fredo came in from lunch muddy and had to change, Sophia wet herself and had to change, Bobby was being annoyed by Christina, Marites signed her own goal sheet... It was a nightmare. I'm surprised I managed to do any work at all, but as soon as the bell ring for end of school I was out of there. Needed a lay down in the dorm to get over it, and after dinner went straight back to the dorm to get ready for bed.

Araw 41

Monday morning, and school starts again. Today I decided to do something useful and began to work through my Filipino Paces from the beginning: 1001. Found it very hard at first and gradually began to get the hang of it, though took me a while to get used to the instructions, and there are lots of words to learn off by heart. Finished to 1004, and worked through a few pages of 1005 but didn't really understand so decided to stop. Monday night was pretty uneventful, Fredo is beginning to really play up and not listen to instructions, or deliberately disobey them so dorm time is becoming a real struggle. This evening I offered a massage to one of the boys and ended up giving most of them a hand, foot and back massage. It helped the younger ones to relax and I was surprised how willing the older boys were to have a hand massage. Bless them.

I slept in Resthors bed again, with Resthor on one side, Randy on the other. Kim and Jeffrey slept in my bed, with Fredo on my suitcase by the fan... His favourite spot. I'm really going to miss sharing my bed with all these kids. There is something so beautifully innocent about being so close to them when you are falling asleep, almost protective, but knowing they will be there when you wake up too.