Divine Hugs

It's 9.30am on a Tuesday and already you're feeling pulled in a million different directions. Then it's Tuesday evening, and the busy day has faded into memories and smiles. Soon it's 2am but there's still no chance of sleep. Wednesday morning is filled with expectations - there is so much to do. But the weather is looking good and the day goes well, filled with conversation and the building of friendships. But eventually everyone else goes home, and you have to finish this work that you started some hours before. At 6pm it starts to rain, and all of a sudden that tape that is holding your life together starts to rip, and gradually, gradually, the tears begin to flow. You find yourself looking through photo's of years gone by, and suddenly the people that are missing in your life seem so far away. You realise that you didn't see the time slipping through your fingers.

Breakfast

N.B. I've just been on a five day camp in some woods in Lincolnshire... and realised how much I love being outside in natural surroundings. Southend is not so much fun. :(

Have you ever been up so early enough to watch the sunrise? It's a beautiful sight, if the sky is clear, watching the world awaken before your very eyes. I don't often get up that early, although more so in the Philippines because I'm not and sticky and my body clock is all out of sync, but whilst on camp I got up early a few times... mainly because I was cold and uncomfortable. 

The last morning on camp we slept out in the woods in makeshift bivvy shelters, and lived on army ration packs for 24 hours, which was a fun adventure. :) But the most beautiful part for me was wakening early on Friday morning, around 5am (again, because of the cold). I decided to get up and make a fire to warm me up, so I set off in the breaking light of the dawn to collect some wood and stuff to get the glowing embers from the night before going again.

As I was wandering through the woods, I noticed the sunlight shining through the trees, so fetched my camera and took the pic (above.) I spent a few minutes standing, feeling the warmth of the sun as it pierced the dark landscape around me, scattering across the woodland floor. And as I began to build the fire and watched the flames slowly grow and surround the twigs and branches, my mind cast back to that passage of Jesus in John 21 as he stands on the shore early in the morning talking to his disciples before he makes breakfast for them.

There are no specific details in the text about how Jesus made the breakfast, but building my fire in the musky light of dawn, I was touched by this great sense of entering into the humanness of that action. Hands that surrendered to nails, collecting some wood, carefully constructing a fire, lighting the tinder... there were no such thing as matches those days... which method did Jesus use to light the fire? How long did it take him? Did he have all the frustrations of me and my friends of desperately trying to keep the small flame aglow? I wonder how tenderly those hands prepared the fish, did he singe a finger or two in the heat of the fire? All these questions may seem so insignificant, but entering into such a human act, brings the enormousness of what such a perfect man as Jesus was prepared to undergo in the suffering of the cross, that much closer to home. God bless you. x

Gratitude

N.B. I've been so moody of late. Not entirely sure why. Might just be the stress of the final weeks of college, and the lack of sleep. Who knows. Anyways, so I just wanted to note that I am so thankful of the life I have had, and that I appreciate so much how easy it has really been.

July is approaching and so forth the start of my challenge. A lot has been purged to family, friends and other randoms, and I must say I am feeling better for the space and clarity it has given me in my head. I don't like feeling cluttered - it makes me feel trapped physically and emotionally. So having a bit more room to dance around is nice. :)

So, the list is written (see below). No doubt a few more things will be added as I find them (or fail to get rid of them before July) but I'm pretty happy with it. Feel free to question me at all. I'm open to questions. There are a few more things that I have decided not to place on my list, for example:
- Shampoo etc. This is basically because it's hygiene. I don't buy expensive washing equipment... the basics is good enough for me.
- Towel's. (again - hygiene, though I have only kept 2!) and other bed linen/blankets. This is because they will count as part of my bed when they are being used.
- Household Items such as the hoover, dust pan and brush, mop, bucket, tape measure, screw driver etc.
- Items that I have/need specifically for work or University. This is because these items are not part of my personal spending. (E.g. Work Phone, USB stick, Diary etc.)
- Digital Items – such as music and photographs.

My Challenge List - as of 18th May 2011.

1. My Bed
2. One small Table
3. One chest of Drawers
4. TV
5. DVD Player
6. Camp Chair
7. Bedside lamp
8. Black Rug
9. Glasses
10. One Bible (NIV Translation)
11. Camera (Lead & SD Card)
12. iPod (Earphones & Connector)
13. Mobile Phone (My non work phone)
14. Wallet
15. Backpack
16. One Journal
17. Pencil Case
18. Sentimental Jewellery [One ring, and bracelets from the Philippines/friends]
19. One Library
20. Memory Box (Mostly paper and cards from children/young people and friends)
21. Guitar (Capo, Picks, Strap, Case)
22. Saxophone
23. 3x3 Rubiks Cube
24. Isaac & Rabbit (the two cuddly toys that sleep in my bed.)
25. Photo Albums
26. Philippines Flag
27. Sleeping Bag
28. Bike
29. Bike Lock
30. Camp blanket
31. Suitcase
32. Toothbrush
33. Wash Bag
34. Small bag of make-up (for weddings)
35. Hair brush
36. Hair straighteners
37. Razor
38. First Aid Kit
39. Socks
40. Pants
41. Bras
42. Grey Hat
43. Swimming Costume
44. Goggles
45. Orange Ethletics
46. Black Converse
47. Red Converse
48. White trainers (Elements)
49. Grey Vans
50. Wellies
51. Jeans
52. Jeans
53. ¾ Combats
54. Grey Jean-shorts
55. Black Skinnies
56. Black jogging bottoms
57. Black shorts
58. Man Hoodie
59. Fila Hoodie
60. Easy Hoodie
61. Black Zippy
62. OC Hoodie
63. LLLL Hoodie
64. Youthworker Hoodie
65. Black jumper
66. Apo Island T-Shirt (black)
67. 8:32 T-Shirt
68. Counting Crows T-Shirt
69. Black T-Shirt
70. Fila T-Shirt
71. Kabankalan T-Shirt
72. Filipino Sun T-Shirt
73. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
74. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
75. L-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
76. L-S Black T-Shirt
77. L-S Black T-Shirt
78. S-S Turquoise Shirt
79. Black tie
80. L-S Shirt (black)
81. L-S Long Shirt (grey/black)
82. L-S Smart Shirt (white/black)
83. Smart purple jumper
84. Smart Trousers (black)
85. Black skirt
86. Colourful skirt
87. Black leggings
88. White leggings
89. Long black leggings (winter)
90. Green Dress
91. Pyjamas (summer)
92. Pyjamas (summer)
93. Pyjamas (winter)
94. Blue Scarf
95. Winter Coat
96. Waterproof coat

Girl

I've had a lovely afternoon down the beach with some kiddies, but my absolute favourite conversation of the day went like this:

Hannah: My friend nearly got stolen by a stranger once.
Ami: Well that's why I like you to stay where I can see you. Because I don't want anybody to take you away!
Hannah: That's okay, you just kick them in the balls!
Ami: *hysterical laughter!*

I didn't actually get the chance to enquire about who taught her that...

Overwhelmed

N.B. If you are any sort of regular reader of this thing... which I doubt you are... then you'll know that every now and again I just have to let it out. This is one of those blogs.

Overwhelmed. That's how I feel today. And for once, I realise a little bit why. I'm 22, and I'm not yet in charge of my own life. My life has; thus far; been dictated to me. And even now as a student, much of what should give me independance... doesn't. I am constantly at the beck and call of deadlines, assignments, stuff I have to do for work, when I get paid (or don't.), when I can have time off. The Government tells me what I have to pay, what opportunities I have for my life... how the future is going to be. Culture dictates what makes me cool (or not cool is more the point). Adverts tell me that if I don't have the latest iPhone/Blackberry/Dell computer then I am a loser. (And well... I guess that makes me a loser.)

Actually, all of that doesn't really matter that much. I guess that's why I also have this underlying feeling of complete and utter guilt. Because all of these things that are making me feel a bit pants shouldn't. Because ultimately, God is in charge of all of those things. But I guess it's that this feeling is stopping me doing what I want to be doing - amazing things through and for God. Right now I am powerless and completely penniless... and there is nothing I can do about it. *sigh*

Thankful

Whilst reading the 'Enough' book, it spends some time suggesting how modern people can break out of the pressure of desperately needing more and more things to be fulfilled. One suggestion is to learn to be grateful for things that we so often take for granted. John Naish (the guy who wrote the book) talks about the Three Beautiful Things blog in which the author writes each day about three things that she is grateful for. I've read a few entries and I really like the idea. It is similar to the daily thankfulness I tried last year, (when I used my FB status each day to give thanks for something instead of complaining about something), and also the 1000 Awesome Things blog which is also highly amusing.

Sometimes they seem really random, but I think that in learning to be grateful for that which we have, we un-learn the need to have 'more' in all areas of our life. So I thought I'd give it a go and see how I get on. I guess for me it all seems highly fitting in this time of 'reassessing' my needs - and learning to let go of so much that has made life comfortable over the 22 years, 3 weeks and 2 days that I have spent on this earth. So here goes.

Today I am thankful for:

Sunshine alarm clocks.

Both in my flat in Southend and when at home-home in Brentwood, an alarm clock is a rather over-rated thing, as Mr Sun will often do the job just as adequately. But there is something deeply warming about waking up to sunlight on your face that sets the day up to be something wonderful.

A Toddlers Secret Language

I love my niece. (Have I mentioned before?) In a year I have gone from being 'Amamama', to 'Ami-sh' to 'Amana', and I think I am at last Auntie Ami. But there is something about the time I spend with her that is refreshing, heart-warming, and most of the time, deeply hilarious. At only 2 years, 4 months old, she hasn't quite grasped the English language in all it's fullness (well, who has?) and so much of the time, conversations with her often require a great deal of guessing or bluffing. Today we had almost a ten minute conversation with me having absolutely no clue at all what she was saying. She didn't seem all that fussed. My bluffing must be good! Anyway, I love that when she says 'oooff-gho', I know she means 'Let's go!'

Cousins

Today I spent some time with my cousins, whom I haven't seen much of in the last few years, mainly because of me being away in Southend. Anyways, they're 12-year-old triplets that I used to love spending time with when I was younger, and today, I spent a few hours reminiscing with them and telling them all about funny little things they used to do. It was great fun. It's strange really though, having family whose parent is a sibling of your parent (meaning they grew up together) and yet often cousins have lifes completely different to yours. Anyways, it was so cool, spending time with these 12-year olds who I used to see really often, and realising all of a sudden that they are people who have their own ideas, opinions, but you have this weird deep connection, even though you haven't seen each other for ages... and you could actually have some kind of an impact on how they see the world. I mean, when I was their age, I looked up to the older cousins of the family, but I've never really thought that the Triplets might do that to me. In a way I hope they do, and I hope that I teach them something fantastic about the world. I dunno... It's something I'm thankful for.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna shut up now cause I've blogged more in the last few days than the last year altogether! May God bless you and may you learn something fantastic about His love for you this Easter.

Meaning

N.B. The following is apparently the Purpose Driven declaration, by Rick Warren. I found it on a piece of paper in my memory box, read it, and decided yeah! That's it. That's what I'm doing! So even though I could probably quite easily copy and paste it from the internet, I'm not going to. Because I mean every word, I'm going to type every word.

"Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering, I've made my choice, the verdict is in, and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!

I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.

Since my past has been forgiven, adn I have a purpose for living, and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.

Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.

I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back down or back slide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, living on purpose, and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything God entrusts to me.

To my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I say, "However, whenever, wherever and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is YES! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord: whatever it takes! I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say: "Well done thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"

So there you have it! It's gonna be hard, uncomfortable, and painful, but boy, it is going to be worth it! Praise God!!

Enough

N.B. Just finished reading this book: Enough by John Naish. Absolutely excellent book that deals with many of the issues surrounding the culture of consuming and gaining more-more more in everything we have  - and gives practical advice to people who have realised that what they actually have is 'enough' and no more is needed - or even people who don't know how to reach the point of 'enoughness' and instead spend countless amounts of time, money and energy continually searching for fulfillment in stuff, information, status, work etc.

The only thing that would make this book better for me is if the guy who wrote it brought in a stronger Biblical reference - many of the things he says are theologically sound, but as a pro-evolution non-Christian sometimes there is too much evolutionary talk and not enough humans taking responsibility for their own actions and acting the way that God has commanding us. I'd love to meet this guy and chat through the deeper meanings of many of the things he says, and get a better understanding of where he thinks the place for faith and the Bible have in the lifestyle that he promotes.

Anyway, I have begun to sort through the stuff that occupies nearly every space available in my flat. That might sound like  I have a ridiculous amount of stuff... I actually don't, but I definately have more than I need. I sorted through my memory box and actually ended up throwing half of it away. I actually find it more rewarding to have empty space than to have boxes full of things that I don't need. And, for most of my sorting I was joined by next door's cat who whenever I have the patio doors open gets confused about where he lives and comes and explores my flat, meowing loudly everytime he comes across something he's not seen before. Bless.

Things

N.B. I've rediscovered my purpose for life, but reading this book: The 100 Thing Challenge by Dave Bruno. It's absolutely fantastic, highly recommended by me!

So, what's this all about you ask, and what on earth is the 100 thing challenge? Well, it is where an individual seeks to live for a certain period of time with only 100 possessions. Of course, it doesn't have to be an 100 thing challenge. It could be the 10, 25, 50, 75 or even 150 thing challenge. The number isn't important really. It's a personal challenge, with rules made up by yourself. Dave Bruno lived for an entire year with 100 possessions. I am going to do the same, if for no other reason than to keep it simple!

The rules for my challenge are as follows:

1) This is a personal challenge. The items on my list will be things that are entirely my personal possessions.

The purpose of the challenge is not to force my views upon anyone, but rather for myself to break free of any remaining constraints of consumerism that still occupy my spending habits. I will decide when the rules need to be loosened, or even broken.

2) Books. I am not intending to purge any of my books. This is for a number of reasons: 1) I have spent a lot of money buying them, 2) most of them are for college/work and the rest are for my own personal development, and 3) getting rid of them will serve no deeper purpose for breaking my consumerism habits as they are books I have bought to enhance myself, (many are ironically about consumerism) not because I think it will make me cool/trendy/ to keep up with the Joneses. So for the purpose of this challenge, I will be keeping 'one' library.

3) I will be counting my bed, chair and wardrobe on my list, but I will not be counting items such as 'fridge, toaster, cooker etc. Otherwise I would get to nearly 50 objects just by counting my cutlery, plates and kitchen appliances. I can assure you all, I do not have an addiction to buying kitchen equipment, and my cupboards are modestly filled with essentials. I am also not going to count items such as 'a screw driver, allen keys, tape measurer'. These will count as 'household items', needed for the times when I may need to change a fuse or measure something...

4) Some items will count in groups - for example, socks, pants, etc. This is mainly because it would be pretty unhygenic for me to live with limited amounts of underwear, especially as I live alone and could not fill a washing machine with only a weeks worth of clothes. I would therefore either have to walk around commando for the best part of a fortnight, or wash half-loads - both of which are harmful to the environment.

5) I have decided to keep one small 'memoribila box' in order to savour things that I have been given over the years by lovely friends and family, some of whom are no longer around. I assure you, none of these things will be items I myself have purchased, and I will be sorting through  and throwing away a great deal of the fairly large memoribila box I have currently.

6) Digital items such as Music will not count, as these are not possessions I can grasp (and many of which are bought for the benefit of the young people.)

7) Most people who buy me gifts will know that for this year, they are not allowed to buy me things. However, in case anyone can not resist this urge, I will allow myself 7 days from receiving the item before it will count towards my 100 things. In that time I will either need to give it away, give it back, or throw something else away in order to keep it.

8) Finally, I am allowed to buy new things. However, I always have to remain under the 100 thing total. If I am replacing something, I have to get rid of the original thing first before I get the new thing.

So, they are the rules. Now all I have to do is get down to 100 personal things before 1st August. Let the purging begin!

22

N.B. It's my birthday tomorrow, and try as I might, I haven't been the tiniest bit excited. In fact it seems that everyone else is more excited about it being my birthday than me. Perhaps it's because I remember my past birthdays, and am thinking this one won't live up to expectations. Perhaps I've learnt it's better not to have expectations.

So I'm not being very good at blogging this year. To be honest with you, I've lost the enthusiasm and the energy that I started out with. Emotions are not longer fuelled by reaction, but have sunken into (what feels like) an endless pit of acceptingness. This is just how life is now. I am not sure I'm happy with that, but then I'm not sure I'm happy at all. I know that life can be better, and yet no matter what happens, it never seems to be. I feel like I'm just existing. Just living, without truly knowing why. I am indifferent to darkness, death, loss, and upset... because my eyes have become adjusted to this darkness. What is this feeling? I don't know.

So as I said. Tomorrow is the end of March. Another month of 2011 been and gone. Wasn't this year supposed to be better than the last? It never happens does it. *sigh* 

It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know

I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating

Yeah, who am I?

[Let That Be Enough - Switchfoot]

Pedestals

N.B. Have you ever looked up to someone, and been let down by something they did? Or placed someone on a pedestal, and later watched them fall from it? Or maybe you've trusted someone, and then been lied to? Or believed in someone, only to have them give up on you? I have.

Afterwards, the process is much like grieving. There is denial - they wouldn't do that. It can't be true. Then there is anger - how dare they do that! What were they thinking? They're not going to get away with this. My anger faded into hurt, and feeling betrayed. Let down. Rejected. And do you know what happened after that? I saw God. It wasn't one of those vision, dream, appartition kind of ways. But I saw God in the situation. Felt his heart ache, his comfort, and his love. And perhaps learnt a bit about what Jesus meant for us when he told us to love our enemies.

I don't think I have ever had a real enemy. But what if our enemies aren't just the people seeking to destroy us, though they are hard to love too. What if maybe, our enemies are those people we envy? Or maybe they are the people we never accept? Maybe they are our ex-friends? Maybe they are the people who mildly annoy us. Maybe they are those we used to trust? Used to look up to. The people we once put on a pedestal, or those we used to believe in. What if we find it harder to love those people, because they abused our trust, let us down, got close to us, and later betrayed us? Maybe they are the Judas', or the Thomas'; or the Peters'? Maybe they are the people who let us down in our hour of need. Maybe they are the people who are supposed to love us, like our parents, or our siblings, or our children?

I don't know about you, but they are the people I struggle to love the most. Then again, maybe the are the ones who need our love most of all. I've heard it said: love is a dangerous game. And it's right. To love, is to risk being hurt. To open yourself up to rejection, betrayal and pain. But does that make the loving any less worth it? No.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is 'Yet' by Switchfoot. The bridge of the song goes like this:

"If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love,

No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough

Cause it's when you're breaking down

With your insides coming out

That's when you find out what your heart is made of."

If you've never trusted anyone and been lied to, or believed in someone and had them give up on you, or love someone and had your heart broken - have you loved enough?

Resurrected!

N.B. So it has arrived: the end of another year. And what a year it has been! If I care to look back to the start of the year, and how promisingly it started, I vowed to look at situations more positively - and yet all that ensued was plenty of crappy situations. Maybe that was the challenge. Maybe I failed.

I don't know what 2011 will bring. I don't even know if I am going to make it past tonight. But God-willing, whatever happens, I vow to love and laugh more. Maybe listen more and speak less. Learn more and judge less. Help more and hide less. I have high hopes for my time left on earth. Not for me, but for ways God will use me to teach others about Him. I want to walk in the light, wholly sure that no matter what happens, God is at my side.

This time last year I was striving to leave my past behind - ashamed of so many things that I had done. But now, it's time to embrace those things, learn from them, and move on. Those things happened, and they made me into the person I am today. I cannot change them, cannot erase them, but they did make me who I am, and so for that, I am grateful for them. I believe I am stronger because of them, I have more understanding of the world, a greater ability to journey with others going through simular situations. Comfort as the Lord has comforted me.

I don't want 2011 to be a year of regrets, but of seized opportunities; not of selfish choices but of demonstrationis - real and alive - of what God wants for His people. I believe that it is time the Church stepped up to the plate, and began to deliver the message of love, hope and peace that the broken need to hear. It is no longer a time to point the finger at specks in the eyes of "sinners", but to remove the great log of hypocrisy that has been crippling the Church for centuries. Isn't it time that Christians stood more readily at the heart of Resurrection - rather than crucifying the masses for living publicly what so many of us live behind closed doors?

James 1:22 says do not simply listen to the word, DO as it says. Jesus himself commands us to love God, love others, love self. To love our enemies and to stand out from the crowd like a light shining in the darkness. That means no more fitting in to a society that oppresses the poor and the vulnerable to keep the powerful in charge. No more accepting the status quo that shouts down all those who do not conform. No more bowing to the easy way, but treading the path of righteousness, however dangerous and hard it is. Let's start standing for justice, peace, love acceptance in a real, vibrant and public way. Let's breathe the life of Jesus back in to our communities, our streets: our neighbours. Let's breathe the life of Jesus into our families, our children, our schools, and our churches! Let's stop yearning for the glitter of shiny material objects, and allow our hearts to discover the Glories of the heavens! For I believe there lies a treasure far greater and far more sustainable than anything you may have got for Christmas.

I am not perfect, in fact, far from it. But I know that I am nothing without God. I have no value, save for that in Christ. Alone, I am enslaved to sin, but by the blood of Jesus, I have been set free. And so I may not have everything figured yet, but that doesn't matter. I am a traveller on a journey. I may not yet have fully grasped what it means to love my enemies, I may not yet have grasped what it means to love God. But I sure as hell want to find out, because I'm resurrected! I'm alive in Christ.

Anger

 N.B. I do not want to turn this into a political blog, because quite frankly, I know squat about politics, but there is a large part of me that has recently gotten angry at the mess the world is in. Let me explain.

Over the last few weeks, thousands of school and university students have marched the streets around Parliament -  outraged that Nick Clegg is backing down from his pre-election promses. Apart from a minority of students (or maybe not) getting carried away and spoiling what was otherwise a peaceful protest, I would commend these students for getting passionate about something that affects them.

So often young people get accused of being violent, uncaring hooligans. But in my experience, and especially in my work with young people - if facilitated the right way, young people get angry about a whole load of injustice that generally passes older Christians by. To be young is often to be powerless to the oppression of the 'world of adults' that operates without (and often without thought of) you. But young people have such a strong sense of justice that they often are moved to action a lot sooner than others when they feel injustice has been done.

Many have preached; and will preach for many years to come; about the danger of anger. Many more have interpreted this to mean that anger is bad. I would say that anger - to get angry at something - is a good emotion. Anger promotes action. Anger discourages passive behaviour. Anger promotes change. Anger discourages the status quo. Anger, as an emotion in itself, is not bad - even though some may react to the reaction in a negative and sinful way. What I have been discovering is that God requires us to be good AND angry. This is something that I have been working through personally for many months, but I was reading a book someone gave me for Christmas last year, and found an excellent chapter all about this. (You can find the same book here.)

Paul Tripp does an excellent job in promoting the 'good and angry' position that he believes Christ is calling us to be in. Think about this. How often do we (by we, I mean the Church) get angry about the state of the world? If your answer is not in the present then maybe we are missing something. Recently, I have discovered the divine art of getting angry. God does not call us to put up with injustice, but to fight it. (And by fight, I mean with passion - not violence... Jesus/Gandhi style all the way.)

So maybe it is time for the church to get angry: To get angry about the suffering of the oppressed and the poor. To get angry about the children caught up in violence and abuse. To get angry at the lack of support for those seeking assylum. To get angry about the businesses that use slave and cheap labour to create chocolate, clothes, cars and iPods. To get angry about the children growing up without parents due to HIV. To get angry about the thousands of women and children sold into the sex trade every year. To get angry about the Sex Shop opening up near a school. To get angry at the drug dealers who target young and vulnerable people. To get angry about God's creation being desecrated to feed our consumerist culture. To get angry about the people who gossip about the church leaders. To get angry about the church leaders who do gossip about their church members. To get angry at those who stop at nothing to gain power, status and money.

But in our anger - let us not be moved to violence and sinful behaviour - but let us be motivated into doing something about these issues - whether that be a protest, boycott, or simply a change in our attitude to the way we approach things, and the way we treat others around us. And if you really think there is nothing in this world worth getting angry about - get your head out of the sand, and look around you. For where there is broken and hurting people, the Church needs to act.

Comfortable

N.B. I've been in the Philippines for just over a week now, and like a moth is drawn to the light, my brain continues to search for meanings for the thousands of questions that I am presented with every day.

Ever since I arrived here, I have been confronted with situation after situation of instances where most (Western) people would throw their towel in and say, "No, I'm not doing that. Life is not fair!" But here, there is no option for that. Life goes on, through storm, pain and disaster. Survival is key. I have no doubt there are people in the West like that also, but I fear that they may be fewer and further between. Not because the West is a particularly bad place, but because I believe life circumstances grow people, and fewer there know the real meaning of mere survival.

A few months ago; whilst on train going nowhere; I was listening to a Youthwork Podcast, and the guest Pip Wilson said something that has stuck with me ever since, and I would say has had a fairly major impact on some life decisions I have made in the last few months:

"Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable... God does not reside in comfortable."

Read that again. Each time I read that sentence it resonates on a deeper level. It is not (excuse the irony) a comortable sentence to read. And I guess in a way, this blog may read the same way to you. I do not apologise for that, because if there is one thing that I have learnt is that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. Then again, some people who read this may not even understand the meaning of it. Some may be indifferent. To me, it matters not. Growing up in the west, I have seen comfortable. I have lived comfortable. I have seen comfortable excelerate to levels beyond understanding and need. I have also seen more greed and selfishness than I care to share. And I am a participant in that... on many levels, and I am ashamed because I am not ignorant. There may be some (and I say some, because the media broadcasts it nearly every day of the week) who don't get the extent to which poverty levels sink in countries like the Philippines, (well, most of Asia/Africa/South America) but I fear that there are many more who simply don't care. Or maybe their understanding is jaded by their privileged western upbringing.

At this moment, the story of the woman who gave 2 pennies in the temple offering resonates with me. I may not have a lot (Westernly) of money to give, but I am no longer satisfied with just giving some. Time after time after time it says in the Bible that we must give our ALL to God. Trust that HE will provide. How true is that in my lifestyle right now? I am not sure it is. I know, from just one week here that there is more that needs to be done, and God yearns deeply for his people to stand up and DO something! How can we claim to Love God, and to want to do his will when we sit in our overly comfortable houses, relaxing, seeing to our own needs, while countless numbers of children, families, elderly, are living destitute, starving, ill, dying in our own country, as well as in other parts of the world? Do we love God enough to love them?

Nearly a year ago, when I started my Degree course, I asked God to help me to grow, and I believe He has some amazing plans to help me do that, put I don't think it involves sitting around watching TV. Praise God.

"Try kissing some scars.

Try walking in someone else's shoes.

Try making a mistake as a learning experience.

Try loving the unlovely.

Try a vision for others not self.

Try downward mobility instead of upwards.

Try a worse home.

Try a poorer community.

Try a battered and hopeless church.

Try disturbing your comfortable.

Try comforting your disturbed.

Try pain when comfortable.

Try comfort when in pain.

Try grit in your oyster.

Try loving yourself like you have never been hurt."

Planting

N.B. It's late, or early. Depending on what you call these small hours of the morning that only clubbers, alcoholics and insomniacs usually inhabit. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something about this place that stops me from sleeping...

Everyone's heard that sermon about reaping and sowing, and how sometimes those who plant seed's aren't always the ones that collect the harvest at the end of the crop. If you haven't heard it, maybe you've never worked in ministry. Because it is certainly a story that resounds loudly with those who sometimes get discouraged by doing all the work and never receiving a share of the crop at the end of it.

Of course, I'm not talking about plants here. I'm talking about children, young people... any people for that matter. There are those in ministry, (and I guess in all christian circles) who sow the seeds, and there are those who reap the harvest. I'm not sure at the moment who gets the raw end of the deal. I guess it's all on my mind at the moment as many of my children and young people, and others I have invested time and energy into, are off at the usual Christian festival weeks that dominate the summer holidays, and I know that whilst there many of them will make big decisions about their lives, maybe become christian's, give up a bad habit or two, or generally be impacted by the messages and atmospheres that are taught and created at all Christian festivals. And they will come back, and tell me all about how *insert name of Christian holiday here* changed their life forever, and how they now want to live for Jesus/get baptised/live differently. And in a small part, I am left thinking: "What about all the work I've been doing with you all year? What about all the times I've tried to tell you that thing, teach you that part of faith, show you how awesome it is to live that way?"

*sigh*

It's got me thinking about all those people who I never think about when I contemplate the journey I have travelled so far. There are people in my life whom I give credit/appreciation to for helping to mould me, but what about those who I never think about? They did have an impact on me, whether I acknowledge it or not. There was the nurse who looked after me whilst in hospital, my childhood friend Tony who I only knew for a year, the boys who called me names and beat me up in Junior school, the kids I played out on the street with, the various relatives and family friends that filled my life as a kid, and I guess as a teenager. These people had an impact on my life, and they helped to craft the person I have become just as much as those I acknowledge have. Many of these people will never see or hear from me again - never know the impact they had on me, nor know of the successes and the failures I achieve. And yet, the world keeps turning. People are constantly wandernig in and out of our of lives - and some of them leave more footprints than others.

And so, I may not get a mention in any testimonies/stories come September, but I will be the one to witness each of them grow, change and develop their faith for a while yet. The person that spoke that crucial word of change into their life may never see or hear from them again. But I will get to walk the next part of their journey with them too, as I walked the last. And though I may never be (in their eyes) the one who changed their life, maybe one day, down the line, when they are sitting up late at night contemplating the journey travelled so far, they may think of me. And maybe they won't. But then again, it is not the servant that reaps the true benefits of the harvest, but the Master.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Galatians 6: 9-10