Philosophy

N.B. This is my new about me on MySpace. Its all good. It's my new philosophy in life. Cause I believe that no matter who you are, or what you do, there are some things in life that you can't change. Things that money and power cannot affect. And the only way you can deal with that is by accepting it. Sometimes, life is hard. But you can't let it drag you down. I have, for many years. But I am beginning to realise now that the only thing I need is to be loved by God. Nothing else.

My life so far has been a learning curve; the things I have been through shape me into who I was always suppposed to be. I know the future is better than the past, because I trust that my life is in God's hands. I have learnt many hard lessons in life, because things happen that you can't control and things happen that you can't change. But you have to look ahead to where the light is shining, not behind you to where the shadow falls. You must learn to love other people, and love them dearly, putting their needs above your own. You mustn't be afraid to laugh at yourself, or smile when no-one is looking. Watch the sun as it rises, and wish it goodnight as it sets; let your hair loose in the summer breeze, and lay peacefully in green fields. Let the world revolve around you, taste the salt of tears on your lips, and when you hold a sleeping child in your arms, realise that you are completely accepted.

The world is constantly changing. And we are all changing too. I have started a journey that will last me my entire life, and its the best journey ever. Because, life may not always be easy, and I may not always be able to see the road ahead, but I know that I trust in the amazing grace that comes from my Lord, and I will always be safe, and I will always be loved. And thats all anyone ever wants, isn't it?

Forgiveness

One thing that I have learned that I am constantly having to come back to is forgiveness. To learn to forgive is hard, but great a gift. When I asked a good friend of mine once what the most important thing in his life was, his reply was simply forgiveness. When struggling with the difficulties of life, it is easy to project blame onto other people, in order to relieve yourself of having to deal with yourself. Personally, I am rubbish at holding grudges. I have been betrayed many times, by people I believed to be my best friends, but I have forgiven them, and they remain, to this day, some of my best friends.

The dictionary states that to forgive is:

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

It was that last one that got me. To cease to feel resentment against... it has been easy for me in the past to say, "I forgive you" to people. But those words had to become action. In order for me to really release that pain that was felt when I was betrayed, I had to embrace that person and become friends with them again. Become good friends. In this world, in this day and age, there are so many who will try to put me down, to make me feel worthless, just so that they may get ahead. I do not want to waste time arguing with those to whom I have an emotional attachment.

It's a New Year. I am going to make new start. Let go of old grievances and old disaggreements. Make peace with old friends, smile and laugh with them like I have done before. Maybe its a good time to think about whether you could do the same.

New Year

N.B. It is late as I write this, but I write it because if I wait till I have slept then I would have perhaps forgotten everything that I wanted to say, and I want to say it, because I believe it is important.

I am quite unaffected by the whole “New Year!!” feeling. It’s just another day, another minute, another second later than the last. A year is just a time period, made significant by the Romans’ invention of the calendar as they traced the seasons and the days according to the moon and the sun. So I really don’t see the big deal. I go to New Year’s Eve gatherings because it is a chance to socialise with people, have some fun, “let ya hair down a bit” but when it comes to getting all excited with the fireworks and the trekking it to London and the New Year’s resolutions, well I guess I’m a bit of a scrooge.

I guess up till September, my life was pretty constant. I went to church. I went to school. I hung out with friends. I helped at kids and youth clubs. Day in, day out, all year round, for the last – however many years, right? But this year, I’m here. I’m in a new place, with new people, with new prospects, and new hopes. And so I guess this year I’ve really began to realise the significance to what people see when a new year is dawning. They believe; they hope; that the New Year will bring new things for them, a chance of promotion, a chance of love, a change in lifestyle. They make resolutions, in the hope that THIS year, they will be able to keep it longer than the afternoon of New Years Day. They celebrate that, they live for that.

However, I am appalled and angry that £1.3 million was spent on the 11-MINUTE fireworks display in London for the New Year. £1.3 MILLION! Are you kidding me? If we as a country had that much money to spend on stupid fireworks, then why didn’t we sent it out to somewhere like the Philippines, or Africa, where children are dying every day because they don’t have clean water or enough food to eat? Where little children are living and working on rubbish dumps, searching for something they can sell, because they have no families to look after them. They have nowhere warm to come home to at night, no-one to give them a cuddle and tell them they love them. Can you blame me for being a scrooge when it comes to New Year with thoughts like that? Who makes decisions like that, to spend that amount of money on some FIREWORKS? So I guess I am still a bit of a scrooge when it comes to New Year.

In 2007, I spent an awful lot of money on things I didn’t need. But I’ve had enough. I’m going to change. In regards to presents on my birthday – I don’t want them anymore. I don’t need them anymore. Give me money, so that I can use it wisely, to aid the life of someone less fortunate than myself. So this is my mission in 2008: to not waste money on things that I don't need and to give the money that God gives me to whoever needs it the most. And I may fail, I may slip up, I may waste money on things I never really needed. But I’m sure as hell going to give it a go, and I shall press on trying, eager to do what I believe is right.

Narrow

N.B. I have a feeling that I will be blogging quite a bit in the next few days, I hope you can keep up. :)

I would just like to share a thought that I had today with you. It has often been said, when people have travelled a bit of the journey of Christianity, that when they look back, they realise that it has not been an easy one. Some may say that they were or were not warned that it was going to be a tough ride.

Some may be in the middle of that tough patch of the ride at the moment. But the thought I had was this: how often do I look at myself, and the way I am living my life when the journey is going well? How often, when I find that life is good, do I question my motives, and my thoughts? My actions and my words? The answer to that question, is well, not very often!

However, when I am going through a rough patch - when life is hard and the way ahead seems dark - it is then I turn to God; it is then that I look at myself and question what I am doing wrong: how I am sinning, how I am acting that does not demonstrate total love for God's people?

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that sin is the cause of hard times. If you are suffering from grief, or depression, or another illness it is because of some unconfessed sin in your life. No no no. I am simply saying that when you are a believer, and you are going through a hard time spiritually, it is probably because you were doing something right. The devil likes to attack us when he see's us doing great things for God. If everything is always going well for you - I think you might need to take a step back and look at the situation!

Anyways, that was just a thought I had for a few minutes this afternoon, hope it makes sense.

"You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."

Matthew 7: 13-14

Friendship

N.B. I have many degree's of friendship, therefore, just because I do not mention you by name, does not mean you do not mean the world to me. I probably still love you with all my heart.

Being back in Brentwood this week has been emotional for me. Seeing my family, catching up with my friends, going to my home church, walking around streets that I have walked on since I was a toddler. It's been strange. It's home in a physical sense, but emotionally, I don't feel "here" anymore. But it has meant a chance to catch up with the people in my life who haven't physically "been" in my life over the last few months. I've met up with quite a few of them, some more than others, and spent time catching up on what's been going on in their lives.

I know I have changed a lot in the last four months. If anything, my views on life and what is important has narrowed to the things that really matter - living like Christ and loving people for who they are. My life has changed too, and is now very different to the lives of some of those I have left behind. But what I love the most is that I can come home for this one week, and spend time with people, and it's as if I never went away. We make jokes, we tease each other, or one of us makes a spazzy comment that results in hysterical laughter all round... it's comfortable. There is no fakeness in ourselves. We are each as we are, individual in our attitudes, unique in our personalities, special in our ability to be with one another. And just be. Not talk, or make jokes, or mess around, (although that is what we often do). But sometimes we are able to just relax in the friendship we have with one another.

Yeah, I have changed, and they have changed too, and our lives are now on two very seperate tracks, but I am able to chat and laugh and cry with them just as I always did. And that is something so very special.

So to Susie, Sally, Georgia, Rachael and Ruth - thank you for being such very special, individual people, and thank you for sharing with me a relationship that continues to grow stronger every day.

All my love,

Ami xXx

Satisfaction

N.B. I have realised this Christmas that I get immense satisfaction from helping other people to do stuff. (Please don't get into a debate with me about selfless acts...)

Yesterday at the churches Christingle service, I had Reuben sitting on my lap for the entire thing. And I enjoyed it. Because Reuben wanted to sit on my lap, he wanted to be close to me, he wanted to spend time with me. He's a great kid. And I love him to pieces. And like all the children that I work with, he has something unique, and something extra special about him. And by allowing him to spend that time with me, I made him feel extra special, even if it was only for a moment. And thats what I love about my job.

There have been times in my life when I haven't felt like I was worth anything. But now I know that God loves me just as I am because I am special and loved by him. And now I am working my hardest to ensure that each child that I work with also feels special, and loved by me and by God. I don't care much for Child Protection. (Don't quote me on that.) If a kid wants/ needs/ asks for a hug, I will give it to them. And yes, I know that Child Protection is for my protection as well. But that's a risk I am going to take. Because sometimes, children, sometimes people, just need to be hugged. (Shutting up now, before I get arrested or something...)

I generally don't like having time to throw away. I like to help people. To give people my time. Because in the past, people have given up their time for me and its made a big difference to my life. When I'm with people, I'm normally smiling, and messing around, (unless they're trying to have a serious conversation with me of course, cause then it would be entirely inappropriate...) Being able to make people smile makes me feel good. Helping people out makes me feel satisfied. Is that so wrong? So often in the past, I have found that all I have to give is my time, so if thats all I have to give, that's what I'm giving.

Anyone want some? Give me a call.
(Or preferably an email/text cause I don't like talking on the phone.)
xXx

Sitting

I wrote today on an MSN group that I am occupying a state of mind between "eurgh" and "meh." To be honest, there really is no other way of putting it. That's exactly how I have been feeling these last few days. A number of situations and conversations have tipped me either way, but the majority of the time, things have just been hard. Hard to think about, even harder to talk about. And I'm not that much of a talker normally, but when I'm upset or sad, it gets worse. I clam up. I mutter. I just don't know what to say.

I suppose a lot of people these days expect people to want to talk about the things that worry them. The culture we live in expects people to speak up if they want help, if they need someone. But that in itself is a very hard situation for me. Talking about myself is rarely something I enjoy. And usually, its the people closest to me who have found that hardest to accept. That when I am upset, I actually don't want to answer their questions, or answer their stares. Some have made the mistake of thinking that it means I don't value them as a friend, or trust them. When often, it is only with the people I am the closest to that I allow myself to be openly upset. Everyone else gets the public face that I put on to protect myself. When asked, I will reply "fine." And it is only a handful of people who can see through that.

There has been a few conversations this week that I have treasured. I have been exploring myself with a friend a bit this week, and it was just one thing he said at the end of the conversation that made me realise how special some people are to me. He knows how hard I find it to talk to people, and I had said that I would talk when I was ready. His reply was that he would wait. And when I was ready I knew who I could talk to. And that until then, he would sit with me, and hold the Christ light for me.

Sit with me. Not ask me questions. Not look at me waiting for me to say something. But sit with me. I thought that was amazing, and a brilliant example of the present nature of Christ. Being there in the moments when the silence is the only comfort.

I have some dear friends, and some of which I would call my angels. They mean the world to me, and it is not because they make me laugh and smile, or because we have loads in common, or because we hang out in the same places. It is because they are present to me, available to talk to when I need, but also available to just sit and cry with. I am not going to name them, because they know who they are. But may God bless each one of them in their own situations, their own difficulties, and their own victories.

I am off to sing carols in Costa's. Good night. xXx

Vulnerable

N.B. Excuse me for a second, I really need to let this out or I am not going to get to sleep tonight. Sometimes, I just feel like everythings building in my subconscious and the only way to get it out is to write something. And so I write and I write, and eventually, words form together, and after a while, I carry on writing odd thoughts, whatever words pop into my head really. And thats how most of my poems come about.

I realised today that although some people think I am fairly open on here, a lot of my emotions I don't show, because I choose to write about them somewhere else, and only really spiritual or good things make it onto this blog. But thats not only what my journey has been about - and thats what I wanted this blog for, to record the journey of faith I was starting in Southend. There are times when I feel rubbish, and have failed. Times when I am struggling, when I am annoyed, or upset. Like tonight. After returning from a really good dinner, some things stayed in my head that I had been talking about that I realised actually bothered me a lot more than I let on. Part of building relationships is being vulnerable to people. Letting people in. I'm generally not so good at letting people in. My head is full of all kinds of things which I keep closely guarded under lock and key the majority of the time. But here is a chance to get inside my head. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I am torn
And inside, it hurts
Have two opposing courses of action
Ever seemed so far from one another?
Has a single moment, in all its glory
Ever truly made the distinction between
Hope and sorrow?
I am lost in the darkness
And through each little thing
That builds to this crescendo,
Slowly devouring my spirit,
I cry out, can anyone help me?
I know that someday,
This might put an end
To the way things have become.
And that knowledge, that conception:
It kills me
And I cannot stop it
Things have moved beyond my control
I am a spectator, a predictor
I have seen this all before.
But I am powerless. A weak bystander –
Soaked by the rain of bitterness and betrayal
I want to help.
But I cannot.
I am a failure: a mockery
A mere shadow that haunts the past
A scar that remembers the wound
Can ever one person mean so little?
I have failed you, dear brother.
And I am so very sorry.

Ami Wager © 2008

Cuddle

After the most amazing nativity this morning, followed by the church lunch, for some reason I felt a great emptiness inside of me. All my energy had been sucked out and thrown away. I didn't feel Christmassy. I didn't feel relieved that all the stress and worry that comes with helping run a nativity was over. I honestly just felt like crying. After the church was finally cleared and everything packed up, I didn't want to go home. So I just bummed round to Phil's house with his family instead. And I am so glad I did. His family are so great, like how I want my family to be like when I'm older. I felt so welcome, so accepted. And even though I was just about ready to burst into tears, I actually had a real nice time.

I get on well with all his kids, and Reuben (aged 6) is always jumping on me for a cuddle or a piggy-back. Last week he even confessed he wished I was his mum... (I think he meant sister...) Anyways, this evening, whilst watching Doctor Who, he fell asleep on my lap, and it was the most wonderful thing. It sounds pathetic, but that kind of total acceptance by a child gives you the most amazing feeling. It is a feeling totally pure, totally unmarred by age, completely loving. And it made me feel like I was worth the world.

And that's all I'm going to say about that. =]

Change

It may come as a surprise to some people, but I am terrified of change. It’s been one of the most important deciding factors in a lot of the way I have lived my life in the last few years. It’s the reason I stayed at County High to do A-Levels, and why I didn’t go to Uni. It’s a major reason why I took the subjects I took at A-Level – because I was familiar with the routine, with the teachers. I don’t get on too well with new teachers at first. I normally don't get on well with new anybody at first! I would say that I’m a bit of a perfectionist at heart. (I was watching a little kid colour a picture in yesterday, and it actually really got to me that they weren’t colouring within the lines...) I like things to be even, neat, simple, straight-forward. But of course, the world doesn’t work like that.

Things are constantly changing, rearranging, coming up, being cancelled, being rescheduled. Change for me means a lot of things, not many of them good. Change means new people who may reject me, people who might misunderstand me, people who might not like who I am, and people that could steal my friends away from me. Situations that I might not be able to handle, situations when I have to explain myself and situations when I have to talk about myself with people I don’t know. Questions I have to answer, questions about my family, about my background, about my lifestyle, and worst of all, about me. I’m not good at talking about me. I get embarrassed. I get nervous. I look at the floor. I look at the walls. I look for an escape, (but rarely get one.) I can listen for hours to someone talking about themselves. I can be interested in what they have to say. But I very rarely enjoy talking about me.

Giving my testimony at September training week was one of the hardest, most challenging experiences of this year so far. And yet, ever since that day, I realise now that something must have changed in me. My first week in Southend was awful. I cried myself to sleep every night, and I just wanted to go home and go back to my nice bed and familiar room just up the road from the church I had been attending since I was 4. Throughout that week, I met so many new people, all expecting something from me. And I was so completely terrified that I was going to fail them. I had no confidence in myself, no confidence in my abilities, and no confidence in God. When Training Week came, with all of its own challenges and tasks that I had to find the energy and the perseverance to endure, I was almost ready to give up. But I survived. And now I can look back at all the things I have achieved in the last three months. And yeah, most of them are really small and insignificant to the average person, but to me, there are some mammoth achievements in there.

I have made SO many new friends, had an (good?) influence on many young people’s lives. Shared parts of my life with people, some more than others, and shared in their lives too. I have risen to some challenges, and shied away from others; led bible studies, and helped others to lead; taken charge in some situations, and stepped back in others. And through all of that, I’ve learned some very important lessons. Life is full of its ups and downs. We never know what is around the corner. The world is constantly changing, constantly rearranging. But there is one thing that will never change. Something I can trust to always be there, always hold me, and always comfort me, is God’s never-ending, ever-changing, ineffable and incomparable Love.

I am still cautious about change. But now I know that change is necessary for growth. Change is needed to make people appreciate the status-quo. Change is required to make life that extra bit exciting. Change means realising what you’re missing out on, and working to make the world that tiny bit better. One word can mean the difference between happiness and total destruction. One song can change a million hearts. One life, can save the world.

Risk

N.B. A quote from Rev Peter Thomas (MA MA) - "You don't have to have a great faith, just faith in a great God!"

We had a church meeting tonight. And to tell the honest truth - it was dead exciting! The church really knows how to get a church meeting going - coffee and cakes at the beginning, and everyone sitting around little tables in groups. We started off with worship and praying with our group. And then we launched into the agenda.

Phil spoke for a few minutes about how even faith as small as a mustard seed can be used to do great things (can move mountains...) The church is moving forward, and how we cannot expect people to come to us, we must be prepared to go out to those who need our presence, especially among the local communities and wards to whom we are appointed. Part of that is the idea that we employ a second part-time minister(s) who are focussed on the pastoral care of the community. And so came the financial report.

It was positive! As always, it is concluded that we all need to up our giving. [Always true.] The treasurer also concluded with a final choice that each person must decide - are we a church that does things, or aren't we? (I think we are) And then we launched into discussion. This bit was the most exciting! How revolutionary and reassuring is it, when 98% of the members are completely confident in the church leaders visions and decisions! Comments were made about how we must take risks, in order for us to go anywhere. About how in the past, God has provided for the church when they most needed it. About how the generosity of people is not to be disvalued. About how we must believe that God will provide because God has called the church into this decision. About how if we ask Jesus for blessing on the money the church receives, then he will multiply it.

And so the church members voted... (unanimously) for Rev Jim and Rev Juliet Kilpin to come and start working part time with Avenue. Upping our community care levels. Setting up something for people to come to who may not be part of the Sunday morning crowd. Getting stuck in to the local community work and caring for people one-on-one, investigating new possibilites about how we can take care of those who need our help. Is that an exciting church meeting or what! =]

During the notices at the end of the meeting, it was mentioned about how discussions have been had with the local Costa Coffee, and they have agreed to let us in one evening to sing carols in the corner, and lead a time of worship. The church often talks about its plans to set up a service in the other ward to service the local community - which is run down and in desperate need of being shown the love of Jesus. There is a mission team going the Philippines in April, and another one to Romania the year after that. This is what I became a Christian for. Not to hide in a church building planning bible studies and youth clubs. (Although that is an important part of my job) But to get my hands dirty - to reach out to those who are searching in all the wrong places for God. To talk and love and care for those society rejects. This is not just me dreaming. This is reality. This is this church, at this time, going places. And I am so pleased to be a part of it. =]

"The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches."

Matthew 13: 31-32 (NIV)

Reassurance

I felt reassured this week. I felt that yet again, God was letting me know that He does know where I am, and its just where He wants me. But he didn't do that by some massive miracle or by sending me a letter/text/email or facebook message. Instead, He sent me two angels to be with me when I felt really; almost unexplainably; upset.

At the beginning of this week, I was feeling pretty low. I was tired, ill, cranky, stressed, lonely, and just really wanting to crawl into a ball and sleep forever. However, I was never given that option. (Or the chance - Its understandable to say that things have been pretty hectic around here lately. I work for a church. And in just 28 days, its Christmas. Its finally crept up on us, and I'm not ready at ALL.)

So yeah. I had a pretty busy week coming up. I had loads of things to do. I wasn't feeling up to any of it. And yet the only thing that made me feel better, was just being with these two people. (Who know full well who they are.) I've had some other things that on my mind lately, which I didn't tell anyone about. Things that were actually really getting to me, and yet I never had the opportunity to share. Maybe things that I were trying to deny, in the hope that if I never thought about them, they might go away.

However, any mood other than happy never seems to surpass Rachel, who seemed to know immediately something was up, even though I never said anything. We talked for a bit, and with each thing that she said, it almost seemed as though she was reaching into the knot in my stomach and ripping it out of me. It hurt. But I needed it. Because I find it so extremely difficult to talk to people. So much of my life is still very raw on my heart, and whenever I get into a situation where I have to talk about it I normally clam up, get embarrassed, or change the subject. But I couldn't with Rachel. She was there, and she knew I needed to talk about it. And so she prodded. And she poked. And then she just hugged me until I just couldn't hold on to it anymore. And it just all came tumbling out. (Amidst more tears... they must think I'm such a crybaby.) And yeah, after it all, I was still tired, ill, stressed, and had loads of things to do and plan. But I also knew I had discovered a very special friend. Someone who wasn't going to let me go because of all the things that had happened in my past. Someone who wasn't afraid to share in my sufferings. Someone that extra bit special. And that, for me, this week, is something I could have only dreamed of.

So Rachel, if you ever read this. Don't ever change. You are completely special and wonderful just how you are, and you are and will be used for even greater things than these.

All my love.

Ami. xXx

Patience

N.B. God's been nagging at me to write this blog for a good few weeks, so here it goes. Please be patient with me, I am very tired.

So it just so happens that I've been thinking about this topic ever since I found the picture of the hour glass, and picked the bible verse below because I felt it fitted with what I wanted to say - and it just so happens that the below verse was the core of Sunday evening's sermon, so I thought I had better get me skates on and publish this.

Patience is one of those things that is so hard to have, and yet, demonstrates a love and a trusting for what God is doing in one's life. I've often thought about this when praying for things, wanting to say 'If it is your will' afterwards, to reinstate to myself that I cannot control what happens, but must wait for the Will of God to take its course. About five years ago, I was given a small piece of card at Christian Union with the following words on it:

"In your way and in your time, thats how it's going to be in my life.

And though some prayers I've prayed, may seem unanswered yet,

I will wait, and I will not regret the time, because in your time there is rest."

I have always remembered those words, and have tried, to the best of my ability to apply them to my life. When trying to decide what to do on my Gap Year, I waited an awful long time for God to tell me where to go. And He left it pretty late, but it was the right time. I arrived at the placement church I was supposed to be placed at.

I love the scene in Evan Almighty where God (Morgan Freeman) is talking to Evan's wife about what God does when people pray for things:

"If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? "

At Youth Group on Saturday night, the youth were being pretty rowdy and rude to me, and instead of demonstrating a cool, christian adult-ness and keeping cool, I lost my temper after about twenty minutes. (I'm suprised I lasted that long...) In hindsight, I can see that that may not have been the best way to handle the situation, and it reminds me that although it takes a lot to get me angry these days, I am still susceptible to losing my temper, and that I need to practice my patience more readily. God brought that situation to me to allow me a chance to demonstrate Christian patience, but boy, did I blow it.

The sermon was talking about how as Christians, we must strive to go that extra mile to live a life that is humble, and forever demonstrates patience. If there is someone we do not like, or get on with, not only must strive to get on with them, but we must demonstrate our love for them as best we can. There are a few people that God has put on my heart tonight, and throughout this week whom I have been trying to avoid because I know I don't get on with them very well. This passage reminds me that being a Christian means going the extra mile for our neighbours, but most importantly, being loving and humble about it.

I pray tonight that God will bring more situations into my life that will allow me to practice my understanding of the ineffable love that is ours through Jesus Christ.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Ephesians 4:2-3

Weeping

N.B. I've actually got an awesome blog I am writing about Patience, its sitting half written as a draft at the minute, but it'll be coming soon.

For some reason, this evening I have felt very emotional. And not even the entire of this evening, just these last two hours really. I feel like something awful has happened, and I'm still in shock mode, and then any minute now it will finally hit me and I will begin to cry like a baby.

I guess its times like this when I really begin to miss being close to my friends and family. I mean, yeah, I'm half an hour away. But there's no chance of me getting on a train to Brentwood at 11:40pm and turning up at a friends house unannounced at midnight. I really don't think they will appreciate it.

And now a song has just started playing on my iTunes that seems like God slapping me in the face: You Raise Me Up. The children did a dance with sticks to that song this morning in the church service - God knew I was gona feel like this and wanted to remind me He was there. And then when I sat here feeling ultra-rubbish He thought He'd give me a nudge. Well spoken God - I get the picture. Unfortunately, its not making me feel any better.

Thinking about it, Phil actually read a wonderful passage from Ecclesiastes (brilliant book) in the Evening Service. It would probably fit really well with my blog on Patience, but I'm going to end this blog with it instead; because it reminds me that sometimes, I am going to feel like crying, and being emotional. But that's ok; because in every moment God is there. And I can share my sorrows with Him.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NIV)

Money

It is often said that we live in a world where everything is about the here and now, we need immediate gratification for things, if we want something, we want it NOW. And to some degree, that is true. The main reason being because when people want things, they nearly always have the capacity to GET things - the increase in bank loans, credit card usage, and as a result, debt, is a constant reminder of that. You only have to be watching the TV for ten seconds before an advert about 'reducing your credit card payments' or 'one easy loan to pay back other loans' comes on.

I'm pretty easy-going when it comes to money. What I have, I generally share. I very rarely manage to save up for things. My general motto is, if I have the money, I'll use it, if I don't, I won't. That may be due to my upbringing; we never had money to throw around, and if we didn't have the money to buy something, we generally didn't buy it. We made do with what we had. But I don't feel that I was ever deprived of anything. As long as you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on the table, you're richer than about 90% of the world's population.

Saying that, the one thing that initially held me back about doing this year was the worry that I would not be able to afford it. £2950 is more money that I had ever dreamed about. But what I didn't take into account, was the wonderful generosity of the people around me, and the faithful nature of God, who makes things possible. Since deciding to do Optimum, God has provided for me, when I learnt to trust in him. Whilst I was worrying about getting the money, and panicking about whether or not I would get on with the people at the church, I had nothing. As soon as I trusted that God would provide, I got everything. The money, a wonderful host church, a wonderful host family, and people who care and support me in my work. What else could I need?

The one thing I have always wanted to do is work abroad with children, in a country where the people are not rich with money, but instead, rich with love and kindness. It's my dream. If an opportunity arises to do that, I'm going to take it. And I'm going to trust that God will provide the resources for me to do so.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Psalm 28: 7