Profundis

N.B. At the Praise and Healing Service a few weeks ago, I was experiencing a real numbness of heart, towards God and my own relationship with him. At that moment in time, I felt I could do nothing else but pray for other people. And I did, in all earnesty and sincerity, pray for some people that are dear to my heart, and needing of some real intervention. But never in those moments could I contemplate restoring God's faithfulness to my own heart, and I left the service feeling two things: that God had the power to change things, and that He wanted nothing to do with me. A complete thought contradiction, I know, but that's how I was feeling.

During the service, Phil used the following prayer. And although at the time, I was not in the right state of mind, (or perhaps this was why) I felt the pit of fear building in my stomach as we prayed this as an entire congregation. But when I got home, I prayed it again, by myself in the stillness, and have been praying it ever since.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than those who watch for the morning.
Out of the depths I have cried to You.

O Lord, hear my voice.

With my whole heart I want to praise You.

O Lord, hear my voice.

If you, Lord, should mark iniquities

Who could stand? who could stand?
I will wait for the Lord.

My soul waits, and in His word do I hope.

Lord, You have always given bread for the coming day;

and though I am poor, today I believe.
Lord, You have always given strength for the coming day;

and though I am weak, today I believe.
Lord, You have always given peace for the coming day;

and though of anxious heart, today I believe.
Lord, You have always kept me safe in trials;

and now, tried as I am, today I believe.
Lord, You have always marked the road for the coming day;

and though it may be hidden, today I believe.
Lord, You have always lightened this darkness of mine;

and though the night is here, today I believe.
Lord, You have always spoken when time was ripe;

and though you be silent now, today I believe.

[Northumbria Community Evening Prayer]