N.B. I've not been feeling too settled lately. Maybe you know that, maybe you don't care, but I just wanted to apologise in advance if my blogs seem a bit... off, over the coming weeks. And hey, feel free to comment to let me know I'm not alone here.I was at Training today, and there came a point when I found myself just staring out of the massive great window that is seated on either side of the barn. And as I thought about all manner of things, that verse that talks about us being of the world, or in the world came into my head (and I don't even really know what it means.) But I know that so often, I will look out of this window and watch those outside enjoying the beauty of the sun and surroundings, and wish I were in it.
During lunchtime I took a walk/run with God, and trudged to the top of "the mound". When I got there, I just shouted out to God, "What do you want from me?" over and over again. I screamed, I shouted, I fell on my knees before God. And I waited. I wanted to cry so so much, but nothing came. No tears fell. I asked God what was wrong with me. No booming voice or answer came. Maybe I'm not listening right.
1 comment:
Hey lovely- Pls dnt read this wrong, i'm gonna write exactly what i think God has put on my heart and not hold any punches- no added sugar, but hope it helps :-S
Ami, He loves you. He loves that you want to be near to Him. He loves that every second He seems distant makes you want to be with Him more. It's in these times that you don't feel Him that you learn to love the One you can't see, and trust the God who gives and takes away. And what he wants from you is simple, but so difficult. He wants everything. He wants all of you, all of your heart, all of your pain, all of your searching, all of your desperation, all of your joy. He wants it all. Every plan everything you thougt you knew about yourself and about Him- He wants it all laid down until you are kneeling helpless at His feet. But in this position of utter destitution He lifts up your head.
There is no way to listen right other than to be quiet and open our ears. But if He is not talking right now, then maybe He wants you to learn to love Him when He's invisible and trust Him when He doesn't seem to be there. It is in the seeking that we grow closer. Roads are for journeys, not destinations.
Your walk with Him is beautiful- Your struggle is a thing of wonder- Your faith in Him is becoming immovable through the desperate clinging to the rock of ages. Know one thing if nothing else: He loves you, He loves you, He loves you. He's crazy about you, ami. And He has your heart.
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