Narrow

N.B. I have a feeling that I will be blogging quite a bit in the next few days, I hope you can keep up. :)

I would just like to share a thought that I had today with you. It has often been said, when people have travelled a bit of the journey of Christianity, that when they look back, they realise that it has not been an easy one. Some may say that they were or were not warned that it was going to be a tough ride.

Some may be in the middle of that tough patch of the ride at the moment. But the thought I had was this: how often do I look at myself, and the way I am living my life when the journey is going well? How often, when I find that life is good, do I question my motives, and my thoughts? My actions and my words? The answer to that question, is well, not very often!

However, when I am going through a rough patch - when life is hard and the way ahead seems dark - it is then I turn to God; it is then that I look at myself and question what I am doing wrong: how I am sinning, how I am acting that does not demonstrate total love for God's people?

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that sin is the cause of hard times. If you are suffering from grief, or depression, or another illness it is because of some unconfessed sin in your life. No no no. I am simply saying that when you are a believer, and you are going through a hard time spiritually, it is probably because you were doing something right. The devil likes to attack us when he see's us doing great things for God. If everything is always going well for you - I think you might need to take a step back and look at the situation!

Anyways, that was just a thought I had for a few minutes this afternoon, hope it makes sense.

"You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."

Matthew 7: 13-14

Friendship

N.B. I have many degree's of friendship, therefore, just because I do not mention you by name, does not mean you do not mean the world to me. I probably still love you with all my heart.

Being back in Brentwood this week has been emotional for me. Seeing my family, catching up with my friends, going to my home church, walking around streets that I have walked on since I was a toddler. It's been strange. It's home in a physical sense, but emotionally, I don't feel "here" anymore. But it has meant a chance to catch up with the people in my life who haven't physically "been" in my life over the last few months. I've met up with quite a few of them, some more than others, and spent time catching up on what's been going on in their lives.

I know I have changed a lot in the last four months. If anything, my views on life and what is important has narrowed to the things that really matter - living like Christ and loving people for who they are. My life has changed too, and is now very different to the lives of some of those I have left behind. But what I love the most is that I can come home for this one week, and spend time with people, and it's as if I never went away. We make jokes, we tease each other, or one of us makes a spazzy comment that results in hysterical laughter all round... it's comfortable. There is no fakeness in ourselves. We are each as we are, individual in our attitudes, unique in our personalities, special in our ability to be with one another. And just be. Not talk, or make jokes, or mess around, (although that is what we often do). But sometimes we are able to just relax in the friendship we have with one another.

Yeah, I have changed, and they have changed too, and our lives are now on two very seperate tracks, but I am able to chat and laugh and cry with them just as I always did. And that is something so very special.

So to Susie, Sally, Georgia, Rachael and Ruth - thank you for being such very special, individual people, and thank you for sharing with me a relationship that continues to grow stronger every day.

All my love,

Ami xXx

Satisfaction

N.B. I have realised this Christmas that I get immense satisfaction from helping other people to do stuff. (Please don't get into a debate with me about selfless acts...)

Yesterday at the churches Christingle service, I had Reuben sitting on my lap for the entire thing. And I enjoyed it. Because Reuben wanted to sit on my lap, he wanted to be close to me, he wanted to spend time with me. He's a great kid. And I love him to pieces. And like all the children that I work with, he has something unique, and something extra special about him. And by allowing him to spend that time with me, I made him feel extra special, even if it was only for a moment. And thats what I love about my job.

There have been times in my life when I haven't felt like I was worth anything. But now I know that God loves me just as I am because I am special and loved by him. And now I am working my hardest to ensure that each child that I work with also feels special, and loved by me and by God. I don't care much for Child Protection. (Don't quote me on that.) If a kid wants/ needs/ asks for a hug, I will give it to them. And yes, I know that Child Protection is for my protection as well. But that's a risk I am going to take. Because sometimes, children, sometimes people, just need to be hugged. (Shutting up now, before I get arrested or something...)

I generally don't like having time to throw away. I like to help people. To give people my time. Because in the past, people have given up their time for me and its made a big difference to my life. When I'm with people, I'm normally smiling, and messing around, (unless they're trying to have a serious conversation with me of course, cause then it would be entirely inappropriate...) Being able to make people smile makes me feel good. Helping people out makes me feel satisfied. Is that so wrong? So often in the past, I have found that all I have to give is my time, so if thats all I have to give, that's what I'm giving.

Anyone want some? Give me a call.
(Or preferably an email/text cause I don't like talking on the phone.)
xXx

Sitting

I wrote today on an MSN group that I am occupying a state of mind between "eurgh" and "meh." To be honest, there really is no other way of putting it. That's exactly how I have been feeling these last few days. A number of situations and conversations have tipped me either way, but the majority of the time, things have just been hard. Hard to think about, even harder to talk about. And I'm not that much of a talker normally, but when I'm upset or sad, it gets worse. I clam up. I mutter. I just don't know what to say.

I suppose a lot of people these days expect people to want to talk about the things that worry them. The culture we live in expects people to speak up if they want help, if they need someone. But that in itself is a very hard situation for me. Talking about myself is rarely something I enjoy. And usually, its the people closest to me who have found that hardest to accept. That when I am upset, I actually don't want to answer their questions, or answer their stares. Some have made the mistake of thinking that it means I don't value them as a friend, or trust them. When often, it is only with the people I am the closest to that I allow myself to be openly upset. Everyone else gets the public face that I put on to protect myself. When asked, I will reply "fine." And it is only a handful of people who can see through that.

There has been a few conversations this week that I have treasured. I have been exploring myself with a friend a bit this week, and it was just one thing he said at the end of the conversation that made me realise how special some people are to me. He knows how hard I find it to talk to people, and I had said that I would talk when I was ready. His reply was that he would wait. And when I was ready I knew who I could talk to. And that until then, he would sit with me, and hold the Christ light for me.

Sit with me. Not ask me questions. Not look at me waiting for me to say something. But sit with me. I thought that was amazing, and a brilliant example of the present nature of Christ. Being there in the moments when the silence is the only comfort.

I have some dear friends, and some of which I would call my angels. They mean the world to me, and it is not because they make me laugh and smile, or because we have loads in common, or because we hang out in the same places. It is because they are present to me, available to talk to when I need, but also available to just sit and cry with. I am not going to name them, because they know who they are. But may God bless each one of them in their own situations, their own difficulties, and their own victories.

I am off to sing carols in Costa's. Good night. xXx

Vulnerable

N.B. Excuse me for a second, I really need to let this out or I am not going to get to sleep tonight. Sometimes, I just feel like everythings building in my subconscious and the only way to get it out is to write something. And so I write and I write, and eventually, words form together, and after a while, I carry on writing odd thoughts, whatever words pop into my head really. And thats how most of my poems come about.

I realised today that although some people think I am fairly open on here, a lot of my emotions I don't show, because I choose to write about them somewhere else, and only really spiritual or good things make it onto this blog. But thats not only what my journey has been about - and thats what I wanted this blog for, to record the journey of faith I was starting in Southend. There are times when I feel rubbish, and have failed. Times when I am struggling, when I am annoyed, or upset. Like tonight. After returning from a really good dinner, some things stayed in my head that I had been talking about that I realised actually bothered me a lot more than I let on. Part of building relationships is being vulnerable to people. Letting people in. I'm generally not so good at letting people in. My head is full of all kinds of things which I keep closely guarded under lock and key the majority of the time. But here is a chance to get inside my head. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I am torn
And inside, it hurts
Have two opposing courses of action
Ever seemed so far from one another?
Has a single moment, in all its glory
Ever truly made the distinction between
Hope and sorrow?
I am lost in the darkness
And through each little thing
That builds to this crescendo,
Slowly devouring my spirit,
I cry out, can anyone help me?
I know that someday,
This might put an end
To the way things have become.
And that knowledge, that conception:
It kills me
And I cannot stop it
Things have moved beyond my control
I am a spectator, a predictor
I have seen this all before.
But I am powerless. A weak bystander –
Soaked by the rain of bitterness and betrayal
I want to help.
But I cannot.
I am a failure: a mockery
A mere shadow that haunts the past
A scar that remembers the wound
Can ever one person mean so little?
I have failed you, dear brother.
And I am so very sorry.

Ami Wager © 2008

Cuddle

After the most amazing nativity this morning, followed by the church lunch, for some reason I felt a great emptiness inside of me. All my energy had been sucked out and thrown away. I didn't feel Christmassy. I didn't feel relieved that all the stress and worry that comes with helping run a nativity was over. I honestly just felt like crying. After the church was finally cleared and everything packed up, I didn't want to go home. So I just bummed round to Phil's house with his family instead. And I am so glad I did. His family are so great, like how I want my family to be like when I'm older. I felt so welcome, so accepted. And even though I was just about ready to burst into tears, I actually had a real nice time.

I get on well with all his kids, and Reuben (aged 6) is always jumping on me for a cuddle or a piggy-back. Last week he even confessed he wished I was his mum... (I think he meant sister...) Anyways, this evening, whilst watching Doctor Who, he fell asleep on my lap, and it was the most wonderful thing. It sounds pathetic, but that kind of total acceptance by a child gives you the most amazing feeling. It is a feeling totally pure, totally unmarred by age, completely loving. And it made me feel like I was worth the world.

And that's all I'm going to say about that. =]

Change

It may come as a surprise to some people, but I am terrified of change. It’s been one of the most important deciding factors in a lot of the way I have lived my life in the last few years. It’s the reason I stayed at County High to do A-Levels, and why I didn’t go to Uni. It’s a major reason why I took the subjects I took at A-Level – because I was familiar with the routine, with the teachers. I don’t get on too well with new teachers at first. I normally don't get on well with new anybody at first! I would say that I’m a bit of a perfectionist at heart. (I was watching a little kid colour a picture in yesterday, and it actually really got to me that they weren’t colouring within the lines...) I like things to be even, neat, simple, straight-forward. But of course, the world doesn’t work like that.

Things are constantly changing, rearranging, coming up, being cancelled, being rescheduled. Change for me means a lot of things, not many of them good. Change means new people who may reject me, people who might misunderstand me, people who might not like who I am, and people that could steal my friends away from me. Situations that I might not be able to handle, situations when I have to explain myself and situations when I have to talk about myself with people I don’t know. Questions I have to answer, questions about my family, about my background, about my lifestyle, and worst of all, about me. I’m not good at talking about me. I get embarrassed. I get nervous. I look at the floor. I look at the walls. I look for an escape, (but rarely get one.) I can listen for hours to someone talking about themselves. I can be interested in what they have to say. But I very rarely enjoy talking about me.

Giving my testimony at September training week was one of the hardest, most challenging experiences of this year so far. And yet, ever since that day, I realise now that something must have changed in me. My first week in Southend was awful. I cried myself to sleep every night, and I just wanted to go home and go back to my nice bed and familiar room just up the road from the church I had been attending since I was 4. Throughout that week, I met so many new people, all expecting something from me. And I was so completely terrified that I was going to fail them. I had no confidence in myself, no confidence in my abilities, and no confidence in God. When Training Week came, with all of its own challenges and tasks that I had to find the energy and the perseverance to endure, I was almost ready to give up. But I survived. And now I can look back at all the things I have achieved in the last three months. And yeah, most of them are really small and insignificant to the average person, but to me, there are some mammoth achievements in there.

I have made SO many new friends, had an (good?) influence on many young people’s lives. Shared parts of my life with people, some more than others, and shared in their lives too. I have risen to some challenges, and shied away from others; led bible studies, and helped others to lead; taken charge in some situations, and stepped back in others. And through all of that, I’ve learned some very important lessons. Life is full of its ups and downs. We never know what is around the corner. The world is constantly changing, constantly rearranging. But there is one thing that will never change. Something I can trust to always be there, always hold me, and always comfort me, is God’s never-ending, ever-changing, ineffable and incomparable Love.

I am still cautious about change. But now I know that change is necessary for growth. Change is needed to make people appreciate the status-quo. Change is required to make life that extra bit exciting. Change means realising what you’re missing out on, and working to make the world that tiny bit better. One word can mean the difference between happiness and total destruction. One song can change a million hearts. One life, can save the world.