Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Torment

N.B. If you are easily offended, please don't read. This is my blog, and I'm venting. I was unsure whether to post this blog, but I guess I'm practicing being honest with how I'm feeling, and this was a deeply significant time for me while I was away.

I don't want to speak. I feel disgusted at the thought of another word escaping my lips. Who am I? That I should merit blessing from God? I can think of no-one worse. Pity and love I deserve none. This dread is rising up in my stomach, stuck in my throat and choking me. How can I explain this in words? No, not even tears could explain this. It is more frightening than anything I have ever experienced before. Where has it come from? From what inner depths is it sourced? I forbid them overwhelm me, but who am I to command such freedom over it? There is no stopping it, no restricting its power over me. Do I need prayer? I feel it is too late for that now. Whatever demons I have contained inside me, now burst through, filling my head with anger and hate. And yet I fear 'hate' is not strong enough a word. Or perhaps it is not the right word. Complete confusion hangs over me now.

Have I anyone in the world? Or do the suspicions that arise in me now ring true? No-one really treasures who I am. I am just a convenience, a laugh, someone to use when everyone else is unavailable. Is there any who would stick around just for me? I am the last, the least, a useless shit in God's awesome kingdom. Why am I here? Oh, if someone were to let me in. I want nothing more than to be accepted, to be good enough, to be thought of. Am I really that awful? That none should consider my feelings. Constantly let down, or left out. But who could think worse of me that what I think of myself? I am left alone to dry these silent tears, left alone without God to comfort my soul. For even he has rejected me now, it seems. I am too unworthy to even think upon calling his name, and I am left unable to do so now anyway.

Everything within me is broken. There is nothing left inside me to bring my sanity round to existence. Who gives a fuck about me? I would desire nothing greater than to drag a razor across my tortured flesh. Ripping the demons from within me, I wish to bleed. To pour out the dark spirits that consume me from within. I am nothing, worth nothing, worthy of no love, nor compassion, and who is there now to give it to me, except God? And where is He? Not with me. Not even thinking of me. He leaves me here, to suffer. He leaves my mind to torment me further. I repulse them. I repulse them all. But more than that, I repulse myself. What fucking sick mind is this? That desires the blood more than life itself?

Why do you torment me God? Why do you leave me here? Is there nothing in me that pleases you? None that could be of use to you? Father, don't leave me to fight this alone. Don't take my lifeline from me? Am I really destined to live like this? In silence, excruciating mental torture? Please, Father, please. I feel like my head is going to explode with these questions Lord, are you really there? Do you even care about me, if just a little bit? In my silence Lord, in my ultimate surrender, will you meet with me? Father? I'm looking for you.
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