Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Ledge

N.B. The title isn't actually intending to be a corny abbreviation of Leading Edge, but rather my thoughts (well, the rational ones at least...) about how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks.

I knew it was coming. So I don't know why I was so shocked when it finally hit me. I mean, everything that goes up, right? I guess I was being optimistic about how soon it would affect me. It's been barely 3 weeks since I left and already I'm feeling like it's been a million years. Or rather, my world has abruptly stopped turning while the rest of the world carries on. *sigh*

*Ami is really feeling like all this time on her own has not been overly helpful to her state of mind.*

Maybe all this has just highlighted how much of the time I am in two minds about things, walking a thin line between my two worlds - both holding as much reality as the other. Pain or ignorance? The truth or the mask? Subjective reality or insanity? Who can decipher between these things?

Right here. In my tent. Listening to the rain splatter mercilessly on the nylon roof. I feel like a fraud. I worship,and yet when the session ends I wonder why? I sing about God being my all, yet I have so much inside me that I've hidden for so long. I tell my kids to trust in God, yet I struggle to let him take control. In these quiet moments in which I search myself, I wonder what God sees in me. I wonder what he was thinking when he created my thoughts.

"Come here, please hold my hand, Lord, now
Help me, I'm scared please show me how to fight this,
God has a master plan, and I guess,
I am in his demand
Please save me, this time I cannot run,
And I'll see, you when this is done
And now I, have come to realize
That you are, the one who's left behind
Please stay until I'm gone, I'm here
Hold on to me, I'm right here waiting..."
'Not Now' - Blink 182

I know that in an hours time, I will emerge from my tent and smile at the first person I see, and maybe even have a small light-hearted conversation. Why? Because that's who I am. I just wish Ihad the guts to be the person she feels like inside right now.

P.S. Sorry Susie. ;)
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