I think of all the reasons why such behaviour should upset me. Mostly because I know that it is purely the 'acting out' of someone whose soul is not settled into any sort of tranquil entity, but rather the behaviour of one whose inner turmoil has become to unpredictable to understand. I cannot believe that such unashamed ignorance of dignity comes from any kind of rounded individual. But these behaviours that I have witnessed today haunt me to the core, and arise in me a deep longing for God's love to shine through in this place.
And where has the knowledge and comfort in Deity gone? How can one now turn their back on something that once held such prevalence in their lives? And was there ever a moment when I made a decision that meant that I didn't turn out like them? Or maybe I am like them. Endlessly drawn to the ways of Satan himself. But why should I enjoy a life blessed by forgiveness when they are trapped in this endless cycle of sin and guilt? All these questions control my mind this hour.
* * *
What has brought me to this moment in time? Has every decision I have ever made consequented in this moment, this hour. How are my feelings being influenced by God himself, and how so by man, by earthly situations that stir from within, frothing over into my mind like white horses on the sea?
All around me, worlds continue to merge and to separate, to die and to destruct, but also are born and imagined. Swirling spheres of individual universes collide and merge, exploding into shards of light that spread outwards, each a little more special as they are connectedwith more and more lives that once span in solitude. When was this transformation, from an isolated planet that became part of such a vast galaxy? I feel that somewhere along the way I have lost myself, and now only part of me remains. I feel sad, to have lost a large part of who I used to be, but I surrender to the idea that maybe it has not gone as far as I choose to believe.