Monday, 25 August 2008

Control

N.B. At Momentum I was reading this book, and as I read this part (below) I felt like it explained what I think was going on in my last blog, and what will, (I have no doubt) be happening over the next few months as God heals whatever I have inside me.

"The Lord knew it was going to be hard for me to change into the person he wanted me to be, because I was so used to living the total opposite. He had a lot of hell to squeeze out of me, and believe me - when the hell leaves you, sometimes it screams at God on the way out. And when the pain from your past leaves you, sometimes you have to feel it again on the way out."
'Save Me From Myself' - Brian Welch

If this knot in my stomach disperses, I fear I may throw up. I can feel the churning clock of time wrenching and searching, confusing my gut reaction with complete meltdown. I don't understand what's going on inside me, and my greatest fear is that no-one else does either. But how could they, being neither me nor God? I long for one person, just one persont o explain to me the torments and fears inside my head. I barely slept last night, sleep interspersed with nightmares and dreams, that shook me awake. What is happening to me God? Am I losing my mind?

I feel like I can think rational thoughts, but then my mind wanders to behaviours I daren't go back to. Is this where you want me to go? Are you taking me back there for a reason? Do you really think I am at last strong enough to deal with the pain? Or are you not yet convinced I am able to move on? I fear going back there would pierce old wounds and leave me bleeding. I fear going back there would awaken old emotions that were too strong for me to cope with before. If God is calling me back, sending me back, then I fear I have no choice, or rather, I fear greatest, I have no control.
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