Thursday, 20 December 2007

Sitting

I wrote today on an MSN group that I am occupying a state of mind between "eurgh" and "meh." To be honest, there really is no other way of putting it. That's exactly how I have been feeling these last few days. A number of situations and conversations have tipped me either way, but the majority of the time, things have just been hard. Hard to think about, even harder to talk about. And I'm not that much of a talker normally, but when I'm upset or sad, it gets worse. I clam up. I mutter. I just don't know what to say.

I suppose a lot of people these days expect people to want to talk about the things that worry them. The culture we live in expects people to speak up if they want help, if they need someone. But that in itself is a very hard situation for me. Talking about myself is rarely something I enjoy. And usually, its the people closest to me who have found that hardest to accept. That when I am upset, I actually don't want to answer their questions, or answer their stares. Some have made the mistake of thinking that it means I don't value them as a friend, or trust them. When often, it is only with the people I am the closest to that I allow myself to be openly upset. Everyone else gets the public face that I put on to protect myself. When asked, I will reply "fine." And it is only a handful of people who can see through that.

There has been a few conversations this week that I have treasured. I have been exploring myself with a friend a bit this week, and it was just one thing he said at the end of the conversation that made me realise how special some people are to me. He knows how hard I find it to talk to people, and I had said that I would talk when I was ready. His reply was that he would wait. And when I was ready I knew who I could talk to. And that until then, he would sit with me, and hold the Christ light for me.

Sit with me. Not ask me questions. Not look at me waiting for me to say something. But sit with me. I thought that was amazing, and a brilliant example of the present nature of Christ. Being there in the moments when the silence is the only comfort.

I have some dear friends, and some of which I would call my angels. They mean the world to me, and it is not because they make me laugh and smile, or because we have loads in common, or because we hang out in the same places. It is because they are present to me, available to talk to when I need, but also available to just sit and cry with. I am not going to name them, because they know who they are. But may God bless each one of them in their own situations, their own difficulties, and their own victories.

I am off to sing carols in Costa's. Good night. xXx
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