Torment

N.B. If you are easily offended, please don't read. This is my blog, and I'm venting. I was unsure whether to post this blog, but I guess I'm practicing being honest with how I'm feeling, and this was a deeply significant time for me while I was away.

I don't want to speak. I feel disgusted at the thought of another word escaping my lips. Who am I? That I should merit blessing from God? I can think of no-one worse. Pity and love I deserve none. This dread is rising up in my stomach, stuck in my throat and choking me. How can I explain this in words? No, not even tears could explain this. It is more frightening than anything I have ever experienced before. Where has it come from? From what inner depths is it sourced? I forbid them overwhelm me, but who am I to command such freedom over it? There is no stopping it, no restricting its power over me. Do I need prayer? I feel it is too late for that now. Whatever demons I have contained inside me, now burst through, filling my head with anger and hate. And yet I fear 'hate' is not strong enough a word. Or perhaps it is not the right word. Complete confusion hangs over me now.

Have I anyone in the world? Or do the suspicions that arise in me now ring true? No-one really treasures who I am. I am just a convenience, a laugh, someone to use when everyone else is unavailable. Is there any who would stick around just for me? I am the last, the least, a useless shit in God's awesome kingdom. Why am I here? Oh, if someone were to let me in. I want nothing more than to be accepted, to be good enough, to be thought of. Am I really that awful? That none should consider my feelings. Constantly let down, or left out. But who could think worse of me that what I think of myself? I am left alone to dry these silent tears, left alone without God to comfort my soul. For even he has rejected me now, it seems. I am too unworthy to even think upon calling his name, and I am left unable to do so now anyway.

Everything within me is broken. There is nothing left inside me to bring my sanity round to existence. Who gives a fuck about me? I would desire nothing greater than to drag a razor across my tortured flesh. Ripping the demons from within me, I wish to bleed. To pour out the dark spirits that consume me from within. I am nothing, worth nothing, worthy of no love, nor compassion, and who is there now to give it to me, except God? And where is He? Not with me. Not even thinking of me. He leaves me here, to suffer. He leaves my mind to torment me further. I repulse them. I repulse them all. But more than that, I repulse myself. What fucking sick mind is this? That desires the blood more than life itself?

Why do you torment me God? Why do you leave me here? Is there nothing in me that pleases you? None that could be of use to you? Father, don't leave me to fight this alone. Don't take my lifeline from me? Am I really destined to live like this? In silence, excruciating mental torture? Please, Father, please. I feel like my head is going to explode with these questions Lord, are you really there? Do you even care about me, if just a little bit? In my silence Lord, in my ultimate surrender, will you meet with me? Father? I'm looking for you.

Ledge

N.B. The title isn't actually intending to be a corny abbreviation of Leading Edge, but rather my thoughts (well, the rational ones at least...) about how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks.

I knew it was coming. So I don't know why I was so shocked when it finally hit me. I mean, everything that goes up, right? I guess I was being optimistic about how soon it would affect me. It's been barely 3 weeks since I left and already I'm feeling like it's been a million years. Or rather, my world has abruptly stopped turning while the rest of the world carries on. *sigh*

*Ami is really feeling like all this time on her own has not been overly helpful to her state of mind.*

Maybe all this has just highlighted how much of the time I am in two minds about things, walking a thin line between my two worlds - both holding as much reality as the other. Pain or ignorance? The truth or the mask? Subjective reality or insanity? Who can decipher between these things?

Right here. In my tent. Listening to the rain splatter mercilessly on the nylon roof. I feel like a fraud. I worship,and yet when the session ends I wonder why? I sing about God being my all, yet I have so much inside me that I've hidden for so long. I tell my kids to trust in God, yet I struggle to let him take control. In these quiet moments in which I search myself, I wonder what God sees in me. I wonder what he was thinking when he created my thoughts.

"Come here, please hold my hand, Lord, now

Help me, I'm scared please show me how to fight this,

God has a master plan, and I guess,

I am in his demand

Please save me, this time I cannot run,

And I'll see, you when this is done

And now I, have come to realize

That you are, the one who's left behind

Please stay until I'm gone, I'm here

Hold on to me, I'm right here waiting..."

'Not Now' - Blink 182

I know that in an hours time, I will emerge from my tent and smile at the first person I see, and maybe even have a small light-hearted conversation. Why? Because that's who I am. I just wish Ihad the guts to be the person she feels like inside right now.

P.S. Sorry Susie. ;)

Idea

N.B. Location - Zakynthos.

I think of all the reasons why such behaviour should upset me. Mostly because I know that it is purely the 'acting out' of someone whose soul is not settled into any sort of tranquil entity, but rather the behaviour of one whose inner turmoil has become to unpredictable to understand. I cannot believe that such unashamed ignorance of dignity comes from any kind of rounded individual. But these behaviours that I have witnessed today haunt me to the core, and arise in me a deep longing for God's love to shine through in this place.

And where has the knowledge and comfort in Deity gone? How can one now turn their back on something that once held such prevalence in their lives? And was there ever a moment when I made a decision that meant that I didn't turn out like them? Or maybe I am like them. Endlessly drawn to the ways of Satan himself. But why should I enjoy a life blessed by forgiveness when they are trapped in this endless cycle of sin and guilt? All these questions control my mind this hour.

* * *

What has brought me to this moment in time? Has every decision I have ever made consequented in this moment, this hour. How are my feelings being influenced by God himself, and how so by man, by earthly situations that stir from within, frothing over into my mind like white horses on the sea?

All around me, worlds continue to merge and to separate, to die and to destruct, but also are born and imagined. Swirling spheres of individual universes collide and merge, exploding into shards of light that spread outwards, each a little more special as they are connectedwith more and more lives that once span in solitude. When was this transformation, from an isolated planet that became part of such a vast galaxy? I feel that somewhere along the way I have lost myself, and now only part of me remains. I feel sad, to have lost a large part of who I used to be, but I surrender to the idea that maybe it has not gone as far as I choose to believe.

Swirling

N.B. Location - Zakynthos

Too many questions. Unanswered questions. Was I really as messed up as a child as my memories lead me to believe? Did this influence the person I became in my teenage years? Was my fate, all because of the years of unrelented bullying, day in and day out, by those with whom I could have been friends? Are these inner insecurities built up from those faint inadequaces of the way I was? Or was it simply a reaction to the traumas I experienced as an adolescent? Were they traumas? Or simply an over reaction of a mentally or emotionally unstable teen?

Writing this now, I wonder how much of this past personality still resides in me. Or rather, how much of my purest being has been eroded by the manifestation of this alter ego. Will a time ever come when this other person fully dies within myself to my honest, predestined being? All these questions churn through my memories, swirling amidst an array of deeply confusing emotions. Thoughts and expressions that even I, as the conveyor, do not fully understand; perhaps even less so. But they muster, silent and deadly in the darkness of my mind like grey wintery clouds forming in the night sky, slowly smothering the air. I wait here, longing to see if the morning will bring a new perspective to the past.

Suitcase

N.B. I think it was a highly sensible and reasonable idea to take a small suitcase to Susie's so that I could take my laptop and all my things and not have to carry them. Susie however, found it hilarious.

I've been back in Brentwood a whole week now. It seems to have gone slowly, but looking back, I guess time has flown by. My heart is still disorientated, I don't know where to call home or where to feel homesick for most of the time. But all I know is that no matter where I am, I am sure glad to have my friends around me.

Since being back I've seen pretty much everyone at some point, spending more time with some than others, but then I guess that's always the way. I guess, chatting things through with Georgia and Susie at different times this week I've realised that being in Southend doesn't really change the amount I love and treasure my friends from Brentwood, or vice versa. They are all there for me, at different stages of the journey, at different turns in the road, but each are equally valid and meaningful to the travelling. And some will fall along the way, but others will join, but I guess that's all part of growing up.

Innocence

N.B. Me and Jeni spent this last weekend away with South Green church, looking after the 2-4 year old's. I've come back exhausted. Our sessions focused on the different things that God loves us to do, including making joyful music, dancing, reading and being ourselves. Reflecting back on the weekend now, there are two events that I remember with a firm smile imprinted on my face, and a warm feeling in my heart.

The first occurred in Session 2, and after making streamers out of popsicle sticks and crepe paper, we have a little mini dancing session around the room while we played some upbeat -Doug Horley type - children's worship music. The kids loved this bit of the session, all of them tearing around the room, their streamers flailing behind them. I joined in eagerly, prancing around the room and encouraging those who were a little unsure what to do. I loved the freedom of it, being able to be silly whilst worshipping and not worrying about what the kids may think, because they were doing it too.

The second occurred in Session 3, and we are all sat round in a circle, waiting to listen to Jeni tell a story, when little Emily, just 3 years old, tells us she is going to read us a book. (The book in question is titled 'He Lives' and is a children's book of the trial, death and resurrection of Jesus.) Me and Jeni exchange surprised glances as even though the book has pictures, there are large sections of text that we were fairly certain Emily couldn't read. Even so, I exclaim, 'Oh, wow. Go on then, tell us all the story!"

We all sit quietly, as Emily, (bless her) confidently opens the first page of the book - a picture of Jesus and his friends in the garden of Gethsemane. "One day, some people were walking along in the forest..." She stops to turn the page, and there is a picture of Jesus standing on a balcony with the people down below shouting and waving their arms. She continues... "The people shouted 'Hooray' and the king shouted 'Hooray' cause it was a sunny day"... (Me and Jeni again exchange glances. We feel that she isn't quite gripping the storyline, but allow her to continue, giving excited feedback) ... the next page is a picture of people walking and on the top of the hill are three crosses... "And then they walked some more but got worried cause it might rain..."The story continues like this, Emily eagerly interpreting and explaining each picture to us, until she concludes "Then is was a sunny day. The End." We all give her a round of applause and thank her for reading us the story, and continue with the rest of the activities.

Afterwards I thought back on the dancing session, and how such an event would go down in church, and how a five (even twenty) minute talk on God loving it when we dance would more than likely have no effect whatsoever on the state of our collective worship. As I looked around the room, every child had a broad grin on their face - such a vast contrast to the faces of so many I watch worship. And sometimes, I really don't get that. The children I was working with are completely unaware of the vast pain and suffering that Jesus went through to pay the price for the wrong things they will do. And yet they were completely engaged and absorbed by singing songs and dancing to a God they don't really understand. Then why so many adults; who are much further along in their spiritual journey and able to grasp (albeit only a small part) the magnificence of Christ's death and resurrection; who don't express any joy whilst singing songs about it?

It's times like this when I realise why Jesus expressed such a keen interest in the children, and indicated that only those who become like little children would inherit the kingdom of God. Because kids are kids. Most of the time it's the adults I don't understand.

Talk

N.B. I have often heard people say that they try their hardest to obey God and to put Him first in their lives, and yet, often they live comfortable, well rounded lives. Being an Optimum volunteer means that for the last year, I have been actively putting God first, and I can tell you, it has been anything but.

Over this last year, I have been constantly challenged to do the things that I was completely terrified to do, things that make me shake inside, things that make my stomach knot itself tighter and tighter. Things that confront me head on because they force me to relieve old memories and emerge myself in old situations. But I don't think anything made me rely on God more than this weekend. Let me tell you a story...

God likes to make you do things you really don't want to do. If only but to teach you to rely on Him. Since I could remember, I said, "I'm not going to Uni, I'm staying in Brentwood." I didn't go to Uni, no. But did I stay in Brentwood? No. God packed me up and sent me to Southend. [Lesson #1 - Don't tell God where you will or will not go. Just listen!]

So there I am, in Southend. On Optimum. And the one thing I hated more than anything else was talking about myself. So on the fourth day of September Training Week, we all have a nice session where we sit around and tell each other our testimonies. Was I terrified? Yes. In fact I spent the majority of the time in between when we were told about it, and when we did it, crying. And when it came to it, it actually went quite well. [Lesson #2 - Don't be afraid to be open with other followers, everyone has a past.]

So I was done with sharing after that. I said, "God, that's it! I'm not speaking in front of people any more!" I was still a fairly insecure person, not really ready to share myself fully with others, but I got on and did the job God had sent me to Southend to do as best as I knew how [minus the speaking up the front]. Everything went pretty good until the date of the School's Work assignment was due, and I had to give an assembly to a whole bunch of Infant school kids. Was I terrified? YES! And I spent the majority of the morning before the assembly trying not to cry. [Lesson#3 - God will make you do the things you told Him you were not going to do...]

So that was it. After that, I said "God! Seriously! No more speaking up the front, please!" (Obviously hadn't learnt my lesson yet...) and so a few months later I am in church, doing some kind of kids talk/drama. Was I terrified? YES!! But God came up trumps and it went really well. But still I said, "Please, God, no more talking things." And a few months later I was giving two talks at a Youth weekend away. Teenagers I had never met before were listening to me talk about the Bible. Was I terrified? Absolutely. But God remained faithful and some of the things I said really hit home with them. [Lesson #4 - Seriously. He'll make you do it, and He'll make it go well too.]

After that, I thought I was pretty ok. I thought I was in control of what I could cope with. Talking about the message of God was okay, because it is an awesome message! I was prepared to take more of an up the front role in terms of church and youth group, because I knew God was the one speaking, not me. He was the one that made things go well, because in those situations, He held me up. But I still asked God not to make me talk in front of large groups of people, and especially to talk about me, because I just wasn't ready.

Then, spending a few days at home before the SOLID youth festival, I got an email from Claire Parry asking me if I would give a few minutes talk during the main worship on Saturday about my journey on Optimum. It sounded like the scariest thing I had ever heard of, but for some reason, I felt it in my gut to say yes. I made notes, I prepared, and I thought it would be ok. (Still spent a good few hours fretting over it... but I didn't attempt to back out.)

About 45 mins before the main Saturday evening session we were having the usual 'last-minute-check-everyone-knows-what-they-are-supposed-to-be-doing' meeting, when I was told that actually, I was to be giving a five minute talk on my personal journey to God, not just a talk on my journey on Optimum. A talk about me. About me before I came to Southend. AAAAHHHH! To say I panicked would probably be putting it lightly. On the outside, I remained calmish. On the inside, I was practically screaming. But even though all of my senses were telling me to run far far away, I didn't back out.

And when it came for the time for me to go up on stage (and it came... very quickly...) I went. Head held high. And I started talking... and I talked, and I talked, and I paced the stage, and I talked and I just didn't shut up. I talked about myself, about my past. And then I told them this story. I finished by saying, "And I said, okay God, I'll do the talking up front, but I am NOT talking about myself in front of lots of people..."

I spoke to quite a few teenagers afterwards who really connected with the things I said. And I can honestly say that the whole experience, it was completely amazing. If I had learnt nothing else this year, it was to trust that God knows the best plan for my life, and I can waste as much time as I want trying to fight against it, but only truly amazing things will happen when I surrender to his plans.

Speak

N.B. I guess it's been a rather long time since I last blogged huh? I'm only really blogging now because I think the majority of the people who read this wouldn't understand the complete 'emo-ness' that was the last entry. In all honesty... I never expected anyone to.

Lately I've been thinking a lot. A number of situations and questions asked of me have made me do so, and although the majority of that (at the time) left me unsure and confused, the more I've had a chance to think it all over, the more sure I am of what is what. (Does that make any sense?)

Thinking back over the challenges and things that I've had to cope with this year has been strange. There was never any one point where I felt I had achieved something and yet now, as I prepare to finish the year, I wonder about all the things I have achieved. And I no longer wonder why God chose me for the job.

In training this Weds, Den was asking us questions about whether we were passionate about the Gospel. Such a questions leaves everyone feeling humbly unable to say yes, whilst guiltily knowing that maybe the answer is no. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised, YES, I am very passionate about the Gospel. And I shall tell you why.

It's changed my life! Simple as that. Over the last year, getting to grips with what it actually means, and understanding the impact that it should have on your life, has left my head spinning. But it has had that affect on my life. It's made me begin to believe in myself. It's made me realise that I'm loved, that I'm worth something to God. It's made me forgive things of the past, and let go of things that should have been let go of years ago. It has set me free from fears and insecurities, and opened up a whole range of opportunities for me that I never knew were possible.

And because it has changed my life, it has made me more passionate about it changing other people's lives. The thing I live for, the reason I do youth work, is the look on a young persons face when they begin to feel the truth of the Gospel for themselves. The realisation that God loves them despite all their imperfections. That He sees how beautiful they really are, that He made them and He wants them. That they are accepted and loved, and no longer need to hide behind walls of possessions and popularity. How amazing is it, to have something that when shared, can bring a smile to a young person's face that previously only knew tears? To hear laughter instead of statements of self doubt and hate. To see hope in their eyes instead of depression and emptiness?

"You are not your job,

And you are not the clothes you wear

You are the words that leave your mouth

So speak up, speak up loud..."

'Call Me Ishmael' - Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

It's time for us, as Christians, to speak up about the truth that gives us hope, that makes us live lives worth living, and that means we are with God! Why be scared of being rejected or persecuted? Being a Christian was never supposed to be easy! But God did promise us that no matter what we endure on earth, it would be worth it. So SPEAK UP!

Void

N.B. Please take no notice of the complete insanity of this entry. I'm crazy... its pretty much a given these days.

And so I am suspended, neither here nor there, consumed by the vacuum that engulfs me and strands me between these two states of being. When the darkness comes, slowly and steadily, it drowns me, casting my entire being to the depths. And yet, there is no struggle that occurs within me, no request for love nor light. It has become orthodox, the expected emotional state of such like me. I have no place nor purpose to fill, no time nor niche to conquer. Nay, t'is nothing but a perennial existence, forged upon the very state of being.

Can you hear me out there? Do my cries rock your cosmic duration to the very core? Or might'nt my thoughts turn to death without a speck of dust falling upon your menial lives. Every corner of my being longs to acquiesce your every desire, but I remain suspended here, unable to move, failing every glance as the tears slowly devour me, smothering any self-respect I had left. This is all that becomes of me now, a slave to the dark misty waters, helpless as the water slips into my lungs and fills me from within. And as the blood boils from my veins and overspills, spreading deep red shadows out across the evening scene, I fade, further and further into the cloudy void where I remain.

Wanted

N.B. I'm afraid this blog is going to be completely honest, and most of you probably won't understand this, but I'm writing because the alternative right now would be much worse.

Recently things have been difficult for me. Not because of any one person, or situation, but because of a number of things that have sent my head spinning, and even now I am vaguely attempting to put everything back into place. I've tried to sort out and deal with each situation as it arose, but as I look back over the week and stew over things that happen days ago I realise that maybe I haven't dealt with any of them.

Right now I feel like my world is spinning out of control, and there is not much that I, or anyone else can do to stop that. If I look at my life, I think the one thing that gets to me more than anything is being left out. And this week, situation after situation has left me feeling like that, which is probably why I've been completely over-emotional and sensitive to everything these last few days. So many things in the last few months have left me feeling like I am completely losing my hold on reality, that I am being pulled and pushed in every which way and that after it all, I am left standing completely alone, while everyone else makes special memories with their friends. And I'm left thinking, who have I got?

Sometimes, I know I get completely paranoid about someone disliking/being annoyed with me, not necessarily because of anything they have done or said, but because I am completely insecure in the knowledge of who I am and why people would ever choose to be friends with me. But this week, I've been in a position where I could sit back and analyse the situations in which I have become nervous and paranoid, and I began to see that the actions of some people weren't just me being paranoid, but instead a conscious and willing choice to either avoid me or to leave me out.

And yet, I am not blaming any individual or group for that situation, because deep down, I still feel that it must be because of something I have once said or done, in order for them to feel that way. Try as hard as I might, I cannot shake that engrained feeling of self-loathing that rips me to my very core. And I still feel shocked and surprised when people willingly spend time with me, or say something nice, just because they want to. And so I realise, that I am losing it. Losing my grip on situations I guess I never really had a hold on anyway. Losing people that I thought were close to me, losing the chance to make happy memories that will stay with me forever.

And all I really want is to feel wanted. Not to know it, because in a way, I already know. But to feel it, to really feel it deep within my being. But I realise that that is not really something that anyone else can help me with. It is a gradual healing process that has already started, back in September when I was given a fresh start. And maybe for a while, it is time to go backwards in order to move forward. But with each step I hope that I learn something new. And most of all, I hope that I won't be doing it alone.

Cold

N.B. This week for me has definately been one of an uncertain middle ground.

As you move each foot, a new power takes hold of you, loose hair is thrown backwards, and the bitter wind stings your face as it hits, one leg behind the other, you feel like you are flying. Once you have mastered your balance you skate, faster and faster until you are flown off to place where you have the power and the control, and it is the most wonderful feeling. And then it happens. You fall, and you feel the sting of the freezing water as it stabs every part of your body. You try to catch your breath but the temperature has frozen your lungs and you feel like you are drowning, sinking lower and lower into the watery darkness, desperately wishing for a hand to grab you and pull you back through the ice into the sunlight.

There are moments in all of our lives when we feel like we have 'fallen through the ice'. And sometimes those moments last longer than others, sometimes we are almost ready to give up trying to move, body frozen still and our eyes beginning to close to the darkness before that saving hand yanks us out of the water. And sometimes we feel like the saving hand will never come as we are slowly but surely sinking towards our watery grave.

I have felt like I have been sinking this week. And although the memories of flying, of the good things that have been going on are still fresh in my mind, I can't help but wish for someone to yank me out of the water. It came so suddenly; I was barely aware that I was skating dangerously, but now that it has come, I am left ever confused as to when it began. I cry out to God, over and over, and sometimes I know He is there. But why then these fleeting moments of loneliness that submerge me back into my watery grave? I do not know. But I continue to cry out, for I know God will come.

"Cold, cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Or am I lost?

No one's daughter allow me that

And I can't let go of your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Or am I lost?"

Damien Rice - Cold Water

Excitement

N.B. Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote a remotely interesting blog. I guess the Philippines took all the blogginess out of me.

The summer is aloof! (Although, thats a rather hard thing to say sitting here watching the heavens opening over Southend this morning.) My favourite time of the year. Summer holidays. Soul Survivor, Church camping, Faith Camp, Holiday club, days spent lounging around at King Georges, quality time spent with friends, family. I just love it!

Last weekend I helped out at a church weekend at Letton Hall and I preached for the first time! It was amazing. (Not my preaching... the fact that I did it!) As I spent the weekend with the youth, I realised how amazing every single one of them was. We shared stories, we shared experiences, and I learnt a bit about how each and every one of them had come to the place where they were today.

At the end of the weekend, I was sad to leave those teenagers and think that it'd probably be a fairly long time before I saw them again. But then I thought about the young people that I get to work with every week in my church, and how vastly different and equally special each of them are to me. And that got me oh-so-mega-excited!

We recently started Youth Alpha, and have seven young people in regular attendance. That's seven people on their way back home! I have a group of about 15 that alternate their attendance to youth club. I have nearly a regular twelve on a Sunday morning. Each of those is a life that I have invested time and energy into. Each of those is a teenager whom I have a relationship with. That's proper awesome! Over the last few weeks, I have been having idea after idea after idea about what I can do to get these teenagers digging into Christianity. In some cases, I have to do a lot more persuading than others. But I care deeply about each and every one of them. And things are finally beginning to take off it seems!

So if you see me about with a smile on my face. This is why! I have the most amazing God, who has given me the most amazing job! I get to work with these teenagers and children, and hundreds more like them throughout the year, that are learning a bit about the most awesome God to whom I have given my life. ROCK ON people!!

Wait

N.B. Still trying to assort the effects of the Philippines and the effects of Training week in my head, if you're confused... so am I.

At Training Week, I finally came to the conclusion, or rather, God finally got to me enough to realise that all the things I said I couldn't do this year, were actually things that I just wouldn't do. And I don't know what it was about training week, but I finally realised that I'd spent so much of this year, and so much of my life thinking that I wasn't good enough to do something, or a wasn't able to do something, when really, God was saying to me, Why not?

God taught me a lot at training week actually. Through Beth's preaching and Wendy's sessions, I finally began to realise that YES, God does love me, YES, He did create me just as He wanted me, YES, He has chosen me and YES, He has called me to be His. To inherit His throne, to be His Heir. Geesh. Thats a lot to take in and finally realise, I can tell you! In fact, its pretty much life changing information. And I wonder how many Christians actually have realised it? Not as many as you would think, probably.

And then through Den's sessions, and Mike's preaching, I realised that God is calling me to even greater things than I have set my sights on. That I need to let go of things in the past, and realise that right now, God is calling me to spread his message. To love people. To stop letting the fear and insecurity get in the way of sharing what is inside of me. God's calling me to preach! (And that came as a shock, I CAN TELL YOU!) I don't know what form that will take, but I'm sure God will show me in time!

So on the last night of training, after a long few hours of worship, teaching and praying for others, I sat alone in the chapel. Just sitting really, trying to have some 'me and God' time. I hadn't received any direct ministry from God during that evening's session, as I had spent it praying for others, and I felt the need to just be alone with God. I just sat there, soaking up the massiveness of what God has taught me during the week, but I was flooded with images from my teenage years, images that I had tried to wipe from my head. Things that I'd said, things that had been said to me, ways that I had suffered and been hurt by people I trusted.

And I started to ask God why. Why did He wait so long to let me know that I was loved? Why I had had to wait so long to finally realise it? Why I had to spend so long wanting desperately to feel loved, when He was right there, loving me. Surely He could have done something? I continued to question God in my head, when Kat came in and sat beside me. I told her everything that I had been thinking.

She prayed with me, and she told me that God made me wait, because he wanted me to have the strength of the testimony I have now. He always loved me, He just knew that I wouldn't fully believe it until now. She said I was worth a million. And for the first time in my life, I actually believed her. Which, as usual, resulted in me crying (God has that effect on me...) But it was a release. God was allowing me to get rid of it all. He was telling me that it was finally time to stand up, and to start running the race HE has set before me. And the wait? It was necessary. Because now I know the extent of God's love, and plan for my life.

Childhood

N.B. Just collecting together some thoughts... don't expect to be any more enlightened at the end of this.

Spending so much time down on the beach this week has brought back all kinds of memories from my childhood. We used to go every summer to Norfolk to look after my Aunt and Uncle's house while they went away on holiday. We always spent days down in the beach, Stephen always getting lost, building huge sand castles with moats and digging holes to bury Dad. At the end of the day we would always walk along the pavement in bare feet and then try to wash the sand from our feet with bottled water. There are so many things that remind me of the holidays we had, so many sights and smells that bring back rushes of happy childhood memories.

And amongst it all is a sad longing for it all. So much has changed in recent years, growing up has finally happened. Stephen will be 18 next year, we are all adults, preparing for the next part of the adventure. No more are the family holidays and times spent down on the beach building sandcastles and eating picnic sandwiches. Gone are the long car journeys and finding ways to amuse ourselves as we ask "Are we nearly there yet?!"

I feel kinda sad that that part of my life is over. It had barely begun, and suddenly, its over. Its a thing of the past. I remember being in Year 7, thinking that seven years at school was ages, and then before I know it, its May of Year 13 and I'm preparing to leave school forever. Time comes and goes so quickly, each day the sun rises and then is gone. And it leaves behind this ghost inside of me, almost an empty space, waiting for something to replace those memories that are just that.

I guess this has all been brought on by it being David's birthday tomorrow. The big 21. If I'm completely honest, my big brother is my hero, and he always has been. We've been close ever since we were kids; I've always looked up to him, and he's always looked out for me. Sometimes he does things that I don't agree with, yes, but I admire him for who he is. And I guess realising that he's 21 now (well, nearly) and he has already done so much in his life. He is a fighter, no matter what happens that throws him off course, he always seems to have a new idea, a new inspiration. I love him to pieces, and with both of us living away from home and working around the clock, we haven't seen each other since Christmas (and even that was a brief encounter). So I guess all this is just me getting emotional because I probably won't see him for his birthday, and I'd sure like to. I miss him so much.

"And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets

When you've given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes

Now i leave the party early, at least with no regrets

I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets

Yeah, this is as good as it gets

My, my, my it's a beautiful world

I like swimming in the sea

I like to go out beyond the white breakers

Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)

I like swimming in the sea, yeah."

Colin Hay - 'Beautiful World'

Kneel

I come on my knees, to lay down before you
Bringing all that I am, longing only to know you
Seeking your face, and not only your hand
I find you embracing me, just as I am

And I lift these songs to you and you alone
As I sing to you, in my praises make your home

To my audience of one, You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free, let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more,

has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come, and your will be done
I only desire to be yours, Lord

So what could I bring to honor your majesty
What song could I sing,

that would move the heart of royalty?
And all that I have, is the life that you’ve given me
So Lord let me live for you, my song with humility

And Lord as the love song of my life is played
I have one desire, to bring glory to your name

To my audience of one, You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free, let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more,

has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come, and your will be done
I only desire to be yours, Lord

And we lift these songs to you and you alone
As we sing to you, in our praises make your home

To my audience of one, You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free, let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more,

has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come, and your will be done
I only desire to be yours, Lord"

'Audience Of One' - Big Daddy Weave

This song has got me so many times this week. Every time it comes up on my MP3 player, I just imagine myself kneeling before God, and everything that I've ever done wrong (and trust me, thats a LOT) just comes tumbling out before me like a river. And the Father is just standing before me, soaking it all in. And all I can do is kneel before Him and weep. Tears of sorrow and of thanksgiving, that the Lord has taken my punishment from me. And He has given me life, that I might live to please him, that I might live to bring glory to His name. What honour is that? That the Lord of heaven and earth should give me a second chance. And should be interested to call me by name, Ami, Ami.

Oh Lord, all that I can give is my life. Take all of me Lord, take all of me.

*Imported from Talk of Circadian Rhythm*