Positive

N.B. It's going to be a long one. Sorry. x

So my Lent resolution this year was to take up having a positive attitude. When I thought of it, I knew that it was going to be a challenge, as I know there is a part of me that always fears the worst. Blame it on things that have happened in the past, or whatever, but I know I don't enjoy being a pessimistic person. I actually want more than anything to enjoy the life that I have in each moment, because I know anything could happen tomorrow or the day after next that could take that all away.

So I've used every ounce of energy in my body to have a positive attitude to the way things are turning around me. At times, that's actually been really hard, and maybe it's highlighted; for me especially; the area's of my life in which I really do tend to worry and stress about things that I should give over to God's hands.

During the worship session at Training this week, Lukey D (who was running it) encouraged us all to write down the things that we were worrying or stressing about, and then at the end of the session we were going to rip up our pieces of paper, drop them into the middle of the circle, and dance around them... (ok, we were just going to pray over them) At first, (being in my positive mood) I could hardly think of any. But then, as I began to think long-term about what I wanted to get out of this week, this month and beyond, I realised that there more things I was worrying about subconsciously than I realised.

So, basically, I'm going to lay myself bare and write up here as many things as I can remember, because I think for some of them, I'm going to need as much prayer as I can get. So if you could remember a few of these in your prayers this week/month, I would really appreciate it. I'm still looking positively to the year ahead, though with slight anticipation, but I am ultimately trusting that God has it sorted.

Being Confident: for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with talking in front of audiences, or even when people are looking at me in a certain way. I have mentioned this many times before, because actually, it is something that really affects the conversations I have in my day to day life, and I am trying not to let it affect the conversations I have with my young people on a one-to-one basis. One major issue is coming up, as I have to give an assembly (albeit to 5-7 year olds) at a school on Tuesday. I am actually terrified beyond comparison.

Accepting Myself: sometimes I have a hard time accepting that people like me. Maybe its just a teenager thing. I don't know. Most of the time, I'm fine being who I am. But occassionally the self doubt kicks in and I give everyone a hard time for being nice to me.

Adjusting To Changes: I'm not scared of change anymore. But sometimes I have a hard time adjusting to it. Quite a few things have changed for me recently. Its made me evaluate and re-evaluate things. I'm still struggling to see where I fit in, where I need to change, where I need to adjust, and give way. I'm struggling to find my place in certain groups, find my role in certain situations, and find when I can just be me.

Letting Go: I'm sure there are situations in your life that you've had to cope with. And months/years down the line, you finally think that you've sorted yourself out and that you are actually ok with everything. But then something happens, and you realise that maybe you weren't as over it as you thought you were. Yeah. Thats me.

Fear: I've admitted this quite a few times this year, but I have an unexplainable paranoia that I am going to die. I think about it nearly all the time, walking down the street I think that every car is going to have a drive-by shooter in it, when in a car I worry there will be a driver not paying attention that will crash into us, going to bed I think I may not wake up, you get the picture. I constantly see things around me that could cause my demise, and it's actually beginning to freak me out. I can't remember when it started, but I know that it's serious.

Next Year: Yeah. I'm unsure of where I will be. I made my mind up, and then I changed it, and now I am just confused. Some guidance would be appreciated, preferably by God.

Good Leader: Linked in to the worrying about who I am, the thing I fret the most about in this job is whether I am being a good role model to the children and young people I work with. Sometimes I really worry that some of them idolise me too much, because I know that it's easy to do, and absolutely devastating when you finally have to realise that your idols are human, and just like everyone else, they make mistakes. I want the best for my young people, but most of the time, telling them what kind of life they should be living isn't enough; they've got to see me living it first.

Sacrifice Of This Year: Sometimes I don't feel like some of my friends appreciate the sacrifice I made for this year. I knew it was going to be hard, living away from home, not being around a vast amount of people my age, not being able to take vast amounts of time off at holidays and the such. When I signed up for this year, I did it because I wanted to give some time back to God, to give him a chance to develop me into the person that I was supposed to be. But I think for a lot of my friends back home, they don't understand that, and still expect me to be able to take time off to meet their needs. Don't get me wrong, I take every opportunity I can to catch up with friends and check they are doing ok. I send cards, texts, emails, myspace messages, facebook messages, I do everything I can to ensure my contact with them is not lost. But sometimes I really feel like it's a one way street with some of them. And I'm running out of energy to keep it up. Which brings me to my last one.

Tiredness: To be perfectly honest, I'm zonked. New circumstances mean a bit more travelling than usual, and it wears me out. The days are long, I'm dreaming a lot which means I'm not sleeping well, and I'm just running out of energy for everything. But I don't think it's a matter of getting more sleep, I need the energy that only the Lord can give.

That's me, and all the shadows that are lurking in my mind. Now I'm off to my sister's to spend some quality time with her and her fiancé. Should be good. If you managed to read (and pray) for all that then thanks.

God bless. Take care. x

Valentine

N.B. I'm not a great fan of Valentines day, due to the way the restaurants hike up prices for meals strung with red decorations and heart shape steaks, and how everyone gets depressed if they haven't got a partner... but if a guy wants to be romantic right now, I may just give him the time of day.

So it's Valentines Day. And I'm in, with Shmoozles (otherwise known as Susie) watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Its been a good eve so far, and as soon as I get my butt of this laptop I'm sure hilarity will ensue. (If last year's events are anything to go by....) I love spending Valentine's with friends. Probably much more so than if I (in the future) were to spend it with a boyfriend/fiance/husband. Because my friends mean the world to me, and to spend special time with them is all I could ask for, and because I am sure that the relationship with my true friends will last longer than any other kind of relationship. This is why I do not bother to get depressed on Valentines Day. Because even if I don't have a boy/man in my life, I have plenty of friends that make well up for it.

My Lent is still going well, ish. As I have actually found myself being pretty much alone for the majority of the time these last few weeks, so its not been hard to be happy when I get the privelege of spending some time with other human beings. However, tiredness is beginning to take its toll and so the challenge is getting harder. I press on.

Funny

So last night after Boys Brigade I was chatting to some of the boys...

Josh (aged 4) - "How old are you?"

Me - "How old do you think I am?"

Josh - "100?"

Reuben (aged 6) - "She's 18. It means she's nearly married."

Me - "Errr... I don't think so. I have to find a husband first!"

Josh - "I know who you are going to marry."

Me - "Do you!? Whose that then?"

Josh - "Me!"

Ahh. This is exactly why I love working with kids. Never a dull moment. =)

Glowing

N.B. I still haven't had pancakes. One bummer for not living with my parents anymore...

So Lent crept up on me quite suddenly this year! I only actually realised it was Lent on Tuesday evening, by which time I didn't have much chance to decide what to give up. I thought about maybe going down the giving up something negative, ie. chocolate/ fast-food/ swearing/ myspace/ facebook/ internet/ TV road... but I've done all those in the past without much success. So I scrapped that idea. And thought that I would take up something positive instead. And what could be more positive than a positive attitude. =)

So it was all going pretty good. Until Wednesday morning. When I rediscovered my hatred for British public transport. (I won't go into that now...) But actually, something that seemed so rubbish and pants on Weds morning actually turned out pretty good once I allowed God a chance to get in on the situation. And Wednesday turned out to be a really good day at Training. I had a really productive personal time, and just chilled out in God's awesome creation. It was such a beautiful day, I couldn't help but smile. And actually, I found that being content with life is really not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Its been getting easier and easier each day! And then I had a most awesome prayer session with some follow Vizzy's. It was great. God can be so subtle, and yet so amazing sometimes!

Thursday was my day off, so I decided to chill out in Southend. But instead of getting the bus the 4/5 miles into town, I walked it. It was awesome. I had two hours to think, to enjoy the sunshine and the lovely weather, and to spend more time alone with God, undisturbed, undistracted. I really enjoyed it. And I found that I could actually be content with being on my own. Because that's something that I normally really struggle with; even more so since I've left Brentwood. Any length of time on my own is normally time spent worrying, upset, anxious. But the last few days I have been on my own the vast majority of the time. And I've been happy. And I've found that I'm actually not that bad to be around - when I'm being positive. =)

So yeah, Smile! Have a good day.

Muchos love and blessings.

Ami =) x

Eyes

In an honesty exercise this week, a number of my friends anonymously (or so they thought) told me that they like my eyes. After the initial shock of being totally freaked out about people staring at my eyes, I began to understand myself a bit better, and saw that actually, it made real sense.

It all comes down to my insecurities. The ones that mean that I will hide my true emotions or feelings most of the time behind my mask, in whatever form it takes. But no matter what my mouth or the rest of my facial expressions are saying, my eyes give me away. (And I'm not just talking about when they throw out tears...) If you asked me a genuine question, and managed to hold my gaze long enough to look deep within my eyes, there, you would see everything. And so when in a situation when having to share any kind of feeling or emotion, I will be unable to look you in the eyes. I will avert my gaze to anything, only briefly flickering to see your facial expression. Because it terrifies me.

To think that people could see straight through my protective casing and just delve right into the heart of what I am thinking and feeling. To think, that everything I have built around myself in order to protect the hurts and the worries, might count for nothing, if only someone were to look into my eyes, and see there, years of not believing I was good enough, years of thinking that everything was my fault, years of feeling unloved. To see all those things through my eyes would be haunting. And yet still, it excites me further.

For also, in my eyes, you could see the acceptance I feel from Jesus, the love I share that I have received, the thankfulness of knowing that God has forgiven me. And although the years of hurt and pain have not disappeared, and on a bad day, you could still catch a glimmer of their existence in my mind, they do not rule me anymore. I am accepted, cherished, and loved. And the sparkle or twinkle in my eyes when I laugh and smile will reflect that. My eyes have been changed because my life has been changed.

And maybe, I can change someone elses life. The thing I am most looking forward to about the Philippines is not the opportunity to travel across the world, or to see the marvellous landscapes and horizons that dwell there. But it is the chance to change the haunting look of desperation and hurt in a child's life into a smile that makes their eyes sparkle like stars. To see their faces glow when they realise that we care about them, and we love them, and we are there, just for them. Sharing our stories, and listening to them share theirs. Sharing the love that we have, and allowing them to love. Sharing memories, together, our eyes glistening with tears, or sparkling with a smile.

Three

N.B. The analogy and stuff were intended for married couples, but yeah. Bothered. And yeah, this may be a bit cheesy and that, but, I don't care. I mean it, and you'll get over it.

This week at Training, we had a session on 'Men and Marriage'. Being the tender age of 18 and not being in a long term relationship, means that actually, marriage; and men right now to be honest; are the last things on my mind. However, there was something that the person leading the session said right at the end that really meant something to me.

For a while now, one of my favourite bible verses to quote is in Ecclesiastes. It is the verse that talks about the importance of family and friends in our lives, and how having them there is even better than being on your own. Recently, there is one person in my life who I have been most grateful to have. And I have felt that the feeling is mutual.

That person, is my best friend Susie. We've been best friends now for about 3 years, and friends for a lot longer than that. I trust Susie with my life, because over the last three years, she has always been there for me when I needed her, and she has never let me down. Even though we spend a lot more time apart now than we used to, I can always talk to her, and her, to me. I feel completely comfortable in her presence, as I can truly be myself, in whatever mood that might be, and I love that. I don't think there is a single human being that understands me as well as Susie does. I think she's awesome.

Thinking even more deeply about it the other day, I realised why I value Susie in my life so much. It is because both together, we ultimately strive towards God. We share a passion to put the will of God first in our lives. But that doesn't mean that we have never turned away from God, individually, in our own struggles. But when we did, we always had the other person, holding us up, seeking God themselves. Whenever we began to fall from God, we would remain close to the other, and therefore, still having the light of Christ shining upon us.

I said to Susie that between us, we could achieve anything. Because we have both committed our lives deeply to living how God wants us, and although we feel sometimes like we have let go of God, we know that the other has not, and so we remain safe, until we are able to stand tall again. The thing that Wendy said at the end of her talk was about ropes. Apparently, a cord that is woven of three strands is indeed, the strongest type of rope, as all the threads are touching each other. If you take one of them away, it decreases the strength of the cord. However, you will never add any strength to the rope by adding more threads, as they will not all be touching. (And that matters... apparently.) The bit that really got me though, was that - even if two of the threads are under pressure, and weak, as long as the third remains strong, the rope will not break. It will hold out until the pressure is released on the other two threads.

There may come a time in the future where me and Susie are both struggling with our separate issues, and so are unable to fully support the other. However, it is in those times that we can be confident in the strength of Jesus Christ within us, so that we will not be beaten or broken. Even if the world is against us, I know we can make it, cause we've made it this far, through some really crappy times, and we're still standing strong.

I love you Susie, don't you ever forget that. :)

"Two are better than one,

because they get more done by working together:

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

Three is even better.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Graffiti

On my way home last week, I noticed someone had spray-painted the word ‘LOVE’ on a billboard by Westcliff station. Of course, in Southend, graffiti is not something that we are all oblivious to. Every time I walk past St Albans church I notice the bitter words that have been graffiti’d on their notice board. I can’t help but think that sometimes it is a most accurate picture of the world we live in today. One only needs look at the headlines of the newspapers or turn on the 10 o’clock news to see the stories of destruction, hatred and suffering. Why is it so rare to hear about someone standing up for justice, equality, and love?

The sin of omission is to ‘not do what one can and ought to do’. Often we think that as long as we do not break the Ten Commandments, we have not sinned. But Jesus also gave us the Greatest Commandment, to love God, and to love other people. To truly love others is to stand up for their rights when they are oppressed, to feed them when they are hungry, to encourage them when they are down, to shelter them when they are homeless, to pick them up when they stumble; just as you would wish someone to do for you; to love, as you are loved.

I often find myself talking about how much I love my friends, when really, I should be striving to more effectively love my enemies. Cause I am rubbish at that. There is a famous Mother Teresa saying that says: "if we want to make peace, we should not talk to our friends, but to our enemies." (That lady came out with some right gems of wisdom. I might begin to quote her more.) But it is so true. Often we get caught up so much in loving the people that matter to US, that we forget about the people that matter to God.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I wrote this last week. I'm just publishing it now.

Broken

It is only through our brokenness that we can fully appreciate the awesome healing power of the Holy Spirit, and allow the powerful things within us to truly pour out into our lives. It is not weak to be broken, as it is only in our vulnerable state that we can truly connect to the world around us, taking in the things that also break the heart of Jesus. God has some brilliant treasures that he wants us to experience. But some of them can only be experienced by the breaking of our hearts, and ourselves, for we are naturally proud and stubborn.

Travelling in the darkness is not in itself a bad thing, but it is that transition out from the darkness and into the light that is truly remarkable. For it is in our broken state that we allow God to change us and mold us, fashioning us for far greater things than we can have achieved on our own. In our state of despair, or depression, we rely on God, we give our lives over to him, we become meek, and in that, strong, in Christ.

"Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had previously had leprosy. While he was eating, a woman came in with a beautiful alabaster jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard. She broke open the jar and poured the perfume over his head."

Mark 14:3

Hope

N.B. I have been meaning to write this ever since the service on Hope 08 on the 30th December. I guess now seems the right time to actually say something.

So I've realised, that all too often in life there are things that happen that can get us down, dampen our spirit, and make us feel like the world is coming to an end. And often, it is when those things are going on, that we forget about the one thing that will banish the darkness from our days. We seek to find the things that are going wrong, and forget to cherish the gems that come into our lives, blessings from God that are cast aside because we are having a bad day, week or month.

This is the year of Hope, right? Hope 2008. The big year for changing the world. It seems like a pretty big task. Where do we even start? There is so much injustice, inequality and hatred that is present in our world today, what could any one person possibly do to change that? How do we, as Christians, seek to shine a light out into the darkness that so many people are consumed by?

Well, we each do our bit. I don't know if you've ever seen the film Evan Almighty but its great. The moral that comes out at the end (yes I am about to spoil it) is that by each person performing one act of random kindness at a time, (ARK) it subsequents that we each change the world. Its a pretty simple method. You could also look at the principle behind Pay It Forward. In both cases, the person wanting to change the world, had the change the lives of those around them first.

We can't do it alone. And so that is how I am going to work through 2008, and beyond. Attempting to change the lives of those around me for the better; everyone I meet, everyone I talk to. Its a pretty big task, when I think about it. I want to become a blessing that shines out to those who are still in the darkness. Cause I know that's a pretty lonely place to be. And I know there is hope, in Jesus.

"And the world keeps spinning, through the darkness towards the light."

Precious

My eldest sister and her husband were expecting their first baby in July. However, on Tuesday something went wrong and Mel suffered a miscarriage. I for once, am actually pretty lost for words. But I know that God holds that little baby in his arms, and that he holds us as a family, closer together, seeking comfort from each other. I only ask that you keep my family in your prayers.

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and

wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together

in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written

in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139: 13 - 16

Hurting

N.B. I don't know what I'm going to write in this blog. I shall type as I feel able. These last few days/weeks in Southend have been pretty good. So this blog might even seem a little out of the blue. If I'm honest, it's been a long time coming. I've just never got round to writing all these feelings down. Maybe I should have explained this stuff to a few more people, and it would have made situations less awkward. If that is the case, then I am truly sorry. Please don't take that as a reflection on the dear relationship I have with you. It was merely a case that I was not able to find the words to explain myself adequately.

So there's things that I do that really affect the way I deal with close relationships. And maybe in the past, they've been pointed out and I've chosen to ignore them, and so maybe most of the time I'm not really being me, but rather, the person that I think others want me to be. It's no secret that I've struggled majorly in the past with self-worth. Maybe thats all a part of it.

One thing I do is wear the 'mask'. (And I'm not talking about a green thing here...) Sometimes I don't even realise I am wearing it. But most of the time, I am. Let me explain: If I've had a bad day, then to about 99.9% of people who ask me how my day was, I will say "Yeah, t'was pretty good thanks." If I've had a good day, then you'll probably get the same answer. The 'mask' is the fake smiles and laughter behind which I can hide my real being. Sometimes it slips, and I get upset in public. Which I hate. But, ya know, I've tried being more open recently. I've tried talking some worries through with people I haven't known all that long. Sometimes, it has helped greatly. Other times it has left me feeling even worse than before. I am still experimenting to be honest, being open and leaving myself vulnerable to rejection. I wouldn't say that the 'mask' has completely gone yet. I still wear it 70% of the time. But that's progress.

The second thing I do, is substitute anger for homesickness, or loneliness. This is big mistake. When I begin to miss someone from home; instead of getting upset I find little excuses to get angry at them. It can be anything. Anything to stop myself having to admit that actually, I really miss them, and I haven't heard from them in a while, and actually, that really hurts. Feeling anger towards them is easier than feeling like I'm losing them.

Actually. That's what inspired me to write this blog. Right now, it hurts. Deep inside me, I'm feeling empty because so many things this week have made me feel like I've been forgotten. And every time I hear from one of my friends, it makes me feel even more left out. Maybe I read into things too much. But even though I can be getting on great here, and feel part of the church family, I still constantly feel like I'm missing things that I used to be a part of. Little things, that I'm not around for anymore. And there aren't actually any words that can adequately describe what I'm feeling right now. I can't actually even see the computer screen very well, because as I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes. Maybe I miss my friends tonight more than I ever have before. Maybe I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, and in the morning, maybe I'll get up and put that mask back on.

"I've been down and I'm wondering why,

These little black clouds keep walking around with me...

So maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home."

'Maybe Tomorrow' - Stereophonics

Keys

N.B. Coming back from Training Week there is a lot of stuff in my head that I am trying to organise, this is a mild attempt to get some of it written down.

So, it the New Year. A year of new beginnings, new starts? And yet, when so much from the past has influenced and changed us, we hang on to it. Old friends, old loves, old struggles, old mistakes. There are plenty of things from the last few years of my life that I am still holding on to. And maybe I didn't even realise how much, until now.

On the Thursday night of Training Week the 2nd Years ran the evening worship session. They are always really good, and it is good for us "Firsties" to learn from those who have been through and struggled with things that we are all coping with now. They are a great sense of support and leadership for us, definately for me.

Jo is really shy normally, and yet she got up the front and did a talk on 'jumping into empty swimming pools for God' (it does make sense...) Her talk was good. But what made the most impact on me was that Jo was saying it. Jo, who never (voluntarily) takes an 'up-front' role. But she did it anyway, and said some really good things to us about how we must trust in God to fill the pool with water. And it made me think that maybe I really could do an assembly after all...

After the worship, I sat at the front and was thinking through things. Kat came up and prayed with me, speaking specifically that God wanted me to have peace. Afterwards said to me that God had showed her this image of keys, and that I was holding on to them, and God just wanted me to loosen my grip a bit. The keys to the past or the keys to freedom, and inner peace? I don't know. But either way, God was telling me to let go, and really trust that He had my future in His hands. Trust that God lives in this very moment with me.

N.B.2.

As I was writing this out in my bedroom at Niki + Paul's, I looked up at my bedroom wall, and hanging up there is a photo frame, with these words inside:

"I was regretting the past and fearing the future, and suddenly my Lord was speaking, "My Name Is: 'I AM.' He paused, and I waited. He continued:

When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regreats, it is hard: I am not there. My name is not: 'I WAS'.

When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard: I am not there. My name is not 'I WILL BE'.

When you live in this moment it is not hard: I am here.

My Name Is: 'I AM'"

We must live in each moment, in which we will experience God. He IS in the world around us, if only we were to look closer. In every smile and every tear. His voice is like thunder, like laughter, like rain drops. It is the NOW we must change, in order to change at all.

Philosophy

N.B. This is my new about me on MySpace. Its all good. It's my new philosophy in life. Cause I believe that no matter who you are, or what you do, there are some things in life that you can't change. Things that money and power cannot affect. And the only way you can deal with that is by accepting it. Sometimes, life is hard. But you can't let it drag you down. I have, for many years. But I am beginning to realise now that the only thing I need is to be loved by God. Nothing else.

My life so far has been a learning curve; the things I have been through shape me into who I was always suppposed to be. I know the future is better than the past, because I trust that my life is in God's hands. I have learnt many hard lessons in life, because things happen that you can't control and things happen that you can't change. But you have to look ahead to where the light is shining, not behind you to where the shadow falls. You must learn to love other people, and love them dearly, putting their needs above your own. You mustn't be afraid to laugh at yourself, or smile when no-one is looking. Watch the sun as it rises, and wish it goodnight as it sets; let your hair loose in the summer breeze, and lay peacefully in green fields. Let the world revolve around you, taste the salt of tears on your lips, and when you hold a sleeping child in your arms, realise that you are completely accepted.

The world is constantly changing. And we are all changing too. I have started a journey that will last me my entire life, and its the best journey ever. Because, life may not always be easy, and I may not always be able to see the road ahead, but I know that I trust in the amazing grace that comes from my Lord, and I will always be safe, and I will always be loved. And thats all anyone ever wants, isn't it?

Forgiveness

One thing that I have learned that I am constantly having to come back to is forgiveness. To learn to forgive is hard, but great a gift. When I asked a good friend of mine once what the most important thing in his life was, his reply was simply forgiveness. When struggling with the difficulties of life, it is easy to project blame onto other people, in order to relieve yourself of having to deal with yourself. Personally, I am rubbish at holding grudges. I have been betrayed many times, by people I believed to be my best friends, but I have forgiven them, and they remain, to this day, some of my best friends.

The dictionary states that to forgive is:

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

It was that last one that got me. To cease to feel resentment against... it has been easy for me in the past to say, "I forgive you" to people. But those words had to become action. In order for me to really release that pain that was felt when I was betrayed, I had to embrace that person and become friends with them again. Become good friends. In this world, in this day and age, there are so many who will try to put me down, to make me feel worthless, just so that they may get ahead. I do not want to waste time arguing with those to whom I have an emotional attachment.

It's a New Year. I am going to make new start. Let go of old grievances and old disaggreements. Make peace with old friends, smile and laugh with them like I have done before. Maybe its a good time to think about whether you could do the same.

New Year

N.B. It is late as I write this, but I write it because if I wait till I have slept then I would have perhaps forgotten everything that I wanted to say, and I want to say it, because I believe it is important.

I am quite unaffected by the whole “New Year!!” feeling. It’s just another day, another minute, another second later than the last. A year is just a time period, made significant by the Romans’ invention of the calendar as they traced the seasons and the days according to the moon and the sun. So I really don’t see the big deal. I go to New Year’s Eve gatherings because it is a chance to socialise with people, have some fun, “let ya hair down a bit” but when it comes to getting all excited with the fireworks and the trekking it to London and the New Year’s resolutions, well I guess I’m a bit of a scrooge.

I guess up till September, my life was pretty constant. I went to church. I went to school. I hung out with friends. I helped at kids and youth clubs. Day in, day out, all year round, for the last – however many years, right? But this year, I’m here. I’m in a new place, with new people, with new prospects, and new hopes. And so I guess this year I’ve really began to realise the significance to what people see when a new year is dawning. They believe; they hope; that the New Year will bring new things for them, a chance of promotion, a chance of love, a change in lifestyle. They make resolutions, in the hope that THIS year, they will be able to keep it longer than the afternoon of New Years Day. They celebrate that, they live for that.

However, I am appalled and angry that £1.3 million was spent on the 11-MINUTE fireworks display in London for the New Year. £1.3 MILLION! Are you kidding me? If we as a country had that much money to spend on stupid fireworks, then why didn’t we sent it out to somewhere like the Philippines, or Africa, where children are dying every day because they don’t have clean water or enough food to eat? Where little children are living and working on rubbish dumps, searching for something they can sell, because they have no families to look after them. They have nowhere warm to come home to at night, no-one to give them a cuddle and tell them they love them. Can you blame me for being a scrooge when it comes to New Year with thoughts like that? Who makes decisions like that, to spend that amount of money on some FIREWORKS? So I guess I am still a bit of a scrooge when it comes to New Year.

In 2007, I spent an awful lot of money on things I didn’t need. But I’ve had enough. I’m going to change. In regards to presents on my birthday – I don’t want them anymore. I don’t need them anymore. Give me money, so that I can use it wisely, to aid the life of someone less fortunate than myself. So this is my mission in 2008: to not waste money on things that I don't need and to give the money that God gives me to whoever needs it the most. And I may fail, I may slip up, I may waste money on things I never really needed. But I’m sure as hell going to give it a go, and I shall press on trying, eager to do what I believe is right.