I'm still finding it pretty difficult to write something that doesn't sound insane. If I could actually get far enough inside my head to watch the thoughts zooming around then I think I might actually laugh, because this is really getting ridiculous now. I bounce myself between desperately searching contentment and thinking life couldn't be better. I bounce between extreme jealousy to extreme indifference. I don't seem to know who I am, or how I feel - but sometimes, I really don't seem to care. I think that's the strangest thing.
I just spent the last weekend up at the Northumbria Community. I still haven't quite worked out what I gained from it, but I enjoyed the experience. Enjoyed the routine of prayer, food and sleep. In a job like mine, you don't get much routine. And actually, it can really ruin my day if something gets changed last minute. Which sounds completely stupid, right? 'Cause I work with teenagers and I should be completely used to plans that change last minute. But I can't, I really can't. No matter how much I try not to, I live for the things that I hope for, that I look forward to. Take the Philippines trip as an example. It ruined nearly 2 months of my life because it was delayed by a few months. And it's not even just big things like that. Little tiny changes that wouldn't even cause a normal person to blink, cause me overwhelming grief and disappointment. Minute detail changes completely throw me. I seriously can't cope with an uncertain schedule.
I also enjoyed the open countryside. The chance to get out and get back to basics with nature - the quiet bubbling of the stream, the rushing wind and the sounds of pigeons and cows in the night. Living on Victoria Ward, you don't get much of that. I liked being able to roam the fields and not worry about having to plan this meeting or this group or that bible study. I tasted freedom for a few days and it was sweet.
Of course, I also know that all this is pretty meaningless right now. It's just how I'm feeling after not being "at work" for 6 days, and being completely out of the loop in all things Avenue right now. I don't know what's going on or what I'm supposed to be doing and it's obviously freaking me out enough to be like this after a really nice day in London with Ryan.*sigh* There you go. That's me.
"I was trying to find me something,
but I wasn't sure quite what..."
Ryan Adams - 'Oh My Sweet Carolina'
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