Saturday, 30 May 2009


N.B. It is 2am and I have found myself online, even though I intended to go to bed nearly 3 hours ago. How is this?

I like to explore myself. Discover emotions and feelings that fester under the surface of who I am, and affect me daily. Some people may not even be aware of what they truly hide down in the depths of their soul, as they have never tried to look through the darkness to see down that far. I have fallen through that darkness, and have wandered about. It was an interesting journey that I had to take to avoid total destruction from the inside out.

But I know that there are still depths that I have not uncovered yet. Things that lay hidden in dust covered chests in the corners of my inner cellar. I know that the chance to explore those places is yet to come. I am, at present, sitting in a waiting room - waiting for my appointment. So far, I don't know which Doctor I will be seeing. I don't know how I am feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I lonely? Am I waiting anxiously for a time that will be safe to "de-stress"? All these things I ask myself as I sit here.

Amongst my waiting, I ask myself, How much do I control my up's and down's? The more I look inside myself and analyse my reactions and emotions to every situation, the more I feel like I am gaining control over every aspect of my being. And yet, maybe I do not control this rollercoaster. Maybe I am just a very experienced rider - aware of the signs and feelings that precede each up and down. Maybe I know how the chemicals in my body will make me feel the morning after this feeling, or this one.

Either way, I am aware of something stirring. Something below the surface. When it will emerge, and what it will bring with it, I do not know. I just wait. And hope that sometime soon, it will all become clear, and that when it does, I can deal with that part of myself.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009


N.B. So I haven't blogged in a few months, partly because I'm finding it pretty hard to co-ordinate my thoughts long enough to sit down and write, and partly because I just haven't been in the mood. My head's been pretty clogged and it's hard to try and rationalise blog kind of thoughts. Apologies to the random few who might actually read this.

I'm still finding it pretty difficult to write something that doesn't sound insane. If I could actually get far enough inside my head to watch the thoughts zooming around then I think I might actually laugh, because this is really getting ridiculous now. I bounce myself between desperately searching contentment and thinking life couldn't be better. I bounce between extreme jealousy to extreme indifference. I don't seem to know who I am, or how I feel - but sometimes, I really don't seem to care. I think that's the strangest thing.

I just spent the last weekend up at the Northumbria Community. I still haven't quite worked out what I gained from it, but I enjoyed the experience. Enjoyed the routine of prayer, food and sleep. In a job like mine, you don't get much routine. And actually, it can really ruin my day if something gets changed last minute. Which sounds completely stupid, right? 'Cause I work with teenagers and I should be completely used to plans that change last minute. But I can't, I really can't. No matter how much I try not to, I live for the things that I hope for, that I look forward to. Take the Philippines trip as an example. It ruined nearly 2 months of my life because it was delayed by a few months. And it's not even just big things like that. Little tiny changes that wouldn't even cause a normal person to blink, cause me overwhelming grief and disappointment. Minute detail changes completely throw me. I seriously can't cope with an uncertain schedule.

I also enjoyed the open countryside. The chance to get out and get back to basics with nature - the quiet bubbling of the stream, the rushing wind and the sounds of pigeons and cows in the night. Living on Victoria Ward, you don't get much of that. I liked being able to roam the fields and not worry about having to plan this meeting or this group or that bible study. I tasted freedom for a few days and it was sweet.

Of course, I also know that all this is pretty meaningless right now. It's just how I'm feeling after not being "at work" for 6 days, and being completely out of the loop in all things Avenue right now. I don't know what's going on or what I'm supposed to be doing and it's obviously freaking me out enough to be like this after a really nice day in London with Ryan.*sigh* There you go. That's me.

"I was trying to find me something,
but I wasn't sure quite what..."
Ryan Adams - 'Oh My Sweet Carolina'