N.B. I have been finding it rather difficult to sleep these last few weeks, falling back into old sleeping patterns and ways of thinking.
Since returning to work from the summer break, I have been learning more and more about myself, how I react to things, and how I adapt and change in every situation that I feel unable to cope in. I have been challenged by a number of peoples' questions and enquiries, and left many a conversation feeling glad for sharing a bit more of myself than I normally do.
Phil’s sermon on Sunday evening was based on the first part of Romans, the very first part, and he talked about who Paul was as a person, and who he saw himself as. As part of that, he quoted the film, ‘Hook’ when Wendy says to Peter, “Don’t you know who you are?” He posed this question to the congregation, who of course just murmured back a response.
But, due to the circumstances I mentioned earlier, this question hit me hard. Recently, it is all I have been thinking about. What makes me who I am? What am I defined by? I know that my identity is found ultimately in Christ, that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about on earth, this very second, I am completely unable to define who I am as a person. I don't know why, and I don't know when this realisation occurred. But I know that I have it. A complete incomprehensible illiteracy for reading who I am.
*sigh* You don't really understand what I'm going on about do you? Okay. So, erm.... I guess the only way to really explain it is this:
"Too many nights I have waited for darkness to cover me.
Too many dawns I have burned in my mind.
I don't know who I am, or where I am going.
No matter how much I laugh and smile, inside I'm broken.
It's a pain deeper than anything I've ever known before.
When I cry, I feel like the world is falling apart.
And when I write it all the darkness in me comes out.
Sometimes I stay awake all night just to avoid the nightmares.
When you leave me alone, I feel completely isolated.
When you don't talk to me, I feel abandoned and rejected.
But I believe it's because I am not good enough.
So I wear a mask to hide how much it hurts inside.
And most of the time it works because I don't let you look in my eyes.
I can't control how I'm feeling.
And I can't explain why I feel sad.
But I want nothing more than to feel like I am worth something.
And to know that you like me for who I am, not what I do.
I wish I had better words to describe how I'm feeling.
But to be honest, I really don't understand myself right now."