Tuesday, 6 May 2008


N.B. Just collecting together some thoughts... don't expect to be any more enlightened at the end of this.

Spending so much time down on the beach this week has brought back all kinds of memories from my childhood. We used to go every summer to Norfolk to look after my Aunt and Uncle's house while they went away on holiday. We always spent days down in the beach, Stephen always getting lost, building huge sand castles with moats and digging holes to bury Dad. At the end of the day we would always walk along the pavement in bare feet and then try to wash the sand from our feet with bottled water. There are so many things that remind me of the holidays we had, so many sights and smells that bring back rushes of happy childhood memories.

And amongst it all is a sad longing for it all. So much has changed in recent years, growing up has finally happened. Stephen will be 18 next year, we are all adults, preparing for the next part of the adventure. No more are the family holidays and times spent down on the beach building sandcastles and eating picnic sandwiches. Gone are the long car journeys and finding ways to amuse ourselves as we ask "Are we nearly there yet?!"

I feel kinda sad that that part of my life is over. It had barely begun, and suddenly, its over. Its a thing of the past. I remember being in Year 7, thinking that seven years at school was ages, and then before I know it, its May of Year 13 and I'm preparing to leave school forever. Time comes and goes so quickly, each day the sun rises and then is gone. And it leaves behind this ghost inside of me, almost an empty space, waiting for something to replace those memories that are just that.

I guess this has all been brought on by it being David's birthday tomorrow. The big 21. If I'm completely honest, my big brother is my hero, and he always has been. We've been close ever since we were kids; I've always looked up to him, and he's always looked out for me. Sometimes he does things that I don't agree with, yes, but I admire him for who he is. And I guess realising that he's 21 now (well, nearly) and he has already done so much in his life. He is a fighter, no matter what happens that throws him off course, he always seems to have a new idea, a new inspiration. I love him to pieces, and with both of us living away from home and working around the clock, we haven't seen each other since Christmas (and even that was a brief encounter). So I guess all this is just me getting emotional because I probably won't see him for his birthday, and I'd sure like to. I miss him so much.

"And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you've given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now i leave the party early, at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets
Yeah, this is as good as it gets

My, my, my it's a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea, yeah."
Colin Hay - 'Beautiful World'
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