N.B. I have realised how much I change my ideas and opinions day to day, and how sometimes reading this must be pretty confusing, as I tend to go around in circles half the time.
I have realised, and mentioned before, that 'How are you?' is a question that most of the time, I will not be able to answer honestly. Previously I have said this is because I tend to say 'fine' when I am having a bad day, but now I am genuinely thinking that most of the time, I actually don't know the answer to that myself. I could answer in the moment, 'right this second I am...' But how am I? I really don't know.
I guess maybe I have changed so much in the last few months that I haven't quite caught up with myself yet. There are situations when I am deliriously excited, (any situation in which the Philippines is mentioned...) but there are just as many situations when I am sitting here, thinking, reflecting, dreaming, when the overall nothingness of life seems to get me down. And yet, I am not sad. Life is good, the future is exciting, the past is dead and gone. What's wrong with me? Maybe I am not such good company for myself after all.
I can't seem to find the words to really describe how I feel. Hmm. Oh dear. Been listening to music, and every song lyric seems to kick me in the stomach. Maybe I'm not being as open as I always seem to be. Maybe there is more to me than the things I write down, the things I share. Or maybe this is it. Now that I have started to be more open, this is what is inside of me. This is what is coming spilling out. Confusion. Hurt. Uncertainty. A lack of being, or rather, an awareness of the lack of being.
Oh, I do so hope someone knows what I am talking about.
"I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown..."
'Marching Bands of Manhattan' - Death Cab For Cutie