N.B. I don't know what I want to get out of writing this. Maybe its a sign of what's to come.So that's it isn't it. The real truth. I only show half of myself to people, and that's if they're lucky. How ridiculous is that? How can people actually get to know me, if that's all I'm giving. Oh dear.
I realised this the other day. Talking about WHO I was, and HOW I was before I moved to Southend. Ask different people and you would get many different answers. "Helped out a lot in church" - yeah, sure I did, because it was a hell of a lot easier than being at home. "Well Emo." - yeah. I was. Depressed. And not really doing all that much to change things. "A strong Christian" - no. That's where people got it wrong. Maybe that was my fault. At church, I was never me. I was the Ami that people wanted to see. 'Into things. Enthusiastic.' Thats what everyone expected, and thats what everyone got. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy being that person. For a while, I probably did. But it didn't encourage me to grow. Encourage me to change who I was. So who am I now? What have I become?
Well, the honest answer to that is, I really don't know. But to appreciate who I am now, you probably need to know who I was then. The way that Christ has changed my life, for the better, because he has. And that probably means sharing with people parts of my life that are really difficult for me. Parts of my life that I am mighty glad are over. I'm not going to write it all here, because, well, it wouldn't explain things adequately enough.
I mentioned to someone the other day that before I came to Southend, I had another blog. That I had been posting in for years. And I have. When I moved to Southend, I stopped blogging on the forementioned blog, and started a new one, because my life has started again, with a fresh start. (Which I was mighty glad of.) However, the posts are still there, on my other blog (Note - posts have now been moved over to this one.) and if you really want to know who I was. Then go, look. I'm not stopping you, I'm not hiding anything. Thats me. Who I was, with all the stages in between to how I got to where I am. Please don't judge me, just listen to what I had to say, and learn from it. If you don't want to look, then don't. But there you go. I've got nothing left to hide.
4 comments:
Hey beautiful :)
It was so lovely reading that because it totally rings home with me. Before, well this uni year really, the 'Christian' person people thought that i was back then was soooo superficial.
But now im a very different person. Now i truely believe the things I used to 'pretend' I did. Ive grown up so much and Gods revealed so much to me while ive been here. Its awesome!
Love you and miss yoooooooou x
Check out 'Can You Drink The Cup?' by Henri Nouwen. I think you'll like it. :-)
hey ami :-) wow i just got around to reading this and i am once again amazed at your honesty and insight. I have spent so long in two distinct worlds, that being a separate person in each is the easiest thing in the world. People at church get one mask, and people at school/uni/work get another. I'd like to say that God gets the real me, but even that's not true sometimes. Integrity is a hard one, isn't it? knowing that what you think, what you say and what you do all line up and agree.
I'm with you on this one. It's flippin hard. but you removing whatever mask it is so easy to wear in order to write this, takes a bravery i don't think i have.
Having integrity doesn't mean not feeling different things in different situations. That would just be stupid.
There will be times when you feel enthusiastic, depressed, pumped up for God, completely empty and devoid of caring. But you don't lie about that, and that is the basis of the profound respect i have for you ami. God bless you.
also, i read ur previous blog-- several made me cry. if "Sanctuary" is about who i think it is about, I am so sorry. My fault.
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