Thursday, 28 February 2008

Feelings

N.B. I watched 'The Holiday' last night. It's been an emotional time...

Recently I have realised that there is one person in my life, that no matter HOW much he is actually in my life, I never seem to be satisfied. Every time I see him, or even hear his name it makes me smile. He means loads to me, and even though I haven't known him all that long, he can be accredited to a unique part of my spiritual growth and learning. We became good friends after the first time we met, and since then we have shared deeply in each others lives, the parts that have been hard and difficult, but also the good times, made better by sharing in them with friends.

It has never been anymore than friends, although for some time, I have wanted it to be. These last few weeks, I have not been so sure. I can sense a big time in front of me; a time when I need to grow and change, and let go of some things that I should have left in the past. And I didn't know what to do with these feelings. I normally don't deal with these kinds of feelings well. This time, I decided to just be honest.

And I wasn't entirely sure how or what would come out of it, to be completely honest, I wasn't expecting anything. I just wanted to share my feelings with someone who I knew would understand me, if only a little bit. And whether that turned out the way I wanted or not, it didn't matter, because I just needed to know that I had been honest with this person, so that in the future, I would not look back and realise I missed the chance to tell them how much they really meant to me.

And through being honest, I realised that maybe I really don't know what I feel anymore. There would have been a time when I would have been absolutely devastated if things did not work out the way that I wanted them to, (which they haven't) but I have realised that actually, what I want more than anything else is for this person to be happy. He mean's the world to me, and maybe I haven't appreciated the fact that we are actually really good friends, and that is enough. There are plenty more times for sharing ahead, and adventures that we shall enjoy together, because it a long journey ahead. But we are both on that journey together (along with lots of other people) and I know we'll both be glad of the company. =)

P.S. I hope you don't mind me sharing. Remain strong in Christ, remember who you are, and never believe anyone who tells you that you're not worth it. Remember the music that made us smile. And thank you.
With love, Ami. x
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