Monday, 21 January 2008

Hurting

N.B. I don't know what I'm going to write in this blog. I shall type as I feel able. These last few days/weeks in Southend have been pretty good. So this blog might even seem a little out of the blue. If I'm honest, it's been a long time coming. I've just never got round to writing all these feelings down. Maybe I should have explained this stuff to a few more people, and it would have made situations less awkward. If that is the case, then I am truly sorry. Please don't take that as a reflection on the dear relationship I have with you. It was merely a case that I was not able to find the words to explain myself adequately.

So there's things that I do that really affect the way I deal with close relationships. And maybe in the past, they've been pointed out and I've chosen to ignore them, and so maybe most of the time I'm not really being me, but rather, the person that I think others want me to be. It's no secret that I've struggled majorly in the past with self-worth. Maybe thats all a part of it.

One thing I do is wear the 'mask'. (And I'm not talking about a green thing here...) Sometimes I don't even realise I am wearing it. But most of the time, I am. Let me explain: If I've had a bad day, then to about 99.9% of people who ask me how my day was, I will say "Yeah, t'was pretty good thanks." If I've had a good day, then you'll probably get the same answer. The 'mask' is the fake smiles and laughter behind which I can hide my real being. Sometimes it slips, and I get upset in public. Which I hate. But, ya know, I've tried being more open recently. I've tried talking some worries through with people I haven't known all that long. Sometimes, it has helped greatly. Other times it has left me feeling even worse than before. I am still experimenting to be honest, being open and leaving myself vulnerable to rejection. I wouldn't say that the 'mask' has completely gone yet. I still wear it 70% of the time. But that's progress.

The second thing I do, is substitute anger for homesickness, or loneliness. This is big mistake. When I begin to miss someone from home; instead of getting upset I find little excuses to get angry at them. It can be anything. Anything to stop myself having to admit that actually, I really miss them, and I haven't heard from them in a while, and actually, that really hurts. Feeling anger towards them is easier than feeling like I'm losing them.

Actually. That's what inspired me to write this blog. Right now, it hurts. Deep inside me, I'm feeling empty because so many things this week have made me feel like I've been forgotten. And every time I hear from one of my friends, it makes me feel even more left out. Maybe I read into things too much. But even though I can be getting on great here, and feel part of the church family, I still constantly feel like I'm missing things that I used to be a part of. Little things, that I'm not around for anymore. And there aren't actually any words that can adequately describe what I'm feeling right now. I can't actually even see the computer screen very well, because as I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes. Maybe I miss my friends tonight more than I ever have before. Maybe I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, and in the morning, maybe I'll get up and put that mask back on.

"I've been down and I'm wondering why,
These little black clouds keep walking around with me...
So maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home."
'Maybe Tomorrow' - Stereophonics
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