Thursday, 26 February 2009

Bleuuurgh

N.B. Sorry to those who thought this would be an epiphany, or even remotely interesting or inspiring blog from the mind of Ami, because it's probably not going to be. I've not blogged recently, for many reasons. I'm feeling rather too delicate and one thing said the wrong way would make me cry... again; and mainly because the things I've been writing down recently aren't for public consumption.

I'm surviving. But I'm upset. I'm fed up. I'm lonely. I'm running out of steam to keep going. I lay awake at night thinking of that far off place. I feel selfish for feeling like this. I hope that tomorrow I will wake up and all this grogginess inside of me will have gone away. I'm thinking there are a hundred thousand million people in the world worse off than me, and all I can do about it is cry. I wish I was 8000 miles away from here. I'm not. I'm here. Sitting in this rather chilly church office trying remotely to type words that actually make correct sentences. I feel like no amount of reassurances and hugs will make me feel better. I hate that this has all hit me like this, and that each day doesn't seem to make one iota of difference, because my lifeline has been whisked back over the horizon again, and I know its nobodys fault. So I can't even get angry at anyone. Well, maybe, for the first time in my life, I'm feeling angry at God. I don't know. I don't even know what being angry with God entails. I'm also a little too afraid of him to actually BE angry at him. All I know is, if I'm being angry with him, I have to believe he exists. Yes, I am questioning everything right now. I'm searching for answers, and being met with more and more questions. I sit around for hours on end just trying to sort through the jumble in my head. I have things I can't tell anyone about. I write it all down, in my journal, but it doesn't make it any easier. I keep crying. It's doing my head in.
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