Sunday, 21 December 2008


N.B. I've imported the important blogs over to this one and deleted my other blog... it was getting too confusing having two at once. Please bear with me as I edit and re-tag all of my entries to fall in line with this blog style... though I doubt any of you are sad enough to actually read my old entries, or even have any interest what-so-ever in what I have to say...

... I didn't think so.

So this week I've been really ill. And screwed up emotionally. And yet, I've actually had more time this month to hang out with the people I care about, because let's face it, most of the things I class as "work" aren't actually work for me anymore. They are just things I go to - part of normal life. Things I used to attend just as much when I was in Brentwood, only now, they count as work. I'm finding the line between work and normal work ever increasing blurry and indeterminate these days. Who knows.

I've suddenly realised how quickly I lost the people I thought would stick around in my life forever. Because now, apart from the odd text or facebook wall message, they play no part in the life I've been living for the last two years. They don't even really know who I am, and the person I've become. And that makes me quite sad actually. I have so many awesome memories of the last few years, and looking back through my old blogs, I can see how much life has changed for me, and yet, the people who back then, I wanted to share my entire life with, barely even share in ten minutes of my life now. And to be honest, that sucks. And it also scares me. Are the people that mean the world to me now, only going to be in my life once every few months in a few years time? Am I going to have to start all over again in a few years time, only to lose those friends as well? Because if I am, what is the point of all this?

*sigh* I don't know. Why is it that so many things take me back to that place that I don't want to be? So many triggers, so many bad memories. All consuming, mind altering triggers that snap be back to that inner churning, stomach turning darkness. I don't really want to admit it, but I'm scared. I don't want to be trapped there.

"God, I'm in this place again,
I'm trying so hard not to fall,
But everything keeps coming down with the rain.
And I try so hard, I forget to call.
Everybodys looking around, and wants to be found.
And I'm just hanging on; I give You all that I am."
'Hanging On' - Everyday Sunday

Thursday, 18 December 2008


N.B. How I wish I had wings that I could escape these cold endless nights. To escape this situation and to start afresh in a new world, with a new horizon that calls to me each evening. Oh, how I long sometimes to live in the sunset.

I really don't cope very well when this feeling comes upon me so suddenly. It catches me unaware and I can't act quick enough to stop it taking me over. And if I don't catch it in time, or have someone to distract me, then we just repeat ourselves. It sits in my stomach, not allowing me to eat or sleep, and slowly tears apart my sanity, emotion by emotion, until I give in. Sometimes, my life seems to be nothing but an endless circle of bad feelings, mistakes and regrets.

"Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street;
Look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight,
And one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy.
Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet,
And maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause,
There are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go."
'Same Mistake' - James Blunt

Thursday, 11 December 2008


N.B. I was not at all well yesterday morning and ended up spending the majority of the day in bed. It's certainly no fun being ill when you ain't got a lovely Mummy to look after you, I'll say!

I have been wondering a lot lately. About a lot of things, not even one thing in particular. It's coming up to Christmas, and been thinking back on childhood memories and experiences of past Christmasses. It's nearly January, and a New Year, so been thinking about the things that 2008 brought to me, and the changes that have occurred in my life throughout the year. Its almost at that terrifying time of year when I have to decide what I want to do next year, or rather, what God wants and where I will end up. It's nearly 2009. What a scary thought!

Most of all though, I have been wondering an awful lot about how much I have changed over the last year and a half/ since I started life down here in Southend. So much has gone on, so much has moulded and guided and crushed me into this person I have become. And so far, I'm not overly sure how much I've been aware of it's going on. I know that people often tell me that I've grown loads in the last year, and yes, there are aspects of my life that I can visibly see the changes in me. But there are so many other things, little things, that I am aware have not-so-much changed, but have been allowed to mature and grow, because I have given them a chance to come out into the open: parts of my personality that are not hindered by shyness and lack of self-esteem and self-loathing. I have gained control, albeit loosely, on some of those negative emotions that threaten to overtake me, and so most of the time now, I am partly free of them, and they no longer dictate my every move.

I have learnt so much about God in my 16 months working for Him, not just knowledge and understanding of the Bible and it's truth and message, but also about God himself. His character and attitude towards me, and not in the least, the unexplainable, unimaginable magnitude of his love and faithfulness that are renewed to me every morning, because I worship and adore a loving, faithful God, who knows me intimately and holds me close to his heart.

I mentioned a few months ago that I was experiencing a real sense of 'travelling into the darkness' and I would not say that I have yet come out the other side. I know that there is so much more that God wants to "do with me" whilst I am vulnerable and allowing Him to do so. However, no matter how dark the night gets, I know the faithfulness of God's provision for me, and so I am contented with being here. I am fully aware that there are struggles I have yet to experience, because life is an ongoing journey, and I am still travelling it. But the moments of God's bright stars that break through the darkness are constant and powerful, and so I remain stengthened and rested in His presence. And despite the chaos and unpredicatableness of the things sometimes going on in my head, I strive to allow God to mould me, and to answer and comfort all the questions and fears that lie in the pit of that darkness.

So yes, I have been wondering a lot lately. Or should I say, wandering....

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Horatio G Spafford, 1873

Monday, 1 December 2008


N.B. Reflection on Romans 12 v 1-21. What an amazing book. (Yes, I say that about all of Paul's letters.) But this is what I strive for, this is how I want to live. And sure, I'm never going to get there, because I have sinned, and I fall short of God's glory, by a long shot. But I am justified freely through the redemption that comes through faith in Christ Jesus, thanks be to God.

"I'm taking my everyday, ordinary life — my sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life — and placing it before God as an offering. I'm not going to become so well-adjusted to my culture that I fit into it without even thinking. Instead, I'm fixing my attention on God. I'll be changed from the inside out. I'll try to readily recognize what He wants from me, and quickly respond to it.

Living in pure grace, I'm know I'm not bringing this goodness to God. God brings it all to me. The only accurate way to understand life is by what God is and by what He does for me, not by what I am and what I do for him.

I'm trying to be what I was made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing myself to someone else, or by being something I'm not. I'm not the whole picture, my life is part of God's infinite plan. When I preach, I will preach God's message, nothing else. When I help, I will help with a servant heart. When I work with the disadvantaged, I won't let myself get irritated or depressed by them. I will keep a smile on my face. I will love from the center of who I am, I won't fake it.

I will run from evil, and cling dear to good. I will be a good friend who loves dearly, and put others before myself. I'll keep myself fueled and aflame so I won't burn out. I'll be an alert servant of the Master, cheerfully expectant. I won't quit in hard times, but will pray all the harder.

I will help needy Christians, and practise hospitality, feeding those I meet who are hungry, and giving a drink to those who thirst. I'll bless my enemies, and give up cursing under my breath. I'll share laughter with my friends when they are happy, and tears when they are down. I will try and get along with everyone, and make friends with the nobodies without making myself a big somebody. I'll learn not to hit back, but instead discover beauty in everyone. I'll let God do the judging, and just try to get along with people. I'll try not to let evil get the best of me, but overcome that evil with good works. By the grace of the Lord God, through whom all things are held together."