Sunday, 31 August 2008


N.B. Could you walk into my head and take away all my secret thoughts? I really wish you could, then maybe I wouldn't have to think them anymore.

This last week has been weird, so say the least. I can't really describe how my mood has swung and twisted into a million different personas, but those of you who have spent time with me this week might have noticed it. It's actually really getting to me that I have these thoughts still. These worries and insecurities in my head that I thought I had banished to the nether worlds.

*sigh*. I bought this book aaages ago, because I was interested in the subject, (which I won't reveal.) I never actually ended up reading it, but whilst sorting through all my stuff to pack up this evening, I picked up this book and read the first chapter. And every sentence seems to describe how I've been feeling these last few months. Some parts describe me at aged 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. It is me, in this book. Everything it says rings true in my life. It's actually really scared me. I don't know how I would go about fixing this. But one thing I am sure of... I need help.

"Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what I wanted - to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself."
From 'A Long Day's Journey Into Night' by Eugene O'Neill

Monday, 25 August 2008


N.B. At Momentum I was reading this book, and as I read this part (below) I felt like it explained what I think was going on in my last blog, and what will, (I have no doubt) be happening over the next few months as God heals whatever I have inside me.

"The Lord knew it was going to be hard for me to change into the person he wanted me to be, because I was so used to living the total opposite. He had a lot of hell to squeeze out of me, and believe me - when the hell leaves you, sometimes it screams at God on the way out. And when the pain from your past leaves you, sometimes you have to feel it again on the way out."
'Save Me From Myself' - Brian Welch

If this knot in my stomach disperses, I fear I may throw up. I can feel the churning clock of time wrenching and searching, confusing my gut reaction with complete meltdown. I don't understand what's going on inside me, and my greatest fear is that no-one else does either. But how could they, being neither me nor God? I long for one person, just one persont o explain to me the torments and fears inside my head. I barely slept last night, sleep interspersed with nightmares and dreams, that shook me awake. What is happening to me God? Am I losing my mind?

I feel like I can think rational thoughts, but then my mind wanders to behaviours I daren't go back to. Is this where you want me to go? Are you taking me back there for a reason? Do you really think I am at last strong enough to deal with the pain? Or are you not yet convinced I am able to move on? I fear going back there would pierce old wounds and leave me bleeding. I fear going back there would awaken old emotions that were too strong for me to cope with before. If God is calling me back, sending me back, then I fear I have no choice, or rather, I fear greatest, I have no control.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008


N.B. If you are easily offended, please don't read. This is my blog, and I'm venting. I was unsure whether to post this blog, but I guess I'm practicing being honest with how I'm feeling, and this was a deeply significant time for me while I was away.

I don't want to speak. I feel disgusted at the thought of another word escaping my lips. Who am I? That I should merit blessing from God? I can think of no-one worse. Pity and love I deserve none. This dread is rising up in my stomach, stuck in my throat and choking me. How can I explain this in words? No, not even tears could explain this. It is more frightening than anything I have ever experienced before. Where has it come from? From what inner depths is it sourced? I forbid them overwhelm me, but who am I to command such freedom over it? There is no stopping it, no restricting its power over me. Do I need prayer? I feel it is too late for that now. Whatever demons I have contained inside me, now burst through, filling my head with anger and hate. And yet I fear 'hate' is not strong enough a word. Or perhaps it is not the right word. Complete confusion hangs over me now.

Have I anyone in the world? Or do the suspicions that arise in me now ring true? No-one really treasures who I am. I am just a convenience, a laugh, someone to use when everyone else is unavailable. Is there any who would stick around just for me? I am the last, the least, a useless shit in God's awesome kingdom. Why am I here? Oh, if someone were to let me in. I want nothing more than to be accepted, to be good enough, to be thought of. Am I really that awful? That none should consider my feelings. Constantly let down, or left out. But who could think worse of me that what I think of myself? I am left alone to dry these silent tears, left alone without God to comfort my soul. For even he has rejected me now, it seems. I am too unworthy to even think upon calling his name, and I am left unable to do so now anyway.

Everything within me is broken. There is nothing left inside me to bring my sanity round to existence. Who gives a fuck about me? I would desire nothing greater than to drag a razor across my tortured flesh. Ripping the demons from within me, I wish to bleed. To pour out the dark spirits that consume me from within. I am nothing, worth nothing, worthy of no love, nor compassion, and who is there now to give it to me, except God? And where is He? Not with me. Not even thinking of me. He leaves me here, to suffer. He leaves my mind to torment me further. I repulse them. I repulse them all. But more than that, I repulse myself. What fucking sick mind is this? That desires the blood more than life itself?

Why do you torment me God? Why do you leave me here? Is there nothing in me that pleases you? None that could be of use to you? Father, don't leave me to fight this alone. Don't take my lifeline from me? Am I really destined to live like this? In silence, excruciating mental torture? Please, Father, please. I feel like my head is going to explode with these questions Lord, are you really there? Do you even care about me, if just a little bit? In my silence Lord, in my ultimate surrender, will you meet with me? Father? I'm looking for you.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008


N.B. The title isn't actually intending to be a corny abbreviation of Leading Edge, but rather my thoughts (well, the rational ones at least...) about how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks.

I knew it was coming. So I don't know why I was so shocked when it finally hit me. I mean, everything that goes up, right? I guess I was being optimistic about how soon it would affect me. It's been barely 3 weeks since I left and already I'm feeling like it's been a million years. Or rather, my world has abruptly stopped turning while the rest of the world carries on. *sigh*

*Ami is really feeling like all this time on her own has not been overly helpful to her state of mind.*

Maybe all this has just highlighted how much of the time I am in two minds about things, walking a thin line between my two worlds - both holding as much reality as the other. Pain or ignorance? The truth or the mask? Subjective reality or insanity? Who can decipher between these things?

Right here. In my tent. Listening to the rain splatter mercilessly on the nylon roof. I feel like a fraud. I worship,and yet when the session ends I wonder why? I sing about God being my all, yet I have so much inside me that I've hidden for so long. I tell my kids to trust in God, yet I struggle to let him take control. In these quiet moments in which I search myself, I wonder what God sees in me. I wonder what he was thinking when he created my thoughts.

"Come here, please hold my hand, Lord, now
Help me, I'm scared please show me how to fight this,
God has a master plan, and I guess,
I am in his demand
Please save me, this time I cannot run,
And I'll see, you when this is done
And now I, have come to realize
That you are, the one who's left behind
Please stay until I'm gone, I'm here
Hold on to me, I'm right here waiting..."
'Not Now' - Blink 182

I know that in an hours time, I will emerge from my tent and smile at the first person I see, and maybe even have a small light-hearted conversation. Why? Because that's who I am. I just wish Ihad the guts to be the person she feels like inside right now.

P.S. Sorry Susie. ;)

Tuesday, 5 August 2008


N.B. Location - Zakynthos.

I think of all the reasons why such behaviour should upset me. Mostly because I know that it is purely the 'acting out' of someone whose soul is not settled into any sort of tranquil entity, but rather the behaviour of one whose inner turmoil has become to unpredictable to understand. I cannot believe that such unashamed ignorance of dignity comes from any kind of rounded individual. But these behaviours that I have witnessed today haunt me to the core, and arise in me a deep longing for God's love to shine through in this place.

And where has the knowledge and comfort in Deity gone? How can one now turn their back on something that once held such prevalence in their lives? And was there ever a moment when I made a decision that meant that I didn't turn out like them? Or maybe I am like them. Endlessly drawn to the ways of Satan himself. But why should I enjoy a life blessed by forgiveness when they are trapped in this endless cycle of sin and guilt? All these questions control my mind this hour.
* * *

What has brought me to this moment in time? Has every decision I have ever made consequented in this moment, this hour. How are my feelings being influenced by God himself, and how so by man, by earthly situations that stir from within, frothing over into my mind like white horses on the sea?

All around me, worlds continue to merge and to separate, to die and to destruct, but also are born and imagined. Swirling spheres of individual universes collide and merge, exploding into shards of light that spread outwards, each a little more special as they are connectedwith more and more lives that once span in solitude. When was this transformation, from an isolated planet that became part of such a vast galaxy? I feel that somewhere along the way I have lost myself, and now only part of me remains. I feel sad, to have lost a large part of who I used to be, but I surrender to the idea that maybe it has not gone as far as I choose to believe.

Sunday, 3 August 2008


N.B. Location - Zakynthos

Too many questions. Unanswered questions. Was I really as messed up as a child as my memories lead me to believe? Did this influence the person I became in my teenage years? Was my fate, all because of the years of unrelented bullying, day in and day out, by those with whom I could have been friends? Are these inner insecurities built up from those faint inadequaces of the way I was? Or was it simply a reaction to the traumas I experienced as an adolescent? Were they traumas? Or simply an over reaction of a mentally or emotionally unstable teen?

Writing this now, I wonder how much of this past personality still resides in me. Or rather, how much of my purest being has been eroded by the manifestation of this alter ego. Will a time ever come when this other person fully dies within myself to my honest, predestined being? All these questions churn through my memories, swirling amidst an array of deeply confusing emotions. Thoughts and expressions that even I, as the conveyor, do not fully understand; perhaps even less so. But they muster, silent and deadly in the darkness of my mind like grey wintery clouds forming in the night sky, slowly smothering the air. I wait here, longing to see if the morning will bring a new perspective to the past.