Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Wanted

N.B. I'm afraid this blog is going to be completely honest, and most of you probably won't understand this, but I'm writing because the alternative right now would be much worse.

Recently things have been difficult for me. Not because of any one person, or situation, but because of a number of things that have sent my head spinning, and even now I am vaguely attempting to put everything back into place. I've tried to sort out and deal with each situation as it arose, but as I look back over the week and stew over things that happen days ago I realise that maybe I haven't dealt with any of them.

Right now I feel like my world is spinning out of control, and there is not much that I, or anyone else can do to stop that. If I look at my life, I think the one thing that gets to me more than anything is being left out. And this week, situation after situation has left me feeling like that, which is probably why I've been completely over-emotional and sensitive to everything these last few days. So many things in the last few months have left me feeling like I am completely losing my hold on reality, that I am being pulled and pushed in every which way and that after it all, I am left standing completely alone, while everyone else makes special memories with their friends. And I'm left thinking, who have I got?

Sometimes, I know I get completely paranoid about someone disliking/being annoyed with me, not necessarily because of anything they have done or said, but because I am completely insecure in the knowledge of who I am and why people would ever choose to be friends with me. But this week, I've been in a position where I could sit back and analyse the situations in which I have become nervous and paranoid, and I began to see that the actions of some people weren't just me being paranoid, but instead a conscious and willing choice to either avoid me or to leave me out.

And yet, I am not blaming any individual or group for that situation, because deep down, I still feel that it must be because of something I have once said or done, in order for them to feel that way. Try as hard as I might, I cannot shake that engrained feeling of self-loathing that rips me to my very core. And I still feel shocked and surprised when people willingly spend time with me, or say something nice, just because they want to. And so I realise, that I am losing it. Losing my grip on situations I guess I never really had a hold on anyway. Losing people that I thought were close to me, losing the chance to make happy memories that will stay with me forever.

And all I really want is to feel wanted. Not to know it, because in a way, I already know. But to feel it, to really feel it deep within my being. But I realise that that is not really something that anyone else can help me with. It is a gradual healing process that has already started, back in September when I was given a fresh start. And maybe for a while, it is time to go backwards in order to move forward. But with each step I hope that I learn something new. And most of all, I hope that I won't be doing it alone.
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