N.B. Written at Sipalay Easy-Diving Resort, Negros.
Do you ever feel that in the grand scheme of things, you are vastly insignificant? That every wave upon the sand is an echo of each moment that is wasted? I laid upon the sand, watching the sun sink lower in the sky, fiery red, knowing that the darkness would close in around me. Halting my breath, I thought briefly of home, now seeming so far away - another world somehow. And this still - a far away place from the villages we experienced yesterday at Dacutan. I feel hollow, a fake. Life here is westernised. There is no hint of poverty, of sickness. Even though here is a strange perception of a world of paradise, my longing is truly to serve the children of this country.
The fireflies dance in the light from the stars, and each memory of this week is washed upon the sand, lapping in my mind. I do not want to leave, cannot bear to pull myself away. Are you somewhere out there Lord? Or do you lay beside me on the sand? I feel so lonely, so void of a force, pulling me home. Is this where I belong? I am lost, a victim of circumstance and emotion, longing for a sense of acceptance like that I felt last night. Will I feel this empty from now on?
Each tear stings greater on my face. Tears of confusion, guilt, uncertainty. Is this life, living? Or Lord, do you hold in your hand a greater love of life that this? Do you hide the knowledge of true life in your eyes, in your son? Is this disease that crawls upon me a sweeping challenge I must overcome? Or is it finally my chance to succomb?
I turn my back to the sea, the darkness. I am fearful of what I may find out there, if I look hard enough: The stars that echo the Voice of God, all-powerful and all-knowing. I am a mere being in his great plan. I am almost nothing. And yet, I must have a purpose on this earth. I must have a fulfillment that I am destined for. I wish I knew. But I must trust in the hands of God, and accept to surrender myself to his will. For there is no way, even if I search for a lifetime, that God will reveal his face to me. I am only a servant. I am not important. After all, in the great scheme of things, I am vastly insignificant.